March 8, 2012 - Don Fleming, Elvis Costello & Emmylou Harris

  • Episode: 08069
  • (0)

Stephen prank calls Eric Bolling, is inspired by Herman Cain's avant-garde ad, and talks folk music with Elvis Costello, Emmylou Harris and Don Fleming.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

>> Stephen: THANK YOU SO MUCH.

WELCOME TO THE SHOW,

EVERYBODY.

WELCOME TO THE REPORT.

>> STEPHEN, STEPHEN,

STEPHEN!

STEPHEN, STEPHEN, STEPHEN!

>> THAT'S TOO MUCH.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) THANK YOU FOR JOINING US,

EVERYBODY.

FOLKS, I DON'T HAVE TO TELL YOU, LIKE ALL AMERICANS, I'M CONCERNED ABOUT THE RISING

PRICE OF GAS.

LAST WEEKEND I HAD TO CANCEL MY ANNUAL LAWN FIRE WHERE I WRITE OUT MY SPRINGTIME

RESOLUTIONS IN GASOLINE ON MY LAWN.

TOO BAD THIS AREA'S RESOLUTION WAS GOING TO BE TO CONSERVE MORE GAS.

(LAUGHTER) WELL, WHENEVER I NEED ADVICE ON THE OIL MARKET I TURN TO FOX NEWS, HOME OF

CONSERVATIVE RISING STAR AND FOX NEWS CONTRIBUTOR ERIC BOLLING.

HE'S THE LEAD FOX NEWS 5:00 NEWS CALLED FIVE, WHICH IS LIKE THE VIEW FOR PEOPLE WHO

BELIEVE THE VIEW'S PANELISTS ARE TOO WELL INFORMED.

NOW THE LAST FEW DAY, FOLK,

BOLLING HAS BEEN PUSHING A SOLUTION TO THE GAS CRISIS ALL OVER FOX NEWS.

BUT HE WON'T TELL US WHAT IT IS.

>> AS A GUY WHO TRADED OIL & GAS FOR YEARS, I'VE GOT SOME IDEAS FOR THE PRESIDENT.

>> THERE'S ONE, THERE IS A SECRET THAT I'VE ONLY OFFERED TO THE OBAMA ADMINISTRATION.

WHICH WOULD BE.

>> CAN'T TELL YOU.

>> I PUT IT IN AN ENVELOPE AND I SAID THIS WILL BRING GASOLINE DOWN A DOLLAR.

HERE'S THE ANSWER.

THIS WILL GET GASOLINE PRICES DOWN, I GUARANTEE IT,

GASOLINE PRICES COME DOWN BY A DOLLAR WITH THIS.

>> Stephen: THAT'S RIGHT.

A SECRET PLAN IN A MANILA ENVELOPE TO LOWER THE PRICE OF A GALLON OF GAS BY $1.

I MEANS WHAT'S HE GOT IN THERE.

COULD IT BE A DOLLAR?

COME ON, BOLLING, I HAVE TO KNOW WAS'S IN THERE.

IF ONLY THERE WAS SOME WAY TO CONTACT BOLLING DIRECTLY AND FIND OUT.

>> HERE IT, IS, PRESIDENT OBAMA, LAST WEEK, I OFFERED YOU, MAKE THE PHONE CALL.

REACH OUT AND TOUCH ME, SIR,

HERE IT IS, THERE IS MY PHONE NUMBER WHERE IS T THERE IT IS.

>> IS THAT YOUR REAL NUMBER.

>> ONLY PRESIDENT OBAMA CALL NOW.

I DON'T WANT ANYONE ELSE TO CALL.

>> I HOPE HE CALLS.

I'M NOT KIDDING.

>> Stephen: WHAT A BRILLIANT PLAN TO GET A PHONE CALL FROM THE PRESIDENT.

YOU KNOW O I WANT OBAMA TO CALL ME TOO.

LOOK, SIR, PRESIDENT OBAMA,

I'VE GOT A PLAN TOW ELIMINATE THE DEBT.

AND I'VE GOT A PLAN TO INVADE AND DEFEAT IRAN IN THREE DAYS.

AND I'VE GOT-- I'VE GOT-- THESE ARE THE RESULTS OF SOME BLOOD TESTS.

AND THIS IS SOME POETRY FROM COLLEGE.

AND THIS, THIS, THIS IS MY PLAN TO ORGANIZE MY MANILA ENVELOPES.

SO CALL ME, MR. PRESIDENT.

AND ALL THIS COULD BE YOURS.

BUT IN THE MEANTIME I HAVE TO KNOW WHAT BOLLING'S PLAN IS.

BUT HE SAID ONLY THE PRESIDENT COULD CALL.

NOW OF COURSE HE DIDN'T SPECIFY PRESIDENT OF WHAT.

I HAPPEN TO BE PRESIDENT OF A SUPER PAC AS WELL AS-- (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) THANK YOU.

THANK YOU.

AND I AM ALSO THE PRESIDENT IN EXILE OF THE JUSTIN BEIBER BELIEVE FAN CLUB.

I WILL HAVE MY REVENGE,

SHELLY, YOU BACKSTABBING SEA VIPER.

YOU KNOW, SCREW IT,

BOLLING'S PLAN SOUNDS TOO IMPORTANT.

I AM CALLING.

OKAY, HERE WE GO.

HERE WE GO.

ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.

THIS IS FUN.

>> YOUR CALL IS BEING ANSWERED BY OUGHT DIX.

>> GAS LINE.

>> IS NOT AVAILABLE TO LEAVE A MESSAGE WAIT FOR THE TONE.

OTHERWISE FOR ASSISTANCE PRESS ZERO NOW.

RECORD AT THE TONE.

>> HELLO, ERIC BOLLING, ITS BARACK OBAMA CALLING.

I'M JUST HERE IN THE OVAL OFFICE STROKING MY PET WHITE PERSON.

THINKING OF WAYS TO DESTROY AMERICA WITH CONTRACEPTION.

WHAT IF WE PUT THE LADY LIBERTY ON THE PILL.

YES, YES, OH, ERIC BOLLING,

IF YOU ONLY KNEW THE THINGS THAT I WAS PLANNING TO DO WITH THE OIL MARKET.

LISTEN, ERIC, I REALLY WANT THESE PLANS YOU HAVE.

I WANT YOU TO-- I WANT YOU TO STITCH THEM ON TO AMERICAN FLAG AND THEN BURN IT.

AND THEN I WILL INHALE THE VAPORS AND KNOW WHAT YOUR PLAN IS.

>> SERIOUSLY, CALL ME.

ALL RIGHT, BYE.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) IT IS BARACK OBAMA SO I HAD TO SAY SOMETHING MEAN.

WELL, ERIC BOLLING, IF YOU STILL WANT THE PRESIDENT'S ATTENTION I HAPPEN TO HAVE

HIS DIRECT PHONE NUMBER, IN THIS MANILA ENVELOPE.

ALL YOU HAVE TO DO TO GET IT IS REACH OUT AND TOUCH ME,

OKAY.

JUST CALL ME AT THIS NUMBER,

ERIC.

REMEMBER, ONLY ERIC BOLLING SHOULD USE THIS NUMBER.

IT'S MY DIRECT LINE AND I PICK IT UP EVERY TIME SOMEONE CALLS.

OF COURSE THERE IS A SILLY LITTLE GAME I PLAY WHERE I PRETEND IT'S NOT MY NUMBER

BUT DON'T GIVE UP.

IT'S JUST TO THROW THE NONERIC BOLLINGS OFF THE SCENT.

NOW NATION, AS YOU KNOW I HAVE A CLOSE PERSONAL RELATIONSHIP WITH MY MAIN MAN HERMAN CAIN.

I LOVE HIM TOO.

HE'S MY BROTHER FROM ANOTHER MOTHER.

MY SISTER FROM ANOTHER MISTER, MY UNCLE CHUCK-YEAR FROM ANOTHER-- OH CHUCKY DUCKY!

(APPLAUSE)

>> Stephen: NOW FOLKS, WHO CAN FORGET WHEN WE RAISED CAIN TOGETHER AT OUR ROCK ME

LIKE A HERMAN CAIN RALLY IN SOUTH CAROLINA.

JUST LIKE AN ACTUAL HURRICANE THAT LEFT EVERYONE IN TEARS AND WONDERING WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED.

I'VE ALWAYS EXPECTED CAIN FROM HIS 999 TAX PLAN TO HIS VISION OF QUOTING POCKE

MONDAY TO LETTING HIS CAMPAIGN BE RUN BUT ITS SAVVYIST OF HIGHWAY DRIFTERS.

CAIN DROPPED OUT OF THE RACE BUT I'M PROUD TO REPORT IS HE STILL 100% COMMITTED TO

FIXING AMERICA CA CAIN'S CONNECTION PACK.

NOW THEY JUST DROPPED THEIR FIRST AD, FOLKS.

SPOILER ALERT T IS A HER HERMASTERPIECE.

JIM?

>> THIS IS THE ECONOMY.

THIS IS 9 ECONOMY ON STIMULUS.

ANY QUESTIONS?

(LAUGHTER) ANY QUESTIONS!

>> Stephen: NOPE.

NO QUESTIONS HERE.

COMPLETELY UNDERSTOOD IT UNFORTUNATELY, OTHER PEOPLE DID HAVE QUESTIONS LIKE DID

HERMAN CAIN COMMIT GOLDFISH MURDER?

>> NO HE DID NOT, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.

AS HIS CAME PAIN POSTAGE ON THE TUBE, THE GOLDFISH IS FINE BUT OUR ECONOMY ISN'T.

SEE T WASN'T KILLED T WAS MERELY TORTURED.

AND NOT NEARLY ASTOR TURDZ AS THE METAPHOR IN THE AD.

WELL, FOLK, THE REVIEWS ARE IN AND PEOPLE ARE CALLING HERMAN CAIN THE NEW ANDY

WARHOL AND NOT JUST BECAUSE HIS 15 MINUTES MAY BE UP.

JIM?

>> PRETTY BRUTAL VIDEO, IF YOU LOOK AT IT.

>> WELL, I THINK IT'S VERY CREATIVE.

>> IT'S A LITTLE BIT FILM NOIR WITH A SPRINKLE OF POST APOCALYPSE, IT'S A GRIM

MESSAGE INDEED THAT EVEN COMES COMPLETE WITH WITH THE FOREBODING CAW OF A RAVEN.

IT IS SAFE TO SAY THAT HE AND HIS TEAM HAVE CREATE A NEW VIDEO GENRE, BRENDA, THE

POLITICAL AVANT-GARDE.

>> Stephen: YES, A VAND GUARD CAIN IS PUSHING THE BOUNDARIES OF WHAT CAN BE

CALLED A POLITICAL AD.

JUST AS HE ONCE PUSHED THE BOUNDARIES OF WHAT CAN BE CALLED PIZZA.

AND CAIN KNOWS, QAIN KNOWS THE A VAND GUARD IS ABOUT CONFRONTING PRECONCEIVED BOURGE WHAT NECESSARY

NOTIONS OF POLITICAL MESSAGING.

IN CASE THE STIMULUS WHICH NO ONE HAS REALLY TALKED ABOUT FOR A YEAR HAPPENED.

THE GOLDFISH IS A METAPHOR FOR OUR ECONOMY CAUGHT IN THE GRIP OF A CAPRICIOUS AND

CRUEL UNIVERSE REPRESENTED BY A LITTLE GIRL, A FEROCIOUS FRAGILITY IN THE

BAR REN LANDSCAPE OF DECAY TOYING WITH LIFE'S DUALITY AS BOTH CRITIC AND CRIMINAL,

AND I GOT ALL OF THAT FROM HER BANGS.

FINALLY-- (APPLAUSE) FINALLY, IN A THOUGHT-FREE AND DAY-- DENAWMENT OF CAIN ON A GRASSY LEDGE

OVERLOOKING THE 18th HOLE OF MADNESS, OF COURSE THAT IS JUST ONE INTERPRETATION.

ANOTHER COULD BE THAT HIS CAMPAIGN MANAGER HAS SWITCHED WHAT HE IS SMOKING.

EITHER WAY, FOLKS, I WAS SO INSPIRED BY CAIN'S ART ATTACK OR ART-TACCK ADDS

THAT I CHUGGED A BOTTLE OF ROBITUSSIN, PUNCHED MYSELF IN THE TIFERP EL WITH A

PORCELAIN COW CREAMER AND MADE AN AVANT-GARDE AD OF MY OWN ABOUT ALL THE THINGS WE

FORGOT WE USED TO BE MAD ABOUT.

JIM?

>> LET'S SHATTER SOME PARADIGM.

>> THIS IS THE ECONOMY.

THIS IS THE ECONOMY ON REGULATIONS.

THIS IS CONTRACEPTION.

THIS IS THE AUTO BAILOUT.

THIS IS GAY MARRIAGE.

BANJOS, THIS IS A MEXICAN BORDER.

SOCIALISM, THIS IS GRANDMA,

IN A DYSTOPIAN FUTURE.

ANY QUESTIONS!

>> Stephen: ANY QUESTIONS!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) BALLS IN YOUR COURT, HERMAN KANE, AND I WANT TO ASSURE

MY VIEWERS THAT IN CATS WERE

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