April 22, 2014 - George Will

  • Episode: 10092 | 
  • Views: 36,440

The U.S. Postal Service honors gay rights activist Harvey Milk, Stephen examines California's 29th district, and George Will talks "A Nice Little Place on the North Side." 

TONIGHT I GET TOBETTER KNOW A CONGRESSIONAL

DISTRICT IN LOS ANGELES!

I THINK IT'S HAD SOME WORK DONE.

THEN, IT'S EARTH DAY, WHICHMEANS ONLY 29 MORE MINUTES UNTIL

I CAN DUMP PAINT THINNER IN THESTORM DRAINS.

(LAUGHTER)AND MY GUEST, COLUMNIST GEORGE

WILL, HAS A NEW BOOK CELEBRATINGWRIGLEY FIELDS' 100TH BIRTHDAY

AND THE CHICAGO CUBS' 20TH WIN.

(LAUGHTER)THE VATICAN LIBRARY IS

DIGITIZING ITS ARCHIVES.

SO THE NEXT DAN BROWN NOVEL WILLJUST BE ROBERT LANGDON ALONE

WITH AN IPAD.

THIS IS THE COLBERT REPORT!

>> Stephen: HEY!

WELCOME TO THE SHOW, EVERYBODY!

THANK YOU FOR COMING!

(AUDIENCE CHANTING "STEPHEN " )(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

(AUDIENCE CHANTING "STEPHEN " )(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

THANK YOU!

WELCOME TO THE SHOW!

FOLKS, THERE ARE A LOT OF THINGSI WARNED YOU ABOUT OVER THE

YEARS.

THERE ARE SO MANY THINGS TO BEAFRAID OF.

NATION, I'VE WARNED YOU THE GAYSARE HELLBENT ON RUBBING OUR

NOSES IN THEIR LIFESTYLE.

THE NOSE-RUBBING, OF COURSE,VERY BIG IN THE GAY ESKIMO

COMMUNITY.

WELL, LOOK OUT, BECAUSE THE GAYSJUST INFILTRATED ANOTHER BELOVED

INSTITUTION.

>> THE US POSTAL SERVICEUNVEILED ITS ARTWORK FOR A

COMMEMORATIVE STAMP HONORINGHARVEY MILK, THE FIRST OPENLY

GAY ELECTED OFFICIAL FEATUREDON A STAMP.

>> Stephen: A GAY MAN ON ASTAMP?

ANGER!

AND THEY USED SUCH ANUNFLATTERING PICTURE.

JIMMY, CAN YOU FIX THAT?

THAT'S MUCH BETTER.

THAT'S A GOOD LOOKING GUY!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)FOLKS, APPEARING ON A U.S.

POSTAGE STAMP IS A PRESTIGIOUSHONOR TRADITIONALLY RESERVED FOR

OUR GREATEST PRESIDENTS ANDREGIONAL SONGBIRDS.

AND THEY DIDN'T PICK JUST ANYGAY POLITICIAN, LIKE RUTHERFORD

B. HAYES.

OH, METHINKS HE DOTH BEARD TOOMUCH.

NO, THEY WENT WITHSAN FRANCISCO'S HARVEY MILK.

SUDDENLY, IF I WANT TO MAILSOMETHING, I HAVE TO LICK THIS

GUY'S BACKSIDE?

NO!

NO!

WORSE, IF IT'S SELF-ADHESIVE,NOW I'M LICKING HIS FRONT?!

'CUZ MAKE NO MISTAKE, IF IT'SMAIL, I'M LICKIN' SOMETHING!

I'LL SAY IT AGAIN -- ANGER!

OH, HI! I WAS JUST ABOUT TOMAKE MYSELF ONE OF MY WORLD FAMOUS BURRITOS.

I START WITH A HAND-PRESSEDFLOUR TORILLA, AND THEN I FILL

IT WITH A MICROWAVE BURRITO.

THIS TORTILLA WAS MADE BYMISSION FOODS WHOSE TORTILLA

FACTORY IS LOCATED IN THE 76THINSTALLMENT OF MY 434-PART

SERIES...

BETTER KNOW A DISTRICT!

TONIGHT:CALIFORNIA'S 29TH, THE FIGHTIN'

29TH!

THE 29TH IS NESTLED INCALIFORNIA'S SAN FERNANDO VALLEY

AND ALSO CONTAINS PARTS OF LOSANGELES.

THE DISTRICT'S MEDIAN AGE IS32.6, BUT IT TELLS CASTING

DIRECTORS THAT IT JUST TURNED26.3.

THE REGION WAS ORIGINALLY HOMETO A NATIVE AMERICAN TRIBE KNOWN

AS THE TATAVIAM, OR "PEOPLEFACING THE SUN".

WHICH IS WHY THEY WERE ALWAYS SOEASY TO BEAT AT TENNIS.

IN THE LATE 18TH CENTURY,SPANISH EXPLORERS WERE DRAWN TO

THEREGION BY THE PROMISE OF

SUNSHINE, WARM WEATHER, AND EASYACCESS TO THE 405 FREEWAY.

SOME OF THEM ARE STILL STUCK INTRAFFIC.

IN THE 1840S, THE REGIONEXPIERENCED A BRIEF GOLD RUSH,

LEADING THE FIRST SAN FERNANDO.

VALLEY PROSPECTORS TO SAY:(VALLEY GIRL ACCENT...)

"UH MA GOD, LOOK AT THIS GOLD,IT'S, LIKE, TOTALLY GOLDEN."

GOLD!

THE 29TH IS HOME TO THE CLOTHINGBRAND JUICY COUTURE, WHO ARE

KNOWN BOTH FOR THEIR VELOURTRACKSUITS AND THEIR CHARITY

WORK.

TEACHING TEEN-AGED BOYS TO READ.

THE DISTRICT IS HOME TO 46 PORNSTUDIOS, INCLUDING "PINK

VISUAL," FAMOUS FOR SUCH TITLESAS "BUBBLE BUTTS GALORE" AND

"ASIAN SLUT INVASION, VOLUME 3."

I KNOW, ANOTHER SEQUEL.

WHEN IS HOLLYWOOD GOING TO COMEUP WITH AN ORIGINAL SLUT

INVASION IDEA?

SO WHO HAS THE TORTILLAS GRANDESTO REPRESENT THE 29TH?

WHY, IT'S NONE OTHER THANDEMOCRATIC REPRESENTATIVE TONY

CARDENAS, WHOSE PORN NAME, BYTHE WAY, IS LONDON RUBBINTUG.

I SAT DOWN WITH MR. CARDENAS INHIS CONGRESS.

JIM?

CONGRESSMAN, THANKS SO MUCH FORTALKING TO ME TODAY.

>> THANKS FOR HAVING ME.

TELL ME ABOUT THE FIGHTIN'29th.

>> GREAT PLACE, HARD WORKINGFOLKS, BIG MANUFACTURING

COMMUNITY.

BEEN LIVING THERE ALL MY LIFEAND A REPRESENTATIVE FOR 18

YEARS NOW.

>> THERE IS A LOT OF PORN MOVIESMADE IN YOUR DISTRICT.

WHAT NEIGHBORHOOD SPECIFICALLYSHOULD I NOT BUY A COUCH FROM?

>> WOULDN'T BE A GOOD IDEA INANY NEIGHBORHOOD.

>> YOU'RE MEXICAN-AMERICAN,CORRECT?

>> YEAH.

>> Stephen: YOU SPONSORED ARESOLUTION RECOGNIZING HISPANIC

HERITAGE MONTH.

>> YES.

>> Stephen: WHY A WHOLE MONTH?

BECAUSE THERE'S A LOT TO TALKABOUT.

>> Stephen: YOU ALREADY HAVE CINCO DE MAYO AND TACO

TUESDAY. THAT'S EVERY TUESDAY.

>> THAT'S A DIFFERENT THING.

>> Stephen: I DON'T GETWHITE IRISH CATHOLIC MONTH?

WE APPLIED FOR FEBRUARY AND THEYGAVE IT TO THE BLACK GUYS.

>>YOU HAVE ST PATRICK'S DAY.

ONE DAY.

WE GET ONE DAY AND YOU GET AWHOLE MONTH.

WHAT DOES PENDEHO MEAN? I GETTHAT YELLED AT ME A LOT.

>> MAYBE THEY'RE NOT HAPPY WITHWHAT YOU SAID.

>> Stephen: LIKE IRESPECTFULLY DISAGREE WITH YOU?

>> YES.

>> Stephen: I UNDERSTANDYOU'RE THE YOUNGEST OF 11

CHILDREN.

>> I AM.

>> Stephen: I AM AS WELL. CANYOU SAY YOUR

BROTHERS AND SISTERS FAST ANDSEE WHO CAN SAY THEM FASTER?

READY, ONE, TWO, THREE, GO!

(NAMING SIBLINGS AT THE SAMETIME)

(LAUGHTER)>> Stephen: HERE'S THE THING.

YOU'RE THE YOUNGEST OF 11,I'M THE YOUNGEST OF 11.

BUT THE 11 KIDS IN MY FAMILY AREOLD TIMEY IRISH, WHEREAS THE 11

CHILDREN IN YOUR FAMILY -- AND IDO NOT MEAN THIS IN ANY WAY BUT

THE BEST WAY POSSIBLE -- AREKIND OF SCARY GOING TO TAKE OVER

THE COUNTRYISH.

DO YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

>> NOT EVENNISH.

>> Stephen: CAN YOU MEET MEHALFWAY AND SAY YOU UNDERSTAND

WHY I'M SCARED?

>> NO.

>> Stephen: MEET ME HALFWAYAND SAY IT.

>> NO.

>> Stephen: YOU DON'T WANTPEOPLE TO USE THE WORD ILLEGALS.

DO YOU WANT THEM TO BE CALLEDUSURPERS, NOT LEGALS, X-MEN?

IF YOU SAY ILLEGALS, YOU MEANTHEY ARE ILLEGAL PEOPLE. YOU

COULD ALSO NOT HAVE A DRIVER'SLICENSE AND STILL BE "LEGAL."

DO YOU UNDERSTAND?

>> YEAH.

IF YOU DON'T HAVE A DRIVER'SLICENSE AND YOU'RE AN ILLEGAL

THEN YOU'RE STILL ILLEGAL.

IT'S MORE ACCURATE THAT WAY.

>> BUT ILLEGAL GIVES, IN MYOPINION, THE WRONG CONNOTATION.

>> Stephen: WHAT CONNOTATIONDO YOU THINK?

>> THEY THAT THEY'RE ILLEGAL.

>> Stephen: DOING THINGSWRONG?

THEY'RE IN THE UNITED STATESILLEGALLY.

THAT'S ILLEGAL.

ILLEGAL --(PRONOUNCING IN ACCENT)

WAS IT LEGAL FOR THEM TO COMEHERE?

>> NO.

>> Stephen: SO THEY ARE ILL --FINISH THE SENTENCE -- ILLEGAL.

THEY'RE UNDOCUMENTED?

>> THEY LIVED IN A PLACE WHEREMAYBE THEY WERE STARVING OR

COULDN'T TAKE CARE OF THEIRFAMILY.

>> Stephen: OKAY, LET'S MOVEON.

YOU'RE GOING TO KICK CHICKENFROM CHINA OUT OF SCHOOL

CHILDREN'S LUNCHES.

WE DON'T NEED YOUR KIND HERE!

YOU'RE TAKING JOBS AWAY FROMAMERICAN CHICKENS!

DO YOU SEE HOW HYPOCRITICAL YOUARE?

>> NO, I THINK IT'S CONSISTENT.

>> Stephen: HOW DO YOUIDENTIFY A CHICKEN AS BEING

CHINESE? 'THEY ALL LOOK ALIKE.'YOU'RE A RACIST.

>> THEY LABEL THEM AND TELL USWHERE THEY GOT THEM FROM.

>> Stephen: SO YOU'RE FORPUTTING LABELS ON PEOPLE BASED

ON WHERE THEY'RE FROM?

>> ON FOOD, YES.

>> Stephen: FIRST WE'REFEEDING THE POOR KIDS, NOW IT

HAS TO BE UNCONTAMINATED FOOD.

WHERE DOES THE ENTITLEMENT GRABBAG END?

>> IT'S IMPORTANT WHATEVER FOODPEOPLE EAT THEY KNOW WHERE IT

CAME FROM AND IT'S SAFE.

>> Stephen: WHEN DID THESAFETY NET BECOME A HAMMOCK

CONGRESSMAN?

LET'S GO BACK TO SOMETHING YOUWERE TALKING ABOUT BEFORE.

WHAT DO THEY MAKE IN THE 29th OTHER THAN HIGH-QUALITY

PORN?

(DOORBELL)(LAUGHTER)

>> Stephen: DELIVERY?

CONGRESSMAN?

DID YOU ORDER MEXICAN?

>> NO.

>> Stephen: WELL, THEN, IGUESS I'LL JUST LET HIM GIVE IT

TO ME.

TO ME.

WOW.

THAT'S A BIG BURRITO.

BURRITO.

(LAUGHTER)>> Stephen: THANK YOU SO MUCH,

(LAUGHTER)>> Stephen: THANK YOU SO MUCH,

NICE TO TALK TO YOU TODAY.

THANK YOU.

(LAUGHTER)>> Stephen: OKAY, LET'S PUT

CALIFORNIA'S 29th UP ON THEBIG BOARD!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)OOH, LOOKS LIKE FILMING HAS

STARTED ON ASIAN INVASION FOUR.WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

>> Stephen: WELCOME BACK!

THANKS SO MUCH FOLKS!

FOLKS, I WANT TAKE A MOMENT TOWISH YOU ALL A HAPPY EARTH DAY!

OF COURSE, AS EVERY YEAR, THISMORNING I HEADED OUT TO GET MY

TRADITIONAL EARTH DAY TREE.

JUST WALKED INTO THE PARK ANDCUT DOWN THE FIRST ONE I SAW.

BUT DON'T WORRY TREE-HUGGERS.

WHEN EARTH DAY IS OVER, I'LLRELEASE IT BACK INTO THE WILD.

I FEEL ESPECIALLY CLOSE TOMOTHER EARTH ON THIS EARTH DAY,

BECAUSE WE FINALLY HAVE PROOFOUR PLANET DOESN'T LIKE LIBERALS

ANY MORE THAN I DO.

NEWS THE GREENIES ARE NOT GOING TO LIKE TODAY.

A FEDERAL STUDY IS OUT, AND ITSHOWS COSTLY BIO-FUEL MADE FROM

CORN IS ACTUALLY WORSE FOR THEENVIRONMENT IN THE SHORT TERM

THAN STRAIGHT-UP GASOLINE.

LOOKS LIKE ETHANOL MAY NOT BE ASGREEN AS EVERYONE THOUGHT.

ETHANOL MADE FROM CORN RESIDUEMAY ACTUALLY BE MORE HARMFUL TO

THE ENVIRONMENT.

HA! HA!

HARMFUL TO THE ENVIRONMENT.

TRYING TO HELP IS POINTLESS!

YOU SEE, ACCORDING TO THE FIRSTENVIRONMENTAL STUDY, THAT I'VE

ENJOYED READING, MAKING ETHANOLBY REMOVING CORN LEFTOVERS FROM

THE FIELDS COULD ACTUALLY HURTTHE

ABILITY OF SOIL TO ABSORB CARBONDIOXIDE.

AND ABSORBING CO2 IS CRUCIAL TOOUR PLANET'S HEALTH, BECAUSE

THERE'S A 'TON' OF IT IN THE AIRFOR SOME REASON.

THIS STUDY IS THE FINAL NAIL INGREEN ENERGY'S BIODEGRADABLE

COFFIN.

TURNS OUT, EVERYTHING YOUTHOUGHT WAS GOOD FOR THE

ENVIRONMENT IS BAD.

WE ALREADY KNOW WIND POWERSEPARATES MIGRATING GEESE INTO

BIRD PEPPERONI.

SO IT'S ONLY A MATTER OF TIMEBEFORE WE LEARN THAT SOLAR POWER

RELIES ON CLUBBING BABY SEALS,BECAUSE THOSE SHINY PANELS ARE

MADE FROM THE GLEAM IN THEIREYES.

IT'S TIME TO FORGET ABOUT GREENENERGY AND DOUBLE DOWN ON

BLACK ENERGY.

THIS IS THE EARTH DAY WHEN WETAKE OUR PLANET BACK FROM THE

ENVIRONMENTALISTS.

FORGET PLANTING TREES OR PICKINGUP LITTER.

WE SHOULD ALL CELEBRATE LIKE FOXNEWS HOST ERIC BOLLING.

JIM?

>> IT'S AN ANNUAL EVENT.

IN MY HOUSEHOLD, WE OPEN ALL THEWINDOWS AND TURN UP THE HEAT OR

THE AIR CONDITIONING, WHICHEVERIS THE OPPOSITE OF WHATEVER THE

TEMPERATURE IS OUTSIDE AND I.

SPARK UP THE 90,000 BTU BARBECUEAND COOK SOME STEAKS.

>> WAY TO STICK IT TO THEGREENIES, ERIC!

MAN, I'D HATE TO BE THE DUMBASSWHO HAS TO PAY THIS GUY'S

UTILITY BILLS.WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

>> Stephen: WELCOME BACK,EVERYBODY!

MY GUEST IS PULITZER PRIZEWINNING COLUMNIST GEORGE WILL!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)GEORGE!

GOOD TO SEE YOU AGAIN!

THANKS SO MUCH FOR COMING BACK!

NICE TO HAVE YOU ON THE SHOW.

OF COURSE, THERE ARE A FEWPEOPLE OUT THERE WHO DO NOT KNOW

YOU'RE A PULITZER PRIZE WINNINGCOLUMNIST, PUBLISHED OVER 500

NEWSPAPERS WORLDWIDE.

YOU'RE A FOX NEWS CONTRIBUTORNOW.

HOW DO YOU LIKE IT?

>> LOVE IT.

>> Stephen: YOU WORKED ABC FORYEARS, NOW FOX NEWS.

WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE?

>> FOX NEWS IS LIKE GETTING ON ASOUTHWEST AIRLINES PLANE.

EVERYBODY'S HAPPY, AT THE TOP OFTHE HEAP AND FEEL LIKE

INSURGENTS.

>> Stephen: WOW.

THAT'S GREAT.

SOUNDS ALMOST DANGEROUS(LAUGHTER)

YOU HAVE A NEW BOOK CALLED ANICE LITTLE PLACE ON THE NORTH

SIDE, WRIGLEY FIELD AT 100.

WHY WRITE A BOOK ABOUT WRIGLEYFIELD?

YOU'RE A CUBS FAN.

>> YES.

>> Stephen: DO YOU LOVE THECUBS OR IS IT SORT OF AN ABUSIVE

RELATIONSHIP YOU CAN'T GETYOURSELF OUT OF RIGHT NOW?

>> I'M AFRAID IF I STOP, THEY'LLSTART WINNING.

>> Stephen: OH, LIKE THE CUBSARE A SLOT MACHINE THAT YOU'VE

WARMED UP.

>> EXACTLY.

>> Stephen: FOR 106 YEARS.

THEY'VE GOT TO PAY OFFEVENTUALLY.

>> TURNS OUT THEY DON'T.

THEY DON'T HAVE TO.

>> Stephen: FOR THE PEOPLE OUTTHERE WHO HAVE NOT BEEN AT

WRIGLEY FIELD, I USED TO LIVE ONADDISON AT BROADWAY AND IT'S

BEAUTIFUL.

WHAT DO YOU LOVE ABOUT WRIGLEYFIELD?

>> THE SHEER AGE OF IT.

WHEN IT OPENED 100 YEARS AGO ONAPRIL 23rd, 1914, WE KNOW THAT

THERE HAD TO BE CIVIL WARVETERANS IN THE STANDS.

PEOPLE FROM GETTYSBURG, SHILOH,CHANCELLORSVILLE --

>> Stephen: WHY DO WE KNOWTHEY HAD TO BE THERE?

>> IT WAS A REQUIREMENT.

>> Stephen: FOR OPENING GAME?

RIGHT.

>> Stephen: LIKE BAT DAY ORQUARTER BEER, IT'S TAKE A

CIVIL WAR VETERAN HOME DAY?

>> EXACTLY RIGHT.

>> Stephen: SO THE AGE OF ITIS GREAT.

I LOVE THINGS THAT ARE OLD.

I'M CONSERVATIVE, YOU'RECONSERVATIVE.

I DON'T THINK ANYTHING SHOULDEVER CHANGE.

DO YOU THINK THAT WRIGLEYFIELD --

>> THAT MAKES YOU A LIBERAL.

>> Stephen: THAT NOTHINGSHOULD CHANGE?

>> YES.

>> Stephen: I DIDN'T REALIZETHAT.

CONSERVATIVES WANT TO CONSERVETHINGS.

I KNOW YOU'RE A WORD SMITH --BUT WHY DO WANT LIBERALS THINGS

TO STAY THE SAME?

>> IN 1935, SOCIAL SECURITY --DO YOU DRIVE A 1935 CAR?

>> Stephen: NO, I DRIVE ATESLA.

>> I'M SURE YOU DO.

>> Stephen: YEAH, I DO.

DO YOU WATCH A 1935TELEVISION SET?

>> Stephen: NO, A 1935TELEVISION SET, I THINK WAS A

POTATO FIELD.

>> THE SOCIAL SECURITY LIBERALSBELIEVE THINGS SHOULD HAVE GONE

JUST AS IT ALWAYS HAS.

>> Stephen: SO WE SHOULD GETRID OF SOCIAL SECURITY?

>> NO.

>> Stephen: I SHOULD.

AM I MORE OF A CONSERVATIVE THANYOU ARE?

>> YES.

>> Stephen: OKAY.

I WAS TRYING TO LEAD YOU INTO AFIELD WHERE OLD PEOPLE WOULD

SHOOT YOU IN THE HEAD.

WHAT IS IT -- WHEN WAS THE LASTTIME YOU WENT TO A GAME THERE?

>> TWO WEEKS AGO.

>> Stephen: DID THEY WIN?

NOT EXACTLY.

>> Stephen: REALLY?

HOW CLOSE TO WINNING DID THEYCOME?

>> THEY SCORED.

>> Stephen: THEY SCORED?

OH, THAT'S REALLY GOOD.

I LOVE IT THERE.

>> 18 INNINGS IN YANKEE STADIUMA WEEK AGO AND DIDN'T SCORE.

>> Stephen: DO YOU THINKWRIGLEY FIELD, IT'S SUCH A

LOVELY PLACE TO BE.

YOU HAVE THE HAND-LETTEREDSCOREBOARD, THE IVY-COLORED

WALLS, YOU'VE GOT VOMIT ON CLARKSTREET -- DO YOU THINK IF IT

WASN'T SO NICE THAT THE CUBSWOULD WIN MORE?

>> IT IS THE CASE THAT P.K.

WRIGLEY, THE SON OF THE WRIGLEYAFTER WHOM THE BALLPARK IS

NAMED, DECIDED WHEN HE INHERITEDTHE TEAM, THE TEAM IS TERRIBLE,

THE BALLPARK IS BEAUTIFUL, LET'SGET PEOPLE COME TO SEE THE

BALLPARK.

THE GRASS WILL BE SO GREEN ANDTHE IVY SO LUSH AND THE SUNSHINE

SO WARM AND THE BEER SO COLDPEOPLE WON'T CARE WHAT THE

SCOREBOARD SAYS.

AND FOR A WHILE THEY DID THAT.

>> Stephen: AND PEOPLE CARENOW?

>> THEY CARE ENOUGH.

>> Stephen: ARE PEOPLE NOTGOING TO GAMES AT WRIGLEY FIELD

ANYMORE?

>> OH, THEY'RE GOING.

>> Stephen: WHAT IS THEPROBLEM, GEORGE?

>> THE PROBLEM -->> Stephen: WHAT IS THE

PROBLEM?

SOUNDS LIKE IT'S A NICE PLACE TOGO AND SPEND AN AFTERNOON

BECAUSE IT'S ALWAYS BEEN ABOUTGOING AND GETTING DRUNK AND

OCCASIONALLY A BASEBALL GAMEHAPPENS THERE.

IT'S BEEN SINCE 1908 SINCE THEYWON THE WORLD SERIES.

YOU DON'T GO THERE TO WATCHBASEBALL.

YOU GO THERE TO MEET FRIENDS.

>> 1908 IS TWO YEARS BEFORETOLSTOY DIED.

>> Stephen: WAS TOLSTOY AWHITE SOX FAN?

I DON'T UNDERSTAND(LAUGHTER)

>> YOU CAN MEET VERY INTERESTINGPEOPLE AT WRIGLEY FIELD.

THEY HAD A VENDOR THERE WHOTRIED TO CHEAT THE FANS.

HIS NAME WAS JACK RUBINSTEIN.

MOVED TO DALLAS, CHANGED HISNAME TO JACK RUBY AND SHOT LEE

HARVEY OSWALD.

>> Stephen: WAIT A SECOND --IF THE CUBS HAD BEEN A BETTER

TEAM AND GIVEN MORE BUSINESS TOJACK RUBINSTEIN, WE'D KNOW WHO

SHOT KENNEDY?

>> WE KNOW WHO SHOT KENNEDY.

>> Stephen: WAKE UP!

COME ON, GEORGE!

YOU BUY THAT SINGLE BULLETTHEORY?

>> I DO.

>> Stephen: WE JUST GOT FROMWRIGLEY FIELD TO THE KENNEDY

ASSASSINATION.

THAT'S THE COLBERT REPORT"PROMISE.

>>BUT THE CUBS WON THE COLD WAR.

>> Stephen: IF YOU CAN PROVETHE CUBS WON THE COLD WAR, I'LL

PERSONALLY ENDORSE THIS BOOK.

RIGHT NOW.

IT COULD HAPPEN.

>> IN 1919 WILLIAM WRIGLEYBOUGHT CATALINA OFF SOUTHERN

CALIFORNIA.

THE CUBS BEGAN TO TRAIN THERE.

IN '37 A DES MOINES, IOWABROADCASTER KNOWN AS DUTCH

REAGAN DECIDED HE WOULD COVERSPRING TRAINING FOR HIS RADIO

STATION.

TOOK A MOVIE TEST WITH WARNERBROTHERS, BECAME AN ACTOR,

BECAME PRESIDENT OF THE UNITEDSTATES AND WON THE COLD WAR.

THEREFORE, THE CUBS GET CREDITFOR WINNING THE COLD WAR.

(CHEERING)>> Stephen: BY THAT SAME

LOGIC, DID NOT THE CHICAGO CUBSALSO SELL ARMS TO IRAN?

(LAUGHTER)GEORGE WILL, I PERSONALLY

ENDORSE A NICE LITTLE PLACE ONTHE NORTH SIDE, THAT'S THE

COLBERT BUMP, GO GET IT.

WE'LL BE BACK.THANK YOU, GEORGE!

>> Stephen: THAT'S THE REPORT,EVERYBODY!

GOOD NIGHT!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) Captioning sponsored by

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