February 29, 2012 - William Shatner

  • Episode: 08064
  • (0)

Mitt Romney takes Michigan, researchers develop a male birth control pill, and William Shatner revels in his own beauty.

>> Stephen: TONIGHT TR +*RBGS'S

A NEW WAY TO HELP OUT THE POOR--

BUT DON'T WORRY, THERE'S STILL

DOZENS OF WAYS NOT TO.

(LAUGHTER)

THEN, THE CONTRACEPTION DEBATE

HEATS UP.

NOTE: HEATING IT UP IS NOT AN

EFFECTIVE FORM OF CONTRACEPTION.

(LAUGHTER)

AND MY GUEST IS ACTOR WILLIAM

SHATNER.

GOOD, BECAUSE THE STUDIO HAS A

MASSIVE TRIPLE INFESTATION.

(LAUGHTER)

NORTH KOREA AGREES TO SUSPEND

ITS NUCLEAR PROGRAM.

KIM JONG-IL MUST BE ROLLING OVER

IN HIS SHOE BOX!

THIS IS "THE COLBERT

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

>> Stephen: THANK YOU, LADIES

AND GENTLEMEN, WELCOME TO "THE

"REPORT"!

(CROWD CHANTING "STEPHEN")

THAT'S GOOD STUFF.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

THANK YOU, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.

I CAN TELL EVEN FROM THIS

DISTANCE THAT THAT STUFF IS PURE

AND UNCUT.

(LAUGHTER)

GOOD TO HAVE YOU WITH US, FOLKS,

NATION TWO BIG G.O.P. PRIMARIES

LAST NIGHT.

MICHIGAN, THE WOLVERINE STATE

AND ARIZONA THE "HEY, BROWN GUY,

PULL OVER" STATE.

IT WAS REALLY BIG WINS FOR

ROMNEY.

I MEAN, TAKING HIS HOME STATE OF

MICHIGAN BY A WHOPPING 3.2%.

(LAUGHTER)

NOW TO THOSE LOOKING FOR A

CHAMPION TO DEFEAT OBAMA, THAT

SEEMS A LITTLE WEAK BUT MITT

REALLY CHARGED US UP.

>> WE DIDN'T REALLY WIN BY A LOT

BUT WE WON BY ENOUGH.

>> Stephen: YES!

THERE'S YOUR BATTLE CRY.

ROMNEY, 2012.

ENOUGH.

(LAUGHTER)

GOD, I'M SO SCARED.

SHAKE IT OFF!

OKAY, OKAY.

I'M NOT THE ONLY ONE THROUGHOUT

WHO IS A LITTLE MITT-BIVALENT.

CONSERVE 2 +*EU6 COLUMNIST IN

ERICK ERICK ZORN WHO WROTE "IF

REPUBLICANS ARE NOT PANIC AND

TRYING DESPERATELY TO PULL BOBBY

JINDAL IN INTO THE RACE

TOMORROW, THE PARTY LEADERS MUST

HAVE A DEATH WISH."

YES!

THAT'S THE TICKET.

WE CAN STOP OBAMA WITH JINDAL'S

ELECTRIFYING STAR POWER.

JIMMY, HIT ME WITH SOME JINDAL

JUICE.

>> AS A CHILD I REMEMBER GOING

TO THE GROCERY STORE WITH MY

DAD.

>> Stephen: YES!

GET BOBBY JINDAL OUT THERE.

IF HE'S NOT 35 YET, GET HIM A

FAKE I.D., WE'RE DESPERATE.

SOMEBODY, ANYBODY, RUBIO,

CHRISTIE, THAT LADY WHO'S NOT A

WITCH!

HOW ABOUT CUATO?

AT THIS POINT HE'S MORE

APPEALING TO WOMEN THAN

SANTORUM.

(LAUGHTER)

FOLKS, I MEAN IT!

THIS IS CRUNCH TIME.

IF ROMNEY PERFORMS WELL NEXT

SUPERTUESDAY THEN WE

CONSERVATIVES KNOW OUR DUTY.

>> AT THE END OF THE DAY, MOST

REPUBLICANS ARE GOING TO GET

BEHIND ROMNEY.

>> I THINK IF IT ENDS UP BEING

MITT ROMNEY, REPUBLICANS, AS

THEY ALWAYS DO, WILL COME

TOGETHER AND SUPPORT HIM.

>> I BELIEVE WE AND WE'LL UNITE

BEHIND MITT ROMNEY.

YES.

>> Stephen: ONE WEEK FROM NOW

WE WILL MOST LIKELY COME

TOGETHER AND SUPPORT THE GUY

WE'RE HOPING IS NOT THE GUY.

(LAUGHTER)

JIMMY?

START THE COUNTDOWN TO LOVING

MITT CLOCK.

WE NOW HAVE... HAVE...

(APPLAUSE).

WE NOW HAVE SIX DAYS, 23 HOURS

AND 59 MINUTES TO FIND A

REPLACEMENT FOR THIS ROBOTIC

PLUTOCRAT WHO COULDN'T HOLD THE

ATTENTION OF CATS WITH A CAN OF

TUNA.

(LAUGHTER)

BUT AFTER SUPERTUESDAY WHEN THIS

CLOCK RUNS OUT ON, LET'S SAY,

"SUCK IT UP WEDNESDAY" WE

CONSERVATIVES WILL DUTIFULLY

LOVE MITT ROMNEY'S WHOLE GRAIN

LIGHTLY TOASTED VISION FOR A

FIBROUS AND REGULAR AMERICA.

(LAUGHTER)

IT WILL BE GOOD FOR US.

OF COURSE, ONCE ROMNEY IS THE

NOMINEE, HE IS GOING TO FACE

ALLOUT CLASS WARFARE, FOLKS, AND

IT'S ALL BARACK OBAMA'S FAULT.

WITH HIS PLAN TO ELIMINATE THE

BUSH TAX CUTS FOR THE WEALTHY,

COMRADE BARRY HERE IS PITTING

RICH AGAINST POOR.

LUCKILY THE POOR AREN'T BUYING

IT.

AND THAT BRINGS US TO TONIGHT'S

WORD.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

CHANGE WE CAN BELIEVE IN.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, ACCORDING

TO A NEW POLL BY THE

CONGRESSIONAL NEWSPAPER "THE

HILL," 75% OF AMERICANS THINK

THE WEALTHY SHOULD PAY 30% OR

LESS IN TAXES.

THAT'S GOOD NEWS, RICH PEOPLE.

WE GOT THE POOR IN THE PALM OF

OUR HANDS.

WHICH REMINDS ME...

(LAUGHTER).

DON'T KNOW WHERE THEY'VE BEEN.

AND, FOLKS, I THINK THE WORKING

CLASS ARE DOING THIS BECAUSE

THEY KNOW IT'S IN THEIR OWN

SELF-INTEREST AND FOX NEWS

ANALYST CHARLIE GASPARINO KNOWS

WHY.

>> MOST WORKING CLASS PEOPLE

REALIZE THAT THE MORE YOU TAKE

FROM THE RICH, THE LESS IT KIND

OF TRICKLES BACK TO THEM.

THE BOTTOM LINE IS PEOPLE WANT

MORE OF THEIR INCOME, THEY SPEND

MORE.

WORKING CLASS PEOPLE WORK.

THEY ARE DISHWASHERS, THEY ARE

BAR TENNERS.

PEOPLE THAT DRIVE CABS WANT KNOW

TIP THEM.

FOR A REASON.

I TIP EVERYBODY.

I GET A HAIR CUT FOR $15, I ADD

A $5 TIP.

THAT'S A LOT.

>> OKAY.

SO YOU ACTUALLY TIP THE PERSON

WHO...

>> I ACTUALLY TIP MY BARTENDERS

VERY WELL.

(LAUGHTER).

>> Stephen: YES, CHARLIE

GASPARINO TIPS HIS BARTENDERS

VERY WELL.

(LAUGHTER)

AND THEY EARN THAT MONEY.

THEY HAVE TO SPEND ALL NIGHT

LISTENING TO A DRUNK CHARLIE

GASPARINO.

(LAUGHTER)

THE POINT IS, FOLKS...

(APPLAUSE).

WHEN WE RICH HAVE LOWER TAXES,

WE SPEND MORE AND THE POOR

BENEFIT IN THE FORM OF TIPS.

HERE'S HOW IT WORKS.

LET'S SAY I'M A HEDGE FUND GUY

AND I TAKE HOME $27 MILLION.

EARNED EVERY PENNY.

NOW, IF MY TAXES... ARE LOW,

WHEN I GO OUT TO EAT I THROW THE

WAITRESS A COUPLE OF BUCKS.

I'M HAPPY; SHE'S PAID TO SEEM

HAPPY.

(LAUGHTER)

BUT IF PRESIDENT OBAMA CHANGES

MY MARGINAL TAX RATE, INSTEAD OF

$27 MILLION, MAYBE I'M BRINGING

HOME ONLY $25 MILLION.

AND IF THAT HAPPENS THE FIRST

THING THAT ME, CAVUTO AND

CHARLIE GASPARINO ARE GOING TO

DO IS PUNISH THE WAITRESS!

WE CAN'T AFFORD THE $13 NOW.

HELL, WE MIGHT HAVE TO DINE AND

DASH.

SO THANKS TO PRESIDENT OBAMA THE

WAITRESS CAN'T MAKE A LIVING AND

HAS TO TURN TO A LIFE OF

PROSTITUTION.

INCIDENTALLY, PROSTITUTION,

GREAT TIPS.

(LAUGHTER)

NOW WE HAVE GOT... I SAY TO HELP

AMERICA, TO BRING THIS THIS

ECONOMY BACK, TO HELP THE

WORKING POOR WE'VE GOT TO DO

JUST THE OPPOSITE.

LET'S CUT RICH PEOPLE'S TAXES

COMPLETELY BECAUSE IF WE DO IT

LOGICALLY FOLLOWS THAT DOING SO

WILL MAKE US RICH PEOPLE SO

GENEROUS THAT WORKING FOLKS CAN

EARN THEIR ENTIRE INCOME FROM

TIPS-- AS THEY SHOULD.

IN FACT, A NEW BILL IN FLORIDA

WOULD ALLOW EMPLOYERS TO PAY

TIPPED WORKERS A LOWER MINIMUM

WAGE.

FROM $4.65 DOWN TO $2.13 AN

HOUR.

(AUDIENCE REACTS)

THERE'S NO PROBLEM THERE!

FLORIDA IS KNOWN FOR ITS

GENEROUS TIPPERS.

(LAUGHTER)

I MEAN, THE ELDERLY KNOW WHAT A

YOUNG PERSON NEEDS TO SURVIVE IN

1945.

(LAUGHTER)

OF COURSE, REMEMBER, THIS WAS

VERY IMPORTANT, EMPLOYERS, YOU

CAN PAY $2.13 AN HOUR ONLY TO

TIPPED WORKERS SO OBVIOUSLY

EVERYONE SHOULD NOW BE A TIPPED

WORKER.

FOR INSTANCE, I THINK A PLUMBER

WOULDN'T NEED A UNION PAYCHECK

IF HE GOT A HEALTHY TIP EVERY

TIME HE SNAKED OUT YOUR TRAP.

NOW, THE BEST PART...

(LAUGHTER).

THE BEST PART IS THE PLUMBER

COMES WITH A READY-MADE TIP JAR.

(LAUGHTER)

AND WISCONSIN'S TEACHERS WOULD

NEVER HAVE BEEN STRIKING IF,

INSTEAD OF A SALARY, THE RICH

KIDS TIPPED THEM.

YOU KNOW, IF THE SERVICE WAS

GOOD.

AND THIS...

(LAUGHTER).

THIS NEW ECONOMIC MODEL WOULD

WORK EVEN BETTER FOR THE MOST

IMPORTANT JOB OF ALL.

VOTING.

RIGHT NOW WE DON'T GET PAID FOR

IT.

BUT I KNOW THAT I WOULD BE

WILLING TO TKPWRA +*ES GREASE YOUR

PALM IF YOU PROVIDE ME WITH SOME

GOOD VOTER SERVICE.

BY, LET'S SAY, VOTING FOR A

CANDIDATE WHO WOULD CUT YOUR

SERVICES AND CUT MY TAXES.

(LAUGHTER)

BECAUSE WORKING-CLASS PEOPLE

ONLY ABLE TO MAKE A LIVING WAGE

BY PLEASING ME SO I MIGHT LEAVE

A FEW COINS ON THE COUNTER,

THAT'S SOME CHANGE I CAN BELIEVE

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

WELCOME BACK, EVERYBODY.

THANK YOU, SIR.

NATION, ANYBODY WHO WATCH THIS

IS SHOW KNOWS I NEVER RUSH TO

JUDGMENT.

I WAKE UP EARLY, SHOWER AND

SHAVE, EAT A FULL BREAKFAST,

THEN ACCUSE YOU OF BEING A HORSE

MOLESTERRER.

(LAUGHTER)

YES, I SAID "MOLESTERRER."

(LAUGHTER)

THIS IS TIP OF THE HAT, WAG OF

THE FINGER.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

FOLKS, PRESIDENT OBAMA'S RECENT

TUSSLE WITH CATHOLIC BISHOPS HAS

MADE BIRTH CONTROL A CONTROVERSY

FOR THE FIRST TIME IN YEARS!

IT IS SUCH A FUN THROWBACK!

I HOPE THE NEXT THING WE'RE

ARGUING OVER IS THE GYRATIONS OF

ELVIS' PELVIS!

WE'VE GOT TO KEEP OUR DAUGHTERS

AWAY FROM THAT NEGRO MUSIC!

WELL, THERE'S BEEN A NEW MONEY

SHOT ACROSS THE BOW IN THE

BATTLE OVER CONTRACEPTION.

50 YEARS AFTER THE ADVENT OF THE

BIRTH CONTROL PILL FOR WOMEN, A

REPRODUCTIVE BIOLOGIST IN KANSAS

SAYS HE MAY HAVE COME UP WITH A

COMPOUND THAT WOULD ESSENTIALLY

BE THE FIRST BIRTH CONTROL PILL

FOR MEN.

>> Stephen: FOLKS, THIS IS

DANGEROUS.

(LAUGHTER)

IF BIRTH CONTROL BECOMES WIDELY

AVAILABLE TO MEN THEY MIGHT WANT

TO HAVE A LOT OF SEX.

(LAUGHTER)

THAT'S WHY I'M GIVING A WAG OF

MY FINGER TO THE SPERMICIDAL

MANIACS TO THE UNIVERSITY OF

KANSAS WHO DEVELOPED THIS PILL.

ANY OF US WHO HAVE ATTENDED MASS

AT THE CHURCH OF THE IMMACULATE

SANTORUM KNOW...

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

KNOW THAT CONTRACEPTION IS AN

AFFRONT TO ALL THAT'S HOLY.

AND BIRTH CONTROL HAS SOME

UNINTENDED SIDE EFFECTS.

>> WHEN YOU WERE CAMPAIGNING IN

IOWA YOU TOLD AN EVANGELICAL

BLOG IF ELECTED YOU WOULD TALK

ABOUT WHAT "NO PRESIDENT HAS

TALKED ABOUT BEFORE.

-- THE DANGERS OF

CONTRACEPTION."

WHY?

>> WHAT I WAS TALKING ABOUT IS

THE INCREASING NUMBER OF

CHILDREN BEING BORN OUT OF

WEDLOCK IN AMERICA.

>> Stephen: YES.

CONTRACEPTION LEADS TO MORE

BABIES BORN OUT OF WEDLOCK.

(LAUGHTER)

THE EXACT SAME WAY FIRE

EXTINGUISHERS CAUSE FIRES.

NOW WE'RE GOING TO... THANK YOU.

THANK YOU.

AND IF WE'RE GOING TO GIVE MEN

ACCESS TO THIS BIRTH CONTROL

PILL, WE NEED TO DO IT

RESPONSIBLY.

EVERY SPERM THAT HAS POTENTIAL

TO BE A HUMAN BEING WAITING TO

BE BORN.

SO BEFORE WE GIVE MEN THE POWER

TO JUST WIPE THEM OUT, WE MUST

BE SURE THAT THEY SEE THE FACE

OF THAT SPERM.

(LAUGHTER)

THAT IS WHY I'M CALLING FOR A

LAW REQUIRING ALL MEN WHO WANT

THIS PILL SO FIRST SUBMIT TO A

TRANSURETHRAL ULTRASOUND.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

TOTALLY NONINVASIVE PROCEDURE

WITH THE EXCEPTION OF THE

ULTRASOUND WAND JAMMED UP THE

WING-WANG.

(LAUGHTER)

YOU JUST GET IT UP THERE AND

LOOK AROUND UP PERISCOPE!

PING!

YOU WILL... YOU MEN WILL THINK

TWICE ABOUT TAKING THAT PILL

ASSUMING YOU SURVIVE.

NOW FOLKS...

(LAUGHTER).

EVERYONE KNOWS...

(APPLAUSE).

NEXT NEXT UP, FOLKS, EVERYONE

KNOWS ADVERTISERS LOVE THE YOUTH

DEMOGRAPHIC THAT'S WHY MY SHOW

IS GEARED TOWARD INFANTS.

OH, WHICH REMINDS ME, BREAKING

NEWS, PEEKABOO!

(APPLAUSE)

THAT ALWAYS GETS ME.

I MEAN, WHERE DID I GO?

ONE OF LIFE'S GREAT MYSTERIES.

NOT SUPPOSED TO KNOW, I GUESS.

THAT'S WHY I WAS SO EXCITED BY A

BRAND NEW BABY TREND.

FOR MORE WE GO TO AMERICA'S MOST

TRUSTED NEWS SOURCE, TWO WOMEN

SWILLING CHARDONNAY AT 10:00

A.M.

>> SO IN BROOKLYN AND APPARENTLY

THIS TREND STARTED IN AUSTRALIA

THEY HAVE SOMETHING CALLED BABY

CHINNO.

THEY ARE CAPPUCCINOS FOR BABIES.

ONE OF THE BARISTAS IN BROOKLYN

IS SERVING A HANDFUL OF THEM

EVERYDAY.

>> YES, BABY CCINOS AND THEIR

EVEN YOUNGER BEVERAGE FETAL

LATTES.

SO A TIP OF MY HAT FOR HOOKING

BABIES ON THE FOAM DRAGON.

ANYONE WITH A BABY KNOWS IT'S

ALWAYS IMPOSSIBLE TO GET THEM UP

IN THE MORNING.

SOME SLEEP UNTIL NEARLY 4:00

A.M.

ACCORDING TO ONE PARENT WHO

BRINGS HER KIDS IN FOR

BABYCCINOS, THEY JUST LOVE THE

TASTE OF COFFEE, I DRINK COFFEE

EVERYDAY OF THE YEAR SO THEY

LIKE IT, TOO.

YES, PARENTS, EVERYTHING YOU DO

EVERYDAY YOUR KIDS SHOULD DO THE

SAME.

FOR INSTANCE, A LOT OF PARENTS

CAN'T HAVE A COFFEE WITHOUT A

CIGARETTE SO IT'S TIME WE

STARTED SELLING KIDS VIRJUNIOR

SLIMS.

YOU'VE COME A LONG WAY, ACTUAL

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE).

>> Stephen: WELCOME BACK,

EVERYBODY.

MY GUEST TONIGHT IS A LEGENDARY

ACTOR WITH A ONE-MAN SHOW ON

BROADWAY.

I HOPE HE REALIZES THIS

INTERVIEW IS ALSO GOING TO BE A

ONE-MAN SHOW.

(LAUGHTER)

PLEASE WELCOME WILLIAM SHATNER.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

SIR!

WHAT A PLEASURE.

PLEASE.

>> THANK YOU.

THANK YOU.

>> THANK YOU.

>> Stephen: WELL, WELL, WELL,

WE MEET AT LAST.

>> WELL, AT LAST.

IT'S A LONG-AWAITED MOMENT IN MY

LIFE.

(LAUGHTER).

>> Stephen: THIS IS A BIT OF A

CLASH OF ICONS HERE.

>> REALLY?

>> Stephen: WE'RE BOTH

RENAISSANCE MEN.

>> WE ARE.

>> Stephen: YOU, SIR ARE AN

ACTOR WHO START IN SHAKESPEARE,

YOU'VE DONE BROADWAY, MOVIES,

T.V., YOU'VE GOT EMMIES FOR

"BOSTON LEGAL," "THE PRACTICE."

YOU DID "T.J. HOOKER" "BARBARY

COAST" "(BLEEP) MY DAD SAYS"

MEMOIRS, PRICELINE, YOU'RE A

HORSEMAN!

>> THE ONLY DEMEANING THING IS

THAT YOU HAD TO READ IT.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> Stephen: SIR, IT'S THE ONLY

THING THAT KEEPS MY HANDS STEADY

IS HAVING IT PRINTED.

>> I NOTICE YOU CLEAN YOUR HAND

A LOT.

>> I DO, I DO.

I'M KULSIVE.

NOW...

(LAUGHTER).

YOU'VE GOT A NEW BROADWAY ONE

MAN SHOW.

>> I DO.

>> Stephen: IT'S CALLED

"SHATNER'S WORLD."

>> WHAT ELSE WOULD YOU CALL IT?

>> Stephen: WELL SAID.

ARE THERE ANYTHING SINCE...

EVERYONE'S TALKED ABOUT YOU FOR

YEARS, EVERYONE KNOWS BILL...

CAN I CALL YOU BILL?

>> NO.

>> Stephen: OKAY.

(LAUGHTER)

BILL, WHEN PEOPLE GO TO SEE

THIS... ARE THEY REALLY SHOCKED.

IS THERE ANY...

>> THEY'RE GOING TO BE SHOCKED.

>> Stephen: WHAT ARE THEY

GOING TO LEARN ABOUT YOU?

>> THEY'RE GOING TO LEARN AND BE

SHOCKED ABOUT THE ENTERTAINMENT,

THE LAUGHS.

>> Stephen: BUT WHAT ABOUT

YOUR PAST?

THIS IS A LONG CAREER.

WHAT WILL THEY LEARN?

>> THEY'LL LEARN ABOUT LOVE AND

LIFE AND MUSIC AND HORSES ABOUT

MY CAREER, ABOUT INTERVIEWS,

SHOWS THAT I DO THAT WORK AND

SOME THAT DON'T.

(LAUGHTER).

>> Stephen: COULD THIS BE PART

OF YOUR SHOW ONE DAY?

>> NO, NO, MY FRIEND, THIS IS

WORKING SO WELL.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Stephen: MY FAVORITE SHOW

OF YOURS IS "BARBARY COAST" FROM

1975.

14 EPISODES, IT WAS A SHAME THEY

TOOK THAT OFF.

>> A REAL SHAME.

>> Stephen: EVERYBODY, OF

COURSE, KNOWS YOU MOSTLY FOR

CAPTAIN KIRK.

>> I KNOW.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

AND I DO ABOUT 15 MINUTES ON

"STAR TREK" BUT MOSTLY ABOUT THE

NATIONAL SPACE AND WHATEVER ELSE

IT IS.

NATIONAL SPACE ADMINISTRATION...

>> Stephen: YES, IT'S SO

IMPORTANT I CAN TELL.

>> IT'S CALLED NASA AND I DON'T

KNOW WHAT IT STANDS FOR.

>> Stephen: THE ROCKET POINT.

>> THAT THING THAT GOES UP IN

THE AIR.

>> Stephen: I DON'T WANT TO

TALK ABOUT, LIKE, THE EPISODES.

I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT ALL

THE DIFFERENT PEOPLE YOU WORK

WITH.

I WANT TO TALK ABOUT YOU AND...

>> LIFE AND LOVE.

>> Stephen: ABOUT "STAR TREK"

FOR A SECOND.

I JUST HAVE TO SAY JUST MAN TO

MAN.

>> YES?

>> Stephen: HOW GODDAMN

BEAUTIFUL YOU WERE ON THAT SHOW.

(APPLAUSE)

I MEAN, AT THE END OF THAT...

OKAY.

>> MAN TO MAN?

MAN TO MAN, LOOK AT THAT.

THE MAN IS A WEAKLING.

WEAKLING.

GREAT MIND BUT NO BODY.

>> Stephen: THEY DID NOT NEED

LIGHTS ON THAT SET.

>> I WAS SO INTERESTED IN WHAT I

SAID I DIDN'T HEAR YOU.

>> Stephen: YOU GLOWED.

YOU GLOWED.

YOU WERE A GOLDEN GOD.

>> YES, I WAS.

>> Stephen: DID YOU KNOW YOU

WERE BEAUTIFUL?

>> I DID.

(LAUGHTER)

AND I GLORIED IN EVERY MOMENT OF

IT.

>> Stephen: WHY DO YOU...

>> WHY DO YOU USE THE PAST

TENSE?

>> Stephen: WHAT?

(LAUGHTER)

BECAUSE... BECAUSE...

>> YES?

YES?

>> Stephen: NOW YOU'RE MORE

BEAUTIFUL.

>> THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

> Stephen: NOW YOU'RE.>

BEAUTIFUL ON THE INSIDE.

>> THE INSIDE IS BEAUTIFUL, BUT

OUTSIDE LIKE A FLOWER THAT'S

SLOWLY DYING AND HAS ITS OWN

BEAUTY, THAT'S WHAT I AM.

>> Stephen: LIKE AN ORCHID IS

BEAUTIFUL IN ITS YOUTH BUT LATER

GIVES US THE SHRIVELED VANILLA

BEAN WHICH WE CAN THEN TURN INTO

A DELICIOUS TREAT.

(LAUGHTER)

>> OR THING A RED SCENT OF DEATH

THAT YOU KNOW WILL RENEW ITSELF

IN DUE TIME.

>> Stephen: EXACTLY.

WE ALL BE COMPOST EVENTUALLY.

(LAUGHTER)

NOW WHY DO YOU DO SO MUCH?

DON'T YOU KNOW AT A CERTAIN

POINT YOU CAN JUST PHONE IT IN?

I'VE DONE A THOUSAND SHOWS.

I'M PHONING IN TONIGHT, I

GUARANTEE YOU.

>> I KNOW.

AND I'M ON THE OTHER END OF THE

LINE.

THIS IS TERRIBLE.

>> Stephen: HELLO?

CAN YOU HEAR ME NOW.

>> NO, I CAN'T.

>> Stephen: BUT WHY DO YOU DO

SO MUCH?

BECAUSE IT'S THERE TO BE DONE.

IT'S WHY DID MALLORY CLIMB THE

MOUNTAIN?

>> Stephen: UNSUCCESSFULLY.

HE DIED.

>> TRUE BUT HE DIDN'T KNOW THAT

UNTIL THAT FINAL MOMENT WHEN HE

TOOK THAT TUMBLE.

(LAUGHTER)

UP UNTIL THAT MOMENT HE THOUGHT

HE WAS GOING TO MAKE IT.

>> Stephen: SO YOU'RE STILL

GOING UP?

YOU'RE GOING UNMOUNT SHATNER!

>> EXACTLY!

AND I WILL CLIMB IT TO MY DEATH.

>> Stephen: YOU WILL PLANT

YOUR FLAG.

>> YES, MY FLAG.

(LAUGHTER)

IF I TAKE THAT PILL.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Stephen: WE COULD DO THAT

THIS ALL NIGHT.

>> NO, WE CAN'T, I GOTTA GO.

(LAUGHTER).

>> Stephen: BUT, BILL, AS

YOU'VE SPECIFICALLY ASKED ME NOT

TO CALL YOU, IT'S BEEN SUCH A

PLEASURE TO MEET YOU.

>> I WISH I COULD SAY THE SAME.

>> Stephen: THANK YOU VERY

MUCH.

THE SHOW IS "SHATNER'S WORLD, WE

JUST LIVE IN IT."

SEE IT ON BROADWAY.

>> IT GOES ON TOUR.

>> Stephen: WHAT?

WHAT?

>> IT GOES ON TOUR!

ACROSS THE UNITED STATES

STARTING MARCH 10.

THAT'S ALL I REALLY WANTED TO

SAY.

>> Stephen: WELL, THEN WE'LL

CUT EVERYTHING ELSE OF THE

INTERVIEW AND JUST LEAVE THAT.

>> YOU MIGHT BE WISE TO DO SO.

>> Stephen: MR. SHATNER, THANK

>> Stephen: THAT'S IT FOR "THE

REPORT," EVERYBODY.

GOOD NIGHT.