February 21, 2012 - Robert Kagan

  • Episode: 08059
  • (0)

Prince Pierre Casiraghi of Monaco sustains a beating, Nancy Pelosi slams Colbert Super PAC, and Robert Kagan examines Iran's potential nuclear threat.

>> Stephen: TONIGHT, MY SUPER

PAC IS UNDER ATTACK FROM

CONGRESS.

IF I CAN HOLD ON FOR JUST FOUR

MORE DAYS, THEIR WORK YEAR WILL

BE OVER.

(LAUGHTER)

THEN, A NEW SPORT TAKES AMERICA

BY STORM AND IT WILL BE REALLY

POPULAR ONCE AN ASIAN GUY IS

GOOD AT IT.

(LAUGHTER)

AND MY GUEST, ROBERT KAGAN,

ADVISES ROMNEY ON FOREIGN

POLICY.

HE HELPS MITT REMEMBER WHICH

COUNTRIES HE HAS BANK ACCOUNTS

IN.

(LAUGHTER)

IT'S FAT TUESDAY-- OR, AS

AMERICANS CALL IT, TUESDAY.

THIS IS "THE COLBERT REPORT."

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE).

>> Stephen: WELCOME TO "THE

REPORT."

THANK YOU FOR JOINING US.

(CROWD CHANTING "STEPHEN").

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

THANK YOU!

THANK YOU STPWH-FRPBLGT THANK

YOU SO MUCH.

YOU KNOW, FOLKS, FOLKS, WHEN YOU

ARE CHANTING MY NAME LIKE THAT,

YOU MAKE ME FEEL LIKE DOROTHY IN

MUNCHKINLAND.

(LAUGHTER)

NATION, I KNOW AMERICA HAS TAKEN

SOME LICKS.

BUT DESPITE PRESIDENT OBAMA'S

BEST EFFORTS TO KEEP US DOWN, WE

ARE NOW OFFICIALLY BACK ON TOP,

BABY!

DOING WHAT WE DO BEST-- PUNCHING

EUROPEAN ROYALTY.

(LAUGHTER)

JIM?

>> THE PRINCE OF MONOCORPS WAS

BRIEFLY HOSPITALIZED AFTER A

BRAWL AT A NEW YORK CITY

NIGHTCLUB.

HE AND HIS PLAYBOY PALS

APPARENTLY GOT A BEATDOWN AT A

CLUB IN THE MEAT PACKING

DISTRICT ON SATURDAY.

>> Stephen: BOOM!

THAT IS RIGHT!

PRETTY BOY, HIS HIGHNESS, GOT

MEAT-PACKED.

(LAUGHTER)

PRINCE CREME BRAWL-EE, HERE, OF

MONACO, MADE THE MISTAKE OF

GETTING IN THE FACE OF

ALL-AMERICAN SUPERDOUCHE ADAM

HOCK SEEN HERE RESTING HIS

PRINCE POUNDER IN A SMACKING

SLING.

(LAUGHTER)

HOCK IS THE FORMER OWNER OF

HAWAIIAN TROPIC ZONE.

THE MAN IS A NATIONAL TREASURE,

A PIONEER IN THE FIELD OF SUN

BLOCK RELATED RESTAURANTS.

(LAUGHTER)

THIS WAS YOUR CLASSIC SHOWDOWN

OF MONEYED FOREIGN PLAYBOY

VERSUS BIKINI RESTAURANT OWNER

AND MR. HOCK HAD NO CHOICE BUT

TO RESPOND AFTER THE PRINCE OF

MONACO AND HIS COURT CROSSED A

LINE BY HELPING THEMSELVES TO

HOCK'S $500 TABLE SERVICE BOTTLE

OF GREY GOOSE VODKA.

FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO AREN'T

FAMILIAR WITH THE NEW YORK CLUB

SCENE, LET A PLAYA EXPLAIN TO

YOU...

(LAUGHTER).

... HOW A BOTTLE OF VODKA YOU

GET IN THE STORE FOR $35 CAN

COST $500.

YOU SEE, THEY BRING IT TO YOUR

TABLE AND IT COSTS $500.

(LAUGHTER)

BOTTOM LINE IS, HOCK WON, OKAY?

HOCK WON!

OUR DOUCHEBAG BEAT UP THEIR

DOUCHEBAG.

DOUCHE.S.A.

DOUCHES.A.!

YES!

THANK YOU, FINDLESS MOB.

(LAUGHTER)

WE HAVE ONCE AGAIN PROVEN THAT

AMERICA HAS THE FINEST

DOUCHEBAGS IN THE WORLD.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

YOU KNOW WHY?

BECAUSE OUR DOUCHEBAGS DON'T

INHERIT THEIR DOUCHEBAGGERY.

IT'S NOT JUST HANDED TO THEM!

THEY EARN EVERY OUNCE OF THE

DOUCHE!

(LAUGHTER)

WHICH IS WHY MR. HOCK DIDN'T

JUST CROWN THE PRINCE, HE ALSO

DECKED HIS THREE PRIVILEGED

PALS.

THAT'S RIGHT, HE FLUSHED THE

ROYAL ENTOURAGE INCLUDING PARIS

HILTON'S EX-BOYFRIEND STAVROS

NIARCHOS, SEEN HERE SHOWING WHY

GREECE HAS COLLAPSED.

(LAUGHTER)

SCENESTER DIEGO MARROQUIN AND--

I'M GOING TO SAY TURTLE.

(LAUGHTER)

SO TAKE NOTICE, ENTITLED

MONARCHIES: AMERICA IS BACK IN

FIGHTING FORM!

YOU MESS WITH US, WE'RE GONNA

MAKE YOU BLACK AND BLUE BLOODS.

UNLESS, OF COURSE, YOU ARE A

SAUDI PRINCE, IN WHICH CASE THE

VODKA IS COMPED, GENTLEMEN,

PLEASE ENJOY

RESPONSIBLY.

(LAUGHTER)

FOLKS...

(AUDIENCE REACTS)

FOLKS, IT SEEMS THESE DAYS

EVERYONE IS TALKING ABOUT SUPER

PAC WHICH, THANKS TO THE SUPREME

COURT'S CITIZENS UNITED RULING,

CAN COLLECT AND SPEND UNLIMITED

MONEY ON POLITICAL ADVERTISING.

AND WHEN OTHER PEOPLE COVER THE

SUPER PAC STORY THAT OFFENDS ME.

BECAUSE I HAVE OWNED THIS STORY

SINCE LAST JUNE WHEN I FORMED

COLBERT SUPER PAC WITH ONE

SIMPLE YET NOBLE GOAL: TO RAISE

MASSIVE AMOUNTS OF MONEY.

AND I DID IT.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

THANK YOU.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

FOLKS, NOW IT SEEMS LIKE

EVERYBODY'S RIDING MY

WALLET-TAILS.

AT LAST COUNT, MORE THAN 320

SUPER PACS HAVE REGISTERED WITH

THE F.E.C.

IT'S NO SURPRISE THEY'RE COPYING

ME, FOLKS, I HAVE ALWAYS BEEN A

TRENDSETTER, EVER SINCE I

SINGLE-HANDEDLY POPULARIZED THE

BELL BOTTOM CROTCH.

(LAUGHTER)

LET'S 'EM DROP.

KEEPS 'EM WARM WHEN THEY'RE

SWINGING.

(LAUGHTER)

BUT, OF COURSE, WHEN YOU'RE KING

(BLEEP) ON MONEY TURD MOUNTAIN

EVERYBODY'S GUNNING FOR YOU.

LIKE MY GUEST TOMORROW HOUSE

MINORITY LEADER AND GLASS EYE

SUPERMODEL NANCY PELOSI.

(LAUGHTER)

SHE JUST RELEASED THIS AD

ATTACKING ME.

>> STEPHEN COLBERT USED TO BE MY

FRIEND, BUT SINCE THE DAY HE

STARTED HIS SUPER PAC TAKING

SECRET MONEY FROM SPECIAL

INTERESTS, HE'S BEEN OUT OF

CONTROL.

EVEN USING HIS SUPER PAC TO

ATTACK MY FRIEND NEWT GINGRICH.

(LAUGHTER)

IF THAT WEREN'T ENOUGH, I HEAR

HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE KITTENS.

(LAUGHTER)

JOIN ME IN STOPPING COLBERT AND

CREATING A NEW POLITICS FREE OF

SPECIAL INTEREST MONEY.

THE FIRST STEP IS PASSING THE

DISCLOSE ACT.

LEARN MORE AT

FACEBOOK.COM/STOPCOLBERT.

(BOOS).

>> Stephen: THAT'S RIGHT,

NANCY PELOSI... BOO!

A LITTLE LATE ON THAT.

NANCY PELOSI ATTACKED ME WITH

THE TWO MOST POWERFUL WEAPONS

IMAGINABLE-- A FLIP CAMERA AND

AN EIGHT-YEAR-OLD NIECE WITH

I-MOVIE.

(LAUGHTER)

BUT, FOLKS, WHAT STINGS IS

PELOSI'S CHARGE THAT I DON'T

LIKE KITTENS.

REALLY?

WOULD SOMEONE WHO DOESN'T LIKE

KITTENS HAVE ONE IN EACH HAND.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

AND, FOLKS, THESE...

(AUDIENCE REACTS)

THESE ARE NO MERE PROPS

PURCHASED RIGHT BEFORE THE SHOW.

(LAUGHTER)

THESE ARE MY BELOVED PETS

WHISKERS AND... AND OTHER

WHISKERS.

(LAUGHTER)

I LOVE THESE TWO LITTLE KITTENS

AND I WILL CONTINUE TO DO SO

UNTIL THE MOMENT THEY BECOME

CATS.

(LAUGHTER)

GO DOWN THERE.

GO DOWN THERE, THERE YOU GO.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

NOW NANCY PELOSI...

(LAUGHTER).

NANCY PELOSI IS SMEARING ME AND

MY SUPER PAC JUST SO SHE CAN

PUSH SHADOWY LEGISLATION CALLED

"THE DISCLOSE ACT" WHICH WOULD

FORCE HELPLESS SUPER PACS LIKE

MINE TO REVEAL THEIR TOP FIVE

DONORS IN EACH AD.

FIVE?

THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE!

I MEAN, NEWT'S PAC ONLY HAS ONE

DONOR.

TAKE AWAY SHELDON ADELSON AND

THE PRO-GINGRICH "WINNING OUR

FUTURE" PAC IS JUST A FEDERALLY

REGISTERED LEMONADE STAND.

BUT IF PELOSI REALLY WANTS

DISCLOSURE, SHE SHOULD GET HELP

FROM HER ANTI-SUPER PAC BUDDY

PRESIDENT OBAMA.

AFTER ALL, IN HIS 2010 STATE OF

THE UNION ADDRESS HE

TONGUE-LASHED THE SUPREME COURT

OVER CITIZENS UNITED AND DOUBLED

DOWN BEFORE THIS YEAR'S SUPER

BOWL.

>> ONE OF THE WORRIES WE HAVE,

OBVIOUSLY, IN THE NEXT CAMPAIGN

IS THAT THERE ARE SO MANY OF

THESE SO-CALLED SUPER PACS,

THERE'S GOING TO BE A LOT OF

MONEY FLOATING AROUND AND I

GUARANTEE YOU A BUNCH OF THAT'S

GOING TO BE NEGATIVE.

BUT IT'S NOT GOING TO BE ENOUGH

JUST TO SAY "THE OTHER GUY'S A

BUM."

>> Stephen: HE'S RIGHT.

IT'S NOT ENOUGH TO SAY THE OTHER

GUY'S A BUM.

YOU HAVE TO DESTROY YOUR

OPPONENT WITH A MOUNTAIN OF ADS

DEPICTING HIM AS A SHADY DRIFTER

RIDING THE RAILS, BURNING THE

CONSTITUTION IN TRASH FIRES FOR

WARMTH AND LEAVING IN HIS WAKE A

TRAIL OF DEAD PROSTITUTES.

(LAUGHTER)

THAT COSTS SERIOUS MONEY.

NOW, THAT ANTI-SUPER PAC J.D.

THERE WAS ON SUPER BOWL SUNDAY.

THIS IS 12 HOURS LATER.

>> FOR THE FIRST TIME PRESIDENT

OBAMA'S REELECTION CAMPAIGN

BEGAN ASKING MAJOR CONTRIBUTORS

TO GIVE MONEY TO A SUPER PAC

THAT SUPPORTS THE PRESIDENT.

>> Stephen: BOY, HE MUST HAVE

LOST A TON OF MONEY ON THE

PATRIOTS.

(LAUGHTER)

BUT THE PRESIDENT HAD A VERY

GOOD EXPLANATION FOR THIS

COMPLETE 180.

>> YOU CHANGED YOUR MIND ON

SUPER PACS.

IT USED TO BE MORALLY WRONG AND

NOW YOU'RE GOING TO TAKE THE

MONEY.

>> I STILL THINK THE CITIZENS

UNITED DECISION MADE BY THE

SUPREME COURT WAS THE WRONG

DECISION.

WHAT I'VE SAID CONSISTENTLY IS

WE'RE NOT GOING TO JUST

UNILATERALLY DISARM.

>> Stephen: YES!

NO MATTER HOW MORALLY WRONG YOU

BELIEVE A SYSTEM IS, YOU HAVE TO

USE IT IN ORDER TO DEFEAT IT!

IT'S LIKE HOW LINCOLN WON THE

CIVIL WAR BY BUYING A BUNCH OF

SLAVES.

(LAUGHTER)

AND, FOLKS, OBAMA IS GOING TO

NEED THAT MONEY IN ORDER TO

FIGHT THE $100 MILLION THE KOCH

BROTHERS AND FRIENDS PLEDGED TO

DEFEAT OBAMA.

INCLUDING $40 MILLION FROM

CHARLES AND $20 MILLION FROM

DAVID.

BECAUSE EVERYONE KNOWS DAVID'S

THE CHEAP ONE.

(LAUGHTER)

WHEN THE CHECK COMES FOR

OVERTHROWING THE GOVERNMENT,

HE'S ALWAYS IN THE BATHROOM.

(LAUGHTER)

SO IN LIGHT OF MR. SMALL DONOR'S

REVERSAL ON SUPER PACS, I HAVE

JUST ONE THING TO SAY.

(LAUGHTER)

WELCOME, YOUNG PAC-WALKER.

FEEL THE POWER OF THE GREEN

SIDE.

EMBRACE YOUR DESTINY.

JOIN ME AND TOGETHER WE WILL

RULE THE GALAXY!

FOR FOUR YEARS, AFTER THAT IT

WILL BE SOMEBODY ELSE, MAYBE

HILLARY.

BUT IN THE MEANTIME, THE GALAXY!

YOU ARE NOW DARTH DARTH-BAMA!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK!

(SCREAMING)

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE).

>> Stephen: WELCOME BACK,

EVERYBODY.

MY GUEST TONIGHT IS THE AUTHOR

OF A NEW BOOK TITLED "THE WORLD

AMERICA MADE."

ALTHOUGH FOR TECH SUPPORT YOU'RE

GOING TO WANT TO CALL INDIA.

(LAUGHTER)

PLEASE WELCOME ROBERT KAGAN.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

HEY MR. KAGAN!

THANKS FOR COMING ON.

>> THANK YOU.

>> Stephen: MAN, I AM SO HAPPY

THAT YOU'RE ON THIS SHOW BECAUSE

YOU'RE A NEOCON, RIGHTING?

>> I GUESS, THAT'S WHAT THEY

TELL ME.

>> Stephen: THAT'S WHAT THEY

TOLD ME ABOUT YOU, TOO.

>> OKAY.

>> Stephen: I MISS YOU GUYS

BECAUSE BACK IN THE EARLY... THE

EARLY 2000s DURING THE BUSH

ADMINISTRATION YOU GUYS WERE

LIKE THE CABBAGE PATCH KIDS, THE

TICKLE ME ELMO.

EVERYONE HAD TO HAVE A NEOCON ON

THEIR TEAM.

IT'S LIKE TALKING TO A

COLLECTOR'S ITEM NOW.

>> THANK YOU.

THANK YOU.

>> Stephen: YOU'RE A WHOLE

BUNCH OF DIFFERENT THINGS.

YOU'RE SENIOR FELLOW AT THE

BROOKINGS INSTITUTION, A

"WASHINGTON POST" COLUMNIST IN.

I'M SURPRISEDDED THAT LIBERAL

RAG LETS YOU WRITE OVER THERE.

YOU'RE A FOREIGN POLICY ADVISOR

TO MITT ROMNEY.

IS THAT AS SEXY AS IT SOUNDS?

(LAUGHTER)

>> I'M VERY HONORED TO BE ABLE

TO WORK AND HELP THE GOVERNOR

ANY WAY I CAN.

>> Stephen: YOU'RE ONE OF 24

GUYS ADVISING HIM ON FOREIGN

POLICY.

>> AT LEAST.

>> Stephen: BUT YOU'RE THE

BEST ONE, RIGHT?

>> I'M SURE THAT'S NOT THE CASE,

NO.

>> Stephen: COME ON!

COME ON!

ALL RIGHT YOU'VE GOT A BOOK

CALLED "THE WORLD AMERICA MADE."

WHAT IS THE WORLD AMERICA MADE?

>> WELL, IT'S THE WORLD ORDER

THAT WAS THE UNITED STATES WITH

ITS INFLUENCE AFTER WORLD WAR II

CREATED.

IT'S A LIBERAL INTERNATIONAL

ECONOMIC ORDER OF FREE AND OPEN

MARKETS.

IT'S A WORLD INCREASINGLY

DEMOCRATIC.

BEFORE WORLD WAR I THERE ARE TEN

DEMOCRACIES IN THE WORLD.

TODAY THERE ARE 115.

>> Stephen: WE DID THAT.

>> WE DID DO THAT.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> Stephen: APPLAUDING FOR THE

UNITED STATES.

NICE THING TO DO.

NOW THERE WERE TEN DEMOCRACIES

BEFORE THE WAR, THERE ARE 115

NOW.

DO WE GET A PIECE OF THAT

ACTION?

(LAUGHTER)

BECAUSE ROYALTIES OR ANYTHING?

BECAUSE IT'S OUR IDEA.

>> WE DIRECTLY BENEFIT FROM IT.

THERE'S NO QUESTION THAT WE ARE

A GREAT BENEFICIARY OF IT.

WE DON'T HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT

GOING TO WAR WITH DEMOCRACIES,

DEMOCRACIES ARE CLOSE ALLIES,

THEY SHARE OUR VALUES AND THEY

ARE GENERALLY VERY SUCCESSFUL

ECONOMICALLY AND HELP US IN THAT

REGARD.

>> Stephen: YOU WERE IN FAVOR

OF THE WAR IN IRAQ, RIGHT?

>> I WAS, AS WERE MANY PEOPLE.

>> Stephen: RIGHT UP HERE, BAN

BY DOLL.

HOW ABOUT IRAN?

DO WE GO IN THERE OR LET THE

ISRAELIS HAND THAT WILL ONE?

>> WELL, I DON'T WANT TO LET THE

ISRAELIS HANDLE THAT.

I DON'T THINK THEY HAVE THE

CAPACITY TO DO IT.

>> Stephen: DO NOT COUNT OUT

MY JEWISH FRIENDS.

(LAUGHTER)

THEY ARE VERY CARABLE PEOPLE.

DO NOT CROSS THEM.

>> OKAY, WELL, THEY HAVE LIMITED

MILITARY CAPACITY TO DO THAT

PARTICULAR JOB.

BUT I THINK RIGHT NOW IRAN IS

ISOLATED.

>> Stephen: WE'VE GOT TO USE

OUR MILITARY POWER TO KEEP THEM

FROM GETTING A BOMB.

YES OR NO?

>> I THINK IT COULD WELCOME TO

COME TO THAT.

>> Stephen: COULD WELL?

GROW A PAIR!

>> (LAUGHS).

>> Stephen: DO WE GO IN?

THIS AIN'T TIDDLEDY WINKS, THIS

IS NUCLEAR TIDDLEDY WINKS.

>> I WOULD LIKE TO SEE IF THE

SANCTIONS WILL WORK IN GETS THEM

TO CHANGE THEIR MINDS BEFORE WE

ARRIVE AT THAT DECISION.

IT'S A VERY COMPLICATED AFFAIR.

>> Stephen: WE CAN'T HAVE

NUCLEAR WEAPONS IN THE MIDDLE

EAST, RIGHT?

>> WELL, THERE ARE NUCLEAR

WEAPONS IN THE MIDDLE EAST.

>> Stephen: NO THERE ARE NOT.

WHERE?

>> WELL, I'M TOLD THAT ISRAEL

HAS...

>> Stephen: SHH!

I CAN NAY!

ON THE OMB-AY.

THAT'S THE ONLY HEBREW I KNOW.

>> IMPRESSIVE.

>> Stephen: IS THE YOUTH OF

MILITARY POWER IN AN ELECTED

WAY, IS THAT A FOREIGN POLICY

TOOL OR IS THAT A FOREIGN POLICY

FAILURE?

>> SOMETIMES IT'S A FAILURE AND

SOMETIMES IT'S A TOOL.

I THINK WHEN WE'RE DEALING WITH

WILL IT'S QADDAFI, THE THAT

PRESIDENT OBAMA DECIDED TO USE

MILITARY FORCE TO DESTROY

QADDAFI BECAUSE HE WAS ABOUT TO

KILL TENS OF THOUSANDS IF NOT

MORE PEOPLE.

>> Stephen: YOU'RE NOT GIVING

CREDIT TO OBAMA FOR ANYTHING

VERY R YOU?

>> I DO.

>> Stephen: HOW CAN YOU ADVISE

ROMNEY AND LIKE ANYTHING OBAMA

DID?

(LAUGHTER)

>> I THINK WHEN THE PRESIDENT

DOES THE RIGHT THING IT DOESN'T

MATTER WHAT PARTY YOU'RE IN.

>> Stephen: BUT THE PRESIDENT

HAS DONE NOTHING RIGHT IN

FOREIGN POLICY, OKAY?

(LAUGHTER)

BIN LADEN?

DOESN'T COUNT.

(LAUGHTER)

KILLING AL-AWLAKI DOESN'T COUNT.

QADDAFI DOESN'T COUNT.

SUPPORTING THE ARAB SPRING

DOESN'T COUNT.

SO WHAT ELSE HAS HE DONE.

(LAUGHTER)

>> HE'S DONE SOME THINGS WRONG

H. HE HAS A GOOD POLICY IN AREA,

PARTICULARLY IN DEALING WITH

CHINA.

I THINK HE'S STRENGTHENED OUR

POSITION IN ASIA WITH OUR

ALLIES.

ON SOME ISSUES HE'S BEEN A LOT

WEAKER.

ON IRAN I THINK HE WILL BE

JUDGED ULTIMATELY BY WHAT

HAPPENS WITH IRAN.

>> Stephen: WHAT DO YOU THINK

IS GOING TO HAPPEN BETWEEN THE

UNITED STATES AND MONOMONACO

NOW?

>> AFTER THE BEATDOWN?

>> AFTER THE BEAT DONE THAT HOCK

GAVE TO PRINCESS WHAT'S HIS

PANTS.

(LAUGHTER)

>> THIS IS ONE OF THE GREAT

THINGS ABOUT BEING A STRONG

POWER.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT MONACO CAN DO

ABOUT IT.

>> Stephen: DO THEY HAVE

NUKES?

>> NOT THAT THEY'VE

ACKNOWLEDGED.

>> Stephen: MUCH LIKE ISRAEL.

(LAUGHTER)

WELL, THANK YOU SO MUCH.

ROBERT KAGAN.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

THE BOOK IS "THE WORLD AMERICA

MADE."

YOU'RE WELCOME, WORLD.

WE MADE YOU.

WE'LL BE RIGHT

>> Stephen: THAT'S IT FOR "THE

REPORT," EVERYBODY.

GOOD NIGHT!

(SCREAMING MANIACA

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