November 29, 2011 - Tinariwen

  • Episode: 08026
  • (0)

Herman Cain rethinks his candidacy, Pope Benedict XVI gets caught breaking the law, and Malian musical group Tinariwen performs.

>> Stephen: (SCREAMING)

TONIGHT!

HERMAN CAIN'S CAMPAIGN IS ROCKED

AGAIN!

AND IF HIS CAMPAIGN'S A-ROCKING,

DON'T COME A-KNOCKING.

(LAUGHTER)

THEN THE CATHOLIC CHURCH MAKES A

DRAMATIC CHANGE.

THE COLLEGE OF CARDINALS HAS

DROPPED THE PHYS-ED REQUIREMENT.

(LAUGHTER)

AND MY GUEST IS THE MUSICAL

GROUP TINARIWEN FROM A NORTH

AFRICAN NOMADIC TRIBE-- WHICH

MEANS THEY'RE ALWAYS ON TOUR.

(LAUGHTER)

STALIN'S DAUGHTER IS DEAD AT THE

AGE OF 85.

YOUR MOVE, CINDY HITLER.

THIS IS THE "THE COLB

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE).

>> Stephen: WELCOME TO "THE

REPORT."

THANK YOU FOR JOINING US!

(CROWD CHANTING "STEPHEN")

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

THANK YOU, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.

THANK YOU SO MUCH.

YOU KNOW WHAT?

THAT CHANTING WOULD SOUND GREAT

ACCOMPANIED BY SOME GOURD.

NATION, I AM SO GLAD YOU ARE

HERE TONIGHT BECAUSE I DO NOT

WANT TO BE ALONE RIGHT NOW.

(LAUGHTER)

BECAUSE, FRANKLY, MY FAITH IN

WOMAN KIND HAS BEEN SHAKEN.

BECAUSE ONCE AGAIN, A TROUBLED

LADY IS TRYING TO DERAIL THE

HERMAN CAIN TRAIN.

(LAUGHTER)

>> GINGER WHITE, A SINGLE MOTHER

FROM ATLANTA SAYS THAT SHE HAD A

13-YEAR-LONG AFFAIR WITH THE

MARRIED REPUBLICAN CANDIDATE.

>> IT'S ANOTHER CASE OF HE

SAID/SHE SAID.

>> NOW TECHNICALLY I BELIEVE

WE'RE NOW UP TO HE SAID/SHE

SAID/SHE SAID/SHE SAID/SHE

SAID/SHE WAS PAID NOT TO SAY.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

NATION, THIS IS...

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

THIS IS DEVASTATING.

BECAUSE OF THIS, THE FORMER

GODFATHER'S PIZZA C.E.O. IS

CONSIDERING THE UNTHINKABLE.

CAIN SAYS HE'S GOING TO SPEND A

FEW DAYS OFF REASSESSING HIS

CANDIDACY.

WE COULD LOSE HIM!

HERMAN, DON'T YOU LEAVE THIS

ELECTION LOVER'S PIZZA HALF

BAKED.

(LAUGHTER)

I'M SAYING THIS NOT JUST AS A

SUPPORTER BUT AS A BROADCASTER.

I NEED YOU IN THE RACE!

DON'T LEAVE ME WITH HIM!

(LAUGHTER)

HE BRINGS BOARD GAMES!

AND THERE'S NO REASON FOR YOU TO

LEAVE!

A 13-YEAR AFFAIR JUST PROVES YOU

CAN CARRY ON A STABLE

RELATIONSHIP!

(LAUGHTER)

TWO COUNTING YOUR MARRIAGE!

BESIDES, YOU'VE RIDDEN OUT THE

STORM OVER ACCUSATIONS LIKE

THIS: .

>> HE SUDDENLY REACHED OVER AND

HE PUT HIS HAND ON MY LEGS,

UNDER MY SKIRT AND REACHED FOR

MY GENITALS.

HE ALSO GRABBED MY HEAD AND

BROUGHT IT TOWARDS HIS CROTCH.

>> Stephen: THAT'S ROUGH

STUFF.

(LAUGHTER)

BUT THIS NEW WOMAN SAYS THE

AFFAIR WAS CONSENSUAL.

I'D SAY THINGS ARE LOOKING UP.

(LAUGHTER)

I MEAN, COMPARED TO ALL THAT

REACHING FOR THE LADY PARTS LIKE

A DACHSHUND GOING AFTER A BALL

UNDER THE COUCH THESE NEW

ALLEGATIONS SOUND LIKE LEAVE IT

TO... LET'S NOT SAY BEAVER.

(LAUGHTER)

JIM?

>> SHE SAYS HE WOULD FLY HER TO

CITIES WHERE HE WAS SPEAKING AND

LAVISH HER WITH GIFTS.

>> HE MADE IT VERY INTRIGUING.

>> Stephen: GREAT!

THAT'S A PLUS!

IT REMINDS EVERYONE HOW

INTRIGUING HERMAN CAIN IS.

♪ AMERICA... ♪

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

OH, YES.

THAT'S THE STUFF RIGHT THERE.

MR. CAIN, YOU CAN TOTALLY BOUNCE

BACK FROM THIS AND BE THE

FRONT-RUNNER AGAIN BECAUSE IF

THESE ALLEGATIONS PROVE TRUE,

THAT MEANS YOU ARE ONLY ONE

EXTRAMARITAL AFFAIR BEHIND N

GINGRICH!

(LAUGHTER)

NATION, THEY SAY EVERY TIME GOD

CLOSES A DOOR HE OPENS A WINDOW.

THAT'S WHY HEAVEN HAS SUCH HUGE

AIR CONDITIONING BILLS.

(LAUGHTER)

THIS IS YAHWEH OR NO WAY.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

FOLKS, EVERYBODY KNOWS I'M THE

MOST FAMOUS CATHOLIC ON

TELEVISION.

I'M THE ONLY ONE IN LATE NIGHT

WITH HIS OWN CHECKLIST.

I AM BASICALLY THE POPE OF BASIC

CABLE.

SO WHEN SOMETHING HAPPENS IN THE

CATHOLIC CHURCH, EVERYONE IS

WAITING FOR MY IMPRAY MA TOUR,

MY SAT SAT, MY MY DOGGO DOGGARE

PUPSI BITE'EM.

(LAUGHTER)

WELL, ON SUNDAY THE HOLY ROMAN

CATHOLIC CHURCH, THE ONE TRUE

BRIDE OF CHRIST TURNED INTO A

GIRL GONE WILD.

>> CATHOLICS PROBABLY NOTICED

CHANGES DURING MASS.

THE CHURCH IS USING AN ENGLISH

TRANSLATION OF THE RITUAL TEXT

USED FOR CELEBRATING MASS.

>> YES, THEY CHANGED THE WORDS

TO THE MASS.

THEY PUT THE NEW WORDS ON THIS

LITTLE CARD RIGHT HERE.

CAUGHT ME BY TOTAL SURPRISE!

THE CATHOLIC CHURCH IS NOT KNOWN

FOR CHANGING ITS POSITION--

MISSIONARY, BY THE WAY.

(LAUGHTER)

SO THE QUESTION IS ARE THESE

CHANGES TO THE MASS WHAT GOD

WANTS?

YAHWEH OR NO WAY?

NO WAY!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

LISTEN UP... LISTEN UP, CATHOLIC

CHURCH.

DO NOTES ME WITH THE LITURGY.

IT IS THE INFALLIBLE WORD OF GOD

WHICH WAS TRANSLATED FROM THE

LATIN WHICH WAS TRANSLATED FROM

THE GREEK WHICH WAS TRANSLATED

FROM THE ARAMAIC WHICH, OF

COURSE, WAS TRANSLATED FROM THE

ORIGINAL ENGLISH.

(LAUGHTER)

BESIDES, DO YOU KNOW HOW LONG IT

TOOK KNOW MEMORIZE ALL THESE

PRAYERS?

IT WAS HARDER THAN MEMORIZING

"WE DIDN'T START THE FIRE."

(LAUGHTER)

"OUR FATHER WHO ART IN HEAVEN,

HALLOWED BE THY NAME.

THY KINGDOM COME, THY WILL BEEN

B DONE, ION SOMETIME, JAMES

DEAN, BROOKLYN'S GOT A WINNING

TEAM, DAVY CROCKETT BUSINESSNY

LAND ELVIS PRESLEY DISNEYLAND."

AMEN.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

AND CHECK THIS OUT.

GET ALOAD OF THESE SO-CALLED

IMPROVEMENTS.

THE NEW NICENE CREED.

THE 1700-YEAR-OLD PROFESSION OF

WHAT ALL CATHOLICS MUST BELIEVE

HAS BEEN TWEAKED.

IT NOW DESCRIBES JESUS NOT AS

THE UNDERSTANDABLE ONE IN BEING

WITH THE FATHER BUT AS CON

CONSUBSTANTIAL WITH THE FATHER.

REALLY?

CONSUBSTANTIAL?

WHAT THE HELL DOES THAT MEAN?

(LAUGHTER)

WE'RE TRYING TO GET INTO HEAVEN

HERE, NOT TAKE THE S.A.T.s!

(LAUGHTER)

AND FOR THE RECORD...

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

AND FOR THE RECORD, CON

CONSUBSTANTIAL IS NOW ISTANBUL.

(LAUGHTER)

FOLKS, I DON'T THINK I'M

OVERSTATING IT.

I DON'T THINK I'M OVERSTATING IT

WHEN I SAY THIS IS THE

SINGLE-BIGGEST SCANDAL EVER TO

HIT THE CATHOLIC CHURCH.

(LAUGHTER)

I CERTAINLY REFUSE TO THINK OF

ANOTHER.

(LAUGHTER)

WORST OF ALL, WITH THESE WEIRD

NEW CHANGES, NOW WHEN I'M IT

ISING IN THE PEW I HAVE TO STOP

AND ACTUALLY THINK ABOUT WHAT

I'M SAYING INSTEAD OF MINDLESSLY

RECITING WORDS WHILE PLAYING

FRUIT NINJA ON MY IPHONE.

NOW, JUST BECAUSE I THINK THE

POPE DROPPED A BALL ON THIS ONE

DOES NOT MEAN I'M NOT ON HIS

SIDE.

I'M A HUGE FAN.

HE'S GOT THE HAIR OF ANDERSON

COOPER AND THE FACE OF AN ANGEL

THAT GOT STUCK IN A FOOD

DEHYDRATOR.

(LAUGHTER)

BUT APPARENTLY NOT EVERYBODY OUT

THERE IS A FAN OF THE POPEST

WITH THE MOSTEST.

SPECIFICALLY HIS BROTHERS FROM

DER FATHERLAND.

JIM?

>> TURNS OUT THE POPE IS NOT

IMMUNE WHEN IT COMES TO SEAT

BELT SAFETY.

A GERMAN CITIZEN FILED A LAWSUIT

AGAINST THE PONTIFF AFTER

SPOTTING THE POPE RIDING IN THE

POPEMOBILE WITHOUT A SEAT BELT.

>> Stephen: HEY, GERMANY, THE

POPE IS INFALLIBLE.

HE DOESN'T HAVE TO OBEY YOUR

STUPID TRAFFIC LAWS.

IF HE WANTS TO DO 100 MILES PER

HOUR BACKWARDS DOWN A ONE-WAY

STREET ON THE SIDEWALK FLASHING

HIS BRIGHTS TEXTING WITH ONE

HAND WHILE HE'S TOKYO DRIFTING

THROUGH A SCHOOL ZONE SCREAMING

"I DON'T GIVE A (BLEEP)" WITH

HIS WINDOWS DOWN AND HIS SYSTEM

UP, THAT IS GOD'S WILL.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

BESIDES, EVERYBODY KNOWS THE

HOLY FATHER HAS A NEED FOR

SPEED.

(LAUGHTER)

HE TRAVELED AT AN AVERAGE RATE

OF SIX MILES AN HOUR.

SO SHOULD THE POPE FASTEN HIS

SEAT BELT?

YAHWEH OR NO WAY?

NO WAY!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THE

POPEMOBILE IS THE SAFEST CAR ON

THE ROAD.

HE DOESN'T JUST HAVE A DASHBOARD

JESUS, IT HAS JESUS IN THE

DASHBOARD.

THE POPE DOESN'T NEED TO WEAR A

SEAT BELT BECAUSE IF THE POPE

GETS IN AN ACCIDENT JESUS

DEPLOYS.

(LAUGHTER)

AND IF THE POPE HAD A LITTLE TOO

MUCH OF THE SACRAMENT, JESUS CAN

TURN THE WINE BACK INTO WATER SO

HE DOESN'T GET A D.U.I . AND

SPEAKING OF ALCOHOL, FOLKS, MY

FINAL JUDGMENT...

(APPLAUSE).

MY FINAL JUDGMENT... THANK YOU.

MY FINAL JUDGMENT INVOLVES A

CONTROVERSIAL NEW BILLBOARD.

>> THE BILLBOARDS CAME DOWN

HOURS AFTER THE ANTI-DEFAMATION

LEAGUE PUBLICLY CALLED THEM

OFFENSIVE.

THE ADS TOUTING THE POLISH

SPIRIT WODKA CLAIMED IT HAD

CHRISTMAS QUALITY AT CHANUKAH

PRICING.

(AUDIENCE REACTS).

>> Stephen: YES.

CHRISTMAS QUALITY, CHANUKAH

PRICING.

NOW, SOME SAY THIS AD IS

OFFENSIVE TO CHRISTIANS AND JEWS

AND MAYBE EVEN MUSLIMS BECAUSE

IF YOU LOOK CLOSELY THAT DOG IS

AN AFGHAN.

(LAUGHTER)

SO IS THIS AD OFFENSIVE.

YAHWEH OR NO WAY?

YAHWEH!

♪ HALL LAY YOU... ♪

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, I AM

PERSONALLY OFFENDED THAT WODKA

CLAIMS THEIR $9 POTATO PEEL

BATHTUB HOOCH IS CHRISTMAS

QUALITY.

CHRISTMAS IS NOT ABOUT GETTING

BLITZED ON VODKA.

IT'S ABOUT GETTING BLITZED ON

EGGNOG.

RUMNOG AND EGG BALLS.

EVERY HOLIDAY HAS ITS OWN

LIQUOR.

WHISKEY IS FOR ST. PATRICK'S

DAY.

TEQUILA IS FOR CINCO DE MAYO AND

ABSINTHE IS FOR MARTIN LUTHER

KING DAY.

TRUST ME, YOU DRINK ENOUGH, AND

YOU WILL HAVE A DREAM.

(LAUGHTER)

AND VODKA IS A RUSSIAN DRINK.

THEIR BIG HOLIDAY ISN'T

CHRISTMAS IT'S EASTER.

AND IT MAKES SENSE BECAUSE IF

YOU DOWN ENOUGH OF THIS SWILL IT

IS GOING TO RI

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE).

>> Stephen: WELCOME BACK,

EVERYBODY.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

OH, SUCH FUN.

FOLKS, MY GUEST TONIGHT ARE A

NORTH AFRICAN REFUGEE BAND-- SO

THEIR LIVING CONDITIONS ARE

SLIGHTLY BETTER THAN MOST

AMERICAN BANDS.

PLEASE WELCOME TINARIWEN.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> Stephen: THANK YOU SO MUCH

FOR JOINING US.

NOW, I'VE GOT TO MAKE

INTRODUCTIONS HERE FIRST.

STARTING OFF WE HAVE OUR OLD

FRIENDS FROM T.V. ON THE RADIO

KIP AND TONDAY.

GOOD TO SEE YOU GUYS.

(APPLAUSE)

KIP, I'M GAD TO SEE YOU'RE STILL

WINNING THE BEARD BATTLE.

(LAUGHTER)

THIS IS LOLA.

>> YES.

>> Stephen: LOLA, YOU WILL BE

TRANSLATING FOR US TODAY.

YOU WILL BE TRANSLATING FOR

TUAMI, RAIN HIM AND YADU,

CORRECT?

>> YES.

>> AND MY PRONUNCIATION IS GOOD?

>> YES.

>> YOU'RE VERY KIND LIARS.

(LAUGHTER).

>> Stephen: NOW YOU ARE IN

TINARIWEN, YES?

>> TINARIWEN, YES.

> Stephen: YOU ARE FROM MALI,.>

CORRECT?

>> UH-HUH.

>> Stephen: HOW DID T.V. ON

THE RADIO HOOK UP WITH NOMADIC

MUSICIANS FROM MALI?

TONDAY?

>> I THINK IT WAS IN CALIFORNIA,

ACTUALLY.

>> Stephen: JUST RAN INTO EACH

OTHER AT A STARBUCKS?

>> YEAH, THERE'S A REALLY

AWESOME DELI IN VENTURA.

WE WERE AT A FESTIVAL TOGETHER,.

>> Stephen: COACH ELLA?

>> COACHELLA, YEAH.

AND WE'VE BEEN IN TOUCH EVER

SINCE AND THEY INVITED US TO BE

ON THEIR NEW RECORD WHICH FELT

REALLY HONORED TO DO.

>> Stephen: NOW THE NEW RECORD

IS CALLED "TASSILI."

LOLA, IF YOU DON'T MIND

TRANSLATING FOR ME HERE.

STEPHEN COLBERT IS A VERY

HANDSOME MAN.

>> Stephen: .

>> (LAUGHS)

(SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE)

(LAUGHTER).

>> Stephen: THANK YOU VERY

MUCH.

>> THEY SAY THEY CAN SEE THAT.

HAD YOU FELLAS EVER HEARD OF

T.V. ON THE RADIO?

>> YES.

(LAUGHTER).

>> Stephen: YES, YES THEY HAD.

>> YOU BEAD SURPRISED AT THE

REACH OF WESTERN CULTURE.

>> I KNOW THE REACH OF WESTERN

CULTURE.

I AM WESTERN CULTURE.

(APPLAUSE)

IS THERE A BIG MUSIC SCENE IN

THE DESERT OF MALI?

(LAUGHTER)

>> YES.

(LAUGHTER)

>> I UNDERSTAND THESE FELLAS

WERE IN QADDAFI'S MILITARY TRAIN

TRAINING CAMP TO TRAIN AS REBELS

IN THE MALI CIVIL WAR.

IS THAT TRUE?

WOULD YOU ASK THAT?

>> HE SAYS THAT FIRST OF ALL

THEY DIDN'T GO THERE JUST TO BE

IN THE QADDAFI ARMY.

THEY WENT THERE... THEY WENT TO

LIBYA TO FIND A BETTER LIFE.

>> I UNDERSTAND.

>> AND THEN HE SAYS SOME OF THEM

THEY WENT TO... THEY WALKED

EVERYWHERE, SOME OF THEM THEY

DECIDED TO GO TO ARMY BECAUSE

THEY DIDN'T HAVE A CHOICE.

THEY DIDN'T... YOU KNOW...

>> Stephen: HAVE A JOB.

>> A JOB.

RIGHT.

THAT WAS THE JOB.

>> Stephen: YOU'VE BEEN

TOURING FOR SICK MONTHS.

WHO ARE SOME WESTERN MUSICIANS

YOU THINK ARE GREAT?

YOU'RE BERBERS, I ASSUME BIEBER.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Stephen: OH, THAT'S VERY

NICE.

SO THIS IS YOUR LAST... THIS IS

YOUR LAST NIGHT BEFORE YOU FLY

BACK TO MALI TOMORROW.

IF I CAN GIVE YOU SOME ADVICE:

DON'T WEAR THIS IN SECURITY.

(LAUGHTER)

YOU DON'T HAVE TO TRANSLATE THAT

ONE.

ALL RIGHT, WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK

WITH A

>> Stephen: HERE TO ROCK THE

GORED WITH "TENERE TAQHIM

TOSSAM" OFF THE ALBUM "TASSILI,"

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, TINARIWEN.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ TENERE TAQHIM TOSSAM ♪

♪ OH, JEALOUS DESERT, WHY CAN'T

YOU SEE YOU ARE A TREASURE

♪ I'VE SEEN THE WORLD, I LOVE

YOU BETTER

♪ OH TENERE, YOU ARE THE

TREASURE OF MY SOUL

♪ OF MY SOUL

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ OH, TENERE, OH JEALOUS DESERT,

WHY CAN'T YOU SEE

♪ YOU ARE A TREASURE, I'VE SEEN

THE WORLD, I LOVE YOU BETTER

♪ OH TENERE, YOU ARE THE

TREASURE OF MY SOUL, OF MY SOUL

♪ YOU ARE THE TREASURE OF MY

SOUL, OF MY SOUL ♪

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ TENERE TAQHIM TOSSAM, TENERE

TAQHIM TOSSAM

♪ TENERE TAQHIM TOSSAM, TENERE

TAQHIM TOSSAM

♪ TENERE TAQHIM TOSSAM, TENERE

TAQHIM TOSSAM

♪ TENERE TAQHIM TOSSAM, TENERE

TAQHIM TOSSAM

♪ TENERE TAQHIM TOSSAM, TENERE

TAQHIM TOSSAM ♪

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> Stephen: THANK YOU SO MUCH!

TINARIWEN, THE ALBUM TASSILI IS

OUT NOW.

>> Stephen: THAT'S IT FOR "THE

REPORT" EVERYBODY BUT BEFORE WE

GO, I WANT TO THANK ONCE AGAIN

MY FANS TINARIWEN FOR BEING HERE

TONIGHT.

THE ALBUM IS CALLED "TASSILI" IT

IS ON SALE ACROSS MALL I RIGHT

NOW.

THEY ARE AVAILABLE FOR BAR

MITZVAHS.

GOOD NIGHT, EVERYBODY.

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