November 15, 2012 - Chris Stringer

  • Episode: 09026
  • (0)

Campbell's promotes soups for Millennials, the Petraeus scandal escalates, meth protects against influenza, and Chris Stringer explains primitive humans.

CAN.

>> Stephen: TONIGHT, SCANDAL AT THE C.I.A.

WHY CAN'T CLARE DANES GET HER ( BLEEP ) TOGETHER?

( LAUGHTER ) THEN CAN METH BE MEDICINE?

FOUR OUT OF FIVE SPIEDS, OR YOUR FACE SAY YES.

AND MY GUEST CHRIS STRINGER IS A PALEOANTHROPOLOGIST WHO SAYS ALL HUMANS CAME FROM AFRICA.

SEE, I TOLD YOU OBAMA WAS FROM KENYA.

( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE ) THE PRESIDENT IS ABOUT TO PARDON A TURKEY.

WHAT DID THE TURKEY KNOW ABOUT BENGHAZI?

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

>> Stephen: WELCOME TO THE REPORT, EVERYBODY.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

>> Stephen: LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.

WELCOME TO THE REPORT.

THANK YOU FOR JOINING US.

FOLKS, I'M IN THE TV BIZ, WHERE IT'S ALL ABOUT THE DEMO GRAPHICS -- THE DEMO, WE CALL IT.

SO I WORK HARD TO APPEAL TO THE MILLENNIALS.

FOR EXAMPLE, BY CALLING THEM MILLENNIALS.

( LAUGHTER ) YOUNG PEOPLE LOVE BEING TARGET MARKETED BY THEIR BIRTHS DATE AND PURCHASING POWER, YOU KNOW,

GANGNAM STYLE.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) NO IDEA WHAT THAT MEANS, BUT THEY EAT IT UP!

THAT'S WHY-- THAT'S WHY I STAY UP ON ALL THE HOTTEST MILLENNIAL TRENDS.

AND RIGHT NOW, THERE IS NOTHING 18- TO 34-YEAR-OLD UPPER MIDDLE-INCOME KIDS LOVE MORE

THAN SOUP, PLAYAH!

YOU NEED PROOF?

WELL, LET ME SCHOOL YOU ON AMERICA'S HOTTEST LIQUID FOOD TREND, CAMPBELL'S GO, THE NEW

YOUTH-SCWUG LINE OF SUMES MADE ESPECIALLY FOR MILLENNIALS.

THAT'S RIGHT.

EVERY AMERICAN GENERATION IS DEFINED BY ONE THING-- THE GREATEST GENERATION STOPPED HITLER.

THE BABY BOOMERS STOPPED THE VIETNAM WAR.

AND THIS GENERATION WILL GO DOWN IN HISTORY FOR DEMANDING DIFFERENT SOUP.

( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE ) ACCORDING-- ACCORDING TO THE COMPANY, CAMPBELL'S GO IS A NEW

LINE OF SUMES DESIGNED FOR PEOPLE LIKE US-- FUN, BUSY, YOUNGISH.

( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE ) FOLKS, I THINK THIS MARKETING CAMPAIGN IS GREAT-ISH.

NOW, I BET YOU'RE SAYING, HEY, THESE NEW CANS OF SOUP CAN'T GET AND MORE DOPE.

HAIL TO THE NAH BECAUSE THEY COME IN A BAG NOW, BIATCH!

YEAH!

( APPLAUSE ) LOOK AT THAT GUY.

LOOK AT THAT GUY RIGHT THERE.

HE'S GOING, "WHAT UP, SOUP?" ( LAUGHTER ) JAM A STRAW IN IT, OKAY.

IT'S LIKE CAPRI SOUP.

AND BECAUSE IT'S SO HIP, HOME SLICE, YOU'RE NOT GOING TO SEE ADS ON THE TV.

NO, THAT'S FOR SQUARES.

YOU GOTTA SURF OVER TO THE GAMBLE'S GO WEB SITE EMY, TUMBLIR GRAPHICS THAT CAPTURE

THE SPIRIT AND ENERGY ONE ASSOCIATES WITH SOUP.

OF COURSE, YOU'RE PROBABLY THINKING WHAT'S SOUP WITHOUT MUSIC?

THAT'S WHAT I THOUGHT.

( LAUGHTER ) WELL, THEY GOT THAT COVERED, TOO, BECAUSE CAMPBELL'S HAS PARTNER WITH THE MUSIC SERVICE

SPOTTIFY SO CONSUMERS CAN CREATE CUSTOM PLAYLISTS BUILT OFF THE PERSONA OF THE SOUP.

SOUP-INSPIRED PLAYLISTS!

IT'S LIKE A MIX TAPE YOU MAKE FOR YOUR GIRLFRIEND, ONLY YOUR GIRLFRIEND IS A BAG OF SOUP.

( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) FOR EXAMPLE, I CHOSE TOM PETTY'S

"A WASTED LIFE "TO DESCRIBE WHOEVER CAME UP WITH THIS

MARKETING CAMPAIGN.

( LAUGHTER ) SOUP!

NOW, NATION, EVER SINCE FORMER C.I.A. DIRECTOR DAVID PETRAEUS REVEALED HIS TORRID AFFAIR, THE

SCANDAL HAS THE ENTIRE NEWS-SCAPE IN A TIZZY.

>> THE SEX SCANDAL THAT'S ROCKED WASHINGTON.

>> A SALACIOUS SEX SCANDAL INVOLVING THE NOW-FORMER C.I.A.

DIRECTOR.

>> BREAKING NEW DETAILS ON THE FAST-MOVING C.I.A. SEX SCANDAL.

>> WE HAVE TO TALK ABOUT THE FISCAL CLIFF BUT I'M DYING TO ASK YOU ABOUT THE SCANDAL

BECAUSE IT'S ALL ANYONE'S ABOUT.G TALKING

>> Stephen: YEAH.

THIS SEX SCANDAL IS ALL ANYBODY IN WASHINGTON CAN TALK ABOUT.

I WONDER WHY THE COUNTRY IS IN FINANCIAL RUIN?

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) WELL, FOLKS, I MAY BE A NEWS JUNKY, BUT I ALSO GOT TO HAVE MY STORIES.

AND THIS IS BOTH.

IT'S LIKE A STEAMY EPISODE OF "GENERAL'S HOSPITAL." ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )

AND THESE DAYS-- THESE DAYS, INFORMATION, I SPEND MY AFTERNOONS YOU KNOW PLOPPED ON

THE COUCH IN THE HOUSECOAT, WATCHING CNN WITH A VIRGINIA SLIM IN BON HAND AND A BOX OF

AFTER 8s IN THE OTHER.

I DON'T CARE IF THE NEWS GOES STRAIGHT TO MY HIMSELF.

IT IS ME TIME.

THIS STORY HAS GOT EVERYTHING-- A DECORATED WAR HERO HAS AN AFFAIR WITH HIS OWN SEXY

BIOGRAPHER, WHO SENSES THE SPY MASTER IS STEPPING OUT ON HER WITH A SECOND GIRLFRIEND, SO SHE

SENDS AN E-MAIL FROM A SECRET ACCOUNT SAYING STEP OFF OR I WILL CUT, BIATCH.

AND THE SECOND HOTTIE FREAKS OUT AND CONTACTS HER FRIENDS, F.B.I.

AGENT, WHO LAUNCHES AN INVESTIGATION, BUT GETS PULLED OFF THE CASE BECAUSE HE SEXED

HER A SHIRTLESS PHOTO.

THE SPY MASTERY PROTEGE, ALSO A GENERAL, HAS SENT THOUSANDS OF E-MAILS TO THE SECOND WOMAN.

THIS ISN'T JUST A LOVE TRIANGLE, INFORMATION.

IT'S A LOVE PENTAGON.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).

I GOTTA SAY-- I GOTTA SAY, AFTER THAT, IT GETS A LITTLE FARFETCHED.

I MEAN, ALL OF A SUDDEN, THE SECOND WOMAN HANS EMOTIONALLY TROUBLED IDENTICAL TWIN.

AND BOTH THE SPY MAST EXPERT GENERAL WRITE LETTERS OF SUPPORT FOR THE TWIN SISTER'S CUSTODY

BATTLE WITH HER ECONCLUSION?

OH, AND LISTEN TO THE NAME THEY CAME UP WITH FOR HIM?

GRAYSON WOLF.

JIMMY, WE DON'T HAVE A PICTURE OF HIM YET, SO JUST PUT UP A VISUAL APPROXIMATION.

THAT'S RIGHT.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).

FOLKS, I HAVE TO SAY, IT'S JUST NOT BELIEVABLE ANYMORE.

( LAUGHTER ) I-- I THINK THE NEWS HAS JUMPED THE SHARK.

AND THE MOST UNBELIEVABLE PARTS, THEY SAY THAT-- THAT-- THAT THE GENERAL DOWN THERE,

THAT GENERAL OVER THERE, HE IS THE TOP COMMANDER OF OUR WAR IN AFGHANISTAN.

AFGHANISTAN?

REALLY?

( LAUGHTER ) PLEASE.

IF OUR TROOPS WERE REALLY STILL FIGHTING IN AFGHANISTAN, DON'T YOU THINK WE'D BE HEARING ABOUT

THAT ON THE NEWS INSTEAD OF ALL THIS BULL ( BLEEP )?

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) NOT BELIEVABLE.

ANYWAY.

ANYWAY, BOTTOM LINE, IT'S A SOAP OPERA AND IT IS DONE.

WE SHOULD ALL MOVE ON.

>> OH, THIS IS FAR FROM OVER, STEPHEN.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

>> Stephen: SUSAN LUCCI!

>> OH, YES.

AND THERE'S MORE.

GENERAL PETRAEUS HAS DEVELOPED AMNESIA, AND-- ( LAUGHTER ) AND CAN'T REMEMBER THAT HE'S PREGNANT.

( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE ) BY HIS OWN EVIL TWIN, WHO IS IN A COMA, AND IS MY LOVER.

( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

>> Stephen: THAT DOESN'T MAKE ANY SENSE.

>> HOW DARE YOU!

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

>> Stephen: HOW CAN YOU DO THAT FROM OVER THERE?

>> DON'T YOU REMEMBER?

I WAS IN A BOATING ACCIDENT, AND NOW I HAVE TELEKINESIS.

JUST LIKE GENERAL PETRAEUS.

( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪

>> Stephen: I STILL THINK IT'S BULL ( BLEEP ).

>> YEAR, YOU'RE PROBABLY RIGHT.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).

>> Stephen: WELCOME BACK, EVERYBODY.

THANKS, FOLKS.

NATION, YOU KNOW, YOU'VE HEARD IT MANY TIMES, THEY SAY THAT LAUGHTER IS THE BED MEDICINE.

WHICH IS WHY I CHUCKLE AT SIX PEOPLE.

THIS IS CHEATING DEATH WITH DR. STEPHEN T. COLBERT, D.F.A.

>> THE LONGER THE WORD THE SMARTER YOU MUST BE.

>> POSSIBLY, POSSIBLY.

>> Stephen: YOU'RE ALSO A.

ARER AT THE NATURAL HISTORY MUSEUM IN LONDON, A FELLOW OF THE ROYAL SOCIETY, AND YOU HAVE

A NEW BOOK CALLED "LONE SURVIVORS-- HOW WE CAME TO BE THE ONLY HUMANS ON EARTH."

GOTTA SAY, NOT A GREAT PHOTO OF YOU ON THE COVER THERE.

( LAUGHTER ).

>> YES, YES.

>> Stephen: GAINED A FEW POUNDS.

LONE SURVIVORS, THE ONLY HUMANS ON EARTH-- HUMANS ARE THE ONLY HUMANS.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY THIS?

>> WELL, IF YOU GO BACK 100,000 YEARS --

>> Stephen: I RARELY DO, I RARELY DO.

>> I TEND TO STOP ABOUT 6,000 YEARS AGO WHEN EVERYTHING WAS CREATED, BUT GO AHEAD.

>> WE'LL GO BACK EVEN FURTHER.

>> Stephen: OKAY.

AND THEN THERE WERE PROBABLY AT LEAST FIVE KINDS OF HUMANS ON THE EARTH 100,000 YEARS AGO.

THERE WERE NEANDERTHALS IN EUROPE.

THERE WERE PEOPLE IN ASIA CALLED THE DEMISSIVIANS, THERE WERE PEOPLE IN JAFFA AND A WEIRD

THING NICKNAMED HOBBIT LIVING ON THE ISLANDFUL FLORESC.

THE OTHER SPECIES DIED OUT.

WE ARE THE ONLY SURVIVORS.

AND ONE OF THE QUESTIONS IS WHY ARE WE THE ONLY ONE LEFT.

>> Stephen: WHICH WERE WE?

>> WE WERE THE ONES EVOLVING IN AFRICA, HOMO SAPIENS.

AND ABOUT 60,000 YEARS AGO, WE STARTED TO COME OUT OF AFRICA --

>> Stephen: WAIT, WAIT, WHERE DID THE NEANDER THALZ COME FROM IF THEY WEREN'T FROM AFRICA?

>> WE GO BACK NOW ABOUT 500,000 YEARS, HALF A MILLION YEARS.

WE HAVE A COMMON ANCESTOR WITH THE NEANDERTHALS AND WE SPLIT FROM THEM AND WENT IN OUR OWN DIRECTION.

>> Stephen: WAS THAT IN AFRICA WE SPLIT OFF?

>> PROBABLY THERE WAS A SPECIES CALLED HOMOHYDER BERG, THAT SPECIES LIVED IN EUROPE, A

EXPWRARK AFRICA AND STARTED TO EVOLVE INTO NEW SPECIES.

NORTH OF THE MEDITERRANEAN AND EUROPE AND ASIA IT BECAME THE NEANDERTHALS AND SOUTH OF THE

MEDITERRANEAN IN AFRICA IT BECAME US.

WE CAM OUT AND THE BIG QUESTION IS WHAT HAPPENED WHEN WE CAME OUT --

>> Stephen: WE KICKED A LITTLE ASS, DIDN'T WE, KICKED A LITTLE ASS, NEANDERTHAL ASS.

>> ONE VIEW IS WE WIPED THE OTHER SPECIES OUT.

BUT IT LOOKS MORE COMPLICATED THAN THAT, AND IT WASN'T A COMPLETE WIPEOUT AS WE'VE

LEARNED IN THE LAST COUPLE OF YEARS.

>> Stephen: WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

>> THERE WAS A BIT OF INTERBREEDING.

>> Stephen: OH, COME ON, COME ON.

>> YOU AND I HAVE GOT A LITTLE BIT OF NEANDERTHAL IN US?

>> Stephen: REALLY?

HOW MUCH?

WHAT PART OF ME IS NEANDERTHAL?

IS IT THE GUY THAT COMES OUT WHEN I'M DRUNK.

HE'S ROUGH TRADE.

>> PROBABLY-- IT'S IN YOUR D.N.A., BUT IT MAY NOT BE SHOWING PHYSICALLY.

>> Stephen: IS IT DOING ANYTHING IN THERE, OR IS IT LIKE A SLEEPER CELL, LIKE A TERRORIST

D.N.A. SLEEPER CELL?

>> IT'S NOT DOING TOO MUCH.

>> Stephen: WE INTERBRED WITH THE NEANDERTHALS.

WE KNOW THIS?

>> WE DID.

BASICALLY WE GET OUR D.N.A. FROM THE NEANDERTHAL FOSSILS NOW AND WE RECREATED MOST OF THEIR GENOME.

COMPARING THAT WITH HUMANS WE FIND PEOPLE OUTSIDE OF AFRICA-- PEOPLE IN EUROPE, CHINA,

AUSTRALIA, NATIVE AMERICANS-- THEY'VE ALL GOT A BIT OF NEANDERTHAL D.N.A. IN THEM.

KIND OF FOR THE NEANDERTHALS IT'S A CHANGE OF RELATIONSHIP.

I USED TO THINK THEY COMPLETELY DIED OUT.

NOW WE KNOW THEY DIDN'T DIE OUT.

SOME OF THEIR D.N.A. LIVES ON IN US.

>> Stephen: CAN WE GET A NEANDERTHAL BACK BY SELECTIVE BREEDING?

THAT WOULD PROBABLY --

>> Stephen: IT'S A QUESTION, SCIENCE I'M ASK AG AT QUESTION.

>> IT'S A GOOD QUESTION.

OBVIOUSLY, THE DEBATE A COUPLE OF WEEKS AGO ABOUT CLOPG A NEANDERTHAL, AND IT'S THE SORT

OF THING WE WOULD HAVE SAID WAS IMPOSSIBLE A FEW YEARS AGO.

NOW, AT LEAST SOME IDIOT WITH ENOUGH MONEY AND ARROGANCE COULD ONE DAY PROBABLY DO IT.

( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )

>> Stephen: YOU'RE SINGING MY SONG.

ARE WE STILL EVOLVING?

>> WE ARE STILL EVOLVING.

>> Stephen: WHAT'S NEXT FOR US?

>> I THINK WE CAN SAY WHAT ISN'T GOING TO HAPPEN.

YOU SEE THESE DIAGRAMS AND PICTURES SOMETIMES OF STICK PEOPLE WITH GREAT BIG BRAINS.

>> Stephen: EXACTLY.

>> THAT IS NOT GOING TO HAPPEN.

OUR BRAINS HAVE ACTUALLY GOTTEN SMALLER IN THE LAST 20,000 YEARS, SOME MAYBE MORE THAN OTHERS.

I DON'T KNOW.

( LAUGHTER ) BUT OVERALL, WE HAVE-- YEAH.

WE HAVE ACTUALLY HAD SHRINKING BRAINS IN THE LAST 20,000 YEARS.

>> Stephen: HOW ABOUT OUR GUT?

>> THERE'S A THING CALLED THE EXPENSESSIVE TISSUE HYPOTHESIS.

IT SAYS WE ESOLVED OUR LARGE BRAINS BY CHANGE OUR DIET.

OUR ANCESTORS HAD GREAT BIG GUTS BECAUSE THEY WERE VEGETARIAN.

THEY NEVER HAD ENOUGH SPARE ENERGY BECAUSE THEIR GUTS WERE USING 20% OF THEIR ENERGY.

THEY NEVER HAD ENOUGH SPARE ENERGY TO EVOLVE A LARGE BRAIN.

WHEN WE STARTED EATING MEAT, IT FREED UP ENERGY AND WE COULD START TO RUN A BIGGER BRAIN.

>> Stephen: THAT'S WHY VEGETARIANISM SEEMS SO STUPID TO ME.

THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR JOINING ME.

( APPLAUSE ) THE BOOK IS "LONE SURVIVORS." CHRIS STRINGER, WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

>> Stephen: OH, HI THERE.

I WAS JUST WAITING FOR THE CAMERA TO COME BACK ON AND GIVE MY LIFE MEANING.

LAST MONTH, WE CELEBRATED THE SEVENTH ANNIVERSARY OF THE COLBERT REPORT.

I DIDN'T MENTION IT AT THE TIME, BECAUSE AMERICA WAS THOUGHTLESSLY HING ITS PRESIDENTIAL CAMPAIGN DURING MY

SPECIAL DAY.

YOU KNOW, I'VE BEEN THINKING ABOUT THE LAST SEVEN YEARS-- 1,118 SHOWS-- AND ASKING, WHAT

WERE OUR TRIUMPHS?

WHAT WERE OUR FAILURES?

WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME I SLEPT?

( LAUGHTER ) OF COURSE, TRADITIONALLY THE SEVENTH ANNIVERSARY GIFT IS WOOL, SEE I WAS GOING TO GET YOU SHEEP.

THEN I THOUGHT, NO, THAT'S STUPID.

I'VE GOT A BETTER PRESENT.

I PRESENT THE COLBERT REPORT 7th ANNIVERSARY PORTRAIT.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).

IT'S LIKE THE PICTURE OF "DORRIAN GRAY" ONLY THIS THIS CASE, WHILE THE PAINTING REMAINS

YOUNG AND VIBRANT.

>> WITHER TO A FORM OF MYSELF.

WE HAVE AN EXTRA PEABODY ON THE PANT EXPEL I'M HOLDING MY NEW BOOK, "AMERICA AGAIN, REBOTTOM

BECOMING THE GREATNESS WE NEVER WEREN'T." THIS PAINTING, THIS ENTIRE SHOW WOULD NOT BE POSSIBLE WITHOUT

YOU, THE COLBERT NATION.

IN MANY WASES THIS ISN'T JUST A PORTRAIT OF ME.

IT'S A PORTRAIT OF YOU IN THE FORM OF ME.

( LAUGHTER ) AND I HAVE TO SAY, YOU LOOK GREAT.

( LAUGHTER ) THANKS FOR SEVEN YEARS.

I, FOR ONE, CANNOT WAIT TO SEE WHAT NUMBER COMES NEXT.

GOOD NIGHT, EVERYBODY, AND HAPPY THANKSGIVING!

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

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