March 13, 2014 - Simon Schama

  • Episode: 10078
  • (0)

Recreational marijuana sales skyrocket in Colorado, Obama expands overtime pay for millions of Americans, and Simon Schama talks "The Story of the Jews."

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )>> Stephen: OH, HEY!

WELCOME TO THE REPORT,EVERYBODY!

>> STEPHEN!

STEPHEN!

STEPHEN!

STEPHEN!

STEPHEN!

STEPHEN!

STEPHEN.

>> Stephen: THANK YOU SOMUCH.

WELCOME TO THE REPORT.

THANK YOU FOR JOINING US, LADIESAND GENTLEMEN, IN HERE, OUT

THERE, ALL AROUND THE WORLD.

MR. AND MRS. AMERICA, AND ALLTHE SHIPS AT SEA.

FOLKS, YOU CAN FEEL THEELECTRICITY IN THE ROOM RIGHT

NOW.

THIS IS OUR LAST SHOW BEFORE WETAKE A WEEK OFF FOR SPRING

BREAK.

I AM GOING TO MISS YOU BUT IHAVE NO CHOICE BECAUSE MY DOCTOR

SAYS I NEED TO LOAD UP ONVITAMIN BACARDI.

THAT'S GOOD OLD ALCOHOL-- SAFEAND EFFECTIVE WHEN ADMINISTERED

ORALLY.

BUT FIRST, TONIGHT, I WANT TOTALK TO YOU ABOUT MARIJUANA.

OR AS THE KIDS--( CHEERS )

YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.

IT FRIGHTENS ME, TOO.

( LAUGHTER )MARIJUANA, OR AS THE KIDS CALL

IT, JAZZ CIGARETTES.

JUST BECAUSE IT COMES FROMNATURE, PEOPLE THINK IT'S

HARMLESS, BUT IF POT WERE SOSAFE, THEN WHY IS EVERYONE FROM

THE MOVIE "REFER MADNESS" NOWDEAD?

( LAUGHTER )BUT RECENT NEWS FROM COLORADO,

A.K.A. "POT"SYLVANIA, HAS CAUGHTMY ATTENTION.

>> GREEN MAKES GREEN.

NEW NUMBERS SHOW COLORADO RAKINGIN ABOUT $2 MILLION IN ITS FIRST

MONTH OF RECREATIONAL MARIJUANASALES.

THAT'S FROM TAXES.

>> THAT FIGURE IS BASED ON TOTALSALES OF $14 MILLION DURING THE

FIRST MONTH IT BECAME LEGAL.

>> THAT STATE'S GOVERNOR THINKSMARIJUANA SALES WILL BRING IN

MORE THAN $600 MILLION A YEAR.

>> Stephen: $600 MILLION!

FOLKS, THE MARKET HAS SPOKEN,AND THE MARKET IS TOKIN'

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )AS A STAUNCH CAPITALIST, I MUST

NOW HONOR MY LONG-STANDINGPLEDGE TO INSTANTLY DITCH MY

MORALS FOR ANYTHING PROFITABLE.

FIRST UP, I'M GOING TO NEED ALITTLE BUSINESS EXPERIENCE,

OKAY, SO I SWIPED AN APPLE FROMTHE OFFICE FRIDGE, AND I ALSO

SWIPED SOME WEED, ALSO FROM THEOFFICE FRIDGE.

I DON'T CARE IF YOUR NAME WAS ONIT, JERRY, ALL RIGHT?

NOW FROM WHAT I READ ON REDDIT,IT'S EASY TO TURN THIS BAD BOY

INTO A PIPE.

I JUST HOLLOW OUT-- I JUSTHOLLOW OUT ONE LITTLE THING

HERE, AND I TAKE SOME OF THAT DPSPRINKLE THAT IN THERE.

AND THEN... MMMM.

MMMM.

MAN.

THAT IS SOME TART STANK.

CLEARLY, THERE'S SOME CASH TO BEMADE HERE.

AND IF YOU WANT A PIECE OF THEPIE, AND IF YOU'RE HIGH, YOU

DO-- I'M GOING TO HELP YOU MAKESOME MONEY RIGHT NOW WITH THE

HELP-- OH" OF A BIG RED BUTTON.

>> ARE YOU A COP?

YOU HAVE TO TELL ME IF YOU'RE ACOP.

THIS IS THE "COLBERT REPORT'S."

BEARS AND BALLS.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )BEARS AND BOWLS EDITION.

HI, NATION.

WE'RE ON THE PRECIPICEAVE NEWGOLD RUSH.

ISN'T THAT RIGHT, OLD TIMER?

WEEEEED!

THERE'S WEEEEED IN THEM THEREHILLS.

WEEEEED!

( COUGHING )( LAUGHTER )

( APPLAUSE ) ( CHEERS )

AND FOR SOME BUSINESSMEN, THECASH IS ALREADY POURING IN.

>> WE WANT TO INTRODUCE YOU TOONE FAMILY WHO IS AMONG THE

FIRST AMERICANS TO BECOMEMILLIONIARES IN THE LEGAL POT

BUSINESS, COLORADO'S FIRSTFAMILY OF POT.

>> I AM COORDINATOR OFOPERATIONS.

I DO THE LEAST OUT OF ALL THREEOF US.

( LAUGHS )I BRING LUNCH.

HERE WE GO INTO THE WAREHOUSE, ASITE VERY FEW PEOPLE GET TO SEE.

>> IT'S CRAZY.

I NEVER WOULD HAVE THOUGHT.

MY DAD DIVORCED MY MOM ANDSTARTED GROWING IN OUR BASEMENT,

AND THAT'S WHERE IT ALL STARTED.

>> Stephen: WOW.

SOUNDS LIKE AFTER THE DIVORCE,SOMEONE WENT A LITTLE OVERBOARD

TO MAKE SURE THE KIDS WANTED TOCOME TO THEIR HOUSE ON THE

WEEKEND.

( LAUGHTER )( APPLAUSE )

MOST DADS JUST GET AN X-BOX.

FOLKS, THERE'S A NAME FOR POTPIONEERS LIKE THIS.

>> THEY'RE BEING CALLEDGANJAPRENEURS.

>> GANJAPRENEURS.

>> GANJAPRENEURS.

>> SO-CALLED GANJAPRENEURS.

>> Stephen: YES,GANJAPRENEURS, OR A TOKE-COON,

OR A CAPTAIN OF INDO-WEED.

A WARREN PUFF-ETT.

A WILLIE NELSON ROCKEFELLER.

( APPLAUSE )BESIDES SELLING

SMOKEABLES THERE IS ALSO BIGMONEY IN OTHER THINGS FULL OF

POT LIKE-- MATTHEWMcCONAUGHEY.

NO.

WOODY HARRELSON.

NO, GOOD SHOW, THOUGH.

THE MUNCHIES.

YES.

SPECIFICALLY, MUNCHIES MADE OUTOF MARIJUANA.

BECAUSE THESE DAYS, GETTINGBAKED INVOLVES ACTUAL BAKERIES.

>> THE PRODUCTION OF INFUSEDEDIBLES AND OTHER NONSMOKABLE

PRODUCTS HAS TAKEN OFF.

MAKING UP NEARLY 40% OF ALLRECREATIONAL POT SALES.

AT DENVER'S INCREDIBLES EDIBLES,THEY'RE CRANKING OUT 40,000

MARIJUANA-INFUSED CANDY BARS AMONTH, IN A KITCHEN UNLIKE ANY

WE'D SEEN BEFORE.

BOB ASHINO RUNS THE COMPANY.

TODAY, HIS TEAM IS COOKING UPSTRAWBERRY COUGH CRUNCH BARS.

STRAWBERRIES, WHITE CHOCOLATE,AND 100 MILLIGRAMS OF PURE HASH

OIL IN EACH AND EVERY BAR.

>> Stephen: THANK YOU STONERICON, HARRY SMITH.

GET A HAIRCUT, YOU HIPPIE!

NOW, WITH POT CANDY, YOU DON'TJUST TASTE RAINBOW.

YOU ARE THE RAINBOW.

( LAUGHTER )( APPLAUSE )

FOLKS, IF GUMMY BEARS ANDLOLLIPOPS AREN'T ADULT ENOUGH

FOR YOU, OTHER SHOPS OFFERT.H.C.-LADEN SODA, BEEF JERKY

AND GANJA HOUSE PIZZA.

SO FAR THEY DON'T SELL CRAZYBREAD, BUT YOU CAN BUY GARLIC

PARANOIA KNOTS.

IF YOUR CONSCIENCE DOESN'T ALLOW YOU TO SELL POT, THERE ARE

INDIRECT WAYS TO CASH IN ONCOLORADO'S NEW MARIJUANA CRAZE

LIKE CLEAN URINE SALESMAN.

NO.

SCALPING FISH TICKETS.

GETTING CLOSER.

ROAD TRIP.

>> Stephen: JOIN THE GROWINGFIELD OF MARIJUANA TOURISM.

DENVER IS BECOMING THE NEWAMSTERDAM, ONLY WITH FEWER

AMERICANS.

JIM.

>> SEARCHES FOR ONLINE TRAVELDEALS TO DENVER ARE OUTPACING

ALL OTHER SEARCHES FOR ALL U.S.

DESTINATIONS.

>> A COMPANY CALLED MY 420TOURS, THEY WILL PICK YOU UP AT

THE AIRPORT, CONNECT WITH YOU APOT-FRIENDLY HOTEL.

>> ADDISON MORSE OWNS THIS TOURCOMPANY, COLORADO ROCKY MOUNTAIN

HIGH, AND CAN BARELY KEEP UPWITH THE DEMAND, EVEN AT ABOUT

$300 PER PERSON.

>> TAKE A LOOK AT THIS-- AMARIJUANA SKI BUS, THIS COMPANY

OFFERING TO PICK UP POT TOURISTSD.I.A., AND TAKE THEM STRAIGHT

TO THE SLOPES, WHILE THEY SMOKEON THE RIDE THERE.

>> Stephen: OKAY, HERE'S HOWYOU SPOT PEOPLE WHO HAVE BEEN ON

THE MARIJUANA SKI BUS-- THEY'RETHE ONES SNOWBOARDING.

( LAUGHTER )( APPLAUSE )

THE POINT IS-- THE POINT IS-- ( CHEERS )

DENVER, COLORADO, IS QUICKLYBECOMING AMERICA'S BIGGEST

TOURIST DESTINATION, THOUGH YOURVACATION PHOTOS MAY NEED

SIGNIFICANTLY MORE RED EYEREDUCTION.

BUT, FOLKS THERE'S ONE PROBLEMEVERY SUCCESSFUL

GANJAPRENEUR MUST NOW DEAL WITH.

TAKE YOUR KID TO WORK DAY.

NO.

MEXICAN DRUG LORDS.

>> Stephen: THEY ARETHINSKINNED, BUT NO.

>> MO MONEY, MO PROBLEMS.

>> Stephen: YES, BECAUSE ONCEYOU'VE MADE YOUR STASH FROM YOUR

STASH, WHERE DO YOU STASH IT?

>> FROM COAST TO COAST, BANK ANDCREDIT UNION TRADE GROUPS

ADVISING THEIR MEMBER BANKS TOSTEER CLEAR OF THE MARIJUANA

BUSINESS.

UNDER FEDERAL LAW, MARIJUANA'SNO DIFFERENT THAN HARD-CORE

ILLEGAL DRUGS LIKE HEROIN ANDECSTASY.

>> Stephen: YES, IF BANKERSACCEPT DRUG MONEY, THEY MIGHT GO

TO JAIL.

( LAUGHTER )( APPLAUSE )

WHAT AM I SAYING!

WHAT AM I SAYING!

THAT'S GOT TO BE A TYPO.

WHOEVER WROTE THAT LINE WASHIGH.

( LAUGHTER )WELL, THANKFULLY

SOME BUDNESS OWNERS HAVE FOUND AWORKAROUND.

>> WE BANK WITH COMPANIES WITH ADON'T ASK, DON'T TELL

RELATIONSHIP.

I THINK THEY HAVE A STRONGSUSPICION.

>> Stephen: I HAVE A STRONGSUSPICION, TOO, SINCE I CAN'T

EVEN SEE YOU THROUGH ALL THATDOPE SMOKE.

BUT, FOLKS--( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

HE IS CAREFUL NOT TO MAKE THEBANK TOO SUSPICIOUS.

>> WE TAKE GREAT PAINS TO HELPTHEM IGNORE IT BY, YOU KNOW,

PAYING OUR VENDORS WITH CASH.

WE ALSO FEBREZE THE MONEY SO ITDOESN'T SMELL LIKE MARIJUANA.

( LAUGHTER )( APPLAUSE ).

>> Stephen: YES, THEY FEBREZETHE MONEY.

THEY MIGHT BE ABLE TO GET THESMELL OFF A $100 BILL, BUT

EVERYONE CAN SEE BEN IS BAKEDOUT OF HIS GHORD.

WELL, THAT'S IT FOR TONIGHT'SBEARS AND BALLS.

JOIN US NEXT TIME WHEN WEPROFILE OTHER PEOPLE WHO HAVE

GOTTEN FILTHY RICH PUSHING DRUGSLIKE.

>> PFIZER.

>> Stephen: NO, NO, I MEAN,WHEN I HIGHLIGHT ANOTHER PLACE

BESIEGED BY RAMPANT DRUG ABUSE.

>> MAJOR LEAGUE BASEBALL.

>> Stephen: NO, NO, I MEANPLACES OUTSIDE OF COLORADO WHERE

POT USE IT BOOMING.

>> EVERYWHERE!

>> Stephen: CLOSE ENOUGH.

>> WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).

>> Stephen: WELCOME BACK,EVERYBODY.

THANKS SO MUCH.

NATION, I'M SO GLAD YOU'RE HERE.

I'VE GOT TO GET SOMETHING OFF MYCHEST.

YOU KNOW, IT'S NOT THE FIRSTTIME I'VE SAID THIS, BUT I AM AS

MAD AS A WET HEN.

AND NOT JUST BECAUSE I'M NOTSURE WHAT THAT MEANS.

DOES A HEN HAVE A BURST PIPE INITS COOP.

DID IT SPILL ITS DRINK?

I'M JUST SAYING ONE WOULD THINKAN ANIMAL LIVING IN A DUSTY PEN

WOULD ENJOY A SPLASH OF WATER.

BUT THERE'S NO PLEASING SOMECHICKENS.

THE POINT IS, I'M ANGRY BECAUSEOUR MARXIST-IN-CHIEF HAS

LAUNCHED ANOTHER ATTACK ONAMERICAN BUSINESS.

>> IF YOU'RE MAKING OVER $455 AWEEK YOU DO NOT QUALIFY FOR

OVERTIME.

THE PRESIDENT IS GOING TO CHANGETHE LEVEL WITH HIS EXECUTIVE

ORDER.

SO A LOT MORE PEOPLE WILLQUALIFY FOR OVERTIME.

>> PRESIDENT OBAMA FLEXING MOREEXECUTIVE AUTHORITY.

IS SET TO BYPASS CONGRESS ANDORDER THE LABOR DEPARTMENT TO

INSTITUTE CHANGES IN THERULES GOVERNING OVERTIME PAY

TODAY.

>> Stephen: EMPEROR OBAMA ISISSUING AN EXECUTIVE ORDER

BYPASSING CONGRESS BECAUSE THEYWOULDN'T PASS NEW OVERTIME

RULES.

WHY SHOULD THEY?

THEY NEVER WORK OVERTIME.

OR-- OR TIME FOR THAT MATTER.

( LAUGHTER )( APPLAUSE )

AND I DON'T KNOW WHY HE'S DOINGIT.

THERE IS NO REASON ON GOD'SGREEN EARTH TO DO IT BECAUSE THE

SYSTEM WORKS.

CURRENTLY, YOU CAN SPEND 95% OFTHE TIME SWEEPING FLOORS AND

STOCK SHELVES, BUT IF YOU'RERESPONSIBLE FOR SUPERVISING

PEOPLE 5% OF THE TIME, YOU CANTHEN BE CONSIDERED AN EXECUTIVE

AND BE EXEMPT FROM OVERTIME PAY.

FOLKS, THAT MAKES SENSE TO ME.

EVEN WHEN YOU STOCK SHELVESYOU'RE MANAGING A LOT OF

PEOPLE-- LITTLE DEBBIE, CHEFBOYARDEE, THE LITTLE DOUGHBOY.

THIS IS NOTHING BUT FORCEDINCOME REDISTRIBUTION.

FOR THAT MATTER, INCOME ISFORCED INCOME REDISTRIBUTION.

( LAUGHTER )AND FOX BUSINESS NEWS' NEIL

CAVUTO HAS A WARNING ABOUT THEHIDDEN DANGER OF PAYING PEOPLE

FOR THEIR WORK.

>> BUSINESSES AND REPUBLICANSSAY IT'S OVERKILL.

DOES HE RISK REWARDING THOSE WHODON'T EVEN DESERVE THOSE BUCKS?

>> Stephen: YES, YOU STARTPAYING PEOPLE WHO DON'T DESERVE

IT, AND BEFORE YOU KNOW IT,YOU'VE HIRED NEIL CAVUTO.

( LAUGHTER )( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

SPEAKING OF FOX NEWS, FOLKS, IWANT TO TAKE A MOMENT PRIET NOW

TO GIVE A SHOUT OUT TO THEWINNER OF THE AUCTION FOR BILL

O'REILLY'S MICROWAVE.

ALL THE MONEY FROM THE AUCTIONBENEFITS THE YELLOW RIBBON FUND,

WHICH HELPS INJURED SERVICEMEMBERS AND THEIR FAMILIES.

THE WINNING BID OF $5,400 CAMEFROM

KEVIN MCNAMARA.

THIS IS THE ACTUAL MICROWAVE ISTOLE FROM BILL O'REILLY ALMOST

EIGHT YEARS AGO.

SO, CONGRATULATIONS.

YOU ARE NOT ONLY AN AUCTIONWINNER.

YOU ARE ALSO AN ACCESSORY TO ACRIME.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).

AND DON'T YOU THINK I WON'T RATYOU OUT

A HEARTBEAT TO AVOID THESLAMMER.

I CANNOT GO BACK.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).

KEVIN, YOUR NEW MICROWAVE ISSIGNED BY ME AND RETIRED

FOUR-STAR GENERAL STANLEYMcCHRYSTAL, AN AMERICAN HERO

WHO I CHOSE SPECIFICALLY BECAUSEHE HAPPENED TO BE IN MY STUDIO

THAT DAY.

BUT IT'S ALSO BEEN AUTOGRAPHEDBY SOMEONE WITH THE INITIALS

G.E.

NOT SURE WHO THAT IS.

LET'S SAY GLORIA ESTEFAN.

OH, THAT MICROWAVE BURRITO ISGONNA GET YA.

WHILE I'M AT IT, I'D ALSO LIKETO THANK THE GOOD PEOPLE AT

PILOT PENS WHO GAVE TO THEYELLOW RIBBON FUND A $5,000

CHECK IN EXCHANGE FOR THE PILOTPEN I HAPPENED TO BE HOLDING THE

NIGHT I AUCTIONED OFF THEMICROWAVE.

AND HERE IS, IN FACT, THAT EXACTPILOT PEN, THE HISTORIC PEN

WHICH WE DEFINITELY DID NOT LOSEAND WHICH THIS DEFINITELY IS.

THANK YOU, KEVIN.

THANK YOU, PILOT.

$10,400 GOING TO THE YELLOWRIBBON FUND.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).

>> Stephen: WELCOME BACK,EVERYBODY.

MY GUEST TONIGHT IS AN EMMY-WINNING HISTORIAN WITH A

NEW DOCUMENTARY "THE STORY OFTHE JEWS."

PLEASE WELCOME SIMON SCHAMA.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )SIMON, GOOD TO SEE YOU AGAIN.

NICE TO HAVE YOU BACK.

THIS IS YOUR THIRD TIME HERE.

THIRD TIME'S A CHARM.

>> IT IS.

YOU KEEP ASKING ME BACK.

>> Stephen: THE FIRST TWOTIMES WERE PRETTY CHARMING

ALREADY, SO NO PRESSURE.

FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO MAY NOTKNOW, YOU'RE A PROFESSOR OF ART

HISTORY AND HISTORY AT COLUMBIAUNIVERSITY HERE IN NEW YORK.

YOU'VE WRITTEN AND PRESENTED 40DOCUMENTS FOR THE BBC, PBS, FOR

THE HISTORY CHANNEL, INCLUDINGTHE EMMY AWARD-WINNING "THE

POWER OF ART."

>> YEAH.

>> Stephen: NOW, YOU'VE GOT ATWO-BOOK, FIVE-PART DOCUMENTARY

SERIES CALLED THE STORY OF THEJEWS, WHICH PREMIERES 8:00 P.M.

ON TUESDAY, MARCH 25.

THE BOOK DROPS-->> AND APRIL THE FIRST.

>> Stephen: APRIL THE FIRST?

>> ANOTHER THREE HOURS OF JEWS.

>> Stephen: WOW.

>> YES.

( APPLAUSE ).

>> Stephen: "TONIGHT!

THREE HOURS OF JEWS."

>> IT GETS EVEN BETTER OR WORSE.

YOU HAVE DO A JEW-A-THON.

A MARATHON ON APRIL, FIVEHOURS-- THAT'S TOO MANY JEWS

EVEN FOR ME.

>> Stephen: WOW.

THE BOOK IS CALLED "THE STORY OFTHE JEWS, FINDING THE WORDS,

1,000 B TO 1492."

WHAT HAPPENS IN 1,000 BC, ANDWHAT HAPPENS IN 1492.

WAS COLUMBUS JEWISH?

>> IT'S BEEN RUMORED HE WAS.

A LOT OF THOSE WERE CALLED NEWCHRISTIANS.

>> Stephen: OH, OKAY.

>> THE CONVERTS, ACTUALLY.

>> Stephen: IS THAT THE POLITETHING TO CALL JEWS?

I'LL KEEP THAT IN MIND.

>> YOU'RE A GOOD CATHOLIC BOY.

>> Stephen: I AM.

>> A NEW CHRISTIAN.

SHE HAD A SERPENT ON A BAGEL INHER BACKGROUND.

>> Stephen: SIMON, DO YOUHAVE BAGEL YOUR BACKGROUND?

>> I DO.

>> SO YOU'RE JEWISH?

>> I AM.

>> Stephen: ARE YOU ANOBSERVANT JEW?

>> I GO TO SYNAGOGUE -->> Stephen: THAT FIRST SOUND

WAS YIDDISH.

>> YES, IT WAS.

IT WAS SHIFTISH.

EXACTLY.

I GO TO SYNAGOGUE TO CONFESS MYSINS OF WHICH THERE ARE MANY ON

YOM KIPPUR.

WOULD YOU LIKE TO COME.

>> ABSOLUTELY.

>> YOU'RE ON.

>> Stephen: SO WHAT HAPPENSIN 1,000 B.C.

>> KING DAVID, BASICALLY.

AND IT'S 1,000 BECAUSE ACTUALLYWE KNOW THAT-- THERE IS SOME

ARCHAEOLOGY, ACTUALLY, THAT NOWSUGGESTS THERE REALLY WERE

FORTRESSES.

WE'RE DISCOVERING EARLY HEBREWWRITINGS.

IT'S VERY EXCITING ACTUALLY.

>> Stephen: ONE OF THE MOSTSURPRISING THINGS, I UNDERSTAND

EARLY ARCOLOGICAL EVIDENCE SHOWSTHERE WAS A CERTAIN AMOUNT OF

PAGANISM INVOLVED IN JEWISHLIFE.

>> YES.

>> Stephen: HOW?

ISN'T THE WHOLE THING THATTHEY'RE MONOTHEIST AND INVENTED

THAT.

>> YES, THAT'S ABSOLUTELY TRUE.

GOD IS SUPPOSED TO BE FORMLESS,FACELESS, INVISIBLE.

HE'S NUMBER ONE.

"THOU SHALL HAVE NO OTHER GODBEFORE ME."

MEANING THERE'S A LINE QUEUINGUP, ACTUALLY.

>> Stephen: IT WASN'T THATTHERE WEREN'T OTHER GODS.

IT'S "I'M YOUR STEADY."

>> EXACTLY.

"I'M YOUR STEADY AND I'MACTUALLY SERIOUSLY NUMBER ONE

AND I CAN MAKE THE OTHERSONES GO AWAY IF I WANT TO."

IT'S ONLY WITH-- PALESTINE, THEHOLY LAND, ISRAEL IS FULL OF

THESE LITTLE FIGURINES, SOME OFWHOM REPRESENTED THE WIFE OF GOD

ASHARA.

>> WHAT HAPPENED TO HER?

>> SHE WAS WRITTEN OUT.

>> Stephen: DID THE RABBI GETA DIVORCE.

>> THE FIGURINES-- HAVE YOU EVERSEEN THEM.

>> Stephen: NO.

>> THEY WERE CUTE.

THEY WERE GODDESSES OF THEHEARTH AND THEY ALWAYS ARE WELL

ENDOWED, AND THEY'RE HOLDINGTHEIR ENDOWMENTS.

THERE ARE THOUSANDS OF THESE -->> Stephen: REALLY, SO THERE

ARE LADIES THERE-->> YOU'RE DOING IT EXACTLY

RIGHT.

>> Stephen: SISTERS DOING ITFOR THEMSELVES?

>> EXACTLY.

>> Stephen: WOW.

>> SO THE RABBIS WERE UNEASYWITH THAT.

DD CUP, DOUBLE D CUP-- IT'SABSOLUTELY TRUE.

>> Stephen: WHAT-- I KNOWTHEY STARTED MONOTHEISM AND

WROTE THE BIBLE AND ALL THATGOOD STUFF.

WHAT HAVE THEY DONE FOR MELATELY?

AND I DON'T MEAN-- I DON'T MEANJUST MY WRITERS.

>> JERRY SEINFELD.

>> Stephen: OKAY, BUT THAT'SAFTER 1492.

WHAT ARE GREATEST--( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

IS JUDAISM-- IS IT A RELIGIONOR IS IT A CULTURE.

IF IT'S JUST A CULTURE, I WANTTO DENY MY WRITERS THE ABILITY

TO TAKE OFF THEIR CRAZYHOLIDAYS.

I'M SORRY, TO GET BACK TO THEQUESTION I INTERRUPTED YOU FROM

ANSWERING, IS JUDAISM-->> JEWS COMMUNICATE BY AGREED

MUTUAL INTERRUPTION.

SO NOW, YOU'RE EVEN MORE JEWISHTHAN YOU YOU THINK YOU ARE.

>> Stephen: REALLY?

BY THE TIME THIS IS OVER.

>> YOU'LL BE CIRCUMCISED -->> Stephen: EXACTLY.

MAYBE SO, MAYBE SO.

>> EXACTLY.

>> Stephen: IS IT A CULTURE ORA RELIGION?

>> IT STARTS WITH RELIGION.

IT HAS TO START WITH RELIGION,BUT RELIGION IS KIND OF

ELASTIC.

WHO DRAWS THE PRECISE RULES.

I ONCE GAVE A LECTURE-- WISHYOU'VE BEEN THERE-- ARE LOWKUS

KOSHER."

>> Stephen: ARE THEY?

>> IF YOU READ LEVITICUS, THEYARE CONSIDERED CRUNCHY BIRDS.

SO THE RULES OF THE RELIGION AREKIND OF SQUISHY AND, YOU KNOW,

MOVE AROUND A BIT.

>> Stephen: ARE YOU IMPLYINGTHERE MIGHT BE PARTS OF THE

BIBLE THAT ARE CONTRADICTORY?

( APPLAUSE ).

>> DOES THAT MAKE YOU HAPPY?

>> Stephen: IS THERE ANOTHERBOOK COMING AFTER 1492?

>> THERE IS, THERE IS, VOLUME 2.

>> Stephen: WHAT HAPPENSAFTER 1492?

>> IT FINISHES WITH OURCONVERSATION THIS EVENING.

>> Stephen: REALLY SIMON,SOUNDS LIKE A HIT.

SIMON SCHAMA, "THE STORY OF THEJEWS," THE BOOK, PBS, WALL TO

WALL JEWS. WE'LL BE

( CHEERS ).

>> Stephen: THAT'S IT FOR THEREPORT, EVERYBODY.

WE'LL SEE YOU IN A WEEK.

GOOD NIGHT!

Captioning sponsored by COMEDY CENTRAL

Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH

access.wgbh.org

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