December 18, 2014 - Grimmy
Stephen weighs in on his own impressive legacy, Grimmy resorts to violence, friends of the show take part in a massive sing-along, and The Report draws to a spectacular close.
>> Stephen: WELCOME TO THEREPORT.
(AUDIENCE CHANTS "STEPHEN!")
>> Stephen: THANK YOU, NATION.
THANK YOU, IT-GETTERS
PLEASE, SIT DOWN, EVERYBODY.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )THANK YOU SO MUCH.
THANK YOU FOR JOINING US.
THANK YOU, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.
YOU KNOW I NEED YOUR STRENGTH.
THANK YOU, NATION.
THANK YOU FOR JOINING US.
AND GOOD TO HAVE YOU WITH US.
NATION, I KNOW THAT THIS IS-- IKNOW THAT THIS IS AN EMOTIONAL
NIGHT FOR A LOT OF YOU, SO IWANT TO START THE SHOW TONIGHT
WITH SOMETHING A LITTLE MOREUPBEAT-- SYRIA.
( LAUGHTER )THAT COUNTRY IS GOING DOWN THE
TOILET, BUT FOR THE FIRST TIME,THEY KNOW WHO TO CALL TO UNCLOG
IT.
>> THE PHONES ARE RINGING OFFTHE HOOK AT MARK-1 PLUMBING IN
TEXAS CITY.
IT'S ALL BECAUSE OF THIS PHOTOPOSTED ON AN ISLAMIC MILITANT
GROUP'S TWITTER FEED.
IT SHOWS ONE OF THE COMPANY'SOLD WORK TRUCKS TURNED INTO AN
ANTI-AIRCRAFT-FIRING WEAPON ONTHE FRONT LINES OF SYRIA'S CIVIL
WAR.
>> LOOK AT THIS PICTURE.
MARK'S COMPANY LOGO AND HISPHONE NUMBER STILL CLEAR AS DAY
ON THE THE SIDE OF THAT TRUCK.
>> Stephen: YES, A TEXASPLUMBER'S WORK TRUCK SHOWED UP
IN SYRIA.
ALTHOUGH, PICKUP TRUCK, DESERT,GIANT MACHINE GUN-- THAT COULD
STILL BE TEXAS.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).
NOW, EVIDENTLY-- THANK YOU FORYOUR SERVICE, TEXAS.
EVIDENTLY, THE TRUCK'S FORMEROWNER MARK OBERHOLTZER OF MARK-1
PLUMBING SOLD HIS COMPANY TRUCKAND HAS NO IDEA HOW IT WOUND UP
IN SYRIA.
SINCE THIS PHOTO EMERGED, HISBUSINESS HAS BEEN FLOODED WITH
PHONE CALLS AND SOME THREATS.
SO JUST TO CLEAR THINGS UP--MARK-1 PLUMBING HAS HAD TO
CHANGE THEIR OUTGOING VOICEMAIL.
>> HOWDY, THIS IS MARK WITH MARK1 PLUMBING.
IF YOU NEED TO RESEAL YOURBATHTUB, PRESS ONE.
IF YOU'RE LOOKING TO COMMITATROCITIES BASED ON A WARPED
INTERPRETATION OF QURANIC VERSE,THAT AIN'T ME.
BUT IF YOU NEED A PIPE BOMB, ICAN MEET YOU HALFWAY.
>> Stephen: AND, NATION, IALSO HAVE A LITTLE HAPPY NEWS
FOR THE COLBERT NATION.
LAST WEEK, I PUT MY DESK ANDFIREPLACE UP FOR RAFFLE WITH THE
PROCEEDS GOING TO THE YELLOWRIBBON FUND AND DONORS CHOOSE.
AND I AM PROUD TO ANNOUNCE WERAISED $313,420.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).
BOOM!
CONGRATULATIONS.
THAT'S PRETTY GOOD.
313, THAT'S SOME LONG GREEN,DADDY.
CONGRATULATIONS TO WINNERSMICHELLE OLSON AND TOM LAUDATE.
AND I AM TRUSTING YOU GUYS.
I DON'T WANT TO SEE MY DESK SHOWUP ON THE BATTLEFIELDS OF SYRIA.
OKAY?
NOW, FOLKS, IF THIS IS YOURFIRST TIME TUNING INTO THE THE
"COLBERT REPORT," I HAVE SOMETERRIBLE NEWS.
( LAUGHTER )THIS, IN FACT IS YOUR LAST TIME
TUNING INTO THE "COLBERTREPORT."
UNTIL-- NO, NO, NO!
FOLKS, UNTIL 10 YEARS FROM NOW,WHEN THEY REBOOT IT DIRECTED BY
J.J. ABRAMS.
MAN, I AM GOING TO WRECK SOME( BLEEP ) WITH ONE OF THOSE NEW
LIGHTSABERS.
NOW, BECAUSE I AM ATRANSFORMATIONAL HISTORICAL
FIGURE-- THAT IS, I HAVE BEEN ONTV-- MANY OF THE THINKERATI OUT
THERE ARE ASKING WHAT MIGHTLEGACY IS.
WELL, ULTIMATELY, I BELIEVEHISTORY WILL BE MY JUDGE.
SO I'M GOING TO TELL HISTORYWHAT TO SAY, AND THAT BRINGS US
TO TONIGHT'S WORD.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )SAME TO YOU, PAL.
FOLKS, LET'S NOT PUSSY FOOTAROUND HERE.
I HAD A HUGE IMPACT.
NEED MORE EVIDENCE?
MAYBE YOU SHOULD ASK THE SAGINAWSPIRIT MINI MASCOT STEAGLE
COLDBEAGLE THE EAGLE.
OKAY.
THAT HAPPENED.
I DON'T REMEMBER CRONKITE EVERHAVING A MASCOT.
BUT, FOLKS, I'M NOT HERE TO BRAGABOUT HAVING CHANGED THE WORLD.
NOW I DID SOMETHING MUCH HARDERTHAN CHANGE THE WORLD.
FOLKS, I-- I SAMED THE WORLD.
NOW, DOES THAT SOUND STUPID?
WELL, THEY SAID I SOUNDED STUPIDBACK IN 2005, SO THAT'S THE
SAME.
( LAUGHTER )AND, FOLKS, LOOK AROUND.
ANOTHER-- ANOTHER BUSH GOVERNORIS RUNNING FOR THE WHITE HOUSE.
PEOPLE ON TV ARE DEFENDINGTORTURE.
WE ARE SENDING TROOPS INTO IRAQ.
AND JUST TAKE THE N.B.A.
CHAMPIONSHIPS, BOTH IN 2005 AND2014.
I HAD TO LOOK UP WHO WON.
NOW, FOLKS, IF YOU REMEMBER,WHEN THIS SHOW BEGAN, I
PROMISED YOU A REVOLUTION, AND IDELIVERED.
BECAUSE TECHNICALLY ONEREVOLUTION IS 360 DEGREES RIGHT
BACK TO WHERE WE WERE.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )THAT'S THE TRUTH.
BUT LIKE MARY POPPINS OR GANDHI,GANDHI-- I GET THEM CONFUSED.
I THINK THEY BOTH HAD THOSEFLYING UMBRELLAS.
FOLKS, NOW--( LAUGHTER )
NOW IT IS TIME FOR ME TO GO.
AND-->> OOH!
>> Stephen: NO, AND WHILE I'VEALWAYS REMINDED YOU TO BE
AFRAID, FOLKS, I DON'T WANT YOUTO WORRY.
YOU SEE, ON MY VERY FIRST SHOW,I TOLD YOU TRUTH DOESN'T COME
FROM YOUR HEAD.
IT COMES FROM YOUR GUT.
AND BACK THEN, MY GUT MADE YOU APROMISE.
I KNOW SOME OF YOU MAY NOT TRUSTYOUR GUT YET, BUT WITH MY HELP,
YOU WILL.
AND YOU DID.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )BECAUSE THE TRUTHINESS IS--
( APPLAUSE )I'LL JOIN THAT.
I'LL JOIN THAT.
WHATEVER WE'RE APPLAUDING RIGHTNOW, I'M IN.
BECAUSE THE TRUTHINESS IS ALLTHOSE INCREDIBLE THINGS PEOPLE
SAY I DID-- RUNNING FORPRESIDENT.
SAVING THE OLYMPICS.
COLBERT SUPER PAC.
TREADMILL IN SPACE.
THE RALLY TO RESTORE SANITYAND/OR FEAR AND/OR CAT STEVENS'
CAREER-- NONE OF THAT, NONE OFTHAT WAS REALLY ME.
YOU, THE NATION, DID ALL OFTHAT.
I JUST GOT PAID FOR IT.
( LAUGHTER )( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
THANKS.
THANKS.
THAT WAS-- THAT WAS REALLY COOLOF YOU GUYS.
( LAUGHTER )FOLKS, I KNEW YOU COULD DO IT,
BECAUSE YOU'RE AMERICA, GODDAMNIT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).
U.S.A. NUMBER ONE.
YOU PUT A MAN ON THE MOON.
AND HE STARTED MTV UP THERE.
( LAUGHTER )SO IN THE ANNALS OF HISTORY-- OR
WHATEVER ORIFICE THEY STUFF ITIN-- LET NO ONE SAY WHAT WE DID
TOGETHER WAS NOT IMPORTANT ORINFLUENTIAL OR IMPORTU-LENTIAL.
YOU SEE, FROM THE BEGINNING,FROM THE BEGINNING OF MY SHOW,
IT WAS MY GOAL TO LIVE UP TO THENAME OF THIS NETWORK, INFLUENCE
CENTRAL.
AND IF WE ALL WE ACHIEVED OVERTHE LAST NINE YEARS WAS TO COME
INTO YOUR HOME EACH NIGHT ANDHELP YOU MAKE A DIFFICULT DAY A
LITTLE BIT BETTER, MAN, WHAT AWASTE.
AND, NATION, I WANT YOU TO KNOW,IF I HAD TO DO IT ALL AGAIN, IF
I COULD DO IT WITH YOU, I WOULDDO IT THE SAME.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )AND THAT'S THE WORD.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
>> Stephen: WELCOME BACK,EVERYBODY.
THANKS SO MUCH.
NOW, FOLKS, BEFORE THE SHOWENDS, I JUST HAVE TO THANK ONE
SPECIAL PERSON-- IF BY PERSONYOU MEAN CORPORATION AND I
USUALLY TO.
SO HERE'S ONE LAST SHOUT-OUT.
>> HEY!
>> Stephen: TO THE PRESCOTTGROUP.
YES, PRESCOTT THEPETRO-AGRO-PHARMA-LOBBYING-CHEM-
PETRO-AGRO-PHARMA-LOBBYING-CHEM-GLOMERATE-CUM-HEDGE FUND THAT
HAS GIVEN ME CONSTANT ANDGENEROUS SUPPORT FROM DAY ONE
ASKING NOTHING IN RETURN BUT MYSLAVISH WILLINGNESS TO PROMOTE
THEIR BRAND.
FOLKS I MAY BE GOING OFF THE AIRBUT I'LL ALWAYS BE PART OF THE
PRESCOTT FAMILY OF PRODUCTS,BECAUSE OF A LAB ACCIDENT
INVOLVING FORMULA 401 MY D.N.A.
HAS BEEN MIXED INTO A LOT OFTHEM.
SPEAKING OF LAB ACCIDENTS,PRESCOTT PHARMACEUTICAL,
REMEMBER THEIR MOTTO-- HOW DOYOU GET TO PRESCOTT
HEADQUARTERS?
MALPRACTICE, MALPRACTICE,MALPRACTICE.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).
THIS IS CHEATING DEATH WITHDR. STEPHEN T. COLBERT, T.F.A.
>> WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
NO!
( SCREAMING )NO!
THERE'S NO PULSE.
OR SKIN.
HE'S DEAD.
I GOTTA GET RID OF THIS THING.
GOOD-BYE.
THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY-- OH,GOD!
OH!
OH!
STILL A BIG FAN!
WAIT A SECOND.
I DON'T HAVE A GUEST TONIGHT.
WAIT A MINUTE!
I JUST KILLED DEATH.
THAT MEANS I AM IMMORTAL!
NOTHING CAN STOP ME NOW.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
AARRGGHH!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )>> Stephen: OH, HI.
THANKS VERY MUCH.
WELCOME BACK.
THANKS, EVERYBODY.
LOOK.
>> STEPHEN!
STEPHEN!
STEPHEN.
>> Stephen: THANKS SO MUCH.
WELCOME BACK, MORTAL NATION.
THANKS FOR TAKING SOME OF YOURRAPIDLY DWINDLING TIME ON EARTH
TO BE WITH ME.
I'VE BEEN SITTING HERE FOREITHER TWO MINUTES OR 200 YEARS.
I CAN'T TELL THE DIFFERENCEANYMORE BECAUSE I AM DEATHLESS.
MY FIRST IMPRESSION OF MIMMORTALITY IT'S OKAY.
KIND OF LONELY, A LITTLE SNACKY.
OVERALL, THOUGH, PRETTY GOOD.
I CAN SEE WHY GOD WENT THIS WAY.
NOW THEY CAN'T DIE, I GUESS IDON'T NEED MY BUCKET LIST
ANYMORE.
THERE WAS A LOT OF GOOD STUFF ONHERE-- VISIT EVERY CONTINENT, GO
BUNGEE JUMPING, CHICKEN WINGS,POPCORN SHRIMP, NACHOS-- IT KIND
OF TURNED INTO A LIST OF THINGSI WANTED TO EAT OUT OF A BUCKET.
ANYWAY, THE POINT IS, I'M ENDINGTHE REPORT, AND I-- I WAS GOING
TO SAY GOOD-BYE, BUT NOW THATI'LL LIVE FOREVER, WHO KNOWS.
I MEAN, I GUESS WHAT I'M TRYINGTO SAY IS...
♪ WE'LL MEET AGAINDON'T KNOW WHERE
DON'T KNOW WHEN♪ BUT I KNOW WE'LL MEET AGAIN
SOME SUNNY DAY♪ KEEP SMILING THROUGH
JUST LIKE YOU ALWAYS DOTILL THE BLUE SKIES DRIVE THE
DARK CLOUDS FAR AWAY♪ SO WILL YOU PLEASE SAY HELLO
TO THE FOLKS THAT I KNOWTELL THEM I WON'T BE LONG
♪ THEY'LL BE HAPPY TO KNOWTHAT AS YOU SAW ME GO
I WAS SINGING THIS SONG♪ WE'LL MEET AGAIN
DON'T KNOW WHEREDON'T KNOW WHEN
BUT I KNOW WE'LL MEET AGAINSOME SUNNY DAY
♪ WE'LL MEET AGAINDON'T KNOW WHERE,
DON'T KNOW WHENBUT I KNOW WE'LL MEET AGAIN
SOME SUNNY DAY♪ KEEP SMILING THROUGH
JUST LIKE YOU ALWAYS DOTILL THE BLUE SKIES DRIVE
THE DARK CLOUDS FAR AWAY♪ SO WILL YOU PLEASE SAY HELLO
TO THE FOLKS THAT I KNOWTELL THEM I WON'T BE LONG
♪ THEY'LL BE HAPPY TO KNOWTHAT AS YOU SAW ME GO
I WAS SINGING THIS SONG♪ WE'LL MEET AGAIN
DON'T KNOW WHEREDON'T KNOW WHEN
BUT I KNOW WE'LL MEET AGAINSOME SUNNY DAY
♪ WE'LL MEET AGAINDON'T KNOW WHERE
DON'T KNOW WHENBUT I KNOW WE'LL MEET AGAIN
SOME SUNNY DAY♪ KEEP SMILING THROUGH
JUST LIKE YOU ALWAYS DOTILL THE BLUE SKIES DRIVE
THE DARK CLOUDS FAR AWAY♪ SO WILL YOU PLEASE SAY HELLO
TO THE FOLKS THAT I KNOWTELL THEM I WON'T BE LONG
♪ THEY'LL BE HAPPY TO KNOWTHAT AS YOU SAW ME GO
I WAS SINGING THIS SONG♪ WE'LL MEET AGAIN
DON'T KNOW WHEREDON'T KNOW WHEN
BUT I KNOW WE'LL MEET AGAINSOME SUNNY DAY
♪ WE'LL MEET AGAINDON'T KNOW WHERE
DON'T KNOW WHENBUT I KNOW WE'LL MEET AGAIN
SOME SUNNY DAY♪ KEEP SMILING THROUGH
JUST LIKE YOU ALWAYS DOTILL THE BLUE SKIES DRIVE THE
DARK CLOUDS FAR AWAY♪ SO WILL YOU PLEASE SAY HELLO
TO THE FOLKS THAT I KNOWTELL THEM I WON'T BE LONG
♪ THEY'LL BE HAPPY TO KNOWTHAT AS YOU SAW ME GO
I WAS SINGING THIS SONG♪ WE'LL MEET AGAIN
DON'T KNOW WHEREDON'T KNOW WHEN
BUT I KNOW WE'LL MEET AGAINSOME SUNNY DAY ♪♪
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )♪ ♪
>> Stephen: WHAT DO I DO NOW?
HUH?
HO-HO-HELLO, STEPHEN.
>> Stephen: SANTA.
>> AND I'M NOT ALONE.
>> HOW DO YOU DO?
>> ABRAHAM LINCOLN.
>> I ENJOYED WATCHING YOUR SHOW,STEPHEN.
>> Stephen: IT'S TRUE-- YOUARE A UNICORN.
( LAUGHS ).
>> AND THEY THOUGHT MARY TODDWAS CRAZY.
>> Stephen: BUT SANTA, IT'S NOTEVEN CHRISTMAS. WHY ARE YOUHERE
>> DON'T ASK ME.
ASK THE ONE WITH ALL THEANSWERS.
>> Stephen: THE ONE WITH ALLTHE ANSWERS?
IS IT-- IT IS YOU.
>> HELLO, STEPHEN.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).
>> Stephen: "JEOPARDY'S" ALEXTREBEK.
>> WON'T YOU JOIN US?
>> Stephen: OH, MR. TREBEK,WHERE WILL WE GO?
WHAT WILL WE DO?
>> YOU GOT THAT EXACTLY RIGHT.
ALL OF LIFE'S IMPORTANT ANSWERSMUST BE IN THE FORM OF A
QUESTION.
( LAUGHTER )>> Stephen: SO I GUESS I'LL BE
GONE FOREVER.
>> OH, NO, NO, NO, STEPHEN.
WE'LL ALWAYS BE THERE FOR THEAMERICAN PEOPLE WHENEVER THEY
NEED US THE MOST.
>> Stephen: YEAH, BUT AREN'TYOU CANADIAN?
( LAUGHTER ).
>> I'VE HAVE DUAL CITIZENSHIPSINCE 1998.
>> Stephen: YEAH, THAT'S NOTTHE SAME.
>> READY, STEPHEN?
>> YES, SIR, MR. PRESIDENT.
>> HO-HO-HO.
>> TELL LORRAINE I LOVE HER.( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK!
>> STEPHEN. WAKE UP.>> Stephen: CHARLENE?
>> NO. STEPHEN, YOU GOTTA WAKEUP.
IT'S TIME.
>> Stephen: OH.
OH, THANKS.
OH, OH, WELL, FOLKS, WE'VEFINALLY COME TO THE END OF THE
THE "COLBERT REPORT."
NINE GREAT YEARS, 1,447WONDERFUL EPISODES.
I JUST HAVE TOO MANY PEOPLE TOTHANK.
FIRST AND FOREMOST, EVERYBODYWHO WORKED SO HARD EVERY DAY TO
MAKE SOMETHING SPECIAL.
ALL OF OUR FRIENDS AND FAMILIESFOR PUTTING UP WITH OUR LONG
HOURS.
THE NETWORK FOR GIVING US THECHANCE TO BEGIN WITH.
( APPLAUSE )AND, OF COURSE, ALL THE GUESTS
WHO CAME ON, THOUSANDS OF THEM.
THERE ARE JUST TOO MANY TOTHANK, SO, YOU KNOW, WHAT?
I'LL JUST THANK MAY MAVISSTAPLES.
MAVIS, IF YOU COULD JUSTCALL EVERYBODY TOMORROW, THAT
WOULD BE GREAT.
THANKS.
OH!
AND YOU, THE COLBERT NATION.
WE COULDN'T HAVE DONE IT WITHOUTYOU.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).
THANK YOU FOR BEING SUCH A BIGPART OF IT.
THAT WAS FUN!
OKAY.
WHEW.
OKAY, THAT'S THE SHOW.
FROM ETERNITY, I'M STEPHENCOLBERT.
JON.
>> THANKS FOR THAT REPORT,STEPHEN.
HERE IT IS, YOUR MOMENT OF ZEN.
>> I LOVE YOU, JON STEWART!
I LOVE YOU.
>> PLEASE TELL ME THAT'S THETOSS AND WE JUST FINISHED IT.
( LAUGHTER )WHY NOT?
>> Stephen: I HAVE NO PROBLEMWITH THAT.
>> I HAVE NO PROBLEM WITH THAT,EITHER.
>> Stephen: CAN WE DO THAT?
>> NO.
( LAUGHTER ).
>> Stephen: OH, WELL.
>> ALL RIGHT.
LET'S GO BACK INTO OUR FUNNYCHARACTERS.
>> HEY, STEPHEN.
>> Stephen: HI, JON, WHAT AREYOU DOING?
>> I'M GETTING ANGRY ATLIBERALS.
