July 21, 2014 - Nancy Pelosi

  • Episode: 10131
  • (0)

Tensions rise over the downing of Malaysia Airlines Flight 17, Edan Lepucki's "California" becomes a best seller, and Nancy Pelosi discusses the "Middle Class Jumpstart" plan.

>> Stephen: TONIGHT IUNLEASH MY ANGER ON AMAZON

EXCEPT I CHOSE FREE SHIPPINGSO I ACTUALLY UNLEASHED IT

IN 3 TO 5 BUSINESS DAYS.

(LAUGHTER)THEN A DOPING SCANDAL IN THE

WORLD OF SPORTS.

THE WINNER OF THE KENTUCKYDERBY TESTED POSITIVE FOR

HORSE.

AND MY GUEST NANCY PELOSI HASA NEW PLAN TO SAVE THE

MIDDLE CLASS.

OH PERFECT, I THINK HEWATCHES MY SHOW.

THE WORLD'S SECOND RICHESTMAN SAYS WE SHOULD HAVE A

THREE DAY WORKWEEK.

NOW YOU KNOW WHY HE'S ONLYTHE SECOND RICHEST MAN.

(LAUGHTER)THIS IS THE COLBERT REPORT.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)WELCOME TO THE REPORT,

EVERYBODY.

GOOD TO HAVE YOU WITH US INHERE, OUT THERE, ALL AROUND

THE WORLD.

NATION, THERE'S A LOT TOTALK ABOUT.

BUT OF COURSE, OF COURSEFOLKS I HAVE TO START

TONIGHT WITH A SHOCKINGINTERNATIONAL INCIDENT THAT

HAS DRAWN THE ATTENTION OFEVERY NATION.

LET'S GO STRAIGHT TOTONIGHT'S EDITION OF WORLD

NEWS WRAP-UP.

>> THE STORY IS STILLUNFOLDING BUT PRELIMINARY

RESULTS INDICATE THAT PRINCEGEORGE IS WALKING.

IT'S MAGICAL TO SEE HISROYAL CUTENESS TAKE HIS

HISTORIC FIRST TODDLE.

AND WHAT A RELIEF TO KNOWTHAT MEMBERS OF THE ROYAL

BLOOD LINE STILL HAVE THEBONE DENSITY TO STAND

UPRIGHT.

FOLKS THIS IS GREAT.

THIS IS GREAT.

I DON'T HAVE A COPY OF ITHERE.

NO, THIS IS GREAT.

AND WE'RE ALL SMILING.

BECAUSE EVERYONE IS HAPPY.

AND I BELIEVE THAT CONCLUDESWORLD NEWS WRAP-UP.

(LAUGHTER)(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

AND THERE ARE NOT ANY OTHERBIG INTERNATIONAL STORIES,

RIGHT, JIM.

>> THE SURFACE-TO-AIRMISSILE BROUGHT DOWN A

MALAYSIAN AIRLINES JETLINEROVER THE WAR ZONE IN EASTERN

UKRAINE.

>> SOME CALLING IT AN ACT OFTERROR ALREADY, AND OTHERS

AN ACT OF WAR.

>> Stephen: RIGHT, YEAH,OKAY.

BUT THAT WAS THURSDAY.

I WAS KIND OF HOPING THATAN ATROCITY THAT COULD

SPIRAL INTO WORLD WAR IIIWOULD HAVE WORKED ITSELF OUT

OVER THE WEEKEND.

EVIDENTLY NOT.

NATION THIS IS ANUNSPEAKABLE TRAGEDY.

AND I HOPE TONIGHT TO COVERIT WITH THE SAME TASTEFUL

RESTRAINT SHOWN BY FOXNEWS'S ANIMATED SMOKING

WRECKAGE GRAPHIC.

IT TOOK REAL SELF CONTROLNOT TO USE THE FOX NFL

SUNDAY ROBOT. I CAN ONLYASSUME THAT MEANS HE'S ON

ASSIGNMENT COVERING GAZA.

NOW FOLKS, IT'S CLEAR THEPLANE WAS TAKEN DOWN BY A

RUSSIAN SA-11 MISSILE ANDTHERE ARE MANY THEORIES

ABOUT WHERE THESERUSSIAN-MADE MISSILES CAME

FROM.

ONE THEORY IS THEY CAME FROMRUSSIA.

(LAUGHTER)HERE'S WHAT HAPPENED.

OKAY.

YOU GOT THESE PRO-RUSSIANSEPARATISTS IN EASTERN

UKRAINE LEAD BY FORMERRUSSIAN INTELLIGENCE OFFICER

AND STAR OF BRIDGE ON THERIVER CRAZY IGOR

GERKIN, HE ALSO GOES BY THENOM DE DOUCHE IGOR STRELKOV

WHICH IS UNDERSTANDABLE WHENYOUR NAME IS GERKIN

EVERYONE IS ALWAYS SAYINGHEY ARE YOU JERKIN THE GERKIN,

BUT IGOR STRELKOV WHAT CANYOU DO WITH THAT.

I GO STROKEOFF?

YES, I WOULD DO THAT.

AND STROKEOFF HERE-- (APPLAUSE)

(APPLAUSE)AND STROKE-OFF IS OLD SECRET

POLICE PALS OF VLADIMIRPUTIN WHO GAVE HIM A BUNCH

OF SURFACE-TO-AIR MISSILESDESPITE THE FACT STROKEY

COMMANDS A GROUP OF REBELSWHO HAVE BEEN DESCRIBED AS A

MOTLEY BAND OF FIGHTERS WHOARE A DRUNKIN PATCHWORK

GROUP THAT IS BEYOND THEMORAL BOUNDARIES.

IN OTHER WORDS, VLADIMIRPUTIN ESSENTIALLY ARMED THE

JUGALOS.

AND IF THIS STORY WERE NOTTRAGIC ENOUGH, AMONG THE

VICTIMS WERE SIX PEOPLEHEADED TO THE INTERNATIONAL

AIDS CONFERENCE.

HIV RESEARCHER NORBERTBROCKMEYER SAID THE NORMALLY

CHEERFUL MOOD AT THE AIDSCONFERENCES WILL NOW BE

ABSENT.

(LAUGHTER)THAT'S RIGHT, THESE BASTARDS

HAVE MANAGED TO MAKE AIDSDEPRESSING.

(LAUGHTER)JIMMY, I'M SORRY, THIS IS

TOO MUCH.

CAN YOU GIVE ME A SHOT

OF GEORGE AGAIN PLEASE/

>> OH, LOOK AT HIM.

HE HAS LITTLE SKINNY ROYALOVERALLS.

LOOK AT THAT ADORABLE LITTLEBOTTOM.

AND THE BABY IS CUTE TOO.

(LAUGHTER)(APPLAUSE)

>> OKAY, BACK TO THE SADMINES. THIS IS AN OBSCENE AND

VIOLENT SITUATION INVOLVINGWARRING GROUPS IN LAWLESS

FOREIGN TERRITORIES AND ONETYRANT BEARS THE BLAME.

BARACK OBAMA.

(LAUGHTER)>> SENATOR, THERE'S A LOT TO

UNPACK THERE.

SPECIFICALLY REGARD TORUSSIA.

THIS CRISIS OVER THE DOWNINGOF THE MALAYSIA AIRLINES

FLIGHT.

WHAT DID SECRETARY KERRY NOTSAY?

WHAT IS THE ADMINISTRATIONNOT YET PREPARED TO DO THAT

YOU THINK MUST BE DONE?

>> ONE, HE DIDN'T CALLPUTIN THE THUG THAT HE IS.

>> Stephen: HERE HERE.

THIS HORRIBLE TRAGEDY COULDHAVE BEEN AVOIDED IF

PRESIDENT OBAMA JUST CALLEDPUTIN A THUG.

SO ONCE AGAIN, LADIES ANDGENTLEMEN, IT FALLS TO ME TO

PREVENT FURTHERINTERNATIONAL CRISES.

VLADIMIR PUTIN, YOU ARE AJERK, SIR.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)YOU-- YOU-- I'M SORRY, I GOT

TO SAY IT.

YOU-- YOU ARE A STUPID POOPYFACE.

JIMMY, WHAT'S THE REACTION INTHE UKRAINE.

AND YES, THE RUSSIANS AREPULLING OUT OF DONETSK.

YOU'RE WELCOME, WORLD.

I HAD TO.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)>> Stephen: I HAD TO.

FOLKS, THAT WASN'T EASY FORME TO DO.

I HAVE LONG BEEN ONE OFVLADIMIR PUTIN'S BIGGEST

FANS.

IN 2008 I SUPPORTED HIM FORPRESIDENT OF THE UNITED

STATES.

I DEFENDED HIM AGAINST PUSSYRIOT PLUS ALL THOSE FAMOUS

SHIRTLESS HUNTING PHOTOS,GUESS WHO TOOK THOSE.

(LAUGHTER)I GUESS I'LL BE TAKING

SHIRTLESS HUNTING SELFIESFROM NOW ON.

FOLKS, SPEAKING OF WAR, FORTHE LAST SIX WEEKS WE IN THE

COLBERT NATION HAVE BEEN ATWAR WITH ON-LINE SHOPPING

GIANT AMAZON.

OH WE'RE GOING TO WIPE THESMIRK RIGHT OFF THAT BOX'S

FACE.

IT ALL STARTED WHEN AMAZONBEGAN PLAYING HARDBALL WITH

MY PUBLISHER HACHETTE FORREFUSING TO STOCK THEIR

BOOKS INCLUDING MY THREEBEST-SELLERS.

I JUST HOPE IT'S ALLRESOLVED BY JULY 28th.

BECAUSE ANY ONE OF MY BOOKSIS THE PERFECT WAY TO SAY, I

WAS THINKING ABOUT YOU ONWORLD HEPATITIS DAY.

(LAUGHTER)AND AMAZON'S UNILATERAL

EMBARGO IS ESPECIALLYHARMFUL TO FIRST TIME

NOVELISTS.

ALSO HARMFUL TO THEM,DECIDING TO BE A NOVELIST.

SO TO FIGHT BACK I TOLD YOUTO PREORDER THE HACHETTE

BOOK CALIFORNIA BY EDAN LAPUKIEVEN THOUGH THAT MIGHT

ENCOURAGE READING. OURULTIMATE GOAL IS TO PUT

CALIFORNIA ON "THE NEW YORKTIMES" BEST-SELLER LIST AND

THANKS TO YOU THIS SUNDAYCALIFORNIA DEBUTS AT NUMBER

THREE. WE DID IT, JIMMY, DROPTHE PLASTIC PACKING THINGIES.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> Stephen: THANK YOU.

(AUDIENCE CHANTING "STEPHEN")

>> Stephen: THANK YOU.

BY THE WAY, BY THE WAY, ALLOF THIS, ALL OF THIS CAME IN

AN AMAZON BOX TO PROTECT THEWATCH BATTERY THAT I

ORDERED.

NEEDLESS TO SAY, NEEDLESS TOSAY EDAN LEPUCKI HAS BECOME

A PUBLISHING SENSATION RECENTLYSIGNING 10,000 COPIES OF

CALIFORNIA IN THREE DAYS, IASSUME HER FOLLOWUP IS ABOUT

A YOUNG WOMAN BATTLING TOOVERCOME A CRIPPLING CASE OF

CARPAL TUNNEL SYNDROME ANDHER AGENT IS ALREADY

NEGOTIATING THE FILM RIGHTS.

I HOPE IT COMES OUT SOON SOI DON'T HAVE TO READ THE

BOOK.

(LAUGHTER)OBVIOUSLY NO ONE WAS MORE

PUMPED THAN LAPUKI HERSELFWHO SAID GETTING THE COLBERT

BUMP HAS LEFT HER WITH AMIXTURE OF ELATION AND

NAUSEA.

YEAH I GOT TO SAY, A LOT OFLADIES SAY THAT.

BY THE WAY, AMAZON IS ASPONSOR OF TONIGHT'S SHOW.

SO I ACCEPT YOUR APOLOGY,GENTLEMEN.

HERE NOW IS THE WOMAN WHOMADE IT ALL POSSIBLE FOR ME

TO MAKE IT ALL POSSIBLE FORHER, PLEASE WELCOME

CALIFORNIA AUTHOR EDANLAPUKI.

THANK YOU SO MUCH.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)>> ALL RIGHT.

ALL RIGHT.

CONGRATULATIONS.

CONGRATULATIONS.

CONGRATULATIONS ON THESUCCESS OF CALIFORNIA.

>> THANK YOU.

>> Stephen: NOW FOR THE RESTOF YOUR LIFE PEOPLE LEGALLY

HAVE TO REFER TO YOU AS "NEWYORK TIMES" BEST SELLING

AUTHOR.

>> OH, OF COURSE.

>> Stephen: THAT CAN'T BETAKEN AWAY.

THAT'S LIKE SENATOR ORAMBASSADOR.

ALL RIGHT, SO WALK METHROUGH IT. WHEN YOU HEARD YOU

WERE GETTING THE COLBERT BUMP,WHAT WAS YOUR REACTION?

>> I MEAN IT WAS BONKERS.

IT WAS A BEAUTIFUL MOMENT.

SHERMAN ALEXIE CALLED ME ON THETELEPHONE.

>> Stephen: THAT WAS THE GUYWHO GAVE ME YOUR BOOK AS A

RECOMMENDATION.

>> HE CALLED ME AND SAID I'MGOING TO TALK ABOUT YOUR

BOOK ON "THE COLBERTREPORT."

AND I PRETTY MUCH FAINTEDOUT IN THE BACKYARD.

AND YOU KNOW, SHERMANALEXIE IS A BIG TIME AUTHOR.

AND I'VE BEEN READING HIMFOR MANY YEARS.

>> Stephen: YOU'RE A BIGTIME AUTHOR TOO, NOW.

>> NOW I AM.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)>> Stephen: NOW THE BOOK

SALES YOU'RE NUMBER THREERIGHT NOW ON THE BEST-SELLER

LIST.

IT'S THE THIRD GOODEST BOOKIN AMERICA RIGHT NOW.

IT'S ABOUT A POSTAPOCALYPTIC DYSTOPIA IN

CALIFORNIA.

SO ESSENTIALLY CALIFORNIA.

(LAUGHTER)HAS IT GOT A HAPPY ENDING.

DON'T TELL ME THE ENDING,BUT IS IT A HAPPY ENDING.

>> YOU HAVE TO READ TO FINDOUT.

(LAUGHTER)>> IT LEAVES IT OPEN-- IT'S

PRETTY HAPPY.

>> Stephen: OKAY, YEAH.

OKAY, IS THERE ANOTHERHACHETTE AUTHOR THAT YOU

WOULD LIKE TO BUMP HERETONIGHT TO TELL THE GOOD

PEOPLE OUT THERE, MAYBE THEYCAN TAKE A LOOK AT.

>> YEAH, I'M READINGSTEPHAN EIRIK CLARK'S BOOK

SWEETNESS #9 WHICH ISSO GOOD.

>> Stephen: IS IT A NEWAUTHOR.

>> A DEBUT NOVEL.

>> Stephen: CALLED SWEETNESS#9 BY STEPHAN

>> EIRIK CLARK.

>> Stephen: STEPHAN EIRIKCLARK.

STEPHAN I WILL ASK YOU TO PICKTWO OF THOSE THREE NAMES.

YOU'RE BEING GREEDY. JUSTSTEPHAN CLARK, SWEETNESS #9.

IF YOU'RE LOOKING FOR ANOTHERBOOK TO BUMP, THAT WOULD BE

THE ONE.

EDAN WHERE DO YOU GO FROMHERE.

ARE YOUR HANDS OKAY FROMSIGNING SO MANY BOOKS.

>> YOU KNOW, THEY ARE.

THEY CALLED ME THE ROBOTBECAUSE I COULD SIGN 10,000

COPIES IN TWO DAYS.

I WAS THE FASTEST SIGNEREVER.

>> Stephen: REALLY?

>> YEAH.

>> Stephen: WOW.

YOU ARE A GOOD WRITER.

WELL, EDAN LEPUCKI WOULD YOULIKE TO THANK THE COLBERT

NATION.

>> THANK YOU COLBERT NATIONFOR BUYING MY BOOK AND

READING IT AND I'M SO, SOINCREDIBLY GRATEFUL TO BE ON

THE SHOW AND HAVE MY BOOKTALKED ABOUT.

I JUST REALLY APPRECIATE IT.

SO THANK YOU.

>> Stephen: YOU DID IT, THECOLBERT NATION.

DID YOU IT.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)>> Stephen: EDAN LAPUKI,

CALIFORNIA, THANK YOU SOMUCH.

GOOD LUCK.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

>> WELCOME BACK, EVERYBODY,MY GUEST TONIGHT SPENT

FOUR YEARS AS SPEAKER OFTHE HOUSE MAKING HER THE

HIGHEST RANKING FEMALEPOLITICIAN IN AMERICAN HISTORY,

SORRY QUEEN LATIFAH,PLEASE WELCOME CONGRESSWOMAN

NANCY PELOSI!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)CONGRESSWOMAN, THANK YOU SO

MUCH FOR JOINING US THANKSFOR BEING BACK.

IT'S ALWAYS GOOD TO HAVE AFORMIDABLE ADVERSARY TO BE

TALKING TO ACROSSED TABLE.

ALL RIGHT?

WE MEET AGAIN, MY OLDNEMESIS.

>> HELLO MY FRIEND.

>> Stephen: HELLO.

WE'RE NOT SO DIFFERENT, YOUAND I.

WE BOTH HAVE OUR AGENDAS.

LET'S TALK ABOUT THE LASTONE YOU TRIED TO PUSH ON MY

SHOW.

THE LAST TIME YOU WERE HEREWE CAME TO A MEETING OF THE

MINDS, YOU HAD SOMETHINGCALLED THE DISCLOSE AGO

WHERE YOU WOULD TRY TO GETPOLITICIANS TO DISCLOSE ALL

THE DONATIONS TO THEIR-- TOTHEIR ASSOCIATIVE PACS OR

501 C 4s.

IN RETURN I SAID I WOULDHELP YOU IF YOU WOULD GET

MORE PEOPLE MORE MEMBERS OFCONGRESS TO BE PART OF MY

BETTER KNOW A DISTRICTSERIES.

I UPHELD MY END OF THEBARGAIN, YOU UPHELD YOUR END

OF THE BARGAIN.

WE PROVED PEOPLE COULD DOTHINGS ACROSS THE AISLE.

>> THERE WE GO.

ACROSS THE AISLE.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)>> Stephen: WHAT ARE YOU

PUSHING TONIGHT?

WHAT NEFARIOUS-- (LAUGHTER)

>> Stephen: NORTHERNCALIFORNIA, SAN FRANCISCO

VALUE ARE YOU PUSHING?

ON THE NATION TONIGHT?

>> TONIGHT I'M PUSHING OURAGENDA OF THE MIDDLE CLASS JUMP

START. THE HEART OF IT IS WHENWOMEN SUCCEED AMERICA SUCCEEDS.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)OK NO OFFENSE, MADAM,

LISTEN, NO OFFENSE BUT THATIS IMPLYING THAT WOMEN ARE

THE MIDDLE CLASS.

WHAT ABOUT THE MEN IN THEMIDDLE CLASS.

HAVEN'T YOU JUSTEMASCULATED THEM.

>> NO, WE'RE GETTING TOTHAT.

BUT WHAT WE'RE SAYING IS THEBEST THING WE CAN DO TO GROW

OUR MIDDLE CLASS IS TO UNLEASHTHE POWER OF WOMEN.

EQUAL PAY FOR EQUAL WORK.

RAISE THE MINIMUM WAGEAFFORDABLE CHILD CARE.

GOING ON, INVEST INEDUCATION TO KEEP AMERICA

NUMBER ONE, AND THIRD KEEPJOBS HERE IN THE U.S. WITH

GOOD TAX POLICY INSTEAD OFSENDING THEM OVERSEAS

AND BUILD ROADS, BRIDGESAND INFRASTRUCTURE BROADBAND IN

OUR COUNTRY SO THAT ALLAMERICANS CAN PARTICIPATE IN

OUR PROSPERITY AND IN ANECONOMY THAT WORKS FOR

EVERYONE, NOT JUST THEPRIVILEGED FEW.

>> OKAY, ALL RIGHT.

(APPLAUSE)WE WILL GET TO THE FACT THAT

YOU'RE ENGAGING IN CLASSWARFARE IN JUST A MOMENT,

OKAY.

YOU JUST DID IT, YOU JUST FIREDA SHOT ACROSS MY BOW BUT HOW

WILL YOU GET IT DONE THOUGH,BECAUSE NOTHING GETS DONE IN

WASHINGTON.

>> THAT'S RIGHT.

>> NOTHING GETS DONE INWASHINGTON.

HOW CAN YOU POSSIBLY GETTHIS DONE.

WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO USE.

DO YOU HAVE NAKED PHOTOS OFJOHN BOEHNER DOING

SOMETHING?

HOW YOU COULD POSSIBLYGET-- BECAUSE REPUBLICANS-- YOU

GOT THE MENTAL IMAGE.

>> NO, I -->> AND IF YOU DO, IF YOU DO

IS THE TAN UNIFORM.

>> (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> NOPE, ALL RIGHT.

HOW YOU COULD POSSIBLY GETIT DONE?

>> WIN THE ELECTION.

ALL WE NEED IS 17 VOTES TOTAKE BACK THE HOUSE FOR THE

AMERICAN PEOPLE.

OR-- .

>> Stephen: FOR THEDEMOCRATS.

>> THE DEMOCRATS.

>> Stephen: THERE'S ADIFFERENCE.

>> WELL, FOR THEM, FORISSUES THAT HELP THEM MEET

THEIR NEEDS.

>> Stephen: BUT THAT WOULDMAKE YOU SPEAKER OF THE

HOUSE AGAIN, PROBABLY.

>> WELL, SOMEBODY, SOMEDEMOCRAT.

>> Stephen: SOME, SOMEDEMOCRAT WEARING A BLUE

LINEN SUIT, WHO CARES WHO ITIS.

WHY WOULD YOU EVER WANT THATJOB AGAIN?

JOHN BOEHNER IS ON THE EDGEOF A NERVOUS BREAKDOWN.

HE LOOKS LIKE HE'S GOING TOBURST INTO TEARS, ISN'T THAT

A HARD JOB?

THAT'S AN INCREDIBLY HARDJOB TO HOLD, ISN'T IT?

>> WELL, WHEN WE DID, WEWERE ABLE TO PASS THE

AFFORDABLE CARE ACT.

WE WERE ABLE TO HAVE WALLSTREET REFORM.

WE WERE ABLE TO SAVEMILLIONS OF ACRES OF GREEN

ACRES IN AMERICA.

GOOD THINGS ABOUT JOBS,ABOUT HEALTH CARE, ABOUT

EDUCATION, ABOUT WORKING FORTHE AMERICAN PEOPLE.

I DIDN'T LOVE BEING SPEAKER,BUT I LIKED GETTING THE JOB

DONE FOR THE AMERICANPEOPLE.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)>> Stephen: CAN YOU STICK

AROUND FOR A MOMENT MOREBECAUSE WE'VE GOT TO

PARTICULAR A LITTLE BREAKBUT I WANT TO TALK TO YOU

ABOUT A COUPLE OF OTHERTHINGS.

>> ALL RIGHT.

>> Stephen: WE'LL BE RIGHTBACK WITH NANCY PELOSI.

PLEASE STICK AROUND.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)>> WELCOME BACK, EVERYBODY.

WE'RE HERE WITHREPRESENTATIVE NANCY PELOSI.

NOW BEFORE THE BREAK, BY THEWAY, IS IT SPEAKER PELOSI,

LEADER PELOSI, WHAT SHOULD ICALL YOU.

>> NANCY.

>> OKAY.

I WANT TO BE RESPECTFUL WHILEI ATTACK YOU FOR ATTACKING

THE MIDDLE CLASS, OKAY.

>> NO, NO, I AM PROMOTINGTHE MIDDLE CLASS.

>> OKAY, I FORGOT WHAT ISTHE NAME OF THE THING YOU

ARE TALKING ABOUT.

>> MIDDLE CLASS JUMP-START.

>> WHEN WILL YOU STARTJUMPING ON THE MIDDLE CLASS

>> WE'RE JUMPING FOR THEMIDDLE CLASS.

>> ARE YOU GOING TO RAISETAXES.

GUYS LIKE ME MAKE MILLIONSOF DOLLARS A YEAR, ARE YOU

GOING TO RAISE TAXES ON ME.

>> LET'S TALK ABOUT THIS.

WHAT WE HAVE IS TO STOPGIVING TAX BREAKS TO

CORPORATIONS THAT ARESHIPPING JOBS OVERSEAS,

INSTEAD OF GIVING TAX BREAKS TOKEEP GOOD PAYING JOBS HERE.

>> Stephen: YOU KNOW I'M ACORPORATION.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)>> Stephen: THAT'S ATTACKING

ME.

I'M A CORPORATION AND THISENTIRE SHOW IS WRITTEN IN

MALAYSIA -->> AND WE'RE GOING TO BUILD

ROAD, BRIDGES, BROADBAND,WATER SYSTEMS BY CLOSING TAX

LOOPHOLES FOR SPECIALINTERESTS IN THE TAX CODE.

>> Stephen: LET'S TALK ABOUTA COUPLE OF OTHER ISSUES

REAL QUICKLY.

IMMIGRATION, WHY DO YOUTHINK OBAMA IS ENCOURAGING

ALL THESE CHILDREN TO COMETO THE UNITED STATES?

(LAUGHTER)WHAT IS HIS PLAN?

WHAT IS HIS GRIFT HERE?

YOU GUYS ARE GOING TOREGISTER THESE 8-YEAR-OLDS

FROM GUATEMALA TO VOTE,RIGHT?

>> I KNOW YOU'RE A VERYDEVOUT CATHOLIC.

AND I WISH YOU WOULD READTHE CATHOLIC CONFERENCE

BISHOP'S REPORT.

THEY TALK ABOUT THE BABYJESUS BEING A REFUGE FROM

VIOLENCE AS AN EXAMPLE.

AND THEY TELL IT-- .

>> Stephen: HE DIDN'T ASK TOBE A CITIZEN IN EGYPT.

HE DIDN'T ASK TO BE ABLE TOVOTE FOR THE PHAROAH

HE WENT BACK TO THE HOLYLAND EVENTUALLY.

>> THEY DIDN'T VOTE FOR THEPHAROAH IN THOSE DAYS.

>> Stephen: OKAY.

>> BUT THE FACT IS-- .

>> Stephen: I DIDN'T KNOWTHAT.

>> THAT WAS NOT A DEMOCRATICSYSTEM.

NO-- THIS IS A HUMANITARIANCRISIS.

AND IT NEEDS A HUMANITARIANRESPONSE, AND IT ALSO NEEDS

A RESPONSE THAT SAYS IF YOUHAVE A LEGITIMATE CLAIM FOR

REFUGEE STATUS OR ASYLUM,THAT'S ONE THING.

IF NOT YOU'RE GOING BACKHOME.

BUT LET'S DO THATEXPEDITIOUSLY AND LET'S DO

IT WITH RESPECT FOR THEDIGNITY OF EACH OF THESE

PEOPLE.

SO-- .

>> Stephen: YOU LAUNCHED MIDDLECLASS JUMP-START,.

>> MIDDLE CLASS JUMP-START.

>> Stephen: LAST WEEK WHENWILL IT BE LAW.

>> NOW LET ME SAY THIS WHILE WEWERE ANNOUNCING ON THE STEPS OF

THE CAPITOL WAVING THEAMERICAN FLAG ABOUT THE

MIDDLE CLASS AND ALL THAT,THE REPUBLICANS WERE INSIDE

WITH A HEARING TO SUE THEPRESIDENT OF THE UNITED

STATES FOR ENFORCING THELAW.

>> Stephen: WHY SHOULDN'TYOU DO THAT?

THEY WANTED THE PRESIDENT TOROLL OUT THE AFFORDABLE CARE

ACT, YOU KNOW, SWIFTLY, ASTHEY ALWAYS HAVE WANTED.

(LAUGHTER)>> NO WHAT THEY WANTED WAS

50 TIMES THEY VOTED TOREPEAL THE AFFORDABLE CARE

ACT.

BUT THEY'RE TALKING PROCESS.

WE'RE TALKING PROGRESS,WE'RE TALKING JOBS, THEY'RE

TALKING LAWSUITS.

>> Stephen: IF THE PRESIDENTIS BEING A TYRANT WHAT

CHOICE DO THEY HAVE BUT TOTAKE HIM TO COURT.

OBAMA CAN ALWAYS COUNTERSUE.

EVERYONE IN WASHINGTON CANGET MOBBED UP WITH LAWYERS

AND WE'LL LET JUDGE JUDYDECIDE THE ENTIRE THING.

(LAUGHTER)WELL, THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR

JOINING ME.

HOUSE DEMOCRATIC LEADERNANCY PELOSI.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)>> Stephen: WE'LL BE RIGHT

BACK.

>> GOOD NIGHT

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