June 19, 2014 - Jay Carney

  • Episode: 10122
  • (0)

Dick Cheney slams Obama over Iraq, Doritos unveils experimental flavors, an app reduces all messages to "yo," and Jay Carney chats about being White House press secretary.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )>> Stephen: WELCOME TO THE

REPORT.

WELCOME.

THANK YOU SO MUCH.

( AUDIENCE CHANTING "STEPHEN!")

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )>> Stephen: THANK YOU, FOLKS.

SIT DOWN.

FOLKS THANK YOU SO MUCH.

OH, YOU, MY BROTHERS, IT WASGORGEOUSITY AND YUM YUM YUM

THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR BEING HERETONIGHT.

I TOLD YOU ALL ABOUT THE RECENTSURGE OF VIOLENCE IN IRAQ AND

HOW IT CAUGHT PRESIDENT OBAMAWITH HIS MOM JEANS DOWN.

( LAUGHTER )BUT YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY--

EVERY BRUTAL TERRORIST ONSLAUGHTHAS A SILVER LINING.

IN THIS CASE IT BROUGHT BACK MYOLD PALS, THE IRAQ PACK, AND

THEY ARE SINGING THE SAME OLDTUNES.

>> LOOK, I THINK WE SHOULD HAVEFOUND A WAY TO KEEP AN AMERICAN

PRESENCE IN IRAQ.

>> PRESIDENT BUSH DID EXACTLYTHE RIGHT THING IN OVERTHROWING

SADDAM HUSSEIN.

>> I'M NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR IRAQTODAY.

THAT'S BECAUSE OF WHAT BARACKOBAMA DID.

>> GENERAL PETRAEUS HAD THECONFLICT WON, THANKS TO THE

SURGE.

WE HAD THE CONFLICT WON.

AND WE HAD A STABLE GOVERNMENT.

>> Stephen: JOHN McCAIN ISRIGHT-- WE HAD THAT CONFLICT WON

IN 2009 WHEN WE LEFT IRAQ APEACEFUL, SMOLDERING DEMOCRACY.

( LAUGHTER )I BELIEVE WE HAVE SOME FOOTAGE

OF BAGHDAD AT THE HEIGHT OF THESURGE.

♪ ♪ ( CHEERS ).

>> Stephen: OKAY.

( LAUGHTER )THERE WERE A FEW UPTICKS IN

VIOLENCE, BUT FOR THE MOST PART,WHEN WE LEFT THE SUNNI AND THE

SHIA WERE BRONIES.

IT WAS ESPECIALLY NICE TO SEETHE RETURN OF THE LEADER OF THE

IRAQ PACK, OLD DEAD EYES.

HE CRAWLED OUT FROM UNDER HISUNDISCLOSED ROCK TO POINT AN ICY

FINGER OF TRUTH AT BARACK OBAMA.

IN AN OP-ED IN WHAT MANY ARECALLING THE "WALL STREET

JOURNAL," CHENEY WRITES, "RARELYHAS A U.S. PRESIDENT BEEN SO

WRONG ABOUT SO MUCH AT THEEXPENSE OF SO MANY."

YES, RARELY, MAYBE ONLY ONEOTHER TIME.

( LAUGHTER )( APPLAUSE )

OF COURSE, THE LIBERALS, THELIBERALS--

( CHEERS ), OF COURSE, THE LIBERAL MEDIA

WENT RIGHT AFTER HIM, ESPECIALLYLEFT WING LOON MEGYN KELLY.

>> TIME AND TIME AGAIN, HISTORYHAS PROVEN THAT YOU GOT IT WRONG

AS WELL IN IRAQ, SIR.

YOU SAID THERE WAS NO DOUBTSADDAM HUSSEIN HAD WEAPONS OF

MASS DESTRUCTION.

YOU SAID WE WOULD BE GREETED ASLIBERATORS.

YOU SAID THE IRAQ INSURGENCY WASIN THE LAST THROES BACK IN 2005.

AND YOU SAID THAT AFTER OURINTERVENTION EXTREMISTS WOULD

HAVE TO "RETHINK THEIR STRATEGYOF JIHAD."

NOW WITH ALMOST $1 TRILLIONSPENT THERE, WITH 4500 AMERICAN

LIVES LOST THERE, WHAT DO YOUSAY TO THOSE WHO SAY YOU WERE SO

WRONG ABOUT SO MUCH AT THEEXPENSE OF SO MANY?

>> NO, I FUNDAMENTALLY DISAGREE,REAGAN-- MEGYN.

( LAUGHTER )( APPLAUSE )

>> Stephen: THAT WAS NOMISTAKE.

AS A TRUE CONSERVATIVE, EVERYSENTENCE HAS TO CONTAIN AT LEAST

ONE REAGAN.

( LAUGHTER )AND HE JUST FUNDAMENTALLY

DISAGREES WITH REALITY.

IT'S EASY NOW TO MONDAY MORNING"NOT INVADE IRAQ" BUT DICK

CHENEY REMEMBERS HOW IT FELT ATTHE TIME SO RIGHT.

>> YOU'VE GOT TO GO BACK ANDLOOK AT THE TRACK RECORD.

WE INHERITED A SITUATION WHERETHERE WAS NO DOUBT IN ANYBODY'S

MIND ABOUT THE EXTENT OFSADDAM'S INVOLVEMENT IN WEAPONS

OF MASS DESTRUCTION.

>> Stephen: THERE WAS NODOUBT ABOUT THE EXTENT OF

SADDAM'S INVOLVEMENT INW.M.D.s, BUT WE DID THE RIGHT

THING AND INVADED ANYWAY.

FOLKS, IT TAKES HUEVOSRANCHEROS TO BLAME THE

OUTCOME OF THE WAR YOU STARTEDON THE MAN WHO ENDED IT.

IN FACT, I'D SAY THOSE THINGSHE'S SWINGING COULD BE BALLS OF

MASS DESTRUCTION, WHICH MEANS WEHAVE NO CHOICE BUT TO INVADE

DICK CHENEY'S SACK.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).

WE HAVE GOT SATELLITE IMAGERY OFTHIS MAN'S NUTS, AND HE IS

DEFINITELY HIDING SOMETHING DOWNTHERE, MAYBE ALUMINUM TUBES.

I DON'T KNOW.

NOW, FOR NATIONAL SECURITYREASONS I CANNOT SHOW THEM TO

YOU.

JUST TRUST ME THAT THE WHITEPOWDER IN COLIN POWELL'S VIAL

THIS TIME IS GOLD BOND.

( APPLAUSE )FOLKS, YOU KNOW ME, I BELIEVE IN

THREE SQUARE MEALS A DAY.

THAT'S WHY I ONLY EAT GRAHAMCRACKER AND VELVEETA SANDWICHES.

THIS IS THOUGHT FOR FOOD.

( CHEERS )( APPLAUSE )

FOLKS, WHEN IT COMES TOEDUCATION, THERE IS ONE CRUCIAL

THING A CHILD NEEDS-- NAME-BRANDFOOD PRODUCTS.

YOU GOT EVERY SUBJECT RIGHTTHERE IN THE VENDING MACHINE--

THREE MUSKETEERS-- THAT'SENGLISH CLASS.

BUGLES-- THAT'S BAND.

AND AQUAFINA-- PRETTY SURETHAT'S LATIN.

BUT THE MICHELLE OBAMAHEALTH-STAPO IS NOW CRACKING

DOWN ON THE MARKETING OF LESS-NUTRITIOUS FOODS IN SCHOOLS

WITH NEW RULES LIMITING HOW MUCHFAT, SUGAR, AND SODIUM THEY

CONTAIN, INGREDIENTS WHICH AREUSUALLY LIMITED ONLY BY OUR

IMAGINATION.

( LAUGHTER )( APPLAUSE )

( CHEERS )( LAUGHTER )

>> AND, FOLKS, THIS POSES APARTICULAR THREAT TO DOMINO'S

PIZZA WHO HAVE OUTLETS IN 3,000SCHOOLS IN 38 STATES BUT THEY'VE

OUTSMARTED THE FIRST LUNCH LADYBY INTRODUCING THE DOMINO'S

SMART SLICE WHICH HAS ONE-THIRDLESS FAT IN THE PEPPERONI,

ONE-THIRD LESS SALT IN THESAUCE, AND CHEESE WITH HALF THE

FAT SO THAT IT FITS THE NEWHEALTH STANDARDS.

BUT DON'T WORRY, THESE CHANGESDON'T SACRIFICE THE USUAL

DOMINO'S-- I WANT TO SAY TASTE.

( LAUGHTER )FOR EXAMPLE, SCHOOL FOOD MUST

CONTAIN AT LEAST 50% WHOLEGRAINS.

SO 51% OF THE SMART SLICE CRUSTUSES A WHOLE WHEAT FLOUR THAT IS

MADE TO LOOK AND TASTE LIKE IT'SWHITE FLOUR AND THAT SENDS A

GREAT MESSAGE TO OUR KIDS-- 51%IS A PASSING GRADE.

( CHEERS )( APPLAUSE )

BEST OF ALL, BEST OF ALL,DOMINO'S HAS NO PLANS TO SELL

THE SMART SLICE IN SHOPS.

( LAUGHTER )WHICH IS WHY I WANT TO SAY

SOMETHING NO ONE'S EVER SAID TODOMINO'S BEFORE-- WELL DONE.

BECAUSE YOU--( APPLAUSE )

YOU, DOMINO'S, HAVE THE MEANSAND CAPABILITY TO CRAFT A

HEALTHIER PIZZA THAT LOOKS ANDTASTES LIKE YOUR NORMAL PRODUCT

BUT YOU REFUSE TO SELL IT TO ME.

( LAUGHTER )YOU KNOW THAT IF I'M ORDERING

DOMINO'S, I HAVE ZERO INTERESTIN HEALTH.

IN FACT, I MIGHT HAVE A DEATHWISH.

( LAUGHTER )FINALLY-- BY THE WAY, IT'S

DELICIOUS.

YOU SHOULD EAT IT.

FINALLY, THERE'S NO QUESTIONTHAT WHEN IT COMES TO SNACKING,

AMERICA'S NUMBER ONE.

WE HAVE THE BIGGEST GULPS.

WE HAVE THE SLIMMEST JIMS.

EVEN OUR YUNS ARE THE FUNNEST.

BUT, FOLKS, DORITOS, DORITOS HASJUST KICKED OUR SNACKING UP A

NOTCH WITH THREE NEW MYSTERYFLAVORS IDENTIFIED ONLY BY THE

NUMBERS 404, 855, AND 2653.

FINALLY, DORITOS IS NAMING CHIPSFOR THE ATOMIC NUMBERS OF THEIR

ACTIVE INGREDIENTS.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).

ALL I KNOW ABOUT THESE CHIPS,ALL I KNOW ABOUT THESE CHIPS IS

THAT AT SOME POINT DURING THEMANUFACTURING PROCESS THEY

BECAME JACKED.

WHICH, ACCORDING TO DORITOS,MEANS THEY'RE 40% BIGGER IN SIZE

AND THICKNESS.

YOU KNOW IT'S GOOD FOOD WHEN THEMARKETING SOUNDS LIKE SPAM FOR

AN ESTONIAN BONER PILL.

GUESS WHAT, NATION?

( APPLAUSE )IF YOU DON'T WANT TO TAKE A

CHANCE ON THESE CHIPS, YOU'RE ACOWARD.

BECAUSE ACCORDING TO THE DORITOSVICE PRESIDENT OF MARKETING,

"THERE IS NOTHING AS BOLD ASSTEPPING INTO THE UNKNOWN AND

CRUNCH INTO AN UNKNOWN MYSTERYCHIP."

NOTHING AS BOLD. WE CROSSEDOCEANS.

WE PUT A MAN ON THE MOON.

WE HARNESSED THE POWER OF THEATOM.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )BUT NEVER, NEVER HAVE WE

DISCOVERED ANYTHING THATAMERICANS WON'T EAT.

( LAUGHTER )WELL, FOLKS, I FOR ONE AM UP TO

THE CHALLENGE OF HAVING MY TASTEBUDS JACK SLAPPED BY THESE

CHIPS, OKAY.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )THERE YOU GO.

FIRST OF ALL, I GOTTA SAY, ILOVE THE NONDESCRIPT MIRROR

PACKAGING.

IT'S A GREAT WAY TO SEE THAT,YEAH, YEAH, I'M THE ONE EATING

THIS.

( LAUGHTER )LET'S TRY SOME 855 RIGHT HERE.

MMM-MMM.

HOLD ON.

MMM.

OKAY.

I'M GETTING NOTES OF SALT.

( LAUGHTER )THAT TRANSITIONS INTO A SALTY

FLAVOR.

BEFORE FINISHING WITH JUST AHINT OF SALT.

( LAUGHTER )YOU KNOW WHAT?

I'M GONNA FINISH THAT LATER.

( APPLAUSE )MY ONE QUIBBLE-- MY ONE QUIBBLE

IS I STILL KNOW WAY TOO MUCHABOUT THESE CHIPS.

FOR EXAMPLE, THEY'RE DORITOS.

WHO WANTS TO GET BOGGED DOWNWITH ALL THAT INFORMATION?

I'M TRYING TO EAT HERE, NOTREAD. THAT'S WHY

TONIGHT I'M INTRODUCING MY OWNEXPERIMENTALLY

VAGUE SNACK PRODUCT-- PUT IT INYOUR MOUTH.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )EACH BAG OF PUT IT IN YOUR MOUTH

IS PACKED WITH ITS CONTENTS.

WHAT ARE THOSE?

EAT SOME AND TELL US.

TWEET WHAT YOU THINK YOU ATE ANDYOU COULD WIN MORE OF WHATEVER

THAT WAS.

LOOK FOR IT AT YOUR LOCALGROCER'S.

SERIOUSLY, COULD YOU HELP USLOOK FOR IT BECAUSE SOME OF IT

HAS ESCAPED THE LAB.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

>> Stephen: WELCOME BACK.

THANK YOU SO MUCH.

NATION, YOU KNOW, YOU READ THEPAPERS, YOU KNOW THAT WE

AMERICANS LIVE IN ANUNPRECEDENTED ERA OF

COMMUNICATION TECHNOLOGY, FROMTABLETS TO SMARTPHONES TO

FUTURISTIC GLASSES THATINSTANTLY SEND THE MESSAGE,

I'M A DOUCHE.

NOW THERE'S A NEW APP THAT HASEXPANDED THE POSSIBILITIES FOR

COMMUNICATION BY DRASTICALLYREDUCING THEM.

>> THERE'S A NEW SMARTPHONE APPSIMPLY CALLED YO. USERS CONNECT

WITH EACH OTHER THROUGH THE FREEAPP AND PUSH ONE BUTTON TO

SEND THE WORD YO TO A CONTACT.

SO FAR, 50,000 USERS HAVE SENTABOUT FOUR MILLION YO'S.

>> Stephen: THAT'S RIGHT, YO,AN APP ALREADY HUGELY POPULAR

WITH THE WORLD'S POPULATION OFSYLVESTER STALLONE.

NOW, WHEN I FIRST LEARNED ABOUTAN APP THAT BOILS DOWN ALL YOUR

COMMUNICATION INTO TWO LETTERS,I EXPRESSED MYSELF IN ONE.

Y?

( APPLAUSE )BUT I JOINED--

( CHEERS )I JOINED THE YO-TH MOVEMENT WHEN

I READ THE COMPANY BOASTS ITTAKES 11 TAPS TO SEND THE WORD

YO ON A RIVAL MESSAGING SERVICECOMPARED TO TWO ON THEIR APP.

THAT'S A NINE-TAP DIFFERENCEDIFFERENCE.

TAPS YOU COULD BE SPENDING WITHYOUR CHILDREN.

( LAUGHTER )BUT THE TRUE BEAUTY OF ONLY

SAYING YO IS IT SAYS SO MUCH.

AS ITS DEVELOPER PUTS IT WE LIKETO CALL IT CONTEXT-BASED

MESSAGING.

YOU UNDERSTAND BY THE CONTEXTWHAT IS BEING SAID.

CONTEXT IS EVERYTHING.

IN THE OLD DAYS IF I TEXTEDSOMEONE THE WORD YO, AND I

WANTED THEM TO KNOW WHAT ITMEANT, I HAD TO FOLLOW UP WITH

GURT.

AND YO IS ALSO GOOD FORBUSINESS.

FOR INSTANCE, AN ICE CREAM TRUCKCAN YO THE KIDS WHEN ITS

AROUND THE CORNER.

IMAGINE GETTING A YO FROM THEICE CREAM TRUCK, AND PARENTS CAN

SIGN UP TO TELL THEIR KIDS TOSTAY AWAY FROM ANYONE WITH THE

USER NAME "THEICECREAMTRUCK."

BUT WHY ARE THEY LIMITING THISBREAKTHROUGH TO JUST OUR PHONES?

I BELIEVE WE CAN IMPLEMENT YO'SCONTEXT-BASED COMMUNICATION

PHILOSOPHY IN EVERYDAY LIFE.

COME ON OUT, JAY.

JAY THE INTERN, EVERYBODY.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )YO.

>> YO.

>> Stephen: YO.

>> YO.

>> Stephen: YO.

>> YO.

>> Stephen: YO.

>> YO.

>> Stephen: YO-YO-YO-YO.

>> YO.

>> Stephen: YO! YO.

>> YO.

YO.

>> Stephen: YO!

>> YO.

( LAUGHTER )>> Stephen: YO.

( LAUGHTER )>> Stephen: YO.

♪ YO, YO, YO ♪ ( CHEERS )

>> Stephen: YO-YO-YO-YO.

>> Stephen: WELCOME BACK,EVERYBODY.

MY GUEST TONIGHT SPENT THE LASTTHREE YEARS FIELDING REPORTERS'

QUESTIONS.

TO MAKE HIM FEEL AT HOME, IWON'T BELIEVE A WORD HE'S

SAYING.

PLEASE WELCOME JAY CARNEY!

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )HEY, JAY, THANK YOU FOR COMING

ON.

ALL RIGHT.

UH, UH, JAY.

>> STEPHEN.

>> Stephen: STEPHEN COLBERT,THE "COLBERT REPORT."

I HAVE A 12-PART QUESTION.

JAY, ARE YOU GOING TO ANSWER ANYOF MY QUESTIONS TODAY?

>> I'LL SAY A LOT.

>> Stephen: YOU'LL SAY A LOT?

ALL RIGHT.

ARE YOU STILL WORKING FOR THEWHITE HOUSE OFFICIALLY RIGHT

NOW?

>> I HAVE ANOTHER 24 HOURS ASWHITE HOUSE PRESS SECRETARY, SO

-->> Stephen: OKAY, GOOD.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).

SO I CAN STILL MAINTAIN AHEALTHY CONTEMPT FOR YOU.

BECAUSE AS SOON AS YOU'RE NOTWORKING FOR THAT GUY, YOU KNOW

I'M GOING TO LIKE YOU.

>> WELL I HOPE SO.

>> Stephen: WHAT ARE YOUGOING TO DO?

FIRST OF ALL, WHY ARE YOUQUITTING, YOU QUITTER?

COULD YOU NOT TAKE IT?

>> I GOT AN E-MAIL FROM SOMEBODYCALLING ME A QUITTER.

>> Stephen: YOU ARE AQUITTER, QUITTER.

MAN UP.

THERE'S A WAR ABOUT TO START INIRAQ AGAIN.

COME ON.

DON'T YOU WANT TO ANSWER THOSEQUESTIONS?

>> YOU KNOW, I GOT AN E-MAILEARLIER THIS YEAR FROM SOMEONE

WHO SAID, "YOU KNOW YOU'RE THELONGEST SERVING WHITE HOUSE

PRESS SECRETARY SINCE THEMID-90s."

AND I CHECKED, AND IT'S TRUE.

I DIDN'T QUITE REALIZE THAT ITWAS SUCH A HIGH-BURNOUT JOB.

BECAUSE I-- I'M A GLUTTON FORPUNISHMENT, AND I ACTUALLY LIKE

IT.

>> Stephen: REALLY?

>> I LOVE IT, AND I LIKE--THERE'S NOTHING BETTER, I FIND,

THAN REALLY CONTENTIOUS BRIEFINGTO MAKE MY DAY.

( LAUGHTER ).

>> Stephen: WELL, YOU'VE HADA FEW.

>> I'VE HAD A FEW.

>> Stephen: DO THEY TELL YOUARE YOU HAVING A MEETING BEFORE

YOU GO OUT THERE SAYING,REMEMBER, THIS IS GOING TO BE

THE SUBJECT, LET'S ALL--" ITMIGHT BE, "THIS IS HOW THE

PRESIDENT FEELS OR THIS IS THEADMINISTRATION'S POLICY."

OR DO YOU SOME DAYS GO OUT THEREAND SAY, "I'M GOING TO WING THIS

AND TRY NOT TO START ANINTERNATIONAL INCIDENT?"

>> THERE IS A DANGER THAT ASYOU'VE DONE IT FOR A WHILE, YOU

BEGIN TO THINK YOU DON'T NEED TOACTUALLY --

>> Stephen: I'M KIND OF THEPRESIDENT.

I'M KIND OF THE PRESIDENT.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

YOU FEEL LIKE, HEY, THE CAMERA'SPOINTED AT ME.

I MUST BE THE MAN.

>> MAKE SOME POLICY TODAY.

NO, WHAT YOU REALIZE IS THATWHEN YOU SPEAK FOR THE PRESIDENT

AND THE WHITE HOUSE AND THEUNITED STATES, YOU HAVE TO BE

CAREFUL.

AND YOU-- YOU COULDINADVERTENTLY CAUSE A CRISIS OR

A MISUNDERSTANDING BETWEEN OURNATION AND ANOTHER NATION.

SO WE DID SPEND A-- WE DO SPENDA LOT OF TIME BEFORE BRIEFINGS,

GOING OVER WHAT IS THE NEWDEVELOPMENT OR WHAT NEW ARE WE

SAYING ABOUT A CRISIS OVERSEASOR AT HOME.

>> Stephen: WHAT'S THEBIGGEST MISTAKE YOU EVER MADE?

WHERE DID YOU REALLY SHANK IT?

BIGGEST REGRET LIKE, "ISHOULDN'T HAVE SAID THAT."

>> MY BIGGEST REGRET ISOCCASIONALLY I TOOK THE BAIT.

AND WHEN YOU'RE AT THE PODIUM,YOU'RE A LITTLE ABOVE EVERYBODY

ELSE -->> Stephen: I'VE STOOD UP

THERE.

IT'S A HEADY FEELING.

>> AND YOU CAN, YOU KNOW,DICTATE A LITTLE BIT HOW THE

BRIEFING GOES BY CALLING ON THENEXT PERSON.

SO IT'S EASY TO WIN AN EXCHANGE.

WHEN SOMEBODY'S GETTING RILED UPAND FILLED WITH SOMETIMES

FEIGNED RIGHTEOUS INDIGNATION>> Stephen: COME ON, JAY!

>> EXACTLY.

>> Stephen: YOU DIDN'T ANSWERTHE QUESTION!

>> AND IF THEY'RE REALLYOBNOXIOUS AND YOU GET A LITTLE

RATTLED AND YOU SORT OF ENGAGE,YOU FINISH THE EXCHANGE THINKING

I WON THAT.

I KILLED.

AND THEN YOU LOOK AT IT LATER ONTV, AND YOU REALIZE THAT NOBODY

ACTUALLY SEES THE WHOLEEXCHANGE.

THEY JUST SEE YOU WAGGING YOURFINGER OR, YOU KNOW, LOOKING

LIKE A JERK.

AND THAT'S NOT GOOD FOR THEPRESIDENT.

SO THOSE ARE THE-- I DIDN'T DOTHAT OFTEN.

BUT WHEN I DID -->> Stephen: IT WAS TO

JONATHAN CARL OF ABC NEWS.

( LAUGHTER ).

>> IT COULD HAVE BEEN.

WE HAD OUR MOMENTS.

>> Stephen: YOU TWO HAD YOURTENSE MOMENTS.

NOW, WHY DON'T YOU GUYS JUST GETA ROOM.

BECAUSE--( LAUGHTER ).

>> YOU KNOW, HE AND OTHERS INTHAT ROOM ARE DOING THEIR JOBS.

>> Stephen: A JOB YOU DID.

>> I USED TO DO IT.

I DID IT A LITTLE DIFFERENTLYBECAUSE I WAS WORKING --

>> Stephen: BECAUSE YOU'REBETTER THAN THEY ARE, RIGHT?

A LITTLE BIT DIFFERENTLY.

>> THANK YOU FOR SAYING THAT BUTI WAS A "TIME" MAGAZINE REPORTER

BACK WHEN IT WAS A WEEKLYMAGAZINE.

WHEN I COVERED CLINTON ANDGEORGE W. BUSH, BEFORE THERE WAS

THAT NEED, EVEN AT THEMAGAZINES, TO SORT OF, YOU KNOW,

FILL THE NEWS HOLE EVERY MINUTE,EVERY HOUR OF EVERY DAY.

>> Stephen: I BELIEVE REQUESTTHE TIME" MAGAZINE HAS CHANGED

ITS NAME TO "THE NEWS HOLE."

( LAUGHTER ).

>> SO WHAT THAT MEANT WAS IDIDN'T ENGAGE IN THAT KIND OF

BACK-AND-FORTH VERY OFTEN WITHTHE PRESS SECRETARY.

BUT THOSE FOLKS ARE DOING THEIRJOB.

SOMETIMES I THINK THAT THE FACTTHAT THE BRIEFING IS TELEVISED

IN ITS ENTIRETY, SOMETHING THATMIKE McCURRY BACK IN THE 90s

UNDER CLINTON HAS SAID YES TOAND APOLOGIZED TO EVERY

SUCCESSIVE PRESS SECRETARY,CREATES A THEATERICALITY TO IT

AND SOME SORT OF, YOU KNOW,RIGHTEOUS INDIGNATION.

PEOPLE POSE AND THEY WANT TOHEAR THEMSELVES TALK OR THEY

WANT TO CREATE MOMENTS, CREATINGSOME DRAMA.

>> Stephen: SHUT THE ( BLEEP )UP.

( LAUGHTER )( APPLAUSE )

DID YOU EVER-- DID YOU EVER--DID YOU EVER--

>> OH, DID I WANT -->> Stephen: HEY, HEY, GUYS

I'VE GOT A QUESTION FOR YOU.

WHY DON'T YOU BITE ME.

>> YOU KNOW, YESTERDAY I HAD MYLAST BRIEFING FROM THE PODIUM

AND I THOUGHT ABOUT IT.

( LAUGHTER )>> Stephen: WHEN YOU WERE

GROWING UP, DID YOU WANT TO BE APRESS SECRETARY?

DID YOU HAVE A POSTER OFTRUMAN'S PRESS SECRETARY?

THE VEST.

THE FLAK JACKET.

>> IT'S NOT A VERY IMPRESSIVEFLAK JACKET.

>> Stephen: ARE YOU ALLOWEDTO TELL WHAT NOTE YOU LEFT OR IS

THAT A SECRET?

YOU LEAVE A NOTE, RIGHT?

>> I'M GOING TO WRITE ONETOMORROW FOR JOSH EARNEST WHO

HAS BEEN A FANTASTIC DEPUTY ANDWILL BE THE NEXT PRESS SECRETARY

>> Stephen: I'VE ALREADY SAIDTHIS TO YOU, BUT WHAT A NAME FOR

PRESS SECRETARY.

JOSH EARNEST.

HIS NAME LITERALLY MEANS JUSTKIDDING BUT SERIOUSLY.

THANK YOU SO MUCH, JAY.

WHITE HOUSE PRESS SECRETARY JAYCARNEY FOR 24 MORE HOURS.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

>> Stephen: THAT'S IT FOR THEREPORT, EVERYBODY.

GOOD NIGHT.

Captioning sponsored by COMEDY CENTRAL

Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH

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