October 29, 2013 - Billy Collins

  • Episode: 10014
  • (0)

Americans resort to harvesting their bodies, and Billy Collins talks about his book, "Aimless Love."

>> TONIGHT, CERTAIN AMERICANSFIND A NEW SOURCE OF INCOME, DID

YOU KNOW THE PAWNSHOP WILL ALSOACCEPT YOUR NEIGHBOR'S BIKE?

THEN WHEN IS IT OKAY TOPLAGIARIZE OTHER PEOPLE'S WORK?

QUOTH THE RAVEN, NEVERMORE.

AND MY GUEST TONIGHT IS FORMERTWO TERM POET LAUREATE OF THE

UNITED STATES, BILLY COLLINS.

I WILL ASK HIM IF HE'S MET THATGUY FROM NANTUCKET.

THE JONAS BROTHERS HAVEANNOUNCED THEY ARE BREAKING UP.

YOKO!

>> THIS IS THE

( THEME SONG PLAYING )( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]>> Colbert: WELCOME TO THE

REPORT.

THANK YOU FOR JOINING US.

>> LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THANKYOU SO MUCH FOR JOINING US.

IN THERE, OUT THERE.

ALL OVER THE WORLD!

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]>> Colbert: THANK YOU.

THANK YOU, FOLKS.

I MEAN THIS SINCERELY.

I WANT TO SEND OUT A GREETING TOALL OF THE CANADIANS OUT THERE

WAITING FOR SURGERY.

PLEASE TAKE A NUMBER.

PLEASE TAKE A NUMBER AND BITE ONA STICK OR SOMETHING.

WHATEVER.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU DO.

FOLKS, YOU KNOW, IF YOU WATCHTHIS SHOW AND WATCHED FROM THE

BEGINNING AND I HOPE YOU HAVE,YOU KNOW I DO THIS SHOW FOR ONE

REASON AND ONE REASON ONLY, TOROCKET PROPEL GRENADES OF TRUTH

DOWN YOUR MIND THROAT NIGHTAFTER NIGHT.

OKAY? THAT'S FOR YOU.

BUT SOMETIMES THERE ARE A FEWPERKS FOR ME.

MAYBE I WILL MENTION A PRODUCTON THE AIR AND SAY, YOU KNOW,

SOMETHING ABOUT THE REFRESHINGTASTE OF BUD LIGHT LIME.

AND, AND, AND, EVEN THOUGH ITWAS SIMPLY IN THE COURSE OF

REPORTING HARD NEWS, THE MAKERSSEND ME A CASE TO THIS OFFICE TO

TRY TO BRIBE ME INTO DOING ITAGAIN.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]>> Colbert: NOT GOING TO WORK,

GUYS.

KEEP TRYING.

NOW, LAST WEEK, I BROUGHT THEHAMMER DOWN ON A GODLESS NEW

TOMATO-POTATO HYBRID PLANT, ANDMY ANGLE WENT A LITTLE SOMETHING

LIKE THIS.

>> A VEGETABLE SHOULD NOT BEMATING WITH OTHER SPECIES,

SPECIES, IT IS ADAM AND EVE, NOTADAM AND ENDIVE.

>> I KNOW, STRONG WORDS BUT IFIGURED THE MOST THAT WOULD

HAPPEN IS THE BLOGS WOULD LIGHTUP AND I WOULD WIN ANOTHER

PEABODY.

BUT OUT OF NOWHERE, THISMORNING, I RECEIVED THIS ACTUAL

LETTER FROM RICH COLLINSPRESIDENT OF THE CALIFORNIA

ENDIVE FARMS.

AMERICA'S ONLY ENDIVE GROWER ANDIT READS, DEAR STEPHEN, I JUST

WANTED TO SHARE HOW MUCH IAPPRECIATE YOUR INSISTENCE ON

GETTING THE PRONUNCIATION OFENDIVE RIGHT.

AND, AND --[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

>> Colbert: THE LETTER CAMEWITH THIS ACTUAL BOX OF ENDIVE.

ALL RIGHT.

>> THAT'S RIGHT! FREE ENDIVEMOTHER (BLEEP)! MAKE IT RAIN!

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]>> OH, SUCK IT UP, SUCK IT UP!

SO, THANK YOU.

THANK YOU.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]>> Colbert: THANK YOU,

CALIFORNIA ENDIVE FARMS.

AND IN LIGHT OF THIS GENEROUSATTEMPT AT PAYOLA, I WOULD ALSO

LIKE TO MENTION IT IS ADAM ANDEVE, NOT ADAM AND TESLA MODEL S

IN METALLIC BLUE WITH PIANOBLACK INTERIOR AND 21-INCH TIRE

UPGRADE.

>> IT HAS BEEN FIVE YEARS SINCEAMERICA WAS DRIVEN TO FINANCIAL

UIN BY, WELL, WHO CAN REMEMBER? ALL RIGHT.

LET'S JUST SAY IT WAS OBAMA.

PULL UP THE PRESIDENT SMILING INFRONT OF A POOR FAMILY.

YES.

THAT FEELS RIGHT.

THE POINT IS, IT WASN'T THEBANKS.

NOW, A LOT OF PEOPLE LOST THEIRSAVINGS AND HAVE HAD TO PAY FOR

THEIR RETIREMENT WITH THINGSLIKE REVERSE MORTGAGES WHERE IN

EXCHANGE FOR CASH NOW, FREDTHOMPSON GETS YOUR HOME WHEN YOU

DIE.

AND AS FAR AS I AM AWARE, HE ISNOT LEGALLY ALLOWED TO KILL YOU

TO GET IT SOONER.

THANK YOU, ELIZABETH WARREN.

SO TIMES ARE TOUGH, IT IS TRUEBUT NOW WE HAVE BOUNCED BACK, IF

BY "WE" I DON'T MEAN YOU, ANDGENERALLY I DON'T, BECAUSE SINCE

2009, 95 PERCENT OF INCOME GAINSHAVE GONE TO THE TOP

ONE PERCENT.

SO THAT IS JUST WRONG.

THE ONE PERCENT SHOULD GET99 PERCENT.

THAT ADDS UP TO 100.

WHERE IS THE MISSINGFOUR PERCENT? I BET THE POOR

TOOK IT, YOU KNOW THEY STEAL.

YOU KNOW, FOLKS, WE KNOW THEREARE MORE TAKERS EVERY DAY.

MATCHERS, WHO ARE MAKING OFF OFUS MAKERS.

>> 60 MILLIONS ARE DEPENDENT ONSOCIAL SECURITY.

>> ONE OUT OF EVERY SEVENAMERICANS RECEIVE FOOD STAMPS.

>> IT HAS GONE UP11,000 PERCENT.

>> I AM CONCERNED.

>> YES, ENTITLEMENTS ARENARCOTICS.

YOU HAVE GOT FOOD STAMP JUNKIESRIDING THE MEAL PONY TWO OR

THREE TIMES A DAY.

SOMETIMES THE FIRST THING THEYDO IN THE MORNING IS WAKE AND

BAKE.

BUT THERE IS A WAY, THERE IS ATRIED AND TRUE WAY FOR THE

MOOCHERS TO PAY THE BILLSWITHOUT LOOKING FOR A HANDOUT

AND IT IS THE SUBJECT OFTONIGHT'S WORD.

.. FOLKS, WHEN WE DO GET THISCOUNTRY BACK ON ITS FEET, YOU

WILL BE THANKFUL INDUSTRIOUSAMERICANS LIKE 35-YEAR-OLD

ATLANTA MOTHER OF TWO, APRILHARE, AFTER LOSING HER JOB AS A

SALES MANAGER AND FACINGEVICTION, APRIL POSTED PICTURES

OF HER 18-INCH LONG AUBURN HAIRON BUY AND SELL HAIR.COM.

THE APRIL AD ASKS FOR $1,000,AND WITHIN HOURS RECEIVED A

FLOOD OF OFFERS.

NOW, FOLKS, I HAVE NO IDEA, IHAVE NO IDEA WHO OUT THERE PAID

SO MUCH FOR LONG AUBURN HAIRALTHOUGH I HAVE NOTICED

SOMETHING DIFFERENT ABOUT JIMCRAMER LATELY.

>> APRIL, APRIL IS PART OF AGROWING NEW TREND OF CASH

STRAPPED AMERICANS MAKING ENDSMEET BY SELLING THEIR HAIR,

BREAST MILK AND EGGS.

>> FOLKS, THIS IS GOODOLD-FASHIONED SELF-RELIANCE.

I SAY WHY SUCKLE AT UNCLE SAM'STEAT WHEN YOU CAN SUCK ON YOUR

OWN TEAT.

AND WE IN THE TOP ONE PERCENTARE ROLLING IN THE DOUGH, IT IS

NOTHING FOR US TO PAY UP TO $5AN OUNCE FOR YOUR BREAST MILK

AND $7,000 FOR YOUR EGGS.

AND IF YOU ARE EVICTED YOU CANLABEL THEM FREE RANGE.

AND MORE AND MORE PEOPLE, FOLKS,MORE AND MORE PEOPLE WANT TO GET

IN ON THE ACTION.

IN FACT, WHEN YOU GOOGLE I WANTTO SELL MY -- ONE OF THE TOP

SUGGESTIONS IS KIDNEYS.

BUT, OF COURSE, BIG GOVERNMENTIS KEEPING SELF MOTIVATED

AMERICANS FROM STRIPPINGTHEMSELVES FOR PARTS LIKE A

STOLEN CAMARO.

BECAUSE EVEN THOUGH, EVEN THOUGHIT CAN FETCH $15,000 ON THE

BLACK MARKET, IT IS ILLEGAL TOSELL A KIDNEY.

I MEAN, JUST THINK ABOUT IT.

$15,000 IS ENOUGH TO TAKE A FEWMONTHS OFF WORK, WHICH YOU WILL

NEED TO RECOVER FROM ANUNLICENSED STRANGER OPERATING ON

YOU WITH AN EXACTO KNIFE ANDBARBECUE TONGS.

NOW, BETTER YET, BETTER YET, WHYNOT MAKE 40 GRAND AND SELL BOTH

KIDNEYS.

IF YOU INSIST ON FILTERING YOURBLOOD, JUST JAM A COUPLE OF

BRITA FILTERS IN THERE.

NOW, REMEMBER, IT IS ALL TO MAKESURE YOU CAN SUPPORT YOURSELF IN

YOUR RETIREMENT, DURING WHICHYOU WILL NOT BE RETIRED,

BECAUSE, ACCORDING TO A NEWSURVEY A GROWING PERCENTAGE OF

MIDDLE INCOME AMERICANS SAY THEYWILL HAVE TO WORK UNTIL THEY DIE

WHICH OF COURSE WILL MAKE THISVERY DISTURBING WAL-MART

GREETERS.

NOW, FOLKS, PERSONALLY, I DON'TTHINK AMERICANS WORKING UNTIL

THEY ARE DEAD IS RIGHT.

CAN'T THEY WORK UNTIL AFTER THEYARE DEAD? I MEAN, IF PEOPLE --

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]>> Colbert: IF PEOPLE OUT

THERE -- THINK ABOUT THIS,FOLKS, IF PEOPLE PAID THAT MUCH

FOR KIDNEYS, THAT MEANSAMERICANS HAVE A LOT OF EQUITY

IN THEIR GUT.

SO WHY NOT, WHY NOT CONSIDER AREVERSE MORTGAGE ON YOUR ENTIRE

BODY.

WE IN THE ONE PERCENT WILL GIVEYOU POOR PEOPLE GUARANTEED

MONTHLY PAYMENTS IN EXCHANGE FORFIRST DIBS ON YOUR VITAL ORGANS

WHEN YOU KICK IT.

YOU WILL GET CASH NOW AND WEWILL EVEN LET YOU STAY IN YOUR

BODY UNTIL YOU DIE.

JUST MAKE SURE -- JUST MAKE SUREYOU MAINTAIN THE VALUE OF THE

PROPERTY, BECAUSE IF YOU DON'TTAKE CARE OF THAT TICKER, I

MIGHT HAVE TO REPOSSESS IT.

SO, PLEASE, AVOID STRESS WHILEWORKING YOUR TWO JOBS AND

HARVESTING YOUR HAIR TO PAY THERENT.

I DON'T KNOW, MAYBE GET AMASSAGE.

BECAUSE, FOLKS, THIS COUNTRYWILL ONLY BE GREAT AGAIN IF

AVERAGE AMERICANS STOP ASKINGFOR HANDOUTS AND PULL THEMSELVES

UP BY THEIR OWN BOOT STRAPS.

BY WHICH I MEAN SELLING THEIRACHILLES' TENDONS, BECAUSE I

TORE MINE PLAYING SQUASH.

AND THAT IS THE WORD.

WE WILL BE RIGHT BACK.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]>>

>> Colbert: THANK YOU, LADIESAND GENTLEMEN.

THANK YOU SO MUCH.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]>> Colbert: THANK YOU.

YOU KNOW, LIKE ALL AMERICANS,RIGHT NOW I AM OBSESSED WITH ONE

THING, THE VIRGINIAGUBERNATORIAL RACE BETWEEN

REPUBLICAN ANNE CUCCINELLI ANDDEMOCRAT TERRY MCAULIFFE, THIS

FOLKS IS THE BIGGEST BATTLE INVIRGINIA SINCE THE REVOLUTIONARY

WAR, WHICH OF COURSE IS STILLBEING FOUGHT IN WILLIAMSBURG.

WHEN WILL THE REDCOATSSURRENDER? AND FOLKS I HAVE TO

TELL YOU I AM WORRIED ABOUT THECUCCI BECAUSE A RECENT POLL HAS

HIM TRAILING TERRY MCAULIFFE BYDOUBLE DIGITS, APPARENTLY

CUCCINELLI'S MESSAGE ABOUT LAWON ORAL SEX IS NOT GOING OVER

WELL WITH THE VIRGINIA VOTERS,MANY OF WHOM EVIDENTLY HAVE

GENITALS.

SO, WITH JUST ONE WEEK TO GOBEFORE ELECTION DAY, CUCCINELLI

HIT THE CAMPAIGN TRAIL WITHKENTUCKY SENATOR RAND, RAND PAUL

WHO EXPRESSED HER PRO CHOICEVIEWS AND WHAT IT WOULD AFFECT

THE FUTURE.

>>>> THAT IS IRREFUTABLE, FOLKS,

WHAT HE IS SAYING, THAT ISIRREFUTABLE SCIENTIFIC EVIDENCE

THAT MCAULIFFE PRO-CHOICEPOLICIES WILL LEAD TO AN ETHAN

HAWKE MOVIE.

>> DO WE WANT THAT? WITH MSNBCTHE RAVEN CHEL MAD DOW FOUND

FAULT WITH RAND PAUL'S RESEARCHMETHODOLOGY.

>> THE WEIRD THING ABOUT THATLINE FROM SENATOR PAUL'S SPEECH

TODAY IN THE NOT TOO DISTANTFUTURE YOU JAN KNICKS IS COMMON

IS THAT LINE APPEARS ALMOSTVERBATIM IN THE WIKIPEDIA ENTRY

ON "GATTACA".

>> ABOUT THE FUTURE, WHEREEUGENICS IS COMMON AND DNA PLAYS

A CENTRAL ROLE IN DETERMININGYOUR ROLE IN SOCIETY.

>> OH, OH JUST BECAUSE HE ANDWIKIPEDIA USED THE SAME WORDS

RAND PAUL IS A PLAGIARIST? YOUDON'T KNOW THAT.

MAYBE RAND PAUL WROTE THEWIKIPEDIA ENTRY ON "GATTACA".

I MEAN, TO BE SAFE, I DON'T KNOWWHAT ELSE THEY DO IN THE SENATE.

AND HOW DARE, HOW DARE RACHELMAD DOW YOU BESMIRCH THIS MAN'S

GOOD NAME.

RAND PAUL IS NOT A PLAGIARIST.

HE IS THE JUNIOR UNITED STATESSENATOR FOR KENTUCKY.

HE IS A MEMBER OF THE REPUBLICANPARTY, A GRADUATE OF THE DUKE

UNIVERSITY SCHOOL OF MEDICINE,HE BEGAN PRACTICING

OPHTHALMOLOGY IN BOWLING GREEN,KENTUCKY.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]>> Colbert: OPHTHALMOLOGY IS A

BRANCH OF MEDICINE THAT DEALSWITH THE ANATOMY, PHYSIOLOGY AND

DISEASES OF THE EYE.

THE INDIAN SURGEON SUSHRUTASAMHITA WROTE IN ABOUT 800 BC

ABOUT 76 OCULAR DISEASES AS WELLAS SEVERAL OPHTHALMOLOGICAL

SURGICAL INSTRUMENTS ANDTECHNIQUES.

SO SHOW A LITTLE BIT OF RESPECT,RACHEL MAD DOW.

WHO IN THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOUARE? AND AMERICAN TELEVISION

HOST POLITICAL COMMENTARY ANDAUTHOR?

>> WE WILL BE RIGHT

>> Colbert: WELCOME BACK,EVERYBODY.

MY GUEST TONIGHT, A TWO TERMPOET LAUREATE OF THE UNITED

STATES.

I WILL ASK HIM IF HE EVER SPIEDON GERMANY'S POET LAUREATE.

PLEASE WELCOME BILLY COLLINS.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]>> THANK YOU, THANK YOU VERY

MUCH.

>> GOOD TO SEE YOU.

>> YOU ARE WEARING A TIE.

THAT IS VERY -- OF YOU.

>> DISTINGUISHED.

>> DISTINGUISHED.

>> Colbert: WHATEVER.

>> YOU ARE THE POET, YOU ARE THEPOET, YOU ARE THE WORD SMITH.

>> THAT'S ME.

>> Colbert: TWO TERM POETLAUREATE OF THE UNITED STATES.

HOW DO YOU GET THAT GIG?

>> WELL, YOU GET A CALL FROM THELIBRARIAN OF CONGRESS AND IT HAS

NOTHING TO DO WITH THE WHITEHOUSE, WAY WANT TO MAKE THAT

CLEAR.

NOTHING TO DO WITH THE WHITEHOUSE.

>> Colbert: SO OBAMA SAYS.

OBAMA HAD NO AWARENESS YOU WERETHE POET LAUREATE, HE FOUND OUT

BY WATCHING THIS SHOW.

>> A COUPLE OF PRESIDENTS, ITWAS STARTED BY W.

>> Colbert: SO YOU ARE ONE OFTHE GOOD ONES.

YOU GO WITH THAT BOAT TRI.

NOW, I DON'T WANT TO START ACOMPETITION HERE BUT I ALSO HAD

ROBERT PINSKY A FEW TIMES WHOWAS THREE-TIME POET LAUREATE OF

THE UNITED STATES.

I AM KIND OF SLUMMING RIGHT NOW.

>> NOW YOU HAVE GOT A NEWCOLLECTION OF POETRY HERE CALLED

AIM LESS LOVE, NEW AND SELECTEDPOEMS.

BEFORE WE ACTUALLY GET INTO THENITTY-GRITTY, YOU HAVE BEEN

CALLED THE MOST POPULAR POET INAMERICA.

DOES THAT HURT?

>> WELL -->> Colbert: YOU KNOW WHAT I

MEAN.

>> IT IS GOOD FOR MYSELF-ESTEEM.

>> Colbert: AREN'T THE BESTPHOTOS THE ONES NOBODY READS AND

THEY DIE OF CONSUMPTION AT 25?

>> KEATS WAS A GREAT POET.

>> HE WAS NOT POPULAR IN HISTIME, THEY SAY HE DIED OF A BAD

REVIEW.

>> Colbert: ANYWAY.

>> ANYWAY, I THINK A HAPPY POETDOESN'T HAVE TO BE -- IT IS HARD

TO ACCOUNT FOR YOUR OWNPOPULARITY AND ONE IS I DON'T

DRAG PEOPLE INTO MY WORLD OFPERSONAL MISERY, I AM NOT AN

AUTOBIOGRAPHICAL POET.

>> Colbert: REALLY?

>> REALLY.

>> Colbert: SO IT IS ABOUT.

>> IT IS ABOUT WHAT MY PERSONAIS SAYING THESE WORDS.

IT IS NOT EXACTLY ME.

IT IS SORT OF AN IMPROVEMENT ONME.

>> Colbert: SO IT IS NOTEXACTLY YOU.

IT IS SOMEONE WITH YOUR SAMENAME BUT --

>> I UNDERSTAND THAT.

>> HE DOESN'T HAVE A JOFNLT HEDOESN'T TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE.

>> Colbert: DO YOU HAVE A JOB?

>> I HAVE A JOB.

>> Colbert: WHAT IS THE JOB OFTHE POET LAUREATE? WHAT ARE THE

ACTUAL RESPONSIBILITIES?

>> WELL, YOU DON'T HAVE TO WRITEWHAT THE BRITISH -- THE POEMS,

WHAT THE BRITISH POET LAUREATEDOES AND THE POET, THE POEM POET

LAUREATE WE BORROWED THAT FROMTHE BRITISH AND THE REASON THEY

HAVE ONE IS BECAUSE FOR 400YEARS BEFORE CAMERAS AND ANY

RECORDING DEVICES, IF THERE WASA LARGE EVENT, LIKE A CORONATION

OR A BEHEADING OR -->> Colbert: OF COURSE A

BEHEADING WAS LIKE THE SUPERBOWL.

>> PUBLIC HANGS SO THE POETLAUREATE WOULD COMMEMORATE THIS

EVENT IN VERSE AND THERE BYSTORE IT IN THE NATIONAL MEMORY.

SO NOW WE HAVE OTHER WAYS OFDOING THAT.

WE REALLY DON'T NEED A POETLAUREATE, BUT IT CONTINUES.

AND I AM HAPPY ABOUT THAT.

>> Colbert: DO YOU GETANYTHING GOOD? DO YOU GET

ANYTHING GOOD THAT COMES WIT.

>> YES, YOU GET A COOL OFFICE INTHE JEFFERSON LIBRARY, THE

LIBRARY OF CONGRESS, THEJEFFERSON BUILDING, IT IS UP IN

WHAT THEY CALL THE ATTIC BUT ITHAS A BALCONY, IT IS PRETTY

NICE.

AND -->> Colbert: OTHER POETRY, ARE

THERE POET GROUPIES, BECAUSE YOUMUST BE DRIPPING.

>> WELL, THE PHONE NUMBER RANGETHERE WHEN I WAS POET LAUREATE

-- I WAS IN GREAT DEMAND.

>> Colbert: YOU HAD TO CUT THEWIRE TO GIVE YOURSELF PEACE.

YOU HAVE GOT A POEM IN HERE, THETITLE POEM, ACTUALLY, AIM LESS

LOVE.

>> UH-HUH.

>> Colbert: IN IT, IT IS ABOUTSOMEONE WHO FALLS IN LOVE WITH A

BAR OF SOAP.

>> RIGHT.

>> Colbert: AT THE CONCLUSIONOF IT.

IS THAT BASED ON SOMETHING THATHAPPENED TO YOU? OR IS THAT AN

AMALGAM OF VARIOUS BATH PRODUCTSYOU HAVE HAD OVER THE YEARS?

BECAUSE.

>> I HAD A SERIOUS RELATIONSHIPWITH A LUFFA FOR A WHILE.

>> Colbert: ARE YOU DESCRIBINGYOURSELF THERE?

>> THIS IS A PARTICULAR BAR OFSOAP.

>> Colbert: YEAH.

>> A PARTICULAR INCIDENT AND IFELT AN AFFECTION I COULDN'T

EXPLAIN EXCEPT IN POETRY.

>> THERE IS A SHOW ON TELEVISIONTHAT ACTUALLY READS POETRY ON

THE AIR.

>> Colbert: UNHEARD OF.

>> NOT SINCE JANUARY PARR.

>> JACK PARR I WOULD LOVE TOREAD A POEM OF YOURS.

>> WOULD YOU?

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]>> Colbert: I LIKE THIS ONE.

I LIKE THIS ONE.

HER READ A VERSE AND YOU READ AVERSE.

THIS ONE GOES, THIS IS PAGE 189,TO MY FAVORITE 17-YEAR-OLD HIGH

SCHOOL GIRL.

>> OKAY.

>> Colbert:LY START AND YOUGO.

>> OKAY.

>> Colbert: DO YOU REALIZETHAT IF YOU HAD STARTED BUILDING

A PART NONON THE DAY YOU WERE,PARTHENON YOU WOULD BE DONE IN

ONLY ONE MORE YEAR, OF COURSEYOU COULDN'T HAVE DONE IT ALONE,

SO NEVER MIND, YOU ARE FINE JUSTAS YOU ARE, YOU ARE LOVED SIMPLY

FOR BEING YOURSELF.

.. BUT DID YOU KNOW THAT AT YOURAGE JUDY GARLAND WAS PULLING

DOWN $150,000 A PICTURE? JOANOF ARC WAS LEADING THE FRENCH

ARMY TO VICTORY AND PASCUAL HADCLEANED UP HIS ROOM, NO, I MEAN

HE INVENTED THE CALCULATOR.

>> OF COURSE, THERE WILL BETIMES FOR ALL OF THAT LATER IN

YOUR LIFE AFTER YOU COME OUT OFYOUR ROOM AND BEGIN TO BLOSSOM,

OR AT LEAST PICK UP ALL OF YOURSOCKS.

>> FOR SOME REASON I KEEPREMEMBERING LADY JANE GRAY WAS

QUEEN OF ENGLAND WHEN SHE WASONLY 15.

BUT THEN SHE WAS BEHEAD SODNEVER MIND HER AS WELL AS A ROLE

MODEL.

>> Colbert: A FEW CENTURIESLATER WHEN HE WAS YOUR AGE FRANZ

SCHUBERT WAS DOING THE DISHESFOR HIS FAMILY, THAT DID NOT

KEEP HIM FROM COMPLETINGSYMPHONIES AND MUCH MORE AS A

YOUNGSTER.

>> HER SIMILAR IS NOT HERE INTHE SUBURBS OF CLEVELAND.

>> Colbert: FRANKLY, WHO CARESIF ANNIE OAKLEY WAS A CRACK SHOT

AT 15 OR MAYA DEBUTED AT TOFSKAAT 17, WE THINK YOU ARE SPECIAL

JUST BEING YOU, PLAYING WITHYOUR FOOD AND STARING INTO

SPACE.

BY THE WAY, I LIED ABOUTSCHUBERT DOING THE DISHES.

BUT THAT DOESN'T MEAN HE NEVERHELPED OUT AROUND THE HOUSE.

A.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]>> Colbert: BILLY COLLINS.

WE WILL BE RIGHT BACK!

>> Colbert: THANK YOU,EVERYBODY, GOOD