February 20, 2012 - Ann Patchett

  • Episode: 08058
  • (0)

Mitt Romney deploys Donald Trump in Michigan, Rick Santorum attacks environmentalists, and Ann Patchett fights to revive bookstores.

>> Stephen: TONIGHT, HI.

HOW YOU BEEN?

(LAUGHTER)

BEFORE WE START THE

BROADCAST TONIGHT, I JUST

WANT TO ADDRESS MY RECENT

ABSENCE FROM THE NATIONAL

CONVERSATION.

AS THE HUB AROUND WHICH THE

REPUBLIC TURNS, I CAN

UNDERSTAND WHY THE MACHINERY

OF THIS GREAT NATION GROUND

TO A HALT LAST WEEK WHEN YOU

WERE DENIED THIS.

(LAUGHTER)

NOW I'M SURE YOU FELT THE

SAME WAY I DO WHEN I'M IN A

ROOM WITH NO MIRRORS.

(LAUGHTER)

AND FOLKS, THERE WERE SOME

WILD RUMORS ABOUT WHY I WAS

GONE.

THESE ARE ACTUAL RUMORS FROM

THE ACTUAL INTERNET.

SOME PEOPLE SAID THAT MY

SHOW WAS CANCELLED BY THE

FEDERAL COMMUNICATIONS

COMMISSION AT THE REQUEST OF

THE FEDERAL ELECTION

COMMISSION BECAUSE I WAS

ABOUT TO ANNOUNCE MY

PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDACY.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

NOW NOT GOING TO HAPPEN.

OTHERS SAID I WAS CANCELLED

BECAUSE I OFFENDED THE

CATHOLIC CHURCH WHEN I

COMPARED THE POPE'S HAT TO A

GIANT YET STYLISH

PROPHYLACTIC.

(LAUGHTER)

STILL, OTHERS SAID, OTHERS

SAID I WAS IN REHAB, ALWAYS

AN ATTRACTIVE OPTION, IF

THEY HAVE THAT FOR DIET

COKE.

AND ONE PERSON, OR WHATEVER

PART OF THAT ORIGINAL PERSON

HAS NOT BEEN DERMABRAISED

OFF OF JOAN RIVERS SKULL,

ACCUSED ME OF TAKING TIME

OFF TO HAVE PLASTIC SURGERY.

>> I GUESS YOU WATCH STEPHEN

COLBERT BECAUSE HE'S COMING

BACK.

>> OH YES.

>> FINALLY, TONIGHT.

>> HE LEFT FOR MYSTERIOUS

REASON, AT LEAST LAST WEEK

THE REPORT CAME OUT THEY ARE

SUSPENDING THE SHOW

INDEFINITELY AND WE'RE NOT

SAYING WHY.

>> HE HAD A NOSE JOB.

>> DEVELOPED COVER STORES -- --

STORIES WHAT ARE SOME THEM.

>> I'M RESTED.

THAT IS WHAT THEY ALWAYS SAY,

I FELL ASLEEP ON THE

OPERATING TABLE.

>> YOU WATCH STEPHEN IS

GOING TO HAVE NEW EYES.

>> WRONG, JOAN.

(LAUGHTER)

(APPLAUSE)

I DID NOT--

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

I DID NOT HAVE MY EYES DONE

THAT IS RIDICULOUS.

I HAD MY ASS DONE.

THE DOCTORS CRANKED THIS

THING SO HIGH AND TIGHT YOU

CAN BARELY BLINK NOW.

ANYWAY, RUMORS QUELLED.

MOVING ON.

OH, ONE MORE THING.

EVIDENTLY HAVING 11 CHILDREN

MAKES YOU TOUGH AS NAILS.

CONFIDENTIAL TO A LOVELY

LADY.

BUT NOW, FOLKS.

CHORS

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> THERE ARE STILL AS WE ALL

KNOW THERE ARE STILL ENEMIES

OF AMERICA OUT THERE WHO

HAVE HAD A FREE RIDE FOR TOO

LONG.

THAT ENDS TONIGHT.

JUST LIKE EVERY NIGHT.

ARE YOU READY TO GO GET

THESE BASTARDS!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> Stephen: THEN WHAT ARE WE

WAITING FOR.

THIS IS THE

( THEME SONG PLAYING )

>> Stephen: THANK YOU,

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.

STEPHEN, STEPHEN, STEPHEN!

STEPHEN, STEPHEN, STEPHEN!

STEPHEN, STEPHEN, STEPHEN!

STEPHEN, STEPHEN, STEPHEN!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> Stephen: WELCOME TO THE

REPORT.

GOOD TO HAVE YOU WITH US.

NATION F YOU READ THE NEWS

YOU KNOW THAT THE MICHIGAN

PRIMARY IS 1 WEEK FROM

TOMORROW AND ROMNEY CAMPAIGN

HAS MADE IT CLEAR THIS IS

DO-OR-DIE FOR MITT.

THE THING IS EVEN THOUGH

MICHIGAN IS HIS HOME STATE,

ROMNEY TRAILS RICK SANTORUM

BY FOUR POINTS IN THE LATEST

POLLS.

THAT HAS GOT TO BE A SHOCK

FOR MITT.

I MEAN THE WHOLE STATE IS

SHAPED LIKE A HIM.

(LAUGHTER)

UNFORTUNATELY, M ITT IS

BEING DOGGED BY HIS PAST.

>> THE AUTO BAILOUTS ARE

POPULAR IN THE STATE AND THE

STATE'S ECONOMY HAS BEEN

GROWING SINCE THE BAILOUTS

HAPPENED.

>> THIS PUTS GOVERNOR ROMNEY

IN AN AWKWARD POSITION

BECAUSE THREE AND A HALF

YEARS AGO HE WROTE AN

OPINION PIECE IN THE "NEW

YORK TIMES" TITLED LET

DETROIT GO BANKRUPT.

>> Stephen: THAT'S A

COMPLIMENT.

HAVE YOU SEEN DETROIT?

BANKRUPT MIGHT BE AN

IMPROVEMENT.

(LAUGHTER)

NOW SO TO SAVE HIMSELF

ROMNEY'S BRINGING OUT THE

BIG GUNS.

SPECIFICALLY THE BIGGEST,

TANNEST, MOST LEATHERY GUN

OF THEM ALL, BILLIONAIRE,

FORMER CANDIDATE AND CURRENT

CANDIEDIAM DONALD TRUMP.

AND I CAN ASSURE YOU--

(APPLAUSE)

DELICIOUS.

AND I CAN ASSURE YOU THIS

PHOTO HAS NOT BEEN DOCTORED

BECAUSE I WAS THERE WHEN IT

WAS TAKEN.

THAT'S NOT PHOTO SHOP.

THAT'S ACTUAL I'M IN FULL

MAKEUP AND THAT'S WHAT I

LOOK LIKE AND THAT'S WHAT HE

LOOKS LIKE.

WE MET WHEN TRUMP WAS A GUST

ON JIMMY FALLON'S SHOW THE

SAME NIGHT I WAS OVER THERE

LAST WEEK.

EVIDENTLY TO HONOR JIMMY'S

ACE CREAM, THE DONALD CAME

DISGUISED AS SALTED CARAMEL.

AND THE ROMNEY CAMPAIGN IS

MAKING FULL USE OF TRUMP

SENDING HIM ON RADIO

INTERVIEWS ACROSS THE STATE.

TRUMP IS GIVING ROMNEY A

CRITICAL BOOST OF

CREDIBILITY, SERIOUSNESS AND

CLASS.

THE ONLY PROBLEM, THERE IS

ONLY ONE DONALD TO GO AROUND.

NOW YOU MAY RECALL WHEN

TRUMP HAD TO CANCEL HIS

DEBATE I STEPPED UP WITH MY

OWN SERIOUS CLASSY SOUTH

CAROLINA REPUBLICAN DEBATE.

WENT OFF WITHOUT A HITCH.

ALSO, WITHOUT A DEBATE.

WE HAD ANIMAL PLANET NAT GEO

WILD ALL LINED UP BUT DURING

REHEARSAL GWEN IFILL WAS

EATEN BY A PUMA.

THE POINT IS IF TRUMP IS

ROMNEY'S SURROGATE, I HEARBY

VOLUNTEER TO BE ROMNEY'S

SURROGATE SURROGATE.

LET'S DO IT.

JIMMY, TRUMP ME.

(LAUGHTER)

ALL RIGHT, FOLKS.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

LISTEN UP, MITT ROMNEY, I

LOVE THIS MAN.

NUMBER ONE BEST, CLASSIEST

MITT EVER.

BETTER THAN MITT JAGGER.

THE GREATEST PRESIDENTIAL

CANDIDATE OF OUR TIME OR OF

ANY TIME THIS WAS THE

RENAISSANCE HE'S LEONARDO,

HIS RUNNING MATE

MICHELANGELO BUT NO GAY

STUFF.

SPEAK OF WHICH, CELEBRITY

APPRENTICE, NEW SEASON, THE

BEST, YOU HAVE CHERYL TIEGS,

64, STILL PRIMO TAIL.

ARSENIO HALL, WOLF WOLF, LOU

FERRIGNO, ORIGINAL HULK, THE

GREENEST OF ALL HULKS.

A DEAD CIRCUS CHUMP, A PILE

OF LEGOS AND CLAY AIKIN.

VOICE OF AN ANGEL, ONCE IN A

GENERATION TALENT.

I'M GOING TO MAKE HIM SELL

HOGUIES IN A STRIP MALL.

ANYWAY, MICHIGAN, ROMNEY,

DONE.

AND FOLKS, SORRY, JIMMY, CAN

WE DETRUMP ME, PLEASE.

THANK YOU.

FOLKS, THIS CAMPAIGN NEEDS

ME AND DONALD.

BECAUSE IT IS NO SECRET THAT

MITT ROMNEY IS HAVING

TROUBLE CONNECTING WITH THE

AVERAGE AMERICAN.

EVEN THOUGH THEY HAVE SO

MUCH IN COMMON.

FOR INSTANCE THEY BOTH FEEL

AWKWARD AROUND MITT ROMNEY.

IN RECENT PRIMARIES COLORADO,

MINNESOTA AND MISSOURI MITT

GOT HIS ASS HANDED TO HIM BY

RICK SANTORUM WHICH IS

ESPECIALLY IMPRESSIVE

BECAUSE THE ASS IS A BODY

PART NEITHER OF THEM WILL

ADMIT EXISTS.

NOW FORTUNATELY MICHIGAN IS

GOING TO BE DIFFERENT.

MITT WAS BORN THERE HE KNOWS

HOW TO APPEAL TO MICHIGAN

VOTERS.

>> A LITTLE HISTORY.

I WAS BORN AND RAISED HERE.

I LOVE THIS STATE.

IT SEEMS RIGHT HERE.

TREES ARE THE RIGHT HEIGHTS.

I LIKE-- I LIKE SEEING-- I

LIKE SEEING THE LAKES.

I LOVE THE LAKE, JUST

SOMETHING VERY SPECIAL HERE,

THE GREAT LAKES BUT ALSO ALL

THE LITTLE INLAND LAKES THAT

DOT THE PARTS OF MICHIGAN.

I LOVE CARS.

>> Stephen: THOSE ARE TRUE

HUMAN FEELINGS.

EXPRESSED BY A MAN WHO IS

DEFINITELY NOT JUST LISTING

THINGS CAN SEE OUT THE

WINDOW.

AND ROMNEY'S LOVE OF CARS IS

GENUINE AND DEEP.

>> I GREW UP TOTALLY IN LOVE

WITH CARS.

USED TO BE IN THE 50sEE AND

60s IF YOU SHOWED ME ONE

SCARE FOOT OF ALMOST ANY

PART OF A CAR I COULD TELL

YOU WHAT BRAND, THE MODEL

AND SO FORTH.

>> YES, YOU SHOW THAT MAN

ONE SQUARE FOOT OF ANY CAR

AND HE CAN IDENTIFY IT, THEN

STRAP A TERRIFIED DOG TO IT.

I HAVE NEVER--

(APPLAUSE)

HEY, BUDDY, HEY, LITTLE

BUDDY.

I HAVE NEVER HEARD ROMNEY

CONNECT SO VISCERALLY WITH

HIS FELLOW AMERICANS.

MITT WAS POSITIVELY POETIC

TALKING ABOUT MICHIGAN'S

POETIC WONDERS, PLAY THAT

AGAIN.

>> I LIKE SEEING THE LAKES,

I LOVE THE LAKES THERE IS

SOMETHING VERY SPECIAL MERE

HERE, THE GREAT LAKES BUT

ALSO ALL THE LITTLE INLAND

LAKES THAT DOT THE PARTS OF

MICHIGAN.

>> Stephen: YES, EVERYONE

KNOWS ABOUT THE GREAT LAKES

BUT ONLY A LOCAL BOY TRULY

APPRECIATES MICHIGAN'S

MAJESTIC, THE PART.

WE'VE ALL SEEN THE LICENCE

PLATE, MICHIGAN, THE PART

STATE.

AND FOLKS, YOU WILL NOTICE

THAT MITT ROMNEY ADDRESSED

THE MOST IMPORTANT TOPIC TO

MICHIGAN'S UNEMPLOYED, TREE

HEIGHTS.

JIM.

>> I LOVE THIS STATE.

IT SEEMS RIGHT HERE.

TREES ARE THE RIGHT HEIGHTS.

>> Stephen: YES, MICHIGAN IS

VERY PROUD OF THEIR TREE

HEIGHT.

I MEAN LOOK AT THAT MAP EL,

TOTALLY, TOTALLY NAILED IT

HEIGHT WISE.

SHORT ENOUGH TO PUT A TREE

HOUSE IN, YET TALL HUFF

ENOUGH TO HANG YOURSELF WHEN

YOU LOSE YOUR HOME

>> Stephen: WELCOME BACK,

EVERYBODY.

THANK YOU SO MUCH.

NATION.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> Stephen: FOLKS, AS I WAS

SAYING DURING THE COMMERCIAL

BREAK, RICK SANTORUM IS THE

NEW FRONT-RUNNER FOR THE

REPUBLICAN NOMINATION.

LEADING ROMNEY IN THE LATEST

NATIONAL POLL BY 10%.

I WOULD SAY THAT HE'S COME

FROM BEHIND BUT SANTORUM IS

MORALLY OPPOSED TO COMING

FROM BEHIND.

(LAUGHTER)

NOW FOLKS WE NEED A

COMMANDER IN CHIEF WHO KNOWS

THE TRUTH ABOUT THIS GREAT

COUNTRY.

THAT-- WITH SOMETHING ALL

THE TIME.

AND NOBODY SOUNDS THE WAFER

ALARM FOR MORE REASONS THAN

RICK SANTORUM.

CASE IN POINT.

THIS D-DAY LANDING ON

PRESIDENT OBAMA'S HEAD.

>> THE PRESIDENT

SYSTEMICALLY, IS DOING

EVERYTHING HE CAN TO RAISE

THE PRICE OF ENERGY IN THIS

COUNTRY.

>> THAT'S RIGHT.

>> HE'S SHUTTING DOWN ALL

SORTS OF OPPORTUNITIES FOR

US TO DRILL FOR OIL.

THIS IS WHAT THE PRESIDENT'S

AGENDA, IT'S NOT ABOUT YOU.

IT'S NOT BUT.

IT'S NOT ABOUT YOUR QUALITY

OF LIFE.

IT'S NOT ABOUT YOUR JOB.

IT'S ABOUT SOME PHONEY IDEAL,

SOME PHONEY THEOLOGY, NO,

NOT A THEOLOGY BASED ON THE

BIBLE, A DIFFERENT THEOLOGY.

>> Stephen: YES, I AGREE

WITH THAT ONE MAN CLAPPING.

YES.

PRESIDENT OBAMA'S ENERGY

POLICY IS BASED ON A PHONEY

THEOLOGY.

PRESIDENT SANTORUM'S ENERGY

POLICY WOULD BE BASED ON THE

BIBLE.

YOU WANT AN ALTERNATIVE

FUEL?

HOW ABOUT A BURNING BUSH.

BURNS FOREVER, NEVER USES UP

THE WOOD.

NEXT.

NOW SANTORUM HAS TAKEN SOME

HEAT OVER THESE COMMENTS.

HEAT THAT IS NOT DUE TO

GLOBAL WAMING BUT YESTERDAY

RICK WENT ON CBS'S FACE THE

SHIVER TO SET THE RECORD

SCHIFF.

>> SO I HAVE TO ASK YOU WHAT

IN THE WORLD WERE YOU

TALKING ABOUT, SIR.

>> WELL, I WAS TALKING ABOUT

THE RADICAL ENVIRONMENTALIST

THAT IS WHAT I WAS TALKING

ABOUT ENERGY.

THIS IDEA THAT MAN IS HERE

TO SERVE THE EARTH AS

OPPOSED TO HUSBAND ITS

RESOURCE -- RESOURCES AND BE

GOOD STEWARTS OF 9 EARTH.

>> Stephen: YES, GOOD

STEWARTS.

SANTORUM IS TO THE CALLING

FOR WANTON DRILLING.

HE SAYS WE MUST HUSBAND

EARTH'S RESOURCE.

THAT MEANS AS GOOD

CHRISTIANS BEFORE DRILLING,

WE MUST MARY MOTHER EARTH.

THEN WE WILL BE EARTH'S

HUSBAND, ON TOP AS GOD

INTENDED.

RACKING HER GOOD ALL NIGHT

LONG.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> Stephen: UNTIL SHE CAN'T

EVEN STAND STRAIGHT.

(APPLAUSE)

>> Stephen: BUT FOLKS, THE

ENVIRONMENTALISTS AREN'T THE

ONLY WAR WE'RE FIGHTING OT

THERE.

RICK HAS KNOWN SINCE 2008

THAT THERE IS A BIGGER

CONFLICT COMING.

THAT IS WHY HE SAID THIS AT

AVE MARIA UNIVERSITY.

>> THIS IS NOT A POLITICAL

WAR AT ALL.

NOT A CULTURAL WAR AT ALL.

THIS IS A SPIRITUAL WAR.

AND THE FATHER OF LIES HAS

HIS SIGHTS ON WHAT YOU WOULD

THINK THE FATHER OF LIES

SATAN WOULD HAVE HIS SIGHTS

ON.

A GOOD, DECENT, POWERFUL,

INFLUENTIAL COUNTRY.

THE UNITED STATES OF

AMERICA.

IF YOU WERE SATAN, WHO WOULD

YOU ATTACK IN THIS DAY AND

AGE.

THERE IS NO ONE ELSE TO GO

AFTER.

OTHER THAN THE UNITED

STATES.

>> Stephen: THAT'S RIGHT,

FOLKS.

THE ONLY ONE SATAN IS

ATTACKING IS US.

GOD'S FAVORITE COUNTRY.

ALL THE BAD STUFF HAPPENING

IN THE OTHER PARTS OF THE

WORLD, STARVATION, GENOCIDE,

SLAVERY, THAT'S NOT SATAN.

SO IT MUST BE GOD WORKING IN

MYSTERIOUS WAYS THAT WE MUST

NOT QUESTION.

BUT RAISING THE U.S.

MARGINAL TAX RATE ON THE TOP

1%, FOLKS, THAT IS WHY THE

CERTIFICATE PENT GOT INTO

THIS GAME.

SATAN LOVES BIG GOVERNMENT.

I MEAN WHAT WAS THE APPLE

BUT THE ORIGINAL FOOD STAMP.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Stephen: RICK KNOWS, RICK

KNOWS THAT THE FATHER OF

LIES IS COMING FOR US IN ALL

HIS FORMS.

LOSE FERR,

BEELZEBUBUMEPHISTOPHILE, OLD

RICK, OL DONE B BAMA, THAT

IS WHY IF RICK IS PRESIDENT

HE WILL DO WHAT NO OTHER

PRESIDENT HAS HAD THE

COURAGE TO DO, DECLARE WAR

ON HELL.

IT'S SIMPLE.

ALL WE HAVE TO DO IS TAKE

OUR NUCLEAR MISSILE --

MISSILES OUT OF THEIR SILOS

AND PUT THEM BACK IN UPSIDE

DOWN.

RICK IS THE ONLY WHO SEES

THIS.

I FIND IT PRETTY SUSPICIOUS

THAT OBAMA DOES NOT HAVE THE

CONTINGENCY PLAN TO DESTROY

THE CENTER OF THE

>> WELCOME BACK, EVERYBODY.

MY GUEST TONIGHT, AN AWE THR

WHO IS WORKING TO SAVE

INDEPENDENT BOOK STORES.

INDEPENDENT BOOK STORES, I

SHOULD BUY ONE OF THOSE ON

AMAZON.

PLEASE WELCOME ANN PATCHETT.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

HEY, THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR

COMING ON.

>> THANK YOU FOR HAVING ME.

>> Stephen: FIRST LET'S TELL

THE PEOPLE OUT THERE YOU ARE

RATHER IMPRESSIVE CV.

>> PLEASE.

>> Stephen: ARE YOU THE

AUTHOR OF BATT FICTION AND

NONFICTION, INCLUDING VAL

CONTO, STATE OF WONDER, THE

PATIENT SAINT OF WIRES.

YOU WON THE PENN FAULKNER

AWARD FOR VAL CONTO THIS IS

THE SCANDALOUS PART.

YOU ARE THE CO-OWNER OF

PARNASSUS BOOKS IN NASHVILLE,

TENNESSEE.

YOU OPENED THIS UP WIDE.

WHY WOULD A WRITER OPEN A

BOOK STORE.

THAT IS LIKE A RODEO RIDER

OPENING A BUTCHER SHOP.

WHY WOULD YOU, WHY WOULD YOU

DO THAT.

>> BECAUSE THEN I GET THE

ROYALTIES PLUS WHAT I MAKE

AT THE BOOK STORE.

>> Stephen: SO IT'S ALL

ABOUT THE SCRATCH FOR YOU.

>> NO, BECAUSE BOTH OF OUR

BOOK STORES IN NASHVILLE

CLOSED.

WE HAD TWO HUGE BOOK STORES,

BOTH OVER 30,000 SQUARE FEET,

ONE AN INDEPENDENT, ONE A

BORDERS.

THEY BOTH CLOSED.

SUDDENLY I'M LIVING IN A

TOWN WITH NO BOOK STORE.

MY BOOK COMES OUT,

EVERYBODY'S CALLING ME,

WHERE I:I WOULD I YOUR BOOK,

THEY HAD TO GO TO THE ALTARATION

SHOP TO BUY MY BOOK.

>> Stephen: THE ALTERATION

SHOP.

>> THEY OFFERED TO SELL IT

FOR ME.

>> Stephen: REALLY?

>> TRULY.

>> Stephen: YOU PUT A HEM IN

YOUR DRESS AND ALSO GET A

COPY.

>> YOU COULD GO TO STITCH IT,

HAVE YOUR PANTS ALTERnd AND

GET A SIGNED COPY OF STATE

OF WONDER.

>> Stephen: STITCH IT DOES

GOOD WORK.

>> I LOVE THEM.

>> Stephen: WHY OPEN A BOOK

STORE BECAUSE THE MARKET HAS

SPOKEN, THERE WAS NO MARKET

IN YOUR TOWN FOR A BOOK

STORE.

YOU CAN GO TO AMAZON.

>> NO, THERE WAS.

BOTH OF THOSE BOOKS WERE

PROFITABLE.

BOTH OF THOSE STORES WERE

PROFITABLE.

EVERY MONTH THEY WERE OPEN.

THEY CLOSED AT CORPORATE

LEVEL.

SO THEY HAD LARGER ISSUES.

BUT NASHVILLIANS, WE ARE

GOOD BOOK-BUYING, SMART

TOWN.

WE WERE GOING IN AND FILLING

UP MORE THAN 60,000 SQUARE

FEET OF BOOK BUYING NEED

EVERY MONTH.

THEY CLOSED, AND WE ARE A

LITTLE STORE.

2500 SQUARE FEET.

>> Stephen: HAVEN'T WE

ALREADY HAD THIS BATTLE.

IN THE MOVIE YOU'VE GOT

MAIL.

>> YEAH.

>> Stephen: OKAY.

>> I'M MEG RYAN.

>> Stephen: YOU'RE MEG RAY

AN IN THIS.

>> I KNOW.

>> Stephen: AND JEFF BEZOS

OF AMAZON IS TOM HANKS.

>> YEAH.

>> Stephen: AND IN THAT TOM

HANKS CRUSHES MEG RYAN AND

THEN SHE FALLS IN LOVE WITH

HIM.

>> THAT WAS THE 80s.

THIS SI A WHOLE NEWERA.

WE'VE HAD THE CYCLE.

LITTLE BOOK STORES AS WELL T

GETS BIGGER.

CRUSHED BY THE SUPERSTORE,

BARNES & NOBLE BORDERS

CHAINS THEY WERE THEN

CRUSHED BY AMAZON AND NOW

WE'VE CYCLED BACK.

SUDDENLY PEOPLE ARE WAKE UP

AND GOING BUT I WANT TO HAVE

SOMEPLACE TO TAKE MAY KIDS

FOR STORY HOUR ON SATURDAY.

I WANT TO HAVE SOMEPLACE TO

GO TO BOOK CLUB AND SEE AN

AUTHOR READ.

SO THE BOOK STORE IS GONE

BUT THEY MISS IT.

THIS IS THE TALE OF

REDEMPTION.

>> Stephen: IT IS?

>> IT IS.

>> Stephen: OKAY.

>> YES.

>> Stephen: IT COULD BE A

GOOD BOOK.

>> YES, ABSOLUTELY.

>> Stephen: A BOOK.

>> I'LL WRITE IT.

>> Stephen: A BOOK ABOUT

SAVING A BOOK STORE MIGHT

EAT ITSELF.

NOW STORY TIME, BOOK CLUB

WHAT ARE THE THINGS THAT I

CAN GET FROM A LOCAL BOOK

STORE THAT I AM NOT GETTING

FROM SHOPPING ON-LINE.

>> SMART PEOPLE.

WE'VE GOT-- .

>> Stephen: HEY, HEY, WHAT

ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT.

THE INTERNET IS FULL OF

SMART PEOPLE.

>> I MEAN ONES THAT YOU CAN

GO IN AND TALK TO.

WE HAVE SO MANY SMART PEOPLE

WORKING IN OUR STORE.

YOU COME IN, YOU TELL ME

WHAT YOU JUST READ WHAT YOU

LIKED, I WILL TELL YOU WHAT

YOU SHOULD READ NEXT.

>> Stephen: NO, THEY ALREADY

HAVE THAT.

THEY ALREADY HAVE THAT.

>> NO, NO, NO.

>> Stephen: PEOPLE WHO

BOUGHT THIS BOOK ALSO BOUGHT

A SOCKET WRENCH SET.

ONE OF THE RARE KINDS WHEN I

READ BOOKS IT IS SO ESCAPE

SO I DON'T HAVE TO TALK TO

PEOPLE.

>> RIGHT, BUT IF YOU NEVER,

EVER TALK TO PEOPLE AND YOU

MEET ALL OF YOUR NEEDS ON

THE INTERNET YOU WAKE UP ONE

DAY AND YOU ARE THE UNA BOMB

EVER-- BOMBER.

>> Stephen: THAT SAY STRONG

ARGUMENT.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Stephen: BUT YOU

UNDERSTAND THAT I HAVE A

BOOK, I HAVE A COUPLE BOOKS

COMING OUT THIS YEAR.

AND I CAN'T AGREE WITH YOU.

BECAUSE JEFF BEZOS AT AMAZON

IS A VIN DICTIVE MAN.

>> YEAH.

>> Stephen: HE CLUBBED THE

OWNER OF BORDERS TO DEATH.

>> JUST LIKE A BABY SEAL ON

THE ICE FLOE.

>> Stephen: HE DID.

I DID.

>> YEAH.

>> Stephen: AND THE GUY FROM

BARNES & NOBLE HE SLASHED

HIS TIRES.

>> YEAH.

>> Stephen: AREN'T YOU

AFRAID.

YOU'RE AN AUTHOR.

IF YOU TRASH TALK THESE

ON-LINE PEOPLE AREN'T YOU

AFRAID THEY ARE NOT GOING TO

SELL YOUR BOOK.

>> MI SO BENEATH THEIR

NOTICE.

I AM NOT A PEBBLE IN THEIR

SHOE.

>> Stephen: OF COURSE YOU

ARE, YOU ARE ON "THE COLBERT

REPORT."

ARE YOU GETTING THE COLBERT

BUMP.

RIGHT NOW, OKAY.

HERE'S THE BOOK, STATE OF

WONDER.

STATE OF WONDER.

I WANT THIS TO REGISTER ON

AMAZON TOMORROW, OKAY?

WE'RE BUMPING THIS RIGHT NOW.

>> --

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> Stephen: NO I JUST WON.

>> I WANTED TO REGISTER AT

PARNASSUS BOOK.NET WHERE IF

YOU BUY STATE OF WONDER YOU

CAN GET IT SIGNED.

>> Stephen: REALLY?

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> NOW LISTEN THIS IS WHAT I

WANT FROM YOU.

YOUR BOOK COMES OUT, I WANT

TO YOU COME TO NASHVILLE.

YOU CAN SEE YOUR FRINLDS,

JACK WHITE, AL GORE, WE'LL

HAVE A PARTY FOR YOU.

>> Stephen: ALL VERY GOOD

BUDDIES.

WE'LL GO TO PATTERSON HOUSE.

>> ABSOLUTELY.

>> Stephen: HAVE A COCKTAIL.

>> WE'LL GET THE GOAT RODEO

GUYS TO COME AND PLAY AT

YOUR STORE AS A WARMUP.

WILL YOU SIGN.

WILL YOU HAVE SUCH A GREAT

TIME.

THEN THE NEXT WEAK WILL YOU

TAKE YOUR SHARPIE, WILL YOU

GO TO THE WAREHOUSE AT

AMAZON, THEY WILL CUT THE

BOXES OPEN FOR YOU.

YOU CAN SIGN ALL DAY.

YOU SEE WHICH ONE YOU LIKE

BETTER.

>> Stephen: THANK YOU FOR

JOINING US.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> Stephen: ANN'S LATEST

BOOK IS STATE OF WONDER, AS

I SAID, GO PICK IT UP AT

>> Stephen: THAT'S IT FOR

THE REPORT, EVERYBOD

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