December 7, 2010 - Julie Nixon Eisenhower & David Eisenhower

  • Episode: 06155
  • (0)

Obama extends the Bush tax cuts, and David and Julie Eisenhower recall growing up in the White House.

( APPLAUSE )

>> STEPHEN: THANK YOU, LADIES

AND GENTLEMEN.

THANK YOU SO MUCH.

FOLKS, THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

WELCOME TO "THE REPORT."

THANK YOU FOR JOINING US.

THANK YOU.

PLEASE, NATION.

FOLKS, NATION, YESTERDAY THE

BUSH TAX CUTS WERE EXTENDED FOR

EVERYONE.

AFTER EIGHT WEEKS OF FIGHTING,

REPUBLICANS AND DEMOCRATS

FINALLY SHOWED BIPARTISANSHIP IN

THAT REPUBLICANS OFFERED

PARTISANSHIP, AND THE PRESIDENT

AGREED TO BUY IT.

OF COURSE, THE DOOM-CRYING

MATHLETES OUT THERE SAY THAT IN

JUST THE NEXT TWO YEARS ALONE,

THIS EXTENSION OF THE TAX CUTS

WILL ADD $501 BILLION TO THE

DEFICIT, BUT WILL IT REALLY?

I MEAN, RIGHT NOW THE DEFICIT IS

$1.3 TRILLION.

BUT IF YOU MAKE THE DEFICIT BIG

ENOUGH, EVENTUALLY WE'LL ONLY

SEE ZEROS.

NO DEFICIT.

AND, FOLKS, IF WE JUST KEEP

ADDING TO IT, EVENTUALLY IT WILL

REACH INFINITY, AND WE JUST TURN

OUR HEADS SIDEWAYS AND, BOOM,

IT'S AN EIGHT.

EIGHT.

THAT'S NOT MUCH.

I'LL PAY THAT OFF MYSELF.

HERE'S A SAWBUCK.

HERE'S A SAWBUCK.

OKAY.

KEEP THE CHANGE, AMERICA.

AND THESE TAX CUTS DON'T JUST

FIX THE DEFICIT, FOLKS.

THEY FIX THE JOB MARKET.

RIGHT, JOHN BOEHNER?

>> I THINK EXTENDING ALL OF THE

CURRENT TAX RATES WILL BE THE

MOST IMPORTANT THING WE CAN DO

TO HELP CREATE JOBS IN THE

COUNTRY.

>> STEPHEN: YES, DOING NOTHING

IS THE INJECTION OUR STAGNANT

ECONOMY NEEDS.

JIMMY, UNLEASH THE PROSPERITY.

THERE YOU GO, AMERICA.

THERE YOU GO.

THERE'S YOUR PROSPERITY,

AMERICA.

OH, AND WHAT'S THIS?

UH-OH.

OH.

THIS WAS MY BENEFIT FROM THE TAX

CUTS.

IT'S HARD TO TELL BECAUSE IT

JUST GOT DESTROYED ON THE

DISSENT, BUT MY BALLOON WAS MADE

BY LOUIS VUITTON.

( LAUGHTER )

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

OH, WELL.

ALL OF THE JOKES FOR THE NEXT

MINUTE ARE ABOUT MY BALLOON.

( LAUGHTER )

OBVIOUSLY.

NATION, LAST NIGHT I SHOWED YOU

PART ONE IN THE LATEST IN MY

AWARD-RESISTANT SERIES "STEPHEN

COLBERT'S MYSTERIES OF THE

ANCIENT UNKNOWN: KING TUT'S

PENIS."

OUR JOURNEY CONTINUES.

JIM.

PREVIOUSLY ON "MYSTERIES OF THE

ANCIENT UNKNOWN," I TRAVELED TO

THE KING TUT EXHIBIT IN TIMES

SQUARE FOR AN EXCLUSIVE

INTERVIEW WITH EGYPTOLOGIST

DR. DAVID SILVERMAN.

1922, TUT IS DISCOVERED IN HIS

TOMB.

PENIS IS INTACT.

>> CORRECT.

>> STEPHEN: 1968.

BOOM.

NOTICE ANYTHING MISSING?

LET'S STOP BEATING AROUND THE

BUSH.

WHERE'S THE PENIS?

>> I'M NOT SURE WHAT YOU'RE

GETTING AT.

>> STEPHEN: SO TONIGHT WE

SEARCHED FOR CLUES AMONG KING

TUT'S TREASURE IN THE DRAMATIC

CONCLUSION OF "MYSTERIES OF THE

ANCIENT UNKNOWN: STEPHEN COLBERT

AND THE PURSUIT OF THE PHARAOH'S

FALLIS."

( APPLAUSE )

WHAT A BEAUTIFUL ITEM.

>> WE CALL IT A KARTOUCHE BOX.

>> WERE KARTOUCHES ALWAYS BOXES?

WERE THERE EVER KARTOUCHE BAGS?

>> NO.

>> STEPHEN: HOW MUCH OF YOUR

LIFE'S WORK IS MADE UP?

>> I DON'T THINK ANY OF IT IS.

>> STEPHEN: I COULD SAY THAT

MEANS SOMETHING ELSE.

TO ME I SEE LET'S PLAY CHECKERS

ON THE OCEAN WITH THE ARTIST

FORMERLY KNOWN AS PRINCE.

>> THE PICTURE AT THE VERY TOP

IN RED AND BLACK IS ACTUALLY A

GAME BOARD.

>> STEPHEN: SO I'M RIGHT.

>> WELL, NOT ACTUALLY.

>> STEPHEN: BUT IT IS A BOARD.

>> IT IS A BOARD.

>> STEPHEN: I SAID IT WAS.

>> YES.

>> STEPHEN: THEREFORE I AM

RIGHT.

>> IN THAT PART, YES.

>> STEPHEN: THANK YOU.

I LIKE THIS.

DO YOU KNOW WHAT COULD BE

INSIDE, DOCTOR?

>> WHEN WE TAKE THE EXHIBITION

DOWN, I'LL LOOK INSIDE, AND IF

THERE IS A PENIS, I'LL GIVE YOU

A CALL.

>> STEPHEN: WHOSE PENIS?

>> WELL, I THINK YOU'RE ONLY

INTERESTED IN KING TUT'S.

>> STEPHEN: IF I WERE PLAYING

HIDE THE ANCIENT SALAMI, I KNOW

EXACTLY WHERE I WOULD HAVE

STASHED IT.

>> THAT'S AN IVORY BOX, AND IN

THE BACK IT HAS HINGES.

AND THOSE MAY BE AMONG THE FIRST

METAL HINGES MADE, AND THEY

STILL WORK.

>> STEPHEN: AND THAT'S NOT ON

THE BANNER OUT FRONT?

WHY NOT "HINGES WITH KING TUT"?

YOU TELL PEOPLE THERE ARE HINGES

IN HERE, YOU GET A LINE DOWN THE

STREET.

HINGES.

WOW.

WOW.

THOSE LOOK A LOT LIKE HINGES.

DID YOU KNOW THIS WHEN YOU GOT

INTO EGYPTOLOGY THAT THERE WAS

TO BE THIS MUCH EXCITEMENT ABOUT

HINGES?

>> I DID NOT.

>> STEPHEN: YOU DID NOT.

THAT'S JUST GRAVY FOR YOU.

>> THAT'S WHY I LIKE EXHIBITS.

>> STEPHEN: THEY DO NOT MAKE

THEM LIKE THEY USED TO.

WELL, ACTUALLY, THEY MAKE THEM

EXACTLY LIKE THEY USED TO.

AS FASCINATING AS HINGES ARE, IT

WAS TIME FOR ME TO TAKE A LOOK

AT TUT HIMSELF.

SO HERE WE ARE, FINALLY FACE TO

FACE WITH KING TUT'S MUMMY.

>> WELL, THIS IS ACTUALLY A

REPLICA OF KING TUT'S MUMMY

HERE.

>> STEPHEN: I KNOW THAT.

I KNOW THAT.

FINALLY FACE TO FACE WITH A

REPLICA OF KING TUT'S MUMMY.

( LAUGHTER )

COULD THE PERSON WHO STOLE KING

TUT'S PENIS HAVE ALSO STOLEN THE

REPLICA'S PENIS?

>> ACTUALLY, WE DON'T THINK THE

PENIS WAS STOLEN.

>> STEPHEN: IT'S NOT THERE.

>> YOU'RE CORRECT.

THERE ISN'T A PENIS THERE.

>> STEPHEN: THANK YOU.

SOMETHING ABOUT SILVERMAN'S

EXCUSES WEREN'T ADDING UP.

IT WAS TIME TO TURN UP THE HEAT.

DR. SILVERMAN, I DON'T WANT TO

PUSSYFOOT AROUND ANYMORE.

DID YOU STEAL KING TUT'S PENIS?

>> NO.

( LAUGHTER )

>> STEPHEN: OKAY.

THAT CHECKS OUT.

HE'S CLEAN.

I JUST HAD TO MAKE SURE.

>> I'M GLAD YOU CHECKED.

>> STEPHEN: OKAY.

SO WHERE IS THE PENIS?

>> IT'S IN THE TOMB OF KING TUT

UNDERNEATH THE COVERING.

>> STEPHEN: I'LL PLAY YOUR GAME.

IN 2005, DR. ZAHI HAWASS,

SECRETARY-GENERAL OF

ANTIQUITIES, TOOK TUT OUT FOR A

CAT SCAN, AND HE CLAIMS THE

PENIS WAS IN THE SAND UNDERNEATH

THE MUMMY THE ENTIRE TIME.

>> IT WAS.

THAT'S WHAT HE CLAIMS, AND HE

HAD PHOTOGRAPHS OF IT.

>> STEPHEN: YOU'VE HEARD OF

PHOTOSHOP?

>> YES.

>> STEPHEN: IT WOULD BE SO EASY

TO PHOTOSHOP A PENIS.

I MEAN, I COULD SEND YOU TO SOME

WEB SITES, WEB SITES THAT SEEM

ALMOST ENTIRE DEDICATED TO

PHOTOSHOPING PENISES.

>> REALLY?

>> Stephen: YES.

YOU JUST GO TO GOOGLE IMAGE AND

PUT IN PENIS AND YOUR RESEARCH

IS ALMOST DONE FOR YOU.

ISN'T THE SIMPLER ANSWER SOMEONE

TOOK IT.

>> WHY WOULD THEY WANT TO DO

THAT?

>> STEPHEN: SMOKE IT, GET HIGH.

YOU KNOW THE CHINESE BUY TIGER

DONGS AND SNORT THAT FOR SEXUAL

PROWESS.

>> DO YOU THINK THAT HAS A

NARCOTIC KIND OF EFFECT?

>> STEPHEN: I WOULDN'T KNOW.

I'VE NEVER SMOKED PENIS.

>> HAVE YOU SEEN HIS PENIS WITH

YOUR OWN EYES?

>> NO, I HAVEN'T.

>> STEPHEN: YOU'RE WILLING TO

PUT YOUR ENTIRE CAREER, A

LIFETIME OF WORK ON THE LINE FOR

A PENIS YOU HAVE NEVER ACTUALLY

SEEN?

>> MY FEELING IS THAT THE TRUTH

HAS BEEN STATED BY DR. HAWASS,

AND I SEE NO REASON TO DOUBT

THAT.

>> Stephen: YOU KNOW THAT

DENIAL IS NOT JUST A RIVER IN

EGYPT.

I'M BEING TOLD THAT IT IS JUST A

RIVER IN EGYPT.

I'M SORRY.

I DID NOT KNOW THAT.

EVEN IF I BUY INTO THIS

FANTASTICAL STORY THAT THERE IS

A PENIS THERE IN THE SAND THAT

NOBODY NOTICED FOR 40 YEARS AND

NOW IT'S MAGICALLY BEEN FOUND,

HOW DO WE KNOW THAT THAT PENIS

BELONGS TO KING TUT?

IT COULD BE ANYBODY'S

3,000-YEAR-OLD PENIS.

HAVE THEY D.N.A. TESTED THE

PENIS TO MAKE SURE IT IS KING

TUT'S.

>> I DEMAND THE EGYPTIAN

GOVERNMENT ALLOW ME TO GO INTO

WHERE KING TUT'S MUMMY IS HELD

TO PERFORM D.N.A. TESTS ON THAT

PENIS TO MAKE SURE IT BELONG TO

KING TULT.

IS THAT OKAY WITH YOU?

>> IF YOU RECEIVE PERMISSION

FROM DR. ZAHI HAWASS, I WOULD

CERTAINLY GO ALONG WITH YOU

>> ALL RIGHT.

DR. SILVERMAN, THANK YOU SO MUCH

FOR HELPING ME SOLVE THE MYSTERY

OF KING TUT'S PENIS.

♪♪

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

>> Stephen: LET'S TAKE THAT

BATTERIES OUT.

DID YOU HEAR THAT, DR. HAWASS?

THE BALL IS IN YOUR COURT.

>> WELCOME BACK, EVERYBODY.

AS YOU KNOW, I AM A HUGE

SUPPORTER OF THE MILITARY'S

"DON'T ASK, DON'T TELL" POLICY.

IT IS A TESTAMENT OF AMERICANS

TOLERANCE OF ALL PEOPLE WE NEVER

FIND OUT ARE GAY.

IN FACT, I BET I'M TOLERATING

UNNON-GAYS MANY MY AUDIENCE

RIGHT NOW.

LET'S SEE.

IF YOU'RE GAY, DON'T TELL ME.

COULD BE ALL OF THEM, YET I'M

FINE WITH NOT KNOWING THAT.

BUT LAST WEEK SECRETARY OF

DEFENSE GATES WENT BEFORE

CONGRESS TO ASK THAT "DON'T ASK,

DON'T TELL" BE REPEALED.

>> I STRONGLY URGE THE SENATE TO

PASS THIS LEGISLATION AN SEND IT

TO THE PRESIDENT FOR SIGNATURE

BEFORE THE END OF THE YEAR.

I BELIEVE THIS HAS BECOME MATTER

OF SOME URGENCY.

>> Stephen: "SOME URGENCY"?

WHERE'S THE FIRE, BOB?

DO HOMOSEXUALS HAVE AN

EXPIRATION DAY?

BEST IF GAY BY?

EVEN INDEPENDENT SENATOR AND

HUMAN PUFF PASTRY JOE LIEBERMAN

RECENTLY TWEETED, "KEEP SENATE

IN SESSION UNTIL "DON'T ASK,

DON'T TELL" REPEALED."

IF NOT NOW WHEN?

I COUNTER-TWEET, IF WHEN, NOT

NOW.

FOLKS, THE MILITARY IS NOT YOUR

NORMAL WORKPLACE.

SUDDENLY ALLOWING OPENLY GAY

SOLDIERS IS NOT AS SIMPLE AS

ALLOWING KHAKIS ON FRIDAYS.

BY THE WAY, THE GUYS WHO SHOW UP

WITH NON-PLEATED KHAKI, DON'T

ASK.

YOU SEE, A FIGHTING FORCE HAS TO

PRESERVE SOMETHING CALLED UNIT

COHESION, WHICH IS MILITARY

SPEAK FOR NO GAY GUYS.

WHEN YOU'RE IN COMBAT, THE

NUMBER ONE THOUGHT IN YOUR MIND

AS BULLETS ARE WHIZZING OVERHEAD

IS I HOPE THE GUY WHO JUST SAVED

MY AS WASN'T SAVING IT FOR

LATER.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).

NOW, A PENTAGON STUDY, A

PENTAGON STUDY CAME OUT LAST

WEEK THAT SAID THAT 70% OF

SERVICE MEMBERS WHO HAVE LITTLE

OR NO PROBLEM IF "DON'T ASK,

DON'T TELL" WAS REPEALED.

BUT THE STUDY IS CLEARLY BIASED.

I MEAN, THINK ABOUT IT, THAT 70%

WHO HAVE NO PROBLEM WITH GAY

TEEM HAVE NO PROBLEM WITH GAY

PEOPLE.

CHANGING THE POLICY REALLY

AFFECTS 100% OF THE 30 PRESIDENT

CLINTON WHO DO HAVE A PROBLEM

WITH GAY PEOPLE.

AN OUR MILITARY REDNESS WOULD BE

UNDERMINED BY THEIR VAGUELY

DEFINED DISCOMFORT.

BUT DON'T TAKE MY WORD FOR IT.

JUST ASK FORMER WAR HERO AND

CURRENT FORMER WAR HERO JOHN

McCAIN.

HE POINTED OUT THE STUDY'S FATAL

FLAW.

>> I'M REALLY KIND OF TAKEN

ABACK AT THE SECOND DAUGHTER'S

STATEMENT THAT WE WON'T HAVE A

"REFERENDUM" BY THE MEN AND

WOMEN IN THE MILITARY.

I NEVER MADE A MAJOR DECISION IN

THE MILITARY WITHOUT GOING

AROUND AND TALKING TO THE

ENLISTED PEOPLE.

>> Stephen: BECAUSE HAVING THE

TROOPS VOTE ON EVERYTHING THE

MILITARY DOES IS STANDARD

OPERATING PROCEDURE.

REMEMBER HOW GENERAL PATTEN BEAT

THE NAZIS.

>> WE'RE NOT INTERESTED IN

VOTING ON ANYTHING EXCEPT THE

ENEMY.

WE'RE GOING TO HOLD ON THE HIM

BY THE NOSE, AND WE'RE GOING TO

KICK HIM IN THE ASS.

WE'RE GOING TO KICK THE HELL OUT

OF HIM ALL THE TIME, AN WE'RE

GOING TO GO THROUGH HIM LIKE

CRAP THROUGH A GOOSE.

>> Stephen: [AS PATTEN]: IF

THAT'S OKAY WITH YOU.

SO WE'VE GOT TO POLL EVERYONE IN

THE MILITARY, FROM TOP GENERALS

TO THE TROOPS, EVERYONE WHO IS

INVOLVED, PEOPLE WHO SUPPLY THE

BASE, MILLION TEAR CONTRACTORS,

CIVIL WAR RE-ENACTORS AND

TEN-YEAR-OLDS PLAYING RISK IN

THEIR BASEMENT.

IF EVEN ONE OF THEM OBJECTS TO

REPEALING "DON'T ASK, DON'T

TELL," JOHN McCAIN AND I

BELIEVE THAT THAT'S TOO SOON.

AND IF NO ONE IN OUR MILITARY

WANTS TO DENY GAYS THE RIGHT TO

FIGHT AND DIE FOR THEIR COUNTRY,

THEN I SAY WE NEED TO ASK PEOPLE

WHO DO SHARE OUR TRADITIONAL

ANTI-GAY VALUES, THE TALIBAN.

IT'S ONLY FAIR.

AFTER ALL, IT'S

>> Stephen: WELCOME BAN,

EVERYBODY.

MY GUEST TONIGHT WROTE A BOOK

ABOUT PRESIDENT DWIGHT D.

EISENHOWER CALLED "GOING HOME TO

GLORY."

FUNNY?

I THOUGHT HIS WIFE'S NAME WAS

MAMIE.

PLEASE WELCOME JULIE AND DAVID

EISENHOWER.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR JOINING

ME.

OH, THIS IS A REAL PLEASURE.

NOW, YOU TWO HAVE A VERY UNIQUE

PLACE IN AMERICAN HIS TRY.

DAVID, YOU ARE THE GRANDSON OF

SUPREME ALLIED COMMANDER AND

PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES

DWIGHT EISENHOWER.

>> RIGHT.

>> Stephen: AND JULIE, YOU ARE

THE DAUGHTER OF PRESIDENT NIXON.

>> RIGHT.

>> Stephen: NOW, I WOULD ASK

HOW YOU TWO HOOKED UP, BUT I'VE

SEEN THE EVIDENCE.

JIM, DO WE HAVE THAT PHOTOGRAPH

OF THESE TWO YOUNG PEOPLE, THESE

LOVE BIRDS.

YOU'RE THE TWO IN THE MIDDLE?

>> THAT'S RIGHT.

>> Stephen: AND WHEN IS THIS?

>> THIS IS JANUARY 20, 1957.

JANUARY 21st.

>> WE WERE EIGHT YEARS OLD.

>> THAT'S CHIEF JUSTICE EARL WAR

REMEMBER OVER THERE ON THE

RIGHT.

>> Stephen: YOU DON'T HAVE TO

TELL ME.

I'M A HUGE WARREN HEAD.

IS THERE A LOT OF PRESSURE BEING

THE MOST ADORABLE COUPLE IN

AMERICA?

DO PEOPLE LOOK TO YOU AS SOME

SORT OF... LIKE ICONS OF A TIME.

>> WELL, IF THEY EVEN KNOW WHO

WE ARE AT ALL.

>> Stephen: OH, THEY WILL

KNOW, THE COLBERT BUMP.

>> PICKING UP PRESCRIPTION, YOU

SPELL EISENHOWER WITH AN "E,"

NOT AN "I."

>> Stephen: WHEN THEY ASK YOU

TO SPELL EISENHOWER, DO YOU EVER

SAY, "HE DEFEATED HIT HER"?

>>

THE

BOOK IS CALLED "GOING HOME TO

GLORY: A MEMOIR OF THE LIFE OF

DWIGHT D. EISENHOWER.

" WHAT WAS LIFE LIKE FOR YOUR

GRANDFATHER AFTER HE LEFT THE

PRESIDENCY?

FIRST OF ALL, DID HE CONSIDER

PRESIDENT EISENHOWER OR GENERAL

EISENHOWER?

>> HE TOOK THE TITLE GENERAL AND

IT PUZZLED PEOPLE.

IT PUZZLED PRESIDENT KENNEDY.

DWIGHT EISENHOWER MADE THE

REQUEST OF PRESIDENT KENNEDY.

I THINK WHAT IT MEANT WAS HE

REGARDED HIS BOND WITH THE

SOLDIERS OF WORLD WAR II TO BE

THE BASIC REASON HE WAS IN

PUBLIC SERVICE.

I THINK HE CONSECRATED HIS

PRESIDENCY BY THAT ACT, TAKING

THE TITLE GENERAL.

>> FOR THE FEW PEOPLE OUT THERE

WHO MAY NOT HAVE A MILITARY

EDUCATION, HE WAS SUPREME ALLIED

COMMANDER, A GUY WHO PLANNED AND

EXECUTED D-DAY.

>> EXECUTED D-DAY.

MARSHALL AND MONTGOMERY AND WHO?

>> HE WAS ONE OF THE FIRST

PLANNERS TO DEVELOP THE IDEA FOR

D-DAY.

>> Stephen: BY THE WAY, YOU

SAW WHAT I WAS SAYING ABOUT JOHN

McCAIN EARLIER.

I ACTUALLY ASKED THE SOLDIERS IF

THEY WANTED TO INVADE NORMANDY,

RIGHT?

>> EXACTLY.

>> Stephen: THAT'S HOW THE

MILITARY WORKS.

>> EXACTLY THE WAY IT WORKS,

YES.

>> Stephen: HERE'S SOMETHING I

THINK IS MORE AMAZING ABOUT THIS

MAN.

HE WAS PRESIDENT DURING THE PEAK

OF AMERICAN POWER IN THE WORLD.

I MEAN, FOR PETE'S SAKE, WE WERE

SENDING FOOD TO ENGLAND IN THE

1950S.

WHAT WAS IT LIKE GROWING UP AT

THE CENTER OF THAT POWER?

WAS WHAT WAS IT LIKE TO BE WITH

THE MAN WHO INVENTED THE

1950s.

>> WHAT WOULD YOU SAY, AWESOME?

>> AWESOME, YEAH.

>> HE WAS VERY EXCITING, AND YOU

CAN IMAGINE HOW POPULAR I MADE

YOU IN SCHOOL TO BRING YOUR

CLASSMATES TO THE WHITE HOUSE,

OH, SURE.

>> TO HAVE SECRET SERVICE, VERY

GLAMOROUS.

>> Stephen: WAS IT HARD FOR

HIM TO RETURN THE DAILY LIFE?

>> EVERYTHING HAD BEEN DONE FOR

HIM IN YEARS.

HE HADN'T DRIVEN A CARD IN

YEARS.

HE HADN'T EVEN PLACED TELEPHONE

CALLS.

HE HAD TO BE SHOWN HOW TO DIAL A

TELEPHONE.

WHEN HE LEFT OFFICE, THIS WAS

SORT OF A REHABILITATION... HE

PUT HIMSELF IN A REHABILITATION

PROGRAM.

>> Stephen: 20 YEARS OF

EVERYBODY DOING THINGS FOR HIM?

COULD HE FEED HIMSELF?

>> YES.

>> YES.

>> EXACTLY.

THAT'S THE IDEA.

THE PRESIDENT IS VERY PAMPERED,

AND SO HE... STEP ONE WAS TO

TAKE CONTROL OF YOUR IMMEDIATE

SURROUNDINGS AND THEN...

>> IT'S AMAZING.

>> HE GOT A DRIVER'S LICENSE.

>> Stephen: HE COULDN'T DRIVE?

>> WITHIN ABOUT SEVEN MONTHS OF

LEAVING OFFICE, HE SHOWS UP AT

THE PENNSYLVANIA DEPARTMENT OF

MOTOR VEHICLES FOR A DRIVER'S

TEST.

YOU CAN IMAGINE WHAT THE STATE

TROOPERS ARE GOING TO SAY ABOUT

THE GENERAL'S QUALIFICATIONS.

THEY OF COURSE CALLED HIM AN

EXCELLENT DRIVER.

THEY GAVE HIM THE LICENSE AND

WE'RE THE ONES WHO HAD THE DRIVE

AROUND WITH HIM IN THE PASSENGER

SEAT FOR YEARS.

>> HAND ME THE KEY, GRANDPA.

( LAUGHTER )

YOU AREST.

>> EXACTLY.

>> Stephen: DO YOU HAVE ANY

ADVICE FOR SASHA AND MALIA

GROWING UP IN THE WHITE HOUSE IN

THE PUBLIC EYE?

ARE THERE HAUNTED BATHTUBS WHERE

TAFT'S GHOST STILL SHOWS UP OR

SOMETHING LIKE THAT.

ARE THERE THINGS YOU WOULD SAY

TO THE CHILDREN IN THE WHITE

HOUSE.

>> THERE ARE PEOPLE WHO BELIEVE

THERE ARE GHOSTS IN THE WHITE

HOUSE.

PEEP IN THE STAFF WOULD NOT COME

TO THE SECOND FLOOR OF THE WHITE

HOUSE DURING THE NIXON YEARS,

RIGHT?

AT NIGHT.

>> I THINK THE LINCOLN BEDROOM

IS SUPPOSED TO BE HAUNTED.

I NEVER NOTICED IT.

THE OBAMAS SEEM LIKE A CLOSE

FAMILY.

I'M SURE THE GIRLS ARE HAVING A

LOT OF SLEEPOVERS.

THERE'S A SECRET STARE CASE.

THERE ARE SO MANY PLACES TO HIDE

IN THE WHITE HOUSE.

>> WHERE DID YOU HIDE, AND WHO

DID YOU HIDE FROM?

>> I DID FIND A GREAT PLACE.

THERE'S THE QUEEN'S BEDROOM.

THERE'S A GREAT BIG WALK IN

SHOWER.

WE PLAYED A GAME OF SARDINES.

WE HAD A BIG GROUP OF

HOUSEGUESTS.

>> Stephen: SARDINES IN

COLLEGE?

THAT'S A TOTALLY DIFFERENT GAME

IN COLLEGE.

>> THE VERY BACK OF THE CLOSET

IS VERY DARK.

NOBODY COULD FIND ME.

ISN'T THAT GREAT?

>> NO KIDDING.

>> Stephen: ARE YOU GLAD YOU

EVENTUALLY FOUND HER?

DAVID EISENHOWER, JULIE NIXON

EISENHOWER, THANK YOU SO MUCH.