November 20, 2013 - M.I.A.

  • Episode: 10027
  • (0)

Congressman Trey Radel pleads guilty to cocaine possession, Russia cracks down on "gay propaganda," and guest M.I.A. performs a song from her album "Matangi."

>> Stephen: TONIGHT, AFLORIDA CONGRESSMAN IS ARRESTED.

EVEN MORE SHOCKING, SOME FLORIDACONGRESSMEN WEREN'T.

THEN, CONTROVERSY AT THE WINTERGAMES.

SOMEONE FINALLY SAID IT-- LUGEAND BOBSLED ARE THE SAME THING!

( LAUGH )AND MY GUEST TONIGHT IS M.I.A.

WILL SOMEBODY FIND HER?

THE SHOW A ABOUT TO START.

AMSTERDAM IS PAYING ALCOHOLICSBEER TO CLEAN THE STREET.

BUT YOU KNOW THEY'RE JUST GOINGTO SPEND THAT BEER ON WEED.

THIS IS

>> Stephen: WELCOME TO THEREPORT.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )GOOD TO HAVE YOU WITH US IN

HERE, OUT THERE, ALL AROUND THEWOULD.

NATIONS THE HOLIDAYS ARE UPON USAND SHE I DON'T KNOW ABOUT YOU,

BUT I'M READY FOR SOME TRINKLING LIGHTS AND FROSTY THE

SNOWMAN, AND WALKING IN A WINTERWONDERLAND.

SPEAKING OF SNOW, COCAINE.

SAD, DRUG-RELATED NEWS THISWEEK, AND LIKE MOST SAD NEWS, IT

COMES FROM WASHINGTON.

JIM?

>> REPUBLICAN TREY RADEL OFFLORIDA TODAY PLEADED GUILTY TO

COCAINE POSSESSION.

>> HE PURCHASED THREE AND A HALFGRAMS OF COCAINE FROM AN

UNDERCOVER OFFICER.

>> THE TEA PARTY FAVORITEREPRESENTS FLORIDA'S 19th

DISTRICT.

>> Stephen: YES, THIS RISINGTEA PARTY STAR WAS CAUGHT IN A

COKE BUST.

APPARENTLY HE FORGOT THE PART OFTHE TEA PARTY STORY WHERE YOU

DUMP THE PRODUCT IN THE HARBORBEFORE THE COPS SHOW UP.

FOLKS, PERSONALLY, I HATE TOLOSE A CONGRESSMAN SO FISCALLY

CONSERVATIVE THAT I'M SURE HESNORTED HIS BLOW THROUGH A $1

BILL.

AND SO COMMITTED TO FAMILYVALUES, FOLKS, THAT HE ACTUALLY

VOTED TO DRUG TEST PEOPLE WHORECEIVE FOOD STAMPS

( BOOING )NO, NO, NO.

HE'S NOT A HYPOCRITE.

BECAUSE HE DOESN'T GET FOODSTAMPS FROM THE GOVERNMENT.

JUST HIS PAYCHECK.

BUT YOU KNOW WHAT I CAN'T SAYI'M SURPRISED.

I'M BEEN ON THE COCAINE CONGRESSBEAT SINCE ROBERT WEXLER TOLD ME

THIS.

>> I ENJOY COCAINE BECAUSE IT'STHE FUN THING TO DO.

( APPLAUSE )( LAUGHTER ).

>> Stephen: WHAT IS IT WITHFLORIDA CONGRESSMEN?

I MEAN, THERE MUST BE SOMETHINGIN THE WATER DOWN THERE.

AND I'M GUESSING IT'S COCAINE.

( LAUGHTER )BUT YOU KNOW, FOLKS, WE SHOULD

ALL HAVE SEEN RADEL'S TRIP DOWN8-BALL MOUNTAIN COMING.

WHEN RADEL RECORDED THIS SPANISHLANGUAGE MESSAGE TO THE PEOPLE

OF COLOMBIA.

>> A MESSAGE FROM FLORIDACONGRESSMAN TREY RADEL TO THE

COLOMBIAN COMMUNITY.

LAST WEEK I WAS IN THEBEAUTIFUL, SPECTACULAR, AND

GROWING COUNTRY OF COLOMBIA.

IN PART, STRENGTHENING OURRELATIONSHIP WITH OUR ALLY AND

FRIEND COUNTRY.

BUT MOSTLY, TO SCORE COKE.

( LAUGHTER )SPECIFICALLY, I WANT A RELIABLE

SOURCE OF THE PUREST COLOMBIANCOKE.

FRANKLY, I'M TIRED OF MIDDLE MENDILUTING MY ( BLEEP ) WITH BABY

LAXATIVES.

SO I NEED TO CONNECT TO BEAM MEUP ON SOME OF THAT STRAIGHT,

COLOMBIAN GUTTER GLITTER.

WE CONSIDER SHARE IT AND THEN WEWILL DANCE AND DANCE AND DANCE.

( LAUGHTER )>> Stephen: SO BEST OF LUCK,

CONGRESSMAN.

WE WILL MISS YOU, AND OFCOURSE-- WHAT'S THAT?

HE'S NOT RESIGNING?

WHAT IS

FOLKS,UB I'M NOT ONE TO SIT INJUDGMENT.

I PREFER TO JUMP UP AND DOWN INJUDGMENT.

THIS IS TIP OF THE HAT, WAG OFTHE FINGER.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).

FIRST UP, FOLKS, JUST SECONDSAGO I THINK I MADE IT CLEAR, I'M

NO FAN OF DRUG ADDICTS.

JUST THINKING ABOUT THEM MAKESME SO ANGRY I NEED ANOTHER

XANAX.

THAT'S WHY I WAS HIGH ON LIFEWHEN I LEARNED WITH A NEW STUDY

FROM THE UNIVERSITY OFPENNSYLVANIA THAT FOUND A

FATHER'S COCAINE USE MAKES HISSONS LESSENSITIVE TO THE DRUG,

AND THEREBY MORE LIKELY TORESIST ADDICTIVE BEHAVIORS.

WHICH MEANS IF YOU DO NOT HAVE ACRIPPLING COCAINE ADDICTION, BE

SURE TO THANK YOUR DAD.

SEE IF YOU CAN FIND HIM.

HE'S PROBABLY GIVING OUT HANDIESAT THE BUS STATION.

( LAUGHTER )THAT'S WHY I'M GIVING A TIP OF

MY HAT TO HOPPED-UP POPS.

CONGRATULATIONS.

( APPLAUSE )YOU HAVE FINALLY--

( CHEERS )YOU HAVE FINALLY-- YOU HAVE

FINALLY EARNED THAT FATHER OFTHE YEAR MUG YOU STOLE FROM THE

HALLMARK STORE AFTER BITING THECASHIER.

RESEARCHERS FOUND THAT COCAINECAUSES D.N.A. ALTERATIONS IN

SPERM IN WHICH THE CHANGES ARETRANSMITTED TO MALES IN THE NEXT

GENERATION, MEANING COCAINEADDICTION SKIPS A GENERATION,

LIKE BALDNESS.

BUT IF YOU'RE LUCKY ENOUGH TOAVOID BALDNESS, REMEMBER, YOU

CAN SELL YOUR HAIR FOR COKE.

SO THE NEXT TIME YOU SEE A DUDEDO A BUMP OFF A TOILET SEAT AT A

STRIP CLUB, JUST SAY TOYOURSELF, "THAT GUY'S GOING TO

MAKE A GREAT DAD."

NEXT UP, FOLKS, I AM NO FAN OFAMERICA'S GLOBAL ARCHNEMESIS AND

PRIMARY INVESTOR CHINA.

THEY ARE SO SMUG WITH THEIRSURGING ECONOMY, THEIR WALL

VISIBLE FROM SPACE, AND THEIRSEEMINGLYLESS ENDs SUPPLY OF

LUCKY NUMBERS.

( LAUGHTER )BUT FINALLY, FINALLY, AMERICAN

CULTURE IS STRIKING BACK.

>> STARBUCKS IS FACING SCRUTINYIN CHINA THIS WEEK BECAUSE STATE

MEDIA IS ACCUSING IT OFOVERPRICING.

$4.50 FOR A MEDIUM-SIZED LATTE,ROUGHLY A THIRD MORE THAN IN THE

UNITED STATES.

>> Stephen: THAT'S RIGHT.

OUR COLD WAR HAS ESCALATED INTOA CRISE SO HOT, YOU NEED ONE OF

THOSE CARD BOARD THINGS TO HOLDIT.

SO I'M GIVING A TIP OF THE HATTO STARBUCKS FOR FINDING A WAY

TO STICK IT TO THE CHINESE.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).

WE'VE CALLED OUT THE CHINESE ONONE HUMAN RIGHTS VIOLATION AFTER

ANOTHER WITH NO RESPONSE.

BUT TO CRANK UP THE PRIVACY ANO-FOAM MATCHIATO, AND THE

GOVERNMENT RELEASES A 20-MINUTEBROADCAST CALLED-- AND THIS IS

TRUE-- "STARBUCKS, EXPENSIVE INCHINA."

I CAN'T WAIT FOR THE FOLLOW-UPFILM-- ""DUNKIN' DONUTS: WHEN

THE HELL ARE THEY SELLING TUNASANDWICHES.

WHAT'S BEHIND THE BULL MARKET INTHE CHINA COFFEE SHOP?

ACCORDING TO STOOSHZ ITS HIGHERCOST COMES FROM SUCH FACTORS AS

LABOR AND INGREDIENTS.

OF COURSE INGREDIENTS WILL BEMORE EXPENSIVE BECAUSE IN CHINA

FRAPPACHINOS CONTAIN FRESH LUMPCRAB MEAT AND CADMIUM.

SPEAKING OF CHINA-- I JUST WAS--AND THIS WEEK, THERE WAS MORE

BAD NEWS.

>> CHINESE SHOPPERS SET ONLINESALES RECORDS MONDAY.

SHOPPERS CLICKED THEIR WAY TOMORE THAN $5 BILLION IN PRODUCTS

ON CHINA'S LARGEST E-COMMERCESITE.

THAT DWARFS SALES ON CYBERMONDAY IN THE UNITED STATES.

>> $5 BILLION WORTH OF SALES.

>> THAT IS 2.

THE 5 TIMES MORE THAN CYBERMONDAY IN THE UNITED STATES.

>> Stephen: FOLKS, IF CHINAHAS THE CASH TO DO THIS, WE'RE

CLEARLY NOT BORROWING ENOUGHUPON IT

( LAUGHTER )I'M GIVING THE NEXT WAG OF MY

FING TORE AMERICAN CONSUMERS.

HOW YOU CAN NOT OUTSPEND THESEGUYS?

ONLINE SHOPPING IS MUCH HARDERFOR THE CHINESE.

AFTER THEY BUY AN iPAD, THEYHAVE TO RUN BACK TO THE FACTORY

TO MAKE IT.

( LAUGHTER )( APPLAUSE )

THE OCCASION FOR ALL THIS PEKINGKA-CHING WAS NOVEMBER 11,

CHINA'S SINGLES' DAY, SYMBOLIZEBIDE THE FOUR LONELY ONES OF

11-11.

OF COURSE THE IDEA OF ONE AS THELOAMEST NUMBER WAS FIRST FOUND

IN THE WRITINGS OF CHINESEPHILOSOPHER, HA-RI NIL-SUN.

( LAUGHTER )( APPLAUSE )

NOW, THE CHINESE, THE CHINESEORIGINALLY STARTED SINGLES DAY

AS A TIME FOR UNMARRIED MEP TOLAMENT THEIR SOLO STATUS WITH A

DRINK.

WE HAVE A SIMILAR PRACTICE OFMEN DRINKING ALONE IN AMERICA.

IT'S CALLED LADIES' NIGHT.

( LAUGHTER )FOLKS, I BELIEVE WE NEED TO TAKE

A LESSON FROM CHINA AND HARNESSTHE ECONOMIC POWER OF LONELY,

SINGLE MEN.

YOU GUYS NEED TO STEP UP ANDSTART BUYING MORE STUFF.

I MEAN, LOOK WHAT YOU'RE DOINGRIGHT NOW.

YOU'RE WATCHING MY SHOW.

ON THE COUCH, PROBABLY ALONE.

ME, I GO HOME EVERY NIGHT ANDSPEND TIME WITH MY LOVED ONES.

DADDY LOVES YOU, PLAYSTATION 4.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).

WHO YOU DOVE ME BACK?

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

>> Stephen: WELCOME BACK,NATION.

THANKS SO MUCH.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, IF YOUKNOW THE HISTORY OF THIS SHOW IS

COMES AS NO SURPRISE TO YOU ILOVE THE OLYMPICS.

IT'S ONE OF THE FEW TIMES YOUCAN THROW A SPEAR IN A STADIUM

AND NOT GET ARREST FORWARD IT.

THIS IS THE SPORT REPORT.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( CHEERS )

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( CHEERS )

FOLKS-- THANK YOU, THAT ONE'SFREE.

THAT'S FREE.

( LAUGHTER )FOLKS, I'M REALLY LOOKING

FORWARD TO THE UPCOMING WIRPTDQAIMS IN SOCHI, RUSSIA.

I EVEN LEARNED SOME RUSSIAN LIKE"DOSVEDANYA."

WHICH MEANS "TWO VEDANYAS."

AND "VOHTA-KA," WHICH I BELIEVEMEANS I'D LIKE TO WANG NEED IN

THE NEAREST FOUNTAIN, PLEASE.

BEAUTIFUL LANGUAGE.

AND FOR ALL THESE OLYMPICS,RUSSIA IS PROMISING

UNPRECEDENTED SECURITY MEASURES.

NOSSURPRISING, OF COURSE, GIVENALL THE THREATS THE COUNTRY

FACES-- CHECHEN REBELS, KAZAKHFUNDAMENTALISTS, RIDING PUSSY.

BUT THERE'S ONE GROUP THAT'SMORE DANGEROUS THAN ALL OF THOSE

COMBINED-- THE GAYS.

YEAH.

YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.

NO, NO, WE'RE ALL SCARED.

( LAUGHTER )RUSSIA'S OLYMPICS ARE ENDANGERED

BY HOMOSEXUALS WHO INSIST ONEXISTING DURING THEM.

( LAUGHTER )THAT'S WHY LAST JUNE, VLADIMIR

PUTIN SIGNED A LAW BANNING ALLHOMOSEXUAL PROPAGANDA, INCLUDING

PUBLIC DISPLAYS OF AFFECTION, ORDISPLAYING SYMBOLS LIKE A

RAINBOW FLACK.

GOOD THINKING.

BECAUSE THE VISIBLE SPECTRUM HASALWAYS HAD A GAY AGENDA.

( LAUGHTER )( APPLAUSE )

I MEAN, IT EXPLAINS WHY WE'REALWAYS HEARING ABOUT ROY G. BIV,

BUT NEVER MRS. G. BIV.

WHERE IS SHE, ROY?

SOME IN THE L.G.B.T. COMMUNITY,WHICH CONSIDER STANDS FOR

SOMETHING-SOMETHING-SOMETHING-TE

SOMETHING-SOMETHING-SOMETHING-TERRORIST, ARE THREATENING TO

STAGE A GAY-IN.

>> THERE'S ALL SORTS OF ABUTTINGPROTEST MOVEMENTS AGAINST THE

WINTER OLYMPICS BECAUSE OF THEHOMOPHOBIC STANCE OF PUTINS AND

THE RUSSIAN LAWS.

>> THERE SHOULD BE WEARING OFRAINBOW COLORS.

THERE SHOULD BE PROTESTS.

THERE SHOULD BE MORE SPEECH.

>> AN OPENLY GAY SPADE SKATERWANTS TO GO THERE, WEAR A

RAINBOW PIN AND SAY, "I'M HERE,I'M GAY, AND I'M OKAY."

>> HEY, BLAKE, DO YOU REALLYTHINK YOU NEED TO WEAR A RAINBOW

PIN WHEN YOU'RE WEARING THE MANSPANX.

WE GET THE MESSAGE.

FORTUNATELY, RUSSIAN OLYMPICOFFICIALS HAVE COME UP WITH A

FOOL-PROOF WAY TO MAKE THEOLYMPIC TORCH A LITTLE LESS

FLAMING.

>> PICTURES SHOWING THE OFFICIALUNIFORM FOR VOLUNTEERS AND

STAFF, BRIGHTLY COLORED SKIJABTS AND HATS FEATURING THE

OLYMPIC RING.

SOME PEOPLE SAY COLORS VERYSIMILAR TO THE RAINBOW FLAG THAT

SYMBOLIZES THE L.G.B.T.

MOVEMENT.

>> Stephen: YES, BY WEARINGTHESE RAINBOW UNIFORMS, THE

RUSSIANS ARE LEAVING THE GAYSWITH NO PROTEST SYMBOL.

AS PRESIDENT OF THE OLYMPICORGANIZES COMMITTEE

CHERNYSHENKO, TOLD "USA TODAY,"I AM VERY BRAVE, I WILL PUT MY

RAINBOW PIN ON AND LET ME GO TOJAIL IN RUSSIA BECAUSE I WILL BE

PROMOTING GAY RIGHT IN THEOLYMPIC GAME.

HAS ANYBODY NOTICED WHAT KIND OFUNIFORM GAME ORGANIZERS WILL BE

WEARING?

YES, WE TOOK YOUR RAINBOW.

SUCK IT, GAYS.

JUST-- JUST DON'T DO IT INRUSSIA.

( LAUGHTER )( APPLAUSE )

NOW, WHEN SOMEONE WATCHING THEOLYMPICS SEES RAINBOW CLOACTING,

THEY WON'T THINK THEY'RE A GAYPROTESTER.

THEY'RE JUST THINK THEY HAVETERRIBLE TASTE.

BRAVO, RUSSIA NO COUNTRY HASNEUTRALIZED THEN HITLER ONE-UPS

JESSE OWENS BY WEARING BLACKFACE.

I AGREE, NOT COOL, HITLER, NOTCOOL.

I'M SORRY, THIS IS WHERE I GETOFF.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).

>> Stephen: WELCOME BACK,EVERYBODY.

MY GUEST TONIGHT IS THEACCLAIMED RAPPER BEHIND THE

ALBUMS "ARULAR, "KALA," "MAYA,"AND "MATANGI."

EITHER THAT, OR MY TELEPROMPTERIS ON THE FRITZ AGAIN.

PLEASE WELCOME M.I.A.!

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )NICE TO MEET YOU.

THANKS SO MUCH FOR COMING ON.

ALL RIGHT, LET ME-- AM IPRONOUNCING THAT CORRECTLY,

M.I.A.?

>> YES.

>> Stephen: I DIDN'T KNOW, ITCOULD HAVE BEEN MIA.

YOU HAVE ANOTHER NAME, RIGHT?

>>>> UH-HUH.

>> Stephen: HELP ME OUT.

>> METANGY.

>> Stephen: METANGY.

>> YES.

>> Stephen: AND YOUR LASTNAME.

>> AROPRAGASM?

>> Stephen: IS THAT YOUR REALNAME?

A LOT OF WOMEN FAKE THEAROPRAGASM.

YOU HAVE A NEW ALBUM.

YOU'RE A BIG MUSICIAN.

AND YOU ARE A VISUAL ARTIST,TOO, AREN'T YOU?

>> YES.

>> Stephen: DID YOU DESIGNALL THE STUFF?

>> YES.

>> Stephen: YOU DID?

>> YES.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).

>> Stephen: I'M IMPRESSED.

WHY NOT STICK TO ONE THING?

WHY DO MORE THAN ONE THING AT ATIME?

>> BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT REFUGEESDO, ISN'T IT.

>> Stephen: ARE YOU AREFUGEE?

>> YES.

>> Stephen: FROM.

>> SRI LANKA.

>> Stephen: YOU WERE BORN INENGLAND?

>> YES, BUT I LIVED IN SRI LANKAFOR TEB YIERS.

>> Stephen: SO AT SOME POINTYOU WERE A REFUGEE FROM ENGLAND.

>> I CAME BACK WHEN IT GOT CRAZYIN SRI LANKA.

>> Stephen: I HAVE A PROBLEMWITH YOU.

>> I KNOW.

>> Stephen: ARE YOU READY FORTHIS?

ARE YOU READY?

ALL RIGHT?

HOW COME YOU HAVE POLITICS INYOUR MUSIC?

OKAY?

IT'S DANCE MUSIC.

( LAUGHTER )JUST LET ME GET UP THERE AND

SHAKE IT.

DO I HAVE TO-- LIKE DO YOU HAVETO DANCE AND THINK ABOUT, LIKE,

THE BOAT MASSACRE OF 1985?

( LAUGHTER ).

>> YES!

>> Stephen: WHY CAN'T YOUJUST SING ABOUT LOVELY LADY

LUMPS OR, LIKE, OR LIKE BUBBLEYUM BUM.

>> SOMEBODY HAD ALREADY WRITTENTHAT SONG.

>> Stephen: WHY DO POLITICS?

>> I DON'T KNOW.

I WAS INSPIRED BY A LOT OFAMERICAN ARTISTS.

>> Stephen: WHO?

>> BOB DYLAN.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).

YOU KNOW, PUBLIC ENEMY.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).

YOU KNOW, I PUT OUT MY FIRSTSONG AND CAME TO AMERICA, I

THOUGHT YOU GUYS WERE USED TO ITALREADY.

I DIDN'T REALIZE IT WAS SOSHOCKING.

>> Stephen: AS AN ARTIST BORNIN ENGLAND, GREW UP IN SRI

LANKA, WHAT DO YOU THINK OFAMERICA?

YOU'VE BEEN HERE A LONG TIME.

>> YES.

>> Stephen: WHAT DO YOU, OFUS?

WATCH YOUR ANSWER.

>> WHOA!

THIS IS-- I THINK.

>> -->> Stephen: I'LL START,

GREATEST COUNTRY ON EARTH.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).

>> I THINK AMERICA-- I'M GOINGTO BE REALLY CONTROVERSIAL

BECAUSE THAT'S A CONTROVERSIALQUESTION.

>> Stephen: "WHAT DO I THINKOF AMERICA?"

>> YES.

>> Stephen: STAND UP ANDSALUTE, BABY, AND YOU'RE DONE.

>> WELL, YOU KNOW -->> Stephen: I CAN TAKE IT.

>> IN MY MIND THERE ARE NOCOUNTRIES.

LIKE WE'RE ALL ONE.

WE ALL LIVE ON THIS PLANET.

>> Stephen: WHAT DO YOU THINKOF ME?

>> I DON'T KNOW.

THIS IS-- I'VE NEVER WATCHED THESHOW.

>> OH!

>> SORRY, BUT THAT'S BECAUSE IDON'T WATCH TELEVISION.

I DON'T WATCH TELEVISION AS AWHOLE.

IT'S NOT THAT I WAS SINGLING YOUOUT.

>> Stephen: THAT'S OKAY.

IT DOESN'T MATTER.

( LAUGHTER )>> IT'S NICE, NOW NAI'VE MET

YOU, AND YOU CAN SING.

I THINK YOU'RE ONE OF US.

>> Stephen: WHAT?

>> THAT YOU CAN SING.

>> Stephen: I CAN SING?

>> YEAH, YOU CAN SING.

YOU HAVE A NICE SINGING VOICE.

>> Stephen: WOULD YOU PLEASEDO A SONG FOR US?

>> YES, I WILL.

>> Stephen: WE'LL BE RIGHTBACK WITH A PERFORMANCE BY

M.I.A.

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