June 27, 2013 - Chuck Schumer

  • Episode: 09121
  • (0)

Mayor Michael Bloomberg declares war on the 4th of July, the Senate passes immigration reform, and Chuck Schumer talks tattoos and gang signs.

>> Stephen: WELCOME TO THE

REPORT, EVERYBODY.

STEPHEN, STEPHEN, STEPHEN!

STEPHEN, STEPHEN, STEPHEN!

STEPHEN, STEPHEN, STEPHEN!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> Stephen: THANK YOU FOR

JOINING US.

NATION THIS IS MY LAST SHOW

BEFORE MY FAVORITE HOLIDAY,

THE FOURTH OF JULY.

WHERE THANKS TO MY WELL

STOCKED COOLER, I DECLARE

INDEPENDENCE FROM VOTING

SAFETY.

WELL, FOLKS, I DO UP THE

FOURTH RIGHT.

I HAVE EVERYBODY OVER.

I PREPARE MY FAMOUS HOT DOGS

WITH A SECRET INGREDIENT.

IT'S HEAT!

(LAUGHTER)

AND SPEAKING OF DOGS, I

NEVER RING IN THE FOURTH

WITHOUT MY BOY LOU DOG.

WHOOO!

THE DOG IS IN THE HOUSE AND

THE DOG IS LOOSE.

SERIOUSLY, HE USUALLY GETS

DRUNK ON WINE COOLERS AND

RUNS OFF.

LAST YEAR I FOUND HIM NAKED

BEHIND A TRUE VALUE HARDWARE.

AS OUR FOUNDERS INTENDED.

CLASSIC LOU DOG.

BUT SADLY, FOLKS, SOME

PEOPLE OUT THERE WANT TO

RUIN AMERICA'S SACRED

BIRTHDAY.

THIS IS FOURTH OF JULY UNDER

ATTACK!

(LAUGHTER)

THANK YOU, JESUS, HE'S A

GOOD GUY.

FOLKS, YOU KNOW ME, I TRY TO

LIKE EVERYBODY.

BUT THERE'S ONE PERSON I des

PIECE WITH A PASSION, NEW

YORK MAYOR MICHAEL

BLOOMBERG.

(LAUGHTER)

HE HAS REPEATEDLY ATTACKED

OUR SMOKERS, HE'S ATTACKED

OUR BILL GULPS, AND NOW HE

HAS ATTACKED OUR

TIME-HONORED PATRIOTIC

TRADITION.

>> SORRY KINDS Y FOURTH OF

WILL JULY CELEBRATION LOSING

ITS BARK, HE WANTS TO BAN

THE SALE OF SPARKLERS

BECAUSE IT'S POSSIBLE

TERRORIST KOS USE THEM.

BLOOMBERG PUSHING TO VETO A

BILL ALLOWING THE SALE OF

THEM AROUND THE WEEKS OF

FOURTH OF JULY SAYING THEY

COULD GET NOT HANDS OF THE

ENEMY.

>> GET INTO THE HANDS OF THE

ENEMY?

(LAUGHTER)

OH NO, AL QAEDA MIGHT WAIT

UNTIL DARK AND WRITE "DEATH

TO AMERICA" IN THE AIR.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Stephen: HOW DARE YOU,

SIR!

HOW DARE YOU!

SOME OF MY HAPPIEST

CHILDHOOD MEMORIES WERE

SPENT HOLDING A 1500 DEGREE

METAL ROD.

(LAUGHTER)

WELL FOLKS, I DONE CARE WHAT

MAYOR BUZZSTOMP OVER HERE

SAYS.

SPARKLERS DESERVE A SEAT AT

FREEDOM'S TABLE.

THAT'S WHY TONIGHT IN AN ACT

OF SKIFL DISOBEDIENCE MY

BUILDING FIRE SAFETY MARSHAL

FRANK WILL NOW ENJOY SAFE

AND FUN SPARKLER.

COME ON OUT HERE, FRANK.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

THERE YOU GO.

ALL RIGHT, THERE'S YOUR

SPARKLER.

YOU READY TO DO THIS, BUDDY.

>> I DON'T THINK THE BEARD

IS A GOOD IDEA.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Stephen: COME ON, UNCLE

SAM HAS GOT TO HAVE THE

BEARD, ALL RIGHT.

LET'S DO THIS, FLAME ON.

WHOOO!

>> Stephen: I AM SO SORRY

FOR YOUR LOSS.

(LAUGHTER)

FRANK WAS A GOOD MAN.

EVERYBODY SAID HE REALLY LIT

UP A ROOM.

(LAUGHTER)

YOU UNDERSTAND HE HAD TO

WEAR THE BEARD, RIGHT, YOU

KNOW THAT.

(LAUGHTER)

I NEVER FORGET FRANK'S LAST

WORDS, HE SAID DAMN YOU

STEPHEN COLBERT, GODDAMN YOU

TO HELL.

(LAUGHTER)

SOMEBODY HELP ME.

(LAUGHTER)

I WOULD LIKE TO THINK THAT

THAT SOMEBODY WAS YOU, MARY.

YOU KNOW WHAT, LET'S

REMEMBER FRANK BY LIGHTING

THIS SPARKLER.

(LAUGHTER)

AND THINKING OF HIM.

♪ ♪

♪.

>> Stephen: KIDS, KIDS,

YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE TO BE

BRAVE NOW.

I'M SO SORRY FOR YOUR LOSS.

I WISH I COULD HAVE

EXTINGUISHED YOUR PARENTS.

BUT THANKS TO MAYOR BLOOMBERG

MY SODA WAS ONLY 16 OUNCES.

(APPLAUSE)

SO IT'S REALLY HIS FAULT.

YOU SEE THAT, DON'T YOU?

(LAUGHTER)

>> Stephen: OKAY.

OKAY, YOU'RE GOING TO BE ALL

RIGHT.

YOU KNOW WHAT?

YOU KNOW WHAT?

HERE, GO PLAY WITH SOME

SPARKLERS.

GO ON, GO ON.

HAVE SOME SPARKLERS.

THERE YOU GO.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> Stephen: OH, OH, OH, BUT

REMEMBER, ONLY USE THEM

UNDER PARENTAL SUPER-- HAVE

OH, THEY'LL BE FINE.

FOLKS, YESTERDAY THE SUPREME

COURT OVERTURNED THE DEFENSE

OF MARRIAGE ACT.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

I LIKE TO CHEER FOR PRETTY

COLORS TOO.

BUT THEY ARE SURRENDERING

THIS COUNTRY TO THE RADICAL

GAY AGENDA OF JOINT TAX

RETURNS.

IT'S UNNATURAL.

BUT LUCKILY ONE TV SHOW IS

NOT BACKING DOWN.

AND I HOPE IT'S THIS ONE.

THIS IS STEPHEN COLBERT'S

BIG GAY ROUND UP.

(APPLAUSE)

YEE WHAT!

-- I WANT TO THANK MY OLD

PAL INTERNATIONAL MOVIE STAR

STEVE CAR REL FOR NEVER

ASKING ME HOW I WOULD USE

THAT FOOTAGE.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Stephen: YOU'RE A GOOD

MAN.

NOW FIRST IN THE GAY ROUNDUP,

FOLKS, I TRUST THE GAYS

ABOUT AS FAR AS I COULD

THROW THEM.

NOT THAT I WOULD KNOW, I

DON'T PICK UP GAY MEN TO

THROW OR ANY OTHER REASON.

COME TO THINK OF, IT,

THEY'RE IN BETTER SHAPE THAN

I AM SO IT MIGHT BE EASIER

TO LET THEM THROW ME BUT I

GUESS I TRUST THE GAYS LESS

FAR THAN THEY COULD THROW ME,

ARE WE CLEAR?

GOD, THEY HAVE TO COMPLICATE

EVERYTHING.

AND NOW THEY'RE COMPLICATING

BLOOD DONATION.

>> THE AMERICAN MEDICAL

ASSOCIATION IS PUSHING FOR A

REVERSAL OF A DECADES-OLD

BAN ON BLOOD DONATIONS FROM

GAY MEN SAYING THAT THE LAW

IS OUTDATED.

GAY MEN HAVE BEEN BANNED

FROM DONATING BLOOD SINCE

THE AIDS CRISIS IN THE

1980s.

BUT NOW THE AMA SAYS THERE

ARE BETTER TESTING

PROCEDURES AND BETTER

UNDERSTANDING OF HIV.

>> Stephen: FOLKS LETING GAY

PEOPLE DONATE BLOOD IS AN

ENDORSEMENT OF THE GAY

LIFESTYLE.

IN FACT, I'M PRETTY SURE A

GAY BLOOD TRANSFUSION IS HOW

YOU GET GAY.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Stephen: IT'S LIKE BEING

BITTEN BY A RADIOACTIVE

SPIDER.

YOU GET ALL THE GAY

SUPERPOWER SUPERSTRENGTH,

WEB SLINGING AND THE DESIRE

TO WEAR SKIN TIGHT SPANDEX

ON BROADWAY.

NEXT ON THE ROUNDUP-- , LIKE

A TRUE AMERICAN, I LOVE ALL

THINGS DISNEY.

MOSTLY BECAUSE ALL THINGS

ARE OWNED BY DISNEY.

(LAUGHTER)

AN MY FAVORITE SHOW IS THE

DISNEY CHANNEL GOOD LUCK

CHARLIE, A FAMILY SITCOM

ABOUT THE UPS AND DOWNS OF

RAISING FIVE CHILDREN.

NOW AS A FAN I FEEL LIKE

I'VE BEEN KICKED RIGHT IN

THE MICKEYS BECAUSE IN A

FIRST FOR THE DISNEY CHANNEL,

NEXT SEASON ONE OF LITTLE

CHARLIE'S PLAY DATES WILL BE

WITH A KID WHO HAS TWO MOMS.

TWO MOMS!

THEY'LL PROBABLY BE HAVING

THEIR OWN PLAY DATE WITH

CRAYONS AND CONSTRUCTION

PAPER, OR AS THEY CALL IT,

SCISSORING.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Stephen: OH, I KNOW, I

KNOW.

UGLY STUFF.

FOLKS, I AM OUTRAGED AND I

AM NOT ALONE.

THE FAITH AND FREEDOM

NETWORK AND FOUNDATION

RAILED, THE ENTERTAINMENT

INDUSTRY IS DOING EVERYTHING

HUMANLY POSSIBLE TO NORMALIZE

HOMOSEXUAL RELATIONS AN ON

THE TEA PARTY NATION THEY'RE

SAYING WALT DISNEY MUST BE

SPINNING IN HIS GRAVE, YES,

OR AT THE VERY LEAST SOMEONE

HAS PUT HIS FROZEN HEAD ON A

LAZY SUSAN.

DISNEY, I DEMAND THAT YOU

DROP THIS TWO MOMMIES PLOT

AND GO BACK TO DELIVERING

WHOLESOME MESSAGES.

LIKE TEACHING OUR CHILDREN

THAT THEY CAN BE A PRINCESS

IF THEY LET A MAN MAKE OUT

WITH HIM WHILE THEY'RE

DRUGGED.

OR-- OR--

(APPLAUSE)

OR THAT THERE IS NOTHING

WRONG WITH BEASTIALITY IF A

CANDLE SAYS IT'S OKAY.

(LAUGHTER)

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

(APPLAUSE)

>> HEY, WELCOME BACK.

WELCOME BACK, EVERYBODY.

WELCOME BACK, TO MORE OF EL

SHOWO.

WHY AM I SPEAKING SPANISH?

BECAUSE I WAS JUST HANDED

THIS EL PAPERO T SAYS

BREAKING NEWS, AMERICA IS

OVER.

>> IT PASSED.

THE LANDMARK IMMIGRATION

BILL-PASSED.

68 TO 32.

>> Stephen: IMMIGRATION

REFORM HAS PASSED THE

SENATE.

I DIDN'T THINK THAT BILL HAD

A CHANCE IN CONGRESS.

IN THAT IT WAS A BILL IN

CONGRESS.

THIS IS ONLY THE BEGINNING,

FOLKS.

ONLY THE BEGINNING.

TODAY IT'S AMNESTY.

THE NEXT THING YOU KNOW TACO

BELL IS SERVING MEXICAN

FOOD.

REMEMBER THE ALAMO.

THIS SU RENDER COMES

COURTESY OF| A GROUP OF

SENATORS CALLING THEMSELVES

THE GANG OF EIGHT.

NO SURPRISE.

YOU LET IN THE MEXICANOES

AND BEFORE YOU CAN SAY BIB

LEO TECHA THE SENATE RUN BY

A GANG, I MEAN LOOK AT THESE

GUYS.

I WOULDN'T BE SURPRISED IF

THEY WERE SMUGGLING IN

PREMIUM UNCUT FLOMAX.

SO JUST WHO ARE THEY?

JIMMY, JUICE IT!

>> McCAIN, THE MAVERICK.

MENENDEZ, THE MAYBE MEXICAN

ONE.

GRAHAM, THE HE IS DUCK TRES.

RUBBIO, MR. THIRSTY.

SCHUMER, BIG DADDY SHUM.

>> BLAKE, THE ONE YOU JUST

HEARD OF.

AND THE REST.

GANG OF EIGHT.

>> NOW THE BOYS OVER HERE

HERE-- THINK-- THAT'S GOING

TO BE A SERIES ON ITS

NOSTALGIA CHANNEL.

THE BOYS OVER HERE THINK

THEY CAN GET CONSERVATIVES

LIKE ME TO SWALLOW THEIR

AMNESTY EARNING LANDA BY

INCLUDING SO-CALLED SECURITY

MEASURES OTHERWISE KNOWN AS

A BORDER SURGE.

NOW DON'T GET ME WRONG, I

LIKE THE IDEA OF A SURGE, IT

WORKED IN IRAQ.

YOU HARDLY SEE ANY MEXICAN

SNEAKING INTO BAGHDAD.

BUT IT'S NOT NEARLY ENOUGH,

FOLKS.

THIS PLAN WOULD MERELY

DOUBLE THE BORDER PATROL

WITH ONE AGENT EVERY

THOUSAND FEET.

NO SIR!

WE NEED THEM EVERY THREE

FEET THAT WAY THEY CAN LINK

ARMS AND CALL OUT RED ROVER

RED ROVER DON'T LET FRANCIS

COCOME OVER.

NO IMMIGRANT SHOULD GET

CITIZENSHIP IN THIS COUNTRY

UNTIL WE KNOW THE BORDER IS

SEALED.

AND I'M NOT JUST TALKING

ABOUT THE MEXICAN BORDER,

FOLKS, I'M TALKING ABOUT ANY

BORDER AND THAT INCLUDES

SOMEBODY COLORING OUTSIDE

THE LINES ON A DENNY'S PLACE

MAT.

SORRY JOSE BUT YOU CAN'T GET

YOUR GREEN CARD BECAUSE

MARIA DREW A BLUE SUN.

NATION, SOMEONE HAS GOT TO

ANSWER FOR THIS MADNESS.

WHEN WE RETURN, I WILL GET

SOMEONE TO ANSWER FOR THIS

MADNESS.

SENATOR AND EL JEFE DELOS

HOMBRES DE LA OCHO, CHUCK

SCHUMER, WE'LL B

>> MY GUEST TONIGHT IS ONE

OF THE ARCHITECTS OF THE NEW

IMMIGRATION REFORM BILL.

I'LL ASK HOW HE GOT PAST MY

BORDER FENCE.

PLEASE WELCOME VIA SATELLITE

CHUCK SCHUMER.

SIR, WELCOME TO THE REPORT!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

NOW CHARLES SCHUMER OR

SHOULD I CALL UCAR LOSS

SCHUM-- CARLOS SCHUMER.

>> CHARLES IS GOOD.

>> FOR NOW, BECAUSE WE ARE

TAPING THIS AT 2:00 IN THE

AFTERNOON.

AND YOU ARE VOTING ON THE

IMMIGRATION BILL AROUND WHAT

TIME?

>> ABOUT 4:00.

>> OKAY, 4:00 AND I'M

SHOWING THIS TO MY STUDIO

AUDIENCE AT 7:30 BUT WE'RE

NOT BROADCASTING IT UNTIL

11:30, SO THANK YOU FOR

STAYING UP LATE WITH ME

TONIGHT TO PRETAPE THIS LOOK

BACK AT WHAT HADN'T YET

TRANSPIRED IN THE SENATE

LATER THIS AFTERNOON EARLIER

TODAY.

SO WHAT WILL HAVE HAD

HAPPENED?

>> WELL, I BELIEVE THAT THIS

COMPREHENSIVE IMMIGRATION

BILL WILL HAVE PASSED BY A

VERY LARGE VOTE, TWO-THIRDS

OF THE SENATE WILL VOTE FOR

IT, ALMOST EVERY DEMOCRAT,

PROBABLY EVERY DEMOCRAT, AND

A LARGE NUMBER OF

REPUBLICANS.

AND WE'RE VERY PLEASED THAT

A LARGE NUMBER OF

REPUBLICANS VOTED FOR THE

BILL.

>> BY THE TIME THIS AIRS

WHAT IS YOUR ESTIMATE OF HOW

MANY ILLEGAL IMMIGRANTS WILL

HAVE BEEN GRANTED AMNESTY

AND VOTED FOR A DEMOCRAT?

>> WELL, NONE YET.

BUT YOU KNOW, THE BILL DOES

PROVIDE A PATH TO

CITIZENSHIP BECAUSE IT'S --

>> IT'S AMNESTY.

>> WELL, THEY HAVE TO WORK

HARD AND THEY HAVE TO LEARN

ENGLISH.

>> IT'S SHAMNESTY, IT'S A

SLICE OF HAMNESTY, IT'S

RASPBERRY JAMMESTY, IT'S

WHAM, BAM, THANK YOU

AMNESTY.

I'VE GOT A RHYMING

DICTIONARY AND I AM NOT

AFRAID TO USE IT.

>> IT'S GO TOKAI GOOD BILL

FOR AMERICA, STEPHEN.

>> Stephen: ARE YOU ARE

SURPRISE THAUD ONLY GOT 68

VOTES IN.

>> NO I THINK WE'RE REALLY

PLEASED WITH THE NUMBER OF

VOTES WE'VE GOTTEN RZ.

>> Stephen: ISN'T THIS A

PLOY FOR THE DEMOCRATS TO

GET VOTE, ISN'T THAT THE

ONLY REASON YOU'RE DOING

THIS?

>> WELL, NO, THE BOTTOM LINE

IS THAT I BELIEVE THIS IS

ONE OF THE BEST THING

QUESTIONS DO FOR AMERICA.

>> Stephen: SO WHY DON'T YOU

JUST PROVE THIS ISN'T ABOUT

VOTES BY SAYING RIGHT NOW

YOU DON'T CARE ABOUT THE

LATINO VOTE.

>> WELL, I WANT

EVERYBODY-- .

>> Stephen: GO AWAY, LATINOS,

SAY IT, DON'T VOTE FOR ME,

ME CHUCK SCHUMER.

>> I WANT TO GET EVERY VOTE

OF CAN OF EVERYBODY, THAT'S

FOR SURE.

BUT I'M DOING THIS BECAUSE I

BELIEVE IN AMERICA, I REALLY

DO.

AND IMMIGRATION HAS ALWAYS

BEEN PART OF THE AMERICAN

FABRIC.

>> Stephen: SIR NO ONE LOVES

LATINOS MORE THAN I DO.

THEY ARE A NATURALLY

CONSERVATIVE GROUP THAT

VALUES FAITH AND FAMILY.

I JUST DON'T WANT ANY MORE

OF THEM COMING IN.

I WANT THE TIME TO REALLY

APPRECIATE THE ONES WE

ALREADY HAVE.

>> WELL, LISTEN, EVERY

IMMIGRANT GROUP THAT COMES,

WHEN THEY LEAVE THEIR OWN

COUNTRY AND THEY, YOU KNOW,

THEY RISK THEIR LIVES OFTEN

TIMES TO COME, THAT'S BEEN

TRUE THROUGH THE CENTURIES,

COME TO A NEW CULTURE,

THEY'RE REALLY HARD-WORKING

DEDICATED PEOPLE WHO ARE

JUST SEEKING A BETTER LIFE

IN AMERICA HAS ALWAYS

AFFORDED THEM THAT BETTER

LIFE.

>> Stephen: HOW DID YOU GET

SO MANY GOP SENATORS AND

GUYS LIKE BILL O REILLY TO

CAVE ON THIS ONE?

>> I THINK THEY'RE DOING

WHAT THEY THINK IS GOOD FOR

THE COUNTRY DESPITE SOME

REAL POLITICAL ADVERSITY.

>> WHAT DID YOU GIVE THEM.

WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THE BILL

TO SWEETEN IT FOR

REPUBLICANS.

>> THERE ARE LOTS OF

SPECIFICATION PROVISION

NOTICE BILL THAT HELP PEOPLE

IN DIFFERENT STATES BUT

NASS'S GOOD TOO.

BECAUSE IN MANY INDUSTRIES

WE DEPEND ON IMMIGRANTS TO

MAKE THE INDUSTRIES GROWMENT

YOU TAKE AGRICULTURE.

VERY FEW AMERICANS WILL PICK

THE CROPS.

AND IF YOU DON'T HAVE A GOOD

SUPPLY OF IMMIGRANTS, THEN

YOU WON'T-- THEN YOU WON'T

HAVE A BIG GOOD FARMING

INDUSTRY AND FOOD GROWN HERE

IN AMERICA.

>> Stephen: IS IT THE EASIER

ANSWER JUST TO STOP EATING

VEGETABLES?

MANY AMERICANS HAVE ALREADY

TAKEN THAT PATH.

>> I LIKE BROCCOLI.

>> Stephen: WHEN JOHN McCAIN

WAS RUNNING FOR THE SENATE

THE LAST TIME, EVERYBODY

MADE FUN OF HIM FOR HAVING

AN AD WHERE YOU SAID BUILD

THE DANG FENCEMENT BUT

NOW-- NOW YOU'RE BUILDING IT,

IS THIS THE DANG FENCE?

AND HOW DANG IS IT?

>> WELL, IT'S A PRETTY TOUGH

FENCE.

AND IT'S NOT JUST A FENCE.

WE USE ALL KINDS OF DEVICES,

LISTENING DEVIALSES THAT CAN

FIND WHEN PEOPLE CROSS THE

BORDER ILLEGALLY IN THE

FUTURE.

AND THEY CAN BE APPREHENDED

AND TURNED BACK.

IT'S MUCH TOUGHER AND MUCH

STRONGER USING A LOT OF THE

NEW TECHNOLOGY THAN THE

PREVIOUS ATTEMPTS.

>> Stephen: WILL THERE BE

MORE LISTENING DEVICES ON

THE MEXICAN BORDER OR IN

AMERICANS TELEPHONES THAT

THE NSA IS LISTENING IN ON.

>> IF WE HAVE OUR WAY, MORE

ON THE BORDER.

>> Stephen: TELL ME ABOUT

THE GANG OF EIGHT.

YOU'RE THE LEADER OF THE

GANG OF EIGHT, AREN'T NEW.

>> I GUESS JOHN McCAIN AND I

HAVE BEEN CALLED THE TWO

LEADERS OF IT, YES.

>> Stephen: ARE THERE OTHER

GANGS ON THE SENATE FLOOR

LIKE CRYPTS OR BLOODS?

IF YOU THROW THE WRONG GANG

SIGN COULD JOHN CORNI CUT A

BITCH.

>> NO, THESE GANGS ARE

CONSTRUCTIVE GANGS.

WE'RE TRYING TO GET

DEMOCRATS AND REPUBLICANS TO

COME TOGETHER AND DO SOME

GOOD THINGS AND IF THE MORE

GANGS WE WOULD BE A BETTER

PLACE.

>> Stephen: WILL SENATOR

MARCO RUBIO ULTIMATELY VOTE

FOR THE BILL THAT MARCO

RUBIO WROTE?

OR WILL MARCO RUBIO HAVE TO

MAKE SOME CONCESSIONS TO THE

EXTREME MARCO RUBIO WING OF

MARCO RUBIO IN ORDER TO GET

RUBIO'S VOTE?

>> HE HAS DONE A GOOD JOB,

HE REALLY HAS.

AND HE HAS TAKEN A LOT OF

ARROWS BUT HE BELIEVES IN

THIS AND HE'S DOING THE

RIGHT THING.

I THINK THE WORLD OF HIM.

>> DO YOU HAVE ANY SORT OF

GANG TATTOOS?

DOW GET LIKE A TEAR TAT ON

YOUR FACE FOR EVERY BILL YOU

PASS?

>> WE'RE TO THE GOING SHOW

YOU OUR TATTOOS.

>> Stephen: WAS'S GOING TO

HAPPEN TO THIS BILL WHEN IT

GETS TO THE HOUSE.

>> I THINK THERE WILL BE A

LOT OF PRESSURE ON THE HOUSE

TO ACTUALLY GET THE BILL

DONE.

I KNOW THERE ARE A LOT OF

CONSERVATIVE REPUBLICAN WAS

DON'T WANT TO VOTE FOR IT,

FINE.

PUT IT ON THE FLOOR OF THE

HOUSE AND LET THE DEMOCRATS

PASS IT WITH SOME

REPUBLICANS.

AND AMERICA WILL BE A BETTER

PLACE, SO I'M HOPEFUL THAT'S

WHAT SPEAKER BOEHNER WILL

EVENTUALLY DO.

>> Stephen: HERE'S WHAT MY

FELLOW CONSERVATIVES DON'T

TRUST ABOUT YOU DEMOCRATS.

WE'VE BEEN THROUGH THIS

BEFORE.

YOU TALK BIG ON SECURITY.

AND THEN LIKE LUCY YOU YANK

AWAY THE BALL RIGHT AS

CHARLIE BROWN TRIES TO KICK

TELEPHONE.

AND WORST OF ALL IT'S NOT A

FOOTBALL, IT'S A FUTOBALL.

>> WELL, THAT'S THE KIND OF

TRIGGER WE DO HAVE IN THE

BILL.

IN OTHER WORDS, THE SECURITY

MECHANISMS AS WELL AS THE

MECHANISMS THAT PREVENT

ILLEGALS FROM FUTILE LEGALS

FROM GETTING JOBS, ALL OF

THOSE THINGS HAVE TO BE IN

PLACE BEFORE PEOPLE CAN

BECOME LEGALIZED AND WORK,

THOSE 11 MILLION.

BUT THEY CAN'T GET THEIR

GREEN CARD UNTIL THOSE

THINGS ARE ACTUALLY IN

PLACE.

>> Stephen: LAST QUESTION,

SENATOR, THE SENATE SEEMS TO

BE MARGINALLY MORE

FUNCTIONAL THAN THE HOUSE OF

REPRESENTATIVES THESE DAYS.

WHEN YOU WORK SO HARD AND

FOR SO LONG ON LEGISLATION

IN THE SENATE, AND THEN SEND

IT OVER TO THE HOUSE OF

REPRESENTATIVES, DOES THAT

EVER FEEL LIKE YOU'RE

NUDGING YOUR FULLY GROWN

CHILD INTO A FIELD FULL OF

BEAR TRAPS?

>> WELL, WE'RE HOPEFUL THE

HOUSE WILL RISE TO THE

OCCASION.

THIS IS THE RIGHT THING TO

DO AS WE'VE SHOWN.

IT'S NOT A DEMOCRATIC BILL,

IT'S A BIPARTISAN BILL.

IT'S THE RIGHT THING FOR

AMERICA, HAS SUPPORT FROM

ACROSS THE POLITICAL

SPECTRUM.

A LOT OF CONSERVATIVE PEOPLE

AS YOU MENTIONED BILL

O'REILLY AND OTHERS SUPPORT

IT.

SO WE'RE HOPEFUL THE HOUSE

WILL RISE TO THE OCCASION.

IF I HAD TO BET MONEY, THEY

WILL.

>> Stephen: THANK YOU FOR

JOINING ME, SENATOR.

SENATOR, CARLOS SCHUMER,

EVERYBODY.

>> NICE TO BE WITH YOU,

STEPHEN.

Captioning sponsored by

COMEDY CENTRAL

Captioned by

Media Access Group at WGBH

access.wgbh.org

>> THAT'S IT FOR THE REPORT,

EVERYBODY.

GOOD NIGHT.

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