November 21, 2013 - J.J. Abrams

  • Episode: 10028
  • (0)

Senate Democrats go nuclear, Oklahoma Governor Mary Fallin blocks same-sex benefits, Stephen invites himself to Thanksgiving dinner, and J.J. Abrams discusses his novel, "S."

>> Stephen: TONIGHT, A NEWWAY TO STOP THE GAYS.

THEN ADVICE FOR A HAPPYTHANKSGIVING.

DON'T BEAT A TURKEY.

THEN, I SIT DOWN WITH J.J.

ABRAMS WHO IS DIRECTING THE NEW"STAR WAR "MOVIES LET'S HOPE

J.JVMENTD DOESN'T STAND FORJAR-JAR.

WAIT A MINUTE A SECOND, NEILPATRICK HARRIS IS A MUTANT?

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )>> Stephen: WELCOME TO THE

REPORT.

THANK YOU SO MUCH.

THANK YOU, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.

THANK YOU FOR JOINING US.

I GOT A--( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

FOLKS.

THANK YOU SO MUCH, LADIES ANDGENTLEMEN.

THANK YOU, FOLKS.

THANK YOU FOR YOUR SUPPORT.

THANK YOU FOR JOINING US ONTHIS, THE LAST DAY OF AMERICA,

BECAUSE, FOLKS, IT IS ALL OVER.

I AM-- I AM PACKING UP ANDGETTING OUT OF THIS COUNTRY AND

MOVING BACK TO SOUTH CAROLINA.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )AND HERE'S WHY--

>> BREAKING NEWS, SENATEDEMOCRATS VOTE TO APPROVE THE

SO-CALLED NUCLEAR OPTIONS.

>> BEFORE THE DEMOCRATS VOTED TOCHANGE THE RULES, THE NUCLEAR

OPTION THROUGH THAT UP, TOTALLYCHANGED THE RULES.

>> THEY CHANGED FILIBUSTER RULESTO END THE 60 VOTE THRESHOLD.

>> Stephen: THEY USED THENUCLEAR OPTION.

THAT WILL GIVE CONGRESSRADIATION BURNS.

( LAUGHTER )TOO LATE!

( LAUGHTER )FOLKS, THAT SCARED THE SOCKS

OFF-- I'LL PACK MY UNDERWEARSUITCASE LATER.

FOLKS, WE HAVE JUST WITNESSTHEDEATH OF AN AMERICAN

INSTITUTION, THE POWER OF THEMINORITY TO FILIBUSTER ANYTHING

THEY DIDN'T LIKE IS ONE OF OURFOUNDING PRINCIPLES.

THAT'S WHY IT'S NOT IN THECONSTITUTION.

( LAUGHTER )IT WAS GOING TO BE, BUT IT GOT

FILIBUSTERD, WHICH SHOWS HOWNECESSARY IT IS, OR ELSE THAT

CRAP WOULD BE IN THECONSTITUTION.

( LAUGHTER )AND JUST LISTEN, JUST LISTEN TO

THE FLIMSY EXCUSE OFFERED BYSENATE MAJORITY DICTATOR HARRY

REID.

>> IN THE HISTORY OF OURCOUNTRY, SOME 230-PLUS YEARS,

THERE HAVE BEEN 160 FILIBUSTERSOF EXECUTIVE AND JUDICIAL

NOMINATIONS.

HALF OF THEM HAVE OCCURREDDURING THE OBAMA ADMINISTRATION.

ONLY 23 DISTRICT COURTNOMINATIONS HAVE BEEN

FILIBUSTERED IN THE ENTIREHISTORY OF OUR COUNTRY, 23.

YOU KNOW WHAT?

20 OF THEM HAVE BEEN IN THE LASTFOUR AND A HALF YEARS.

>> Stephen: HEY, REPUBLICANSWOULDN'T HAVE TO BLOCK THEM IF

OBAMA NOMINATED CONSERVATIVES,LIKE, SAY, REPUBLICAN SENATOR

CHUCK HAGEL.

I MEAN, THAT GUY-- WHAT'S THAT?

THEY FILIBUSTERED HIM, TOO?

WELL, THAT JUST PROVES THEY'REBIPARTISAN.

THEY'LL FILIBUSTER ANYONE OBAMANOMINATES.

( LAUGHTER )AND WE CAN'T TRUST THE DEMOCRATS

WITH ALL THIS POWERS, FOLKS.

THEY CAN'T DO ANYTHING RIGHT.

AT HARRY REID'S PRESS CONFERENCEANNOUNCING THE END OF THE

FILIBUSTER, THEY MISSPELLEDFILIBUSTER WITH TWO "Ls."

( LAUGHTER )THAT SAYS PHILLY-BUSTERS, WHICH

I ASSUME ARE COPS WHO ARRESTFEMALE HORSES.

( LAUGHTER )AND I DON'T EVEN BELIEVE THE

DEMOCRATS ARE REALLY AGAINST THEFILIBUSTER.

BECAUSE THEIR POSTER CLEARLYSAYS THEY'RE AGAIN-STS THIS

SPEM.

BUT THEY NIEWKD IT.

THEY WENT AHEAD AND NIEWKD IT.

WHAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN INWASHINGTON NOW?

SOMETHING?

WE WERE THIS CLOSE TO ACHIEVINGA ZEN-LIKE STATE OF PERFECT

GOVERNMENT NOTHINGNESS.

NOT SINCE BUDDHA HAVE SO MANY

AND FOLKS I HAVE TO TELL YOUIT'S NOT JUST THE SENATE.

I AM SAD TO REPORT AMERICA ISLOSING THE BATTLE AGAINST GAY

MARRIAGE.

THE DISTRICT OF COLUMBIA AND 16STATES HAVE LEGALIZED MAN-ON

MANTWOIMONY INCLUDING JUST LASTWEEK HAWAII.

IT'S ALOA TRADITIONAL VALUES,AND ALOHA, GAY MARRIAGE.

( LAUGHTER )( APPLAUSE )

I WISH I COULD ASSAILANTOPPOSITE.

JUST LAST NIGHT, THE GOVERNMENTOF ILLINOIS SIGNED SAME-SEX

MARRIAGE LEGISLATION INTO LAW.

YOU KNOW WHO'S HAPPY ABOUT THAT?

THEEE BEARS!

WORST OF ALL, WOFERLT OF ALL,OUR MILITARY HAS FALLEN PREY TO

THE HOMOSEXUAL GAY AGENDA.

THREE YEARS AGO THEY DROPPEDDON'T ASK, DON'T TELL.

AT FIRST I FIGURED THE GAYSWOULDN'T WANT TO BE IN THE

MILITARY, THE THE CAMEO IS SOMATCHY-MATCHY.

TURNS OUT GAY PEOPLE HAVE SOMESORT OF SICK FETISH FOR SERVING

THEIR COUNTRY AND NOW THEY'RECASHING IN ON THOSE SWEET

BENEFITS.

JUST ASK SECRETARY OF DEFENSEAND MAN WHO WAS CRYING JUST

BEFORE YOU WALKED IN, CHUCKHAGEL.

>> WHEN THE SUPREME COURT ISSUEDITS DECISION ON THE DEFENSE OF

MARRIAGE ACT THIS SUMMER, THEDEPARTMENT OF DEFENSE

IMMEDIATELY BEGAN WORKING ONPROVIDING SAME BENEFITS, SAME

BENEFITS TO ALL ELIGIBLESPOUSES, REGARDLESS OF SEXUAL

ORIENTATION.

WE DID IT BECAUSE EVERYONE WHOSERVES OUR COUNTRY IN UNIFORM,

EVERYONE IN THIS COUNTRY, SHOULDRECEIVE ALL THE BENEFITS THEY

DESERVE AND THEY'VE EARNED.

>> Stephen: FOLKS, THESEBENEFITS JUST ENCOURAGE THE

DESTRUCTIVE GAY HOOK-UP CULTURE.

MEETING YOUR SPOUSE IN SOMEWINDOWLESS BACK ROOM TO PROVIDE

HOT, SWEATY DENTAL COVERAGE.

THANKFULLY, ONE BRAVE STATE,OKLAHOMA, IS FIGHTING TO REMAIN

OKLA-HETERO.

ITS CONSTITUTION ALREADY BANSSAME-SEX MARRIAGE.

OTHERWISE, OKLAHOMA WOULD BE AGAY MECCA.

THINK OF ALL THE THINGS THEYHAVE TO OFFER THE GAYS-- THE

MUSICAL...

THAT'S IT.

( APPLAUSE )SO OKLAHOMA DID THE RIGHT THING

AND TOOK AWAY SOME RIGHTS.

JIM?

>> THE NATIONAL GUARD HASSTOPPED PROCESSING SAME-SEX

COUPLES BENEFITS AFTER GETTINGAN ORDER FROM GOVERNOR MARY

FALLON, DESPITE THE PENTAGON'SANNOUNCEMENT LAST MONTH THAT

SAME-SEX SPOUSES OF MILITARYMEMBERS ARE ELIGIBLE FOR THE

SAME BENEFITS AS STRAIGHTCOUPLES.

>> Stephen: SORRY, L.G.B.T.

CROWD, YOU GOT GREEDY.

IF YOU LET US KEEP DON'T ASK,DON'T TELL, NOBODY WOULD KNOW IF

YOUR SAME-SEX PARTNER WAS GAY.

( LAUGHTER )NOW, ACCORDING TO SOME OBSCURE

THE U.S. CONSTITUTION, DENYINGRIGHTS TO A SPECIFIC MINORITY

GROUP IS ILLEGAL.

SO GOVERNOR FALLON IS ENSURINGTHAT ALL OKLA-HUMANS ARE TREATED

EQUALLY BY ORDERING STATE-OWNEDNATIONAL GUARD FACILITIES TO

STOP PROCESSING ALL MILITARYSPOUSE BENEFITS.

NOW, EVERY OKLAHOMA NATIONALGUARD MEMBER WILL HAVE TO TRAVEL

TO A FEDERALLY RUN FACILITY TOAPPLY FOR BENEFITS.

IN SOME CASES, THAT WOULD BE ANADDITIONAL FOUR-HOUR ROAD TRIP.

IT WILL BE FUN.

YOU CAN PLAY A GAME OF EYE SPYAND ARBITRARY DENIAL OF MY

RIGHTS.

( LAUGHTER )NOW, GOVERNOR FALLON IS SETTING

A GREAT PRECEDENT HERE.

RATHER THAN PROVIDE ANY SERVICESFOR GAY PEOPLE, THE GOVERNMENT

SHOULD REFUSE TO PROVIDE THEMFOR EVERYONE.

BECAUSE ONCE A GAY PERSON GETSSOMETHING, IT GETS THEIR GAY ALL

OVER IT.

( LAUGHTER )THAT'S WHY I THINK WE SHOULD

SHUT DOWN THE FIRE DEPARTMENTS.

IF I FIND OUT THAT FIREFIGHTERSALSO RESCUE GUY PEOPLE,

SUDDENLY, IT WILL SEEM GAY FORME TO HAVE THEIR CALENDAR.

( LAUGHTER )( APPLAUSE )

THAT'S MARCH.

THAT'S MARCH.

THAT'S A GOOD ONE.

AND WHAT ABOUT SCHOOLS?

I'VE HEARD SOME OF THESENEW-FANGLED GAYS ALSO HAVE KIDS

THAT GO TO SCHOOL.

THEY'RE LEARNING THE SAME MATHAS MY KIDS, ALL SO THEY CAN GO

HOME AND COUNT THE NUMBER OFMOMMIES THEY HAVE.

( LAUGHTER )AND, FOLKS, WE WOULDN'T EVEN

HAVE THIS PROBLEM IF GAYSWEREN'T ALLOWED IN THE MILITARY.

SO NO ONE SHOULD BE ALLOWED INTHE MILITARY.

I SAY LET THOSE DRONES DO ALLTHE WORK.

( LAUGHTER )THEY'RE STILL MOKS AWAY FROM

DEVELOPING A SEXUAL PREFERENCE.

BUT ONCE THEY DO, THEY'LL HAVENO PROBLEM CONNECTING WITH THEIR

SOUL MATES OR ANY OF THEIRCOLLATERAL SOUL MATES.

YOU KNOW WHAT?

EVEN THAT MIGHT NOT BE ENOUGH,FOLKS.

BECAUSE GOVERNOR FALLON, I HEARDTHAT GAY PEOPLE IN OKLAHOMA

ENJOY THE CENT OF YOUR FLOWER,THE OKLAHOMA ROSE AS MUCH AS

STRAIGHT PEOPLE DO SHOW YOU CANSHHH ORDER EVERYONE IN YOUR

STATE TO CUT OFF THEIR NOSES TOSPITE THE GAYS BECAUSE YOU'RE

KIND OF DOING IT ALREADY.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).

>> Stephen: THANK YOU VERYMUCH.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

WELCOME BACK, EVERYBODY.

NATION, AS YOU KNOW, THIS IS MYLAST SHOW BEFORE THANKSGIVING.

AND SOMETIMES IT'S HARD TO GETTHROUGH THE HOLIDAY WITHOUT THE

THING YOU'RE MOST THANKFUL FOR--ME.

( LAUGHTER )WHICH IS WHY THIS YEAR, YOU CAN

HAVE STEPHEN COLBERT AS A GUESTAT YOUR THANKSGIVING DINNER.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )ALL YOU HAVE TO DO-- I KNOW,IN,

CALM DOWN, CALM DOWN.

WE'LL GET THERE.

ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS SET APLACE AT YOUR TABLE, PUT YOUR

LAPTOP AT IT, AND FIRE UP THISXCITING NEW DVD, "STEPHENSTEPHEN

COLBERT'S GUESS WHO'S COMING TODINNER?

IT'S ME, STEPHEN COLBERT."

AS YOU CAN SEE -- ( CHEERS )

HERE I AM, DRESSED AS A ROASTTURKEY ENJOYING A DRUM STICK,

BECAUSE NOTHING EVOKES THEHARDSHIP OF THE FIRST COLONIES

LIKE CANNIBALISM.

( LAUGHTER )FOR JUST THREE INCREASING

PAYMENTS OF $39.99, I'LL BE YOURTHANKSGIVING GUEST OF HONOR.

ALL THAT'S LEFT IS TAKE YOURCREDIT CARD NUMBERS AND RECORD

THE DVD, LET'S DO THAT PARTRIGHT NOW.

JIM, COME ON, LET'S DO IT.

>> OKAY, HERE WE GO.

>> Stephen: OH, HI!

THANKS FOR INVITING ME-- INSERTNAME" FAMILY.

BUT BEFORE WE BEGIN, A PRAYER OFTHANKSGIVING.

DEAR LORD, JESUS CHRIST, THE ONETRUE SAVIOR WHO WILL SOME DAY

JUDGE THOSE SITTING AT THISTABLE.

THANK YOU FOR THIS BOUNTY, WHICHWE ARE ABOUT TO TAKE PARTAKE OF.

ALSO THANKS FOR NOT MAKING USINDIANS.

TALK ABOUT A ROUGH RIDE.

AMEN, LET'S EAT.

OKAY!

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )OKAY.

MMM-MMM!

OBOY!

MMM-MMM.

SO TENDER!

YOU WOULD HAVE TO BE AN IDIOT TOBE A VEGETARIAN.

( LAUGHTER )I'M TALKING TO YOU, KAREN.

SURE, SAVING A LOT OF ANIMALS BYNOT EATING THIS DEAD ONE.

OH, OH, OH, GO RUN INTO THEFOREST, LITTLE GUY, BE BRAVE.

AND IS THIS STUFFING IS TO DIEFOR.

NOT THAT UNCLE RICK WOULD KNOWWHAT WITH HIS MADE-UP GLUTEN

ALLERGY.

IF THIS WAS THE OLD DAY, YOUWEAK LINKS WOULD HAVE BEEN WHIP

OUTSIDE OF THE GENE POOL A LOCKTIME AGO LIKE GOD INTENDED.

ALL RIGHT.

MMM-MMMM.

NOW I KNOW I'M NOT SUPPOSED TOTALK LIKE THIS IN FRONT OF THE

RANDOM STRANGER DAD MET AT THESTARBUCKS AND EIN VIETED OVER

BECAUSE HE HAD NOWHERE TO GO.

NOW HE'S GOT SOMEWHERE TO GO,THROUGH EVERYONE'S PURSES.

MARK MY WORDS.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).

HEY, HEY, HEY, I'M SORRY, I'MSORRY!

YOU DON'T HAVE TO YELL, OKAY?

LET'S JUST HAVE A NICE MEAL FORONCE, PLEASE.

ALL RIGHT.

( APPLAUSE )ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.

LOOK, LOOK, LOOK, I'M JUST GOINGTO STAY, ALL RIGHT?

MARX, ARE YOU GAY IN NAN BACK MEUP ON THIS ONE.

HEY, BOB, YOU STILL HAVE THATTEDPAINDMANIAN GUY DOING YOUR LAN.

YOU MIGHT WANT TO SWITCH TOGUATEMALEN.

THEY'RE LIKE STRONGER, MOREGRATEFUL ITALIANS.

CARTER, MADISON, STOP CLANKINGTHE DAMN SILVERWARE.

UNCLE STEPHEN'S TRYING TO DRINK!

( LAUGHTER )I'M FAT.

( LAUGHTER )( APPLAUSE )

OH, MY GOD.

OH, MY GOD.

KAREN, YOUR PIE TASTES LIKEBROWN SPACKLE.

OH, COME ON, KAREN.

STOP CRYING!

IS IT BECAUSE MARK'S GAY?

HE'S NOT CRYING.

WELL, HE WASN'T A MINUTE OKAY.

KNOCK IT OFF, BULDY.

YOU'RE NOT HELPING YOUR CASEANYWAY.

LOOK I'LL CUT TO THE CHASE,EVERYBODY.

I NEED TO BORROW $15,000.

IT'S NOT GAMBLING THIS TIME,OKAY, IT'S FOR AN INVESTMENT,

OKAY.

HERE IT IS.

IT'S AN INVENTION.

IT LOOKS LIKE A PEN BUT ITACTUALLY HOLDS TWO TRIPLE A

BATTERIES, OKAY.

IT'S THE PERFECT THING FOR THENEXT TIME YOU NEED BATTERIES, OR

A-- OR A PEN.

ACTUALLY, SCRATCH THAT.

THE PEN DOESN'T WORK.

IT JUST LOOKS LIKE A PEN.

UNCLE RICK, YOU IN?

HOW ABOUT YOU STARBUCKS GUY?

WHY CAN'T YOU SUPPORT ME FORONCE!

JUST THIS ONE TIME.

I'M SORRY WE CAN'T ALL BEPERFECT,NANA.

IF ANYBODY NEEDS ME I'LL BE INTHE CAR.

HERE'S A BIRD I COOKED FOR YOU.

HEY, HEY.

( APPLAUSE )YOU LIKE THAT?

IS THAT TASTY?

HEY, WHO WANTS SECONDS?

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).

>> Stephen: WELCOME BACK,EVERYBODY.

MY GUEST TONIGHT IS HOLLYWOOD'SHOTTEST DIRECTOR PLEASE WELCOME

J.J. ABRAMS.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )GOOD TO SEE YOU AGAIN, MAN, HOW

ARE YOU?

>> VERY WELL.

>> Stephen: IT'S BEEN A LONGTIME.

THE SQUIRREL'S IN THE BASKET,MAN.

EVERYBODY KNOWS WHO YOU ARE,YOU'RE THE EMMY AWARD-WINNING

MEGADIRECTOR, OF "LOST" "ALIAS"AND NOW YOU'RE DOING THE "STAR

WARS" MOVIE WE'RE NOT GOING TOTALK ABOUT THAT RIGHT NOW, ALL

RIGHT?

I KNOW YOU'RE DRYING DOOIG TOTELL ME WHAT HAPPENS IN THE NEW

"STAR WARS" MOVIE BUT I'M SORRY,I CAN'T DO IT.

NOT YET, NOT YET.

NOW YOU'VE GOT A PROJECT THATREALLY SHOOK ME, J.J.

>> OH, REALLY, HOW SO?

>> Stephen: BECAUSE IT'S ABOOK.

OKAY.

>> YUP.

>> NOT ONLY IS IT A BOOK.

IT'S A BOOK THAT IS I THINKWOULD BE IMPOSSIBLE TO TURN INTO

A MOVIE.

>> YEAH, THE GOAL OF THIS WASNOT TO MAKE A MOVIE.

IT WAS TO CREATE THE BOOK.

THIS IS THE END GAME, WHATYOU'RE HOLDING IN YOUR HAND.

>> Stephen: THAT'S THE PART IDON'T UNDERSTAND.

THIS BOOK IS NOT JUST ANY BOOK.

IT'S A BOOK WITHIN A WEEK.

IT'S A NOVEL THAT YOU CONCEIVEDOF WITH A WRITER NAMED DOUG

DORIS.

>> DOUG DORIS WROTE THE BOOK,DID AN EXTRAORDINARY JOB.

THE IDEA WAS TO TAKE A NOVEL ANDTO SAY WHAT IF SOMEONE LEFT A

NOVEL IN A LIBRARY, A LIBRARYOBAMACARE AN OLD LIBRARY BOOK,

AS IT IS.

>> Stephen: LET ME OPEN THATUP LIKE THAT.

>> AND YOU GET IN THIS SPORTYBLACK CASE, AND YOU TONE UP AND

YOU HAVE A 1949 LIBRARY BOOK ANDIF YOU LOOK IN THE BOOK, YOU SEE

THERE'S WRITING INSIDE IN THEMARGINS.

AND IT'S TWO PEOPLE WHO HAVE METTHROUGH THE BOOK.

THE BOOK BAKES VESSEL OFCOMMUNICATION.

IT'S SORT OF LIKE AN ANALOGTEXTING.

( LAUGHTER )>> THEY'RE WRITING BACK AND

FORTH AND INVESTIGATING THISWRITER, WHO ESSENTIALLY WROTE

THE BOOK.

>> Stephen: OBVIOUSLY, I KNOWWHO B.M. SHROCK IS.

THE BOOK IS SHROKASIAN.

IS HE A REAL PERSON?

>> NO.

>> Stephen: THERE IS A NOVELTHAT IS FAKE.

AND THEN THE PEOPLE WHO AREWRITING TO EACH OTHER ARE ALSO

MADE UP.

SO IT'S ALMOST LIKE IT'S THREESTORIES IN ONE BOOK.

>> IT'S SORT OF A PLAY ON TOP OFA NOVEL.

INSIDE THE BOOK YOU GET ALLTHESE --

>> Stephen: YOU HAVE LITTLEBITSAVE NEWSPAPER IN HERE.

>> LETTERS, A POSTCARD.

>> Stephen: THIS IS AN ACTUALNAPKIN WITH A MAP DRAWN ON IT.

IS THIS A NOVEL OR IS THISEVIDENCE OF YOUR SPIRALING INTO

MADNESS?

( LAUGHTER )THIS IS THE SORT OF THING-- I

HAVE TO SAY, J.J.UE KNOW I'M AFAN-- BUT THIS IS THE SORT OF

THING WHEN THEY FIND THIS INYOUR NEWSPAPERS THEY GO, "OF

COURSE HE KILLED THOSE PEOPLE."

LOOK AT THIS.

>> IT WAS EITHER THAT OR A LOTOF CASH.

THE IDEA WITH THIS BOOK IS-->> IT'S AN OBVIOUS GIMMICK.

THE BOOK IS SORT OF ANEXPERIENCE, BUT WHAT DID DOUG

DID IS RIGHT, AN EXTRAORDINARYBOOK THAT HAPPENS TO ALSO HAVE A

LOT OF WEIRD STUFF STUCK IN THEPAGES.

>> Stephen: YOU CONCEIVED OFTHIS BOOK.

IT ACTUALLY HAS A LIBRARY-- ITHAS A DEWEY DECIMAL CARD.

>> THEY DID AN AMAZING JOB.

>> Stephen: IT'S DESIGNEDLIKE A LIBRARY BOOK.

IT EVEN HAS, LIKE, WHAT ISTHIS--

>> IT'S A CODE WHEEL GLAI CODEWHEEL.

HOLD ON, HOLD ON HELP HOLD ON.

DRINK.

MOREOVALTEEN.

>> THIS IS WHAT HAPPENED.

I WAS AT THE AIRPORT, AND I SAWA PAPERBACK NOVEL --

>> Stephen: BACK WHEN YOUFLEW PUBLIC.

OKAY, GO AHEAD.

( LAUGHTER ).

>> AND THERE WAS THIS PAPERBACKSITTING ON A BENCH BEFORE THEY

WOULD CLOSE DOWN THE AIRPORTBECAUSE THE BOOK-- AND I WENT

OVER, PICKED IT UP, AND IT WAS ALUDLOW NOVEL, AND SOMEONE HAD

WRITTEN INSIDE, WHOEVER FINDSTHIS BOOK, PLEASE READ THE BOOK,

TAKE IT SOMEWHERE AND LEAVE ITFOR SOMEONE ELSE TO FIND IT.

SIGNED JANET.

>> Stephen: GO AHEAD, GOAHEAD, YES.

( LAUGHTER )>> SO I STARTED THINKING WHAT

WOULD HAPPEN IF--( LAUGHTER )

I THOUGHT WHAT WOULD HAPPEN IFSOMEONE-- IT REMINDED ME OF

BEING IN COLLEGE, AND YOU'D SEETHE NOTES PEOPLE WOULD LOAF AND

I THOUGHT WHAT IF THAT BECAME ACONVERSATION BETWEEN PEOPLE.

>> Stephen: THE BOOK CAMEINTO FRUITION BETWEEN AND YOU

DOUG DORIS.

>> HE'S AN AMAZING AUTHOR.

>> Stephen: IS HE AN ACTUALAUTHOR OR IS HE MADE UP, TOO?

>> HE IS.

>> Stephen: I HAVE TO SAY HISAME IS A FAIRLY OBVIOUS AN

ANAGRAM.

COME ON, J.J.

>> HE'S REAL, HE'S REAL.

>> Stephen: ARE YOU READY TOMOVE SOME PAPER?

LET'S MOVE THE PAPER.

WHAT PAGE DOES YODA SHOW UP ON?

>> 38.

NO.

THIS IS NOTHING TO DO WITH"STARWARS" BUT I CANNOT WAIT TO

TALK TO YOU ABOUT "STAR WARS."

>> IT'S SO EARLY.

>> Stephen: IT IS SO EARLY.

YOU'RE DOING THE ""STAR TREK""MOVIES AND YOU'RE DOING "STAR

WARS" NOW.

WHICH GROUP OF FANS SEEMS THEMOST FRIGHTENING WHEN THEY

APPROACH YOU?

WHICH GROUP OF THEM MAKES YOUFEEL LIKE YOU'RE IN A ROOM

WITHOUT ANY DOORS SLOWLY FILLINGWITH SOMEONE ELSE'S NEEDS?

>> NO, I'M GRATEFUL TO ALL -->> Stephen: ALL OF THEM,

REALLY?

ALL OF THEM.

>> Stephen: REALLY, OKAY?

>> SURE.

I FEEL INCREDIBLY LUCKY TO BEINVOLVED WITH THESE THINGS AND

THE FANS ARE WHY WE'RE DOING THEMOVIE.

>> Stephen: I UNDERSTAND.

IS THERE GOING TO BE ANOTHER"STAR TREK" MOVIE?

>> THERE IS GOING TO BE A THIRD,AND THEY'RE WORKING ON IT NOW,

AND THERE WILL BE SOMEONE ELSEDIRECTING IT.

>> Stephen: ARE YOU LOOKINGFOR A SEXY ROMULAN?

A DANCY LADY?

THE GUY WITH THE BIG BUTTFOREHEAD?

>> ARE YOU GOING TO HELP US OUT.

>> Stephen: OF COURSE, OFCOURSE, YOU KIDDING?

>> I'M IN, IF YOU'RE IN.

>> Stephen: I'M IN, BABYDOLL.

J.J. ABRAMS.

THE BOOK IS "S."

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )>> Stephen: THAT'S IT FOR THE

REPORT, EVERYBODY.

GOOD NIGHT!

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) Captioning sponsored by

COMEDY CENTRAL Captioned by

Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org