June 4, 2014 - Jonah Hill

  • Episode: 10113
  • (0)

Female hurricanes cause more deaths than male ones, Sherman Alexie discusses the Amazon-Hachette feud, The Report educates the public, and Jonah Hill talks "22 Jump Street."

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

(AUDIENCE CHANTING "STEPHEN!")

WELCOME TO THE REPORT.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

THANK YOU, LADIES ANDGENTLEMEN, GOOD TO HAVE YOU

WITH US.

FOLKS,-- (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

THANK YOU, THANK YOU SO MUCHFOR BEING WITH US TONIGHT.

IT'S GOOD TO HAVE YOU WITHUS, TONIGHT AS ALL NIGHTS,

FOLKS AS A BIT OF A CLOTHESHORSE IT'S MY JOB TO REMIND

YOU OF THE ANNUAL FASHIONDOs AND DON'Ts.

FOR INSTANCE IT IS NOW AFTERMEMORIAL DAY SO YOU ARE

ALLOWED TO WEAR WHITE PANTS.

BUT I DON'T RECOMMEND ITBECAUSE WHAT YOU'RE ABOUT TO

HEAR IS GOING TO MAKE YOU GOTO CODE BROWN. JIM?

>> TODAY MARKS THE BEGINNINGOF THE ATLANTIC HURRICANE

SEASON.

>> THE BEGINNING OF THEATLANTIC HURRICANE SEASON.

>>> HURRICANE SEASON.

>> YES, HURRICANE SEASONSEEMS TO COME EARLIER AND

EARLIER EVERY YEAR BECAUSETHANKS TO GLOBAL WARMING IT

NEVER REALLY ENDS.

(LAUGHTER)BUT HERE'S MY NUMBER ONE

HURRICANE SEASON SAFETY TIP.

IF YOU LIVE ANYWHERE ON THECOAST FROM GALVESTON, TEXAS,

TO WILMINGTON, NORTHCAROLINA, DON'T.

(LAUGHTER)NOW WE'VE JUST FOUND OUT

WE'VE JUST FOUND OUT, FOLKS,WHEN IT COMES TO HURRICANES

THERE IS A NEW NAME FORDANGER.

AND IT'S GIRLY.

>> ACCORDING TO A NEW STUDYRESEARCHERS LOOKED AT MORE

THAN 60 YEARS OF DEATH TOLLSFROM HURRICANES AND THEY

FOUND FEMALE-NAMEDHURRICANES KILLED MORE

PEOPLE THAN THE MALE ONES.

(LAUGHTER)>> Stephen: YES.

OH YES.

WHEN IT COMES TO DESTRUCTION,THE LADY STORM SHATTERED THE

GLASS CEILING-- WELL, THEGLASS EVERYTHING.

(LAUGHTER)ACCORDING TO THE STUDY,

PEOPLE DON'T TAKE HURRICANESAS SERIOUSLY IF THEY HAVE A

FEMININE NAME.

AND NEITHER CONSIDER THEM ASRISKY NOR TAKE THE SAME

PRECAUTION.

HEY, WE'VE ALL BEEN THERE.

I HEAR HURRICANE IRENE ISCOMING, I SAY WOW, SHE

SOUNDS LIKE A LOVELY LADY.

SO I GO OUT TO GREET HER INTHE YARD WITH A BUCKET OF

NAILS.

NEXT THING I KNOW, I'MFLOATING PAST A HIGH SCHOOL

CLINGING TO A BLOATED COWCARCASS.

(LAUGHTER)IT'S THE FLOAT OF SHAME.

(LAUGHTER)THE STUDY EVEN SUGGESTS THAT

CHANGING A SEVEREHURRICANE'S NAME FROM

CHARLEY TO ELOISE COULDNEARLY TRIPLE ITS DEATH TOLL,

WHICH MEANS IF CHARLEYMANSON HAD CHANGED HIS NAME

TO ELOISE MANSON, HE WOULD HAVEBEEN THREE TIMES AS

HOMICIDAL.

BECAUSE EVERYBODY TRUSTS ANICE LADY WITH A FOREHEAD

SWASTIKA.

NOW FOLKS, THERE ARE PEOPLEOUT THERE WHO THINK THIS IS

PURE SEXISM REFLECTING ADEEP NEED FOR FROM MEANINGFUL

SOCIAL CHANGE, WHATEVER.

BUT IN THE MEANTIME I SAY WECAN USE THIS BIAS TO KEEP US

ALL SAFE THIS YEAR BY MAKINGEVERY STORM SOUND AS BAD-ASS

AND MASCULINE AS POSSIBLEWITH WEATHER ALERTS LIKE

THIS.

>> THIS SUNDAY, SUNDAY,SUNDAY, THROUGH OCTOBER,

TOBER, TOBER, EL NINOBECOMES A MAN.

AND BRINGS YOU HURRICANE BUTCH MCBALLS BACK-TO-BACK WITH

TROPICAL STORM MAGNUS VANTHUNDER CROTCH, THE CONDO KILLER

YOU'RE NOT GOING TO WANTTO BE THERE.

(LAUGHTER)>> Stephen: AND THAT'S--

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)>> NATION, I'VE ALWAYS BEEN

A HUGE FAN OF AMAZON.

ITS HE THE ONLY PLACE YOUCAN GET ALL YOUR SHOPPING

DONE IN YOUR UNDERWEAR, ATLEAST SINCE THEY

CLOSED CIRCUITCITY. AMAZON SELLS

EVERYTHING, A SCOOBY DOOCHEST SET, A NEON FULL BODY

LYKRA SUIT, A SAMPLER PACK OFKANGAROO JERKY,

A SHED TO HIDE YOUR DISTURBINGAMAZON

PURCHASES FROM YOUR FAMILY.

BUT NOW I'M NOT JUST MAD ATAMAZON, I'M MAD PRIME.

BECAUSE I JUST FOUND OUTTHAT THEY ARE DETERRING

CUSTOMERS FROM BUYING BOOKSBY STEPHEN COLBERT.

AND AS ANY LONG TIME VIEWEROF THIS SHOW KNOWS, THAT'S ME.

THEY'RE FIGHTING WITH MYPUBLISHER HACHETTE AND AMAZON IS

PLAYING HARD COVER.

>> AMAZON SEEMS TO BESTEPPING UP ITS BATTLE WITH

BOOK PUBLISHER HACHETTE,NOW REFUSING ORDERS FOR SOME

UPCOMING HACHETTE BOOKS.

>> AMAZON HAS BEEN ACCUSEDOF USING DIFFERENT TACTICS

TO QUIETLY DETER PUBLISHESFROM BUYING BOOKS FROM

HACHETTE.

>> AMAZON HAS BEEN ACCUSEDFROM RAISING PRICES TO

DELIBERATELY DELAYINGSHIPMENTS.

>> DELAYING SHIPMENTS.

SOMETIMES THREE TO FOURWEEKS.

FOLKS, THAT IS JUST CRUEL.

IF YOU ORDERED HACHETTE'S 21DAY WEIGHT LOSS BY THE TIME

IT ARRIVES, YOU'RE STILLFAT.

(LAUGHTER)AND THIS IS A BIG

BLOW-- IT'S A BIG BLOW TO MYBOTTOM LINE.

BECAUSE AMAZON CONTROLSAROUND 50% OF ALL BOOK

SALES.

THAT'S RIGHT.

30 BOOKS A YEAR!

(LAUGHTER)AMAZON EVEN RELEASED A

STATEMENT ENCOURAGINGCUSTOMERS TO BUY USED COPIES

OF HACHETTE BOOKS FROM OTHERSELLERS.

FOLKS, PUBLISHERS ANDAUTHORS GET NO CASH FROM

USED BOOK SALES.

PLUS, YOU DON'T WANT THEM.

(LAUGHTER)USED BOOKS ARE THE SLUTS OF THE

LITERARY WORLD, PASSED AROUND FROM PERSON TO PERSON,

SPREADING THEIR PAGES FORANYONE, GETTING CHEAPER AND

CHEAPER UNTIL EVENTUALLYTHEY END UP IN PRISON.

(LAUGHTER)AND I AM NOT THE ONLY VICTIM

HERE.

TAKE HARRY POTTER AUTHOR JKROWLING.

AMAZON HAS TAKEN THEPREORDER BUTTONS OFF HER NEW

HACHETTE BOOK THE SILKWORM,A VICIOUS TACTIC BY AMAZON'S

C.E.O. JEFF BEZOS, OR SHOULDI SAY LORD BEZO-MORT.

AND THIS-- THIS HAS PUSHEDME PAST MY TIPPING POINT.

I THINK.

BECAUSE I'M STILL WAITINGFOR MY COPY OF HACHETTE

AUTHOR MALCOLM GLADWELL'S NOVELTHE TIPPING POINT.

I TELL YOU WHAT, AMAZON, IHAVE GOT A LITTLE PACKAGE

FOR YOU RIGHT HERE, OKAY.

THIS PACKAGE IS CARE OF ME,JK ROWLING AND EXPLAINO THE

CLOWN HERE, OKAY.

ALL RIGHT?

IT IS SHIPPED IMMEDIATELYAND A LOT OF PACKAGING, ALL

RIGHT.

AND I THINK YOU'RE REALLYGOING TO LIKE IT.

OH, WAIT A SECOND.

HERE IT.

(APPLAUSE)

OH, WAIT, AMAZON,CUSTOMERS THAT ENJOY THIS

ALSO BOUGHT THIS.

(LAUGHTER)(APPLAUSE)

SO WATCH OUT BEZOS, BECAUSETHIS MEANS WAR.

AND SURE AMAZON MAY HAVE ANARMY OF DRONES BUT HACHETTE

HAS-- WHATEVER A HACHETTE IS.

I'M GOING SAY A TINY FRENCHHACHETTE.

AND HERE TO HELP ME FIGHTBACK IS WINNER OF THE

NATIONAL BOOK AWARD AND THEKEN FAULKNER AWARD MY FELLOW

AMAZON VICTIM SHERMAN ALEXIE,THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR COMING

ON.

>> THANK YOU.

>> GOOD TO SEE YOU.

YOU WANT TO POP SOME BUBBLEWRAP?

>> YEAH.

>> Stephen: ALL RIGHT.

SHERMAN EVERYBODY KNOWSYOU'RE THE AUTHOR OF THE

ABSOLUTELY TRUE DIARY OF APART-TIME INDIAN.

WHY IS AMAZON DOING THIS TOUS?

>> I'M JUST HAPPY TO BEHERE.

IF AMAZON HAD BEEN IN CHARGEOF THE TRAVEL IT WOULD HAVE

TAKEN ME TWO TO FIVE WEEKSTO GET HERE.

>> YEAH, YEAH.

(APPLAUSE)>> THEY'RE DOING BECAUSE

THEY WON A MONOPOLY.

THEY CONTROL 40 TO 50% OFTHE BOOK MARKET AND THEY

WANT MORE.

AND THE ONLY WAY THEY CAN DOTHAT IS BY FORCING THE PRICE

LOWER AND LOWER AND LOWERAND MAKING IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR

MORE AND MORE PUBLISHERS TOPUBLISH THEIR BOOK.

>> IS THIS A GIANT, IS THISA GIANT CREATING MONOPOLY

TRYING TO CRUSH THE LITTLEGUY?

>> NO, IT'S TWO GIANTSFIGHTING EACH OTHER.

HACHETTE IS A BIG CORPORATION. AGIANT CORPORATION BUT--

WHO DO I ROOT FOR THEN?

>> YOU ROOT FOR THE AUTHORS.

YOU ROOT FOR THE AUTHOR,THAT'S YOU.

>> THAT'S ME.

>> WE'RE ROOT FOR EACH OTHER.

BECAUSE I WAS ON MY SIDE BUT IWANTED TO MAKE SURE.

WHAT CAN WE AS THE VICTIMS INTHIS FIGHT, WHAT CAN WE DO

TO FIGHT BACK?

>> NUMBER ONE, YOU DON'TSHOP THERE.

FOR ANYTHING.

>> AT AMAZON.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)>> UNTIL THIS IS SETTLED.

>> UNTIL THIS IS SETTLED BUTTHE FACT IS THAT AMAZON

CONTROLS SO MUCH OF OURWORLD THAT WE DON'T EVEN

KNOW ABOUT.

BECAUSE THEY'RE ON THEINTERNET AND INVISIBLE WE'RE

NOT AWARE OF THEIRNOMINATION.

>> IT'S TOUGHEST ON YOUNGAUTHORS WHO ARE BEING

PUBLISHED FOR THE FIRSTTIME.

>> MUCH IN THE WAY AMAZONHAS CREATED THIS FOR PRE

PUBLICITY, IT'S EVERYTHING.

THE FORTUNES OF A MOVIE AREDETERMINED BEFORE IT'S EVER

SCREENED IN THE THEATRE.

THE FORTUNES OF A BOOK AREDETERMINED BEFORE IT EVER

HITS THE SHELF.

PRE-PUBLICITY AND PRE-SALESDETERMINE THE SUCCESS

OF A BOOK.

>> SO THE FACT THAT LIKEFIRST TIME AUTHORS CAN'T

GET ANY PRESALES OR ORDERSARE DELAYED IS REALLY

HURTING.

>> THE BOOK IS DEAD.

>> OKAY, HERE IS ONE THATYOU RECOMMENDED.

IT'S CALLED CALIFORNIA BYEDAN LEPUCKI, ALL RIGHT, A

GOOD ONE.

>> AN INCREDIBLE BOOK.

IT'S A BOOK SET IN MIDAPOCALYPTIC UNITED STATES

WHERE AN ECONOMIC, SOCIALPOLITICAL APOCALYPSE HAS

HAPPENED AND IT'S A LOVESTORY OF THIS YOUNG COUPLE

WHO ARE TRYING TO SURVIVE.

>> HAVE WE LOST ANY BIGCITIES?

>> LOS ANGELES GOES, AND -->> SO IT'S GOT A HAPPY

ENDING.

>> YES, EXACTLY.

>> OKAY.

SO HERE'S THE DEAL.

RIGHT NOW YOU CAN'TACTUALLY PREORDER THIS ON

AMAZON BECAUSE OF THIS GAMETHEY'RE PLAYING WITH MY

PUBLISHER.

INSTEAD I WANT YOU TO GO TOMY WEBSITE

COLBERTNATION.COM.

WE HAVE GOT A DEAL WITHPOWELL'S BOOKS FROM PORTLAND.

YOU CAN ORDER THIS BOOKTHROUGH MY WEBSITE,

THROUGH-- AND WE'RE GOING TOPROVE THAT I CAN SELL MORE

BOOKS THAN AMAZON.

ALL RIGHT, AND WHEN YOU BUYIT, DON'T FORGET, DON'T

FORGET ALL ALSO MY WEBSITEYOU CAN DOWNLOAD THIS SHEET

OF STICKERS, IT SAYS IDIDN'T BUY IT ON AMAZON.

PEEL IT OFF AND THEN PUT ITRIGHT ON ANY BOOK THAT YOU

ARE READING, OKAY.

AND REMEMBER, IF YOU DON'THAVE ANY STICKER PRINTER

PAPER, YOU CAN ORDER FROMAMAZON.

THEY SELL-- IT'S CHEAP ANDYOU CAN GET IT THE NEXT DAY.

SHERMAN ALEXIE THANK YOU SOMUCH FOR JOINING ME.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)>> SHERMAN ALEXIE,

CALIFORNIA.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

>> Stephen: THANKS SO MUCH.

WELCOME BACK, EVERYBODY,THANKS SO MUCH.

FOLKS, IF YOU WATCH THISSHOW YOU KNOW THAT I DON'T

LIKE TO TOOT MY OWN HORN, ASA CATHOLIC I WAS TAUGHT THAT

SELF-TOOTING IS A SIN.

BUT TONIGHT I'M COMPELLED TOTAKE A MOMENT TO RECOGNIZE

SOMEONE ELSE'S RECOGNITIONOF ME.

JIM?

>> A NEW STUDY SAYS THIS ONEPERSON ON THIS ONE TV SHOW

IS ACTUALLY DOING A BETTERJOB EDUCATING YOU THAN OTHER

NEWS ORGANIZATIONS, WHO ISTHAT?

ANSWER, "THE COLBERTREPORT."

RESEARCHERS FOUND THAT THECOLBERT NATION NOT ONLY THOUGHT

THEY KNEW MORE ABOUT SOMETHINGAS WONKY AS CAMPAIGN-FINANCE

REFORM THAN OTHERS, THEYWERE ACTUALLY RIGHT.

>> Stephen: THAT'S RIGHT.

I DID A BETTER JOB INFORMINGTHE PUBLIC ABOUT

CAMPAIGN-FINANCE REFORM THANEVERY OTHER NEWS

ORGANIZATION AND CNN.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)LONG TIME VIEWERS WILL

FONDLY RECALL THE SUPER PACI SET UP IN 2011, COLBERT

SUPER PAC, YOU KNOW OURMOTTO, MAKING A BETTER

TOMORROW-- TOMORROW.

>> .

>> Stephen: CLOSE.

AND OVER THE COURSE OF TWOYEARS WE REACHED OUR GOAL OF

ME COLLECTING OVER A MILLIONDOLLARS THAT I WAS FREE TO

SPEND IN TOTAL SECRECY.

I'VE GOT A LITTLE SOMETHING INMY THROAT, I'M SORRY.

(LAUGHTER)(APPLAUSE)

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)NOW THE STUDY SAYS THE KEY

TO MY INFORMING YOU WASSETTING UP MY OWN SUPER PAC

BECAUSE YOU GET TO SEE THEPROCESS AS OPPOSED TO A NEWS

SOURCE WHERE THEY JUST WOULDTELL YOU THIS IS THE WAY IT IS

SO LET THAT BE A LESSON TOYOU FOX NEWS.

SHOW, DON'T TELL.

IF YOU WANT YOUR VIEWERS TOHAVE A BETTER UNDERSTANDING

OF YOUR EDITORIAL POSITIONSTHEY NEED TO SEE YOU SUCKING

TED CRUZ'S BALLS.

(LAUGHTER)NATION,-- VERY SALTY, SALTY.

A LITTLE-- I'M GUESSING ALITTLE MYSTIQUE.

NATION, THIS IS AN HISTORICMOMENT FOR THE REPORT.

I HAVE BEEN RANKED THE MOSTINFORMATIVE OF ALL AMERICAN

NEWS ORGANIZATIONS.

AND I'M INCREDIBLY SORRY.

(LAUGHTER)>> BECAUSE WHEN WE BEGAN

THIS SHOW I PROMISED TO FEELTHE NEWS AT YOU FROM MY GUT.

THAT IS WHY I YANKEVERYTHING I SAY DIRECTLY

OUT OF MY ASS BECAUSE IT'STHE SHORTEST DISTANCE

BETWEEN MY GUT AND YOU.

I NEVER INTENDED TO BE ANEDUCATOR.

WHAT'S NEXT, GETTING PAIDLIKE ONE?

OH.

OH.

DOMESTIC AUTOMOBILES.

I LET YOU DOWN, NATION.

CLEARLY I MUST WORK HARDERAT INFORMING YOU LESS.

AND TO DO THAT I HUMBLYBOW MYSELF BEFORE THE

MASTERS.

>> COMING UP NEXT ON NEW DAY,ARE YOU READY?

FOR A PRINCE SELFIE?

>> WHAT VIDEOS DID YOU FORWARDTO YOUR FRIENDS THIS YEAR?

>> THE BABY SQUIRREL IN ACAST. NEED WE SAY ANY MORE?

>> WE'RE GOING TO INTRODUCEYOU TO THE WORLD'S FIRST

BURRITO VENDING MACHINE.

>> COMING UP NEXT RIGHT HEREWHAT YOUR DOG COULD BE DOING

WHEN YOU'RE NOT HOME.

(LAUGHTER)>> Stephen: WOW.

THE BAR OF LOWNESS HAS BEENSET VERY HIGH.

BUT I THINK I GOT IT.

WHEN WE RETURN I WILL SPENDSIX MINUTES READING

QUESTIONS OFF A CARD TO 22JUMP STREET STAR JONAH HILL.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

>> Stephen: WELCOME BACK,EVERYBODY, MY GUEST TONIGHT

IS IN THE NEW MOVIE TWENTY-TWOJUMP STREET.

>> THIS IS B.S. I THOUGHT WEWERE GOING TO ACTUAL COLLEGE

NOT ONLINE COLLEGE. LISTENINGFOR CODED MESSAGES IN LECTURES.

>> WHAT ARE YOU TALKINGABOUT.

>> LOOK AROUND.

THIS IS OUR CITY.

WHAT DO WE WANT TO BE INCOLLEGE FOR.

>> YOU'RE RIGHT. PARTNERS FORLIFE.

>> THE TIDE COMES IN AT10:30 A.M.

THEN IT WILL RETURN TO THESEA.

>> LET'S REPORT.

>> LET'S DO THIS.

TURNED DOWN FOR WHAT ♪♪ TURNED DOWN FOR WHAT

♪ TURNED DOWN FOR WHAT ♪.

>> Stephen: I GOT TO GET AGUN.

PLEASE WELCOME JONAH HILL.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

HEY, JONAH GOOD TO SEE YOU,THANK YOU FOR COMING ON.

>> THEY LOVE YOU.

>> Stephen: THEY LOVE YOU,WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT

THEY'RE LOVING ME TO LOVEYOU.

I'M A LOVE VEHICLE TONIGHT,THAT'S IT.

>> YES.

>> Stephen: ACTOR, WRITER,PRODUCER.

>> YEAH.

>> Stephen: NOMINATED TWICEFOR ACADEMY AWARDS.

>> YEAH.

>> Stephen: FIRST YOURPERFORMANCE IN MONEY BALL

THEN WOLF OF WALL STREET,NEW MOVIE TWENTY-TWO JUMP

STREET, OPENS JUNE 13th.

>> THAT'S RIGHT, FRIDAY THE13th.

SPOOKY, NOT A HORROR MOVIE.

>> Stephen: BEFORE WE GETSTARTED I JUST WANT TO GET

SOMETHING OUT OF THE WAYHERE, THE ELEPHANT IN THE

ROOM.

>> UH-HUH.

>> Stephen: LEARNEDSOMETHING, YOU KNOW,

SOMETHING DISTURBING.

>> UH-HUH.

>> Stephen: RECENTLY.

REVEALED THAT YOU ARE FRIENDSWITH ADAM LEVINE

>> YEAH.

>> Stephen: AND-- WOULD YOULIKE TO APOLOGIZE BECAUSE I

HAVE HAD MOVES LIKE JAGGERIN MY HEAD FOR THREE YEARS

AND SOMEONE NEEDS TO SAYTHEY'RE [BLEEP] SORRY FOR

THAT, ANYTHING TO SAY?

NOPE?

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)>> Stephen: ALL RIGHT, ALL

RIGHT.

>> HE IS A GREAT GUY.

>> Stephen: HE'S A GREAT GUY,ALL RIGHT, I WOULD THINK

TWICE ABOUT THAT.

>> BUT THE SONG IS TOOCATCHY.

>> Stephen: HOW DID YOU MAKETHE CROSS FROM COMEDY TO

DRAMA.

BECAUSE A LOT OF COMEDIANSWANT TO DO THAT OR PEOPLE

WHO DO COMEDY BUT YOU AREONE OF THOSE RARE GUYS,

LIKE YOU'VE DONE SOME GREATCOMEDY AND YOU'VE DONE OSCAR

YOU KNOW, CALIBRE DRAMA.

YOU ARE LIKE DUMPY TOMHANKS.

(LAUGHTER)I MEAN THAT IN THE BEST

POSSIBLE WAY.

>> THAT IS-- THAT IS THEBEST COMPLIMENT I'VE EVER

RECEIVED IN MY LIFE.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)>> I'LL TAKE IT.

NO, I-- I LOVE ALL DIFFERENTKINDS OF FILMS.

I AM NOT, YOU KNOW, I DON'TFEEL FUNNY ALL THE TIME.

I DON'T FEEL SUPER SERIOUSALL THE TIME SO TO ME IT'S

IMPORTANT TO GO BACK ANDFORTH AND REALLY MIX IT UP,

YOU KNOW, TO REALLY-- TOREALLY EXPRESS YOURSELF IN

DIFFERENT WAYS, YOU KNOW.

>> Stephen: UH-HUH, NO, IDON'T.

(LAUGHTER)CAN WE TALK ABOUT SOMETHING

THAT MAKES ME A LITTLE ANGRYAND THAT'S CHANNING TATUM.

>> OKAY.

>> Stephen: BECAUSE I SAWTHE FIRST MOVIE TWENTY-ONE

JUMP STREET, INCREDIBLE.

I SAW THE LATEST MOVIE LASTNIGHT, BECAUSE I'M A SPECIAL

PERSON, I SAW-- TWENTY-TWOJUMP STREET AND IT'S JUST AS

FUNNY, YOU'RE HILARIOUS INIT BUT HE'S HILARIOUS IN IT

TOO, AND THIS IS A PICTUREOF HIM, JIMMY CAN YOU PUT

THAT UP THERE.

IS THAT FAIR?

I THOUGHT AND CORRECT ME IFI'M WRONG I THOUGHT

COMEDIANS BECAMECOMEDIANS --

>> THAT'S AT HIS WEDDING.

>> Stephen: REALLY.

>> NO, I'M JUST KIDDING.

>> Stephen: THAT'S NICE.

I THOUGHT COMEDIANS BECAMECOMEDIANS BECAUSE IN HIGH

SCHOOL THEY WERE LIVING INTHE PRIMORDIAL OOZE, LIKE

SOCIAL SHRUNKEN HOMUNCULUSESWHO TELL JOKES IN

ORDER TO LIFT THEIR HEADINTO THE SOCIAL CIRCLE AND

CRY OUT I AM ALIVE.

>> YES.

>> Stephen: NOTICE ME, LOVEME.

>> WELL.

>> Stephen: WHY WOULD HENEED THAT?

>> I DON'T KNOW, MAN.

>> Stephen: DOES IT MAKE YOUANGRY.

>> NO, NO, I HONESTLY.

>> Stephen: THAT DOESN'TMAKE YOU ANGRY AT ALL?

>> I MEAN-- .

>> Stephen: LOOK AT IT!

(LAUGHTER)>> YEAH, I [BLEEP] HATE IT,

I [BLEEP] HATE IT SO MUCH.

NO, IT'S LIKE-- IT'S CRAZYWHEN YOU WORK WITH SOMEONE

WHO, YOU HIRED HIM, HE WASLIKE I DON'T KNOW HOW TO BE

FUNNY, YOU'RE FUNNY, I'MNOT.

I GO JUST BE HONEST, PLAYTHE CHARACTER AND BELIEVE

WHAT YOU ARE ARE SAYING YOUWILL REALLY FUNNY BECAUSE

WHAT WE ARE WRITING ISREALLY STUPID AND THEY'LL

JUST BELIEVE THESE STUPIDTHINGS YOU'RE SAYING AND

HE DID, AND THEN I WAS LIKE[BLEEP] THIS GUY IS FUNNIER

THAN ME IN THE MOVIE.

I SAW THE FIRST CUT OF THEMOVIE AND I WAS LIKE OH NO.

TOTALLY BACKFIRED ON ME.

>> Stephen: IN THE FIRST MOVIEYOU'RE COPS THAT GO BACK TO

HIGH SCHOOL.

AND THE SECOND ONE YOU ARECOPS THAT GO BACK --

CAN YOU TAKE THAT PICTURE DOWN?I CAN'T CONCENTRATE.

>> NO ONE IS LOOKING AT USRIGHT NOW.

>> I JUST LIKE HE'S IN THECORNER OF MY EYE LIKE-- .

>> Stephen: IS IT TRUE YOUWORKED FOR SCORSESE LIKE

$60,000 FOR WOLF OF WALLSTREET BECAUSE YOU REALLY

WANTED TO WORK WITH HIM.

>> YES, HE'S MY HERO AND ALLI EVER WANTED TO DO WAS WORK

FOR MARTIN SCORSESE,GOODFELLAS IS MY FAVORITE

FILM OF ALL TIME.

WHEN THAT OPPORTUNITY CAMEUP I WOULD HAVE PAID HIM TO

JUST WORK FOR HIM.

I WOULD HAVE SWEEPED THEFLOOR IF HE WANTED ME TOO.

>> Stephen: AM I MOREIMPORTANT TO YOU THAN

SCORSESE BECAUSE I'M PAYINGYOU NOTHING RIGHT NOW.

>> UM, IT'S A TIE.

(APPLAUSE)>> Stephen: JONAH, THANK YOU

SO MUCH FOR JOINING ME.

JONAH HILL, TWENTY-TWO JUMPSTREET, NEXT FRIDAY, JUNE

13th.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

>> THAT'S IT FOR THEREPORT, EVERYBODY.

GOOD NIGHT.

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