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November 20, 2014 - Jon Stewart

  • Episode: 11028
  • Views: 73,680

President Obama's amnesty plan outrages Republicans, the world's chocolate supply drops to catastrophic levels, and Jon Stewart discusses his movie "Rosewater." (21:28)

>> Stephen: WELCOME TO THEREPORT EVERYBODY.

THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR JOININGUS.

THANKS, EVERYBODY.

[CROWD CHEERING] THANKS FOR BEING HERE.

THANK YOU FOR YOUR ENERGY

THANK YOU IN HERE OUT THERE ALLAROUND THE WORLD, MR. AND MRS.

AMERICA AND ALL THE SHIPS AT SEA

I WANT TO THANK YOU FOLKS.

I WANT TO THANK YOU FOLKS FORJOINING US ON THIS, ON THIS WHAT

I BELIEVE IS THE LAST DAY OFAMERICA.

[LAUGHTER]THIS IS IT, NATION.

NO, NO, THIS IS IT, DATE WE ALLFEARED WOULD COME, EVER SINCE WE

WERE TOLD IT WOULD COME SEVERALMONTHS AGO HAS COME AT LAST.

[LAUGHTER]BECAUSE TONIGHT AT 8:00 PM

MEXICAN STANDARD TIME.

GENERALISSIMO OBAMA ANNOUNCEDHIS UNILATERAL PLAN TO ALLOW

FOUR MILLION ILLEGAL IMMIGRANTSTO REMAIN IN AMERICA WITHOUT

FEAR OF DEPORTATION.

IT TURNS OUT THIS WHOLE TIMEWE'VE BEEN BUILDING THAT WALL TO

KEEP THEM IN. [LAUGHTER]

[APPLAUSE] SUBMITTED FOR YOUR APPROVAL.

[LAUGHTER] I DO NOT SMOKE.

[LAUGHTER] I DO NOT SMOKE.

[LAUGHTER]BUT FOLKS, THE PRESIDENT'SSPEECH

IS AT 8:00 TONIGHT.

WE ARE TAPING OUR SHOW AT 7:30,SO I DON'T KNOW ONE WORD OF WHAT

HE'S GOING TO SAY.

BUT I DO KNOW THERE'S ONLY ONEWAY TO DESCRIBE IT.

>> IT'S NOT AN EXECUTIVE ORDER,IT'S EXECUTIVE AMNESTY.

>> THE PRESIDENT WILL MOVEFORWARD WITH EXECUTIVE AMNESTY.

>> EXECUTIVE AMNESTY FOR ILLEGALIMMIGRANTS IN THIS COUNTRY.

>> EXECUTIVE AMNESTY.

>> EXECUTIVE AMNESTY.

>> Stephen: OH REGULAR AMNESTYISN'T GOOD ENOUGH FOR BARACK'S

AMIGOS, HIS MUCHACHOS, HISCOMPADRES, NO!

HE HAD TO GIVE THEM EXECUTIVEAMNESTY. THEY GET THEIR OWN

WASH ROOM, FREE WIFI AND HOTTOWELS. FOLKS,

MY GREAT GREAT GRANDFATHER DIDNOT COME HERE FROM IRELAND TO

SEE THIS COUNTRY OVERRUN BYIMMIGRANTS.

HE CAME HERE BECAUSE HE KILLED AGUY.

I MEAN WHAT HAPPENED TO CHECKSAND BALANCES SIR.

THERE'S SUPPOSED TO BE THREEBRANCHES OF GOVERNMENT.

EXECUTIVE, JUDICIAL AND SPITEFUL INERTIA.

BUT APPARENTLY OBAMA HAS JUSTGIVEN HIMSELF A PROMOTION

>> THE EMPEROR IN CHIEF OF THEUNITED STATES IS

GOING TO DECLARE WAR ON THE U.S.CONSTITUTION.

>> Stephen: ALL HAIL BARACKUSMAXIMUS.

WE SHOULD'VE KNOWN HE'S GONE MADWITH POWER. AFTER ALL,

HE APPOINTED HIS HORSE SECRETARYOF STATE

THIS LAWLESS OVERREACH MAKES MEFEAR FOR MY NATION.

I JUST HOPE CALMER HEADS ANDVOICES OF REASON PREVAIL.

OR IF NOT, MAYBE TOM COBURN.

>> THE COUNTRY'S GOING TOGO NUTS BECAUSE THEY'RE GOING TO

SEE IT AS A MOVE OUTSIDE OF THEAUTHORITY OF THE PRESIDENT.

AND IT'S GOING TO BE A VERYDANGEROUS SITUATION.

YOU'RE GOING TO SEE HOPEFULLYNOT, BUT YOU CAN SEE INSTANCES

OF ANARCHY.

YOU COULD SEE VIOLENCE

>> Stephen: HE'S RIGHT. IFOBAMA DOES NOT DEPORT THE

PEOPLE ALREADY HERE I CAN ONLYIMAGINE HOW VIOLENT THE

AMERICAN PEOPLE WILL BE WHENTHEY WAKE UP TO SEE HOW SAME

THINGS ARE. LADIES ANDGENTLEMEN, WE WILL HAVE MORE ON

THIS STORY TWO DAYS AGO WHEN ITALKED ABOUT IT FOR

LIKE 12 MINUTES. ISN'T THATENOUGH.

IT'S THE HOLIDAYS FOR PETE'SSAKE.

NATION, I'M ABOUT TO SCARE YOU

HALF TO DEATH.

SO WHATEVER YOU DO, DON'T WATCHTHIS TWICE.

THIS IS THE THREATDOWN.

FIRST UP LONG TIME VIEWERSOF THE REPORT KNOW THAT I AM A

PERSON. THAT'S WHY MY FAVORITEMAGAZINE IS PEOPLE AND EACH

YEAR IT SHOULDERS THEMONUMENTAL BURDEN OF

DETERMINING THE SEXIEST MANALIVE. IT'S A DELICATE FORMULA

THAT TAKES INTO ACCOUNT JAWLINERUGGEDNESS, AB PACK QUANTITY,

MINIMUM OF 6 - AND MOSTIMPORTANTLY, ALIVENESS

THIS YEAR THE REPUTATION HAS THEPREEMINENT SUPERMARKET IMPULSE

BUY.

>> PEOPLE MAGAZINE HAS NAMED ITSSEXIEST MAN ALIVE FOR 2014 AND

THE HONOR GOES TO AUSTRALIANACTOR CHRIS HEMSWORTH.

HE WAS KNOWN TO MOVIE FANS ASTHE HAMMER WIELDING SUPERHERO

THOR>> Stephen: CHRIS HEMSWORTH.

HOW IS HE THE SEXIEST MAN ALIVE.

HE'S NOT EVEN THE SEXIESTHEMSWORTH ALIVE.

WHICH BRINGS ME TO THREAT NUMBERTHREE, AMERICA'S DECLINING

STANDARDS OF SEXINESS.

THIS HAS TO BE SAID.

FIRST OF ALL AN AUSTRALIAN.

THERE'S NOTHING SEXY ABOUT THEAUSSIES.

YOU CAN'T SEE THEIR ABS BECAUSEOF THE POUCH THEY HAVE IN FRONT.

THIS ISN'T ABOUT THE TITLEGOINGS TO CHRIS HEMSWORTH, IT'S

ABOUT IT NOT GOING TO MATHEWMCCONAUGHEY.

FOLKS, THE LAST TIME I CHECKED,HE'S STILL ALIVE AND AS GOD IS

MY WITNESS, HE IS A MAN.

AND YET SOMEHOW HE HASN'T BEENTHE SEXIEST MAN ALIVE SINCE

2009.

IT'S BEEN NINE YEARS OF BUTTERFACES.

PLUS SEXINESS HISTORIANS WILLSOME DAY MARK THIS EPOCH AS THE

MCCONAUGHEY-SSAINCE.

IMAGINE IF DURING THERENNAISANCE PEOPLE MAGAZINE

HADN'T PUBLISHED THIS COVER.HEY, CROSSBOW TO MY HEAD, SURE.

THIS IS YOUR LAST WARNING PEOPLEMAGAZINE.

YOU HANG IN THERE BIG MAC.

I KNOW THINGS LOOK ROUGH NOW BUTJUST KEEP LIVING AND YOU'LL BE

ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, ALLRIGHT,.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]NEXT UP, I CONSIDER MYSELF A

REAL CHOCOHOLIC.

FOR ME HERSHEY KISSES ARE NOTENOUGH.

I WANT FULL HERSHEY PENETRATION.I DON'T CARE IF IT'S IN THE FORM

OF SYRUP, BAR, TACO OR WHATEVEREXTRUDED POLYMER

TOOTSIE IS. IF IT'S CHOCOLATE,IT GOES IN THE MOUTH

TOOTSIE IS. IF IT'S CHOCOLATE,IT GOES IN THE MOUTH

>> PEOPLE ARE EATING CHOCOLATEFASTER THAN COCOA FARMERS CAN

GROW THEIR CROPS.

WE'RE GOING TO RUN OUT OFCHOCOLATE IN FIVE YEARS.

IT'S GOING TO BE A CHOCOLATESHORTAGE.

WE'RE NOT MAKING ENOUGH OF ITFOR AS MUCH AS WE'RE EATING.

>> Stephen: THAT'S RIGHT.

THE WORLD IS RUNNING OUT OFCHOCOLATE WHICH WOULD EXPLAIN

TODAY'S KATHY CARTOON. FOLKS.

DON'T DO IT, KATHY

DON'T DO IT, SISTER. THIS COCOACATASTROPHE BRINGS ME

TO NUMBER TWO. PEOPLE WHO EATCHOCOLATE WHO AREN'T ME

THIS SHORTAGE IS LARGELY DUETO THE RISING POPULARITY OF DARK

CHOCOLATE WHICH CONTAINS MORECOCOA THAN TRADITIONAL CHOCOLATE

BARS.

OH YES, DARK CHOCOLATE.

IT'S FOR PEOPLE WHO LIKE MILKCHOCOLATE BUT WISHED IT TASTED

LESS GOOD. CREAMY, SWEET ANDDELICIOUS? I'LL PASS, THANKS

BRING ON THE BITTER.

SOON WE MAY RUN OUT OF CHOCOLATECOMPLETELY.

IT WOULD BE THE COCOAGEDDON.HERALDED BY THE 3 MUSKATEERS OF

THE APOCALYPSE. ALL THAT WOULDBE LEFT OF OUR CANDY BARS

IS CARAMEL, NOUGAT, PEANUTSAND CRSIPY WAFERS.

UGH I WOULD RATHER EAT FRUIT

FINALLY FOLKS I ALWAYS LOVEDSTUDYING AMERICAN HISTORY FROM

GEORGE WASHINGTON CHOPPING DOWNTHE CHERRY TREE TO ABRAHAM

LINCOLN CHOPPING DOWN THOSEVAMPIRES.

OVER THE PAST WEEKEND I HEARD AFRIGHTENING CLAIM FROM TURKISH

PRESIDENT AND ELVISH GREETINGRECEP TAYYIP ERDOGAN.

AND WHAT THIS MAN SAID COULDREWRITE AMERICAN HISTORY FASTER

THAN A TEXAS SCHOOL BOARD.

>> THE AMERICAN CONTINENT ISSAID TO HAVE BEEN DISCOVERED BY

COLUMBUS IN 1492. HOWEVER 314YEARS BEFOR COLUMBUS IN 1178

MUSLIM SAILORS REACHED THEAMERICAN CONTINENT.

THAT WAS IN 1178.>> Stephen: WHAT?

MUSLIMS DISCOVERED AMERICA? THATDOESN'T MAKE ANY SENSE.

1178 DOESN'T EVEN RHYME WITHSAIL THE OCEAN BLUE.

BUT FOLKS, AS DISTURBING AS ITIS, IT MAY BE TRUE BECAUSE THE

TURKISH PRESIDENT IS CITING ACHINESE DOCUMENT FROM 1178

CLAIMING MUSLIM SAILORS REACHEDCALIFORNIA.

AS WELL AS A PASSAGE FROMCOLUMBUS' JOURNAL IN WHICH HE

MENTIONS THE EXISTENCE OF AMOSQUE ON A HILL ON THE CUBAN

COAST, WHICH IS ALL THE PROOF INEED.

BECAUSE THE MAN WHO SET OUT FORCHINA, ONLY THE LAND IN THE

BAHAMAS AND DECLARES THE NATIVEPEOPLE INDIANS, NEVER GOT

ANYTHING WRONG.

AND THIS TURKISH --[CROWD CHEERING]

AND THIS TURKISH LACK OF DELIGHTBRINGS ME TO THREAT NUMBER ONE.

MUSLIM INVADERS OF THE NEWWORLD.

FOLKS THESE REVELATIONS MEAN NOTONLY ARE FOREIGNERS SNEAKING

OVER OUR BORDERS THEY'VE BEENDOING IT FOR SIX CENTURIES

LONGER THAN WE'VE HAD BORDERS.

THANKS A LOT 12TH CENTURY OBAMA.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]THIS REVELATION, THIS REVELATION

CALLS INTO QUESTION EVERYTHING IKNOW ABOUT EARLY AMERICAN

HISTORY.

WHAT'S NEXT, ARE PEOPLE GOING TOSAY COLUMBUS DIDN'T FIGHT THE

PILGRIMS AT THE BATTLE OF MIAMI.

IT SADDENS ME SOME PEOPLE WANTTO CHANGE THE BEAUTIFUL STORY OF

AMERICA'S DISCOVERY.

CHRISTIANS I WAS TAUGHT.

LANDED ON THESE PRISTINE SHORESAND WERE WELCOME BY THE NATIVE

PEOPLE. AND THEN WE SPENT THENEXT FIVE

CENTURIES CARRYING OUT A BRUTALCAMPAIGN -- DO YOU

KNOW WHAT LET'S SAY THE MUSLIMSWERE HERE FIRST.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

>> Stephen: WELCOME BACKEVERYBODY. MY GUEST IS THE HOST

OF THE LIBERAL ELITIST DAILYSHOW, AND THE EXECUTIVE PRODUCER

OF THE EMMY AWARD WINNINGCOLBERT REPORT,

PLEASE WELCOME JON STEWART. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

>> Stephen: JON, GOOD TO SEEYOU AGAIN.

[CROWD CHANTING "STEPHEN!"]

IS THAT HOW YOU INTRODUCE THEGUEST EVERY NIGHT?

>> Stephen: EVERY NIGHT.

I SAY IT OVER THERE AND I RUNOVER HERE.

>> SEEMS A LITTLE SELFAGGRANDIZING

>> Stephen: YES>> I JUST DON'T KNOW HOW

SUSTAINABLE SOMETHING LIKE THATWILL BE

>> Stephen: 12 MORE SHOWS, JON>> UNBELIEVABLE

>> Stephen: 12 MORE SHOWS,JON. SAVOR ME.

SAVOR ME LIKE A HERSHEY'S KISS,JON, SOON I'LL BE JUST AS RARE

WELCOME TO MY PARLOR SAID THESPIDER TO THE FLY.

>> OH BOY, ARE YOU GOING TO NAILME? I'VE HEARD ABOUT YOU

YOU'RE NOT GOING TO NAIL ME MYFRIEND.

>> I USED TO BE INSIDE THE BELLYOF THE BEAST.

I USED TO WORK FOR YOU. YOUFORGOT. I REMEMBER THINGS

YOU SAID BEHIND CLOSED DOORSAND TONIGHT I CAN

REVEAL THAT FOR 15 YEARS, I USEDTO BE OVER THERE WITH YOUR

WRITERS AND THEIR OPIUM BONGS.

HOW MANY WRITERS DO YOU HAVE,JON? 50? HOW MANY WRITERS?

>> I'M GOING TO SAY SOMETHINGTO YOU AND YOU KNOW THIS,

BEHIND CLOSED DOORS I ONLY QUOTERABBINICCAL TEXT, YOU KNOW THAT.

THERE IS NO CLOSED DOORS, NOHIDDEN AGENDA, I AM MERELY AN

ARBITER OF BIBLICAL LAW. YOUKNOW THAT, YOU'VE BEEN THERE

IF YOU WANT TO HAVE A TALMUDICDISCUSSION, I'M HAPPY TO HAVE IT

>> Stephen: THERE ARE SCRIBESWRITING DOWN EVERYTHING YOU SAY.

ON VELLUM>> THAT'S RIGHT.

>> AND YOU SAY LET IT BEWRITTEN.

>> THANK YOU. AND I'VE OPENEDEVERY MEETING,

I'VE DONE THIS FOR 16 YEARS.

ON THE ONE HAND.

[LAUGHTER]BUT ON THE OTHER HAND, I DON'T

KNOW. YOU KNOW THAT'S HOW I'VEALWAYS OPERATED.

>> Stephen: NOW AS A LIBERALLION, JON,

AS THE VOICE OF THE LEFT, YOUKNOW MORE YOUNG PEOPLE

GET THEIR NEWS FROM YOU.

>> MOST YOUNG PEOPLE. 87% OF YOUNG PEOPLE FROM ME

MILLENIALS. AND BY THE WAY,

THOSE WHO DON'T GET THEIR NEWSFROM ME FROM THE SHOW, I WILL GO

TO THEIR DORM ROOMS.

I GO INTO THE DORM ROOMS AND IWILL GIVE THEM GENERALLY USUALLY

A SYNOPSIS.

I AM LIKE SANTA.

I COME DOWN THE CHIMNEY OF THELIBERAL DORM ROOM.

>> Stephen: RUN DOWN THE BIGNEWS, HERE'S YOUR DIME BAG AND

OUT YOU GO.

[CROWD CHEERING]>> EXACTLY RIGHT.

YOU HAVE TO.

>> Stephen: IT'S THE DIME BAGBECAUSE YOU'RE ON BASIC CABLE.

>> UNLESS THEY'RE HIGH THE IDEASDON'T SEEP IN BECAUSE.

>> Stephen: YOU WEAKEN THEIRMINDS.

>> WHEN YOU'RE OUT THERE, AND IFI MAY SAY THIS.

>> Stephen: PLEASE.

>> WHEN YOU'RE TRYING TO CHANGETHE WORLD AS WE DO.

>> Stephen: ACTIVATE THEYOUTH VOTE, JON.

THAT'S ONE THING, YOUR ENTIRECAREER WAS TO ACTIVATE THE YOUTH

VOTE.

>> WE TRIED DESPERATELY TRIED TOACTIVATE THE YOUTH VOTE.

>> Stephen: BUT ONLY 21% OF THEYOUTH VOTED IN THE LAST ELECTION

HOW DOES IT FEEL TO KNOW YOURENTIRE CAREER WOULD

JUST AS WELL HAVE BEEN SHOUTEDINTO A SOCK AND THROWN OFF AN

OVERPASS?>> THAT'S UNFAIR.

>> Stephen: YOU HAVE WASTEDYOUR LIFE.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MORE OFTHIS MAN.

>> Stephen: WELCOME BACKEVERYBODY.

I'M HERE WITH MY, I'M HERE WITHMY OLD FRIEND AND NEMESIS, ONE

OLD PIECE OF HUMANITY, MR. JONSTEWART.

NOW JON YOU'VE GOT A NEW MOVIE,IT'S CALLED ROSEWATER, OKAY.

>> YES.

>> Stephen: I'VE SEEN THEFILM AND IT'S A BEAUTIFUL FILM

AND THAT OFFENDS ME.

WHY IS IT THAT YOU CAN DO YOURSHOW, AND I MAY NOT AGREE WITH

YOUR SHOW BUT I THINK YOU DO ITWELL AND YET YOU ALSO ARE NOW

DOING SOMETHING ELSE WELL.

YOU KNOW YOU HAVE TO STAY INYOUR LANE, RIGHT?

YOU HAVE TO STAY IN YOURGESTATION CRATE, ALL RIGHT.

YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO MOVE OUTOF YOUR CRATE.

YOU UNDERSTAND THAT, RIGHT?

>> THAT'S FOR MY OWN SAFETY BYTHE WAY.

>> Stephen: THAT'S RIGHT.

LAST SUMMER YOU BUGGED OUT.

YOU GREW A BEARD AND WENT TOJORDAN.

>> I DIDN'T EVEN GROW A BEARD,THEY GAVE IT TO ME LIKE A LEI

THEY JUST GIVE IT TO YOU.

>> Stephen: THAT'S FANTASTIC.

>> A GENTLEMAN GREETED ME, HEPUT THIS ON AND SAID YOU ARE

FREE TO PART WHATEVER WATERS YOUWANT.

NOW THIS IS THE STORY OF A MANNAMED MAZIAR BAHARI

>> YES AN IRANIAN JOURNALIST.LIVES IN LONDON, WENT TO IRAN

THEY ARRESTED HIM, STEPHEN. IN2009.

THIS IS A STORY ABOUT FREEDOM OFEXPRESSION. AND YET ALSO

HOPEFUL AND OPTIMISTIC

>> Stephen: WE HAVE A CLIPACTUALLY.

LET ME SET THE CLIP UP IF I CAN.>> Stephen: SURE.

>> ALRIGHT, HERE'S THE CLIP. [CROWD CHEERING]

>> WHAT ARE YOU DOING.>> FIGHTING BACK.

>> YOU GOING TO GET KILLED >> WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO?

THEY TOOK MY BOAT.>> IT'S NOT RIGHT!

>> WHO ARE YOU TO SAY? YOU HAVEA REAL WEAPON AND YOU REFUSE TO

USE IT>> SO THAT FOOTAGE THAT YOU SAW

USE IT>> SO THAT FOOTAGE THAT YOU SAW

IS ACTUAL FOOTAGE DURING THE2009, THAT ACTUAL AND AS IT

ROLLS A GENTLEMAN GETS KILLED ONTHE RAMPARTS.

IT'S THE REAL FOOTAGE AND HE WASARRESTED HAVING THAT FOOTAGE UP

LOADED TO THE BBC AND BROADCAST.

>> THIS IS THE REASON THEYARRESTED HIM FOR UPLOADING THAT

FOOTAGE.

>> THAT'S RIGHT.

>> THEY CITED HIM GOING ON THEDAILY SHOW BEING INTERVIEWED.

>> WHEN HE WAS BEINGINTERROGATED THEY PLAYED FOR HIM

A CLIP.

THEY HAD DONE AN INTERVIEW WITHJASON.

IT'S SOMETHING YOU REMEMBER FROMDOING THOSE ARE.

INTERVIEWING HIM HE SAID I'M ANAMERICAN SPY.

AS A SPY I WOULD LIKE TO KNOWCAN YOU TELL ME WHY IRAN'S SO

TERRIFYING.

AND HE GOES THROUGH ALL THEREASONS SAYING WHY AMERICA AND

IRAN ARE NOT SO DIFFERENT.

THEY PLAYED THAT FOR HIM INPRISON AND SAID TO HIM WHY IS AN

AMERICAN SPY TALKING TO YOU IFYOU'RE NOT A SPY.

AND MAZIAR SAID WHY DOES ANAMERICAN SPY HAVE A TELEVISION

SHOW.

AND I BELIEVE IT WENT DOWNHILLFROM THERE.

[LAUGHTER]>> IS THAT NOT AN EVIL THING FOR

IRAN TO HAVE DONE?

>> THE EVIL IS RELATIVELY RARE.

IGNORANCE IS EPIDEMIC.

I WOULD QUALIFIER THAT ASIGNORANT, YET NOT NECESSARILY

EVIL.

AND WITHIN THE FILM WE SHOW ABROAD SWATH OF IRANIAN SOCIETY

TO SHOW HOW COMPLEX AND NUANCEDAND TEXTURED IT ACTUALLY IS.

IRAN IS NOT NOW, I KNOWYOU'VE SPOKEN ABOUT THIS BEFORE

THAT YOU VERY MUCH WANT AMERICATO BE THE ONLY COUNTRY.

AND I HAVE TO TELL YOU ...

>> Stephen: THERE IS AMERICAAND THEN THERE ARE COUNTRIES.

>> I UNDERSTAND THAT.

IT'S AN ADMIRABLE PLAN.

BUT RATHER THAN, AND AGAIN WEHAVEN'T REALLY HAD A CHANCE TO

SIT DOWN AND HASH THIS OUT.

RATHER THAN KILLING EVERYBODYELSE, WHAT IF WE WERE TO COEXIST

WITH THEM IN SOME TYPE OFFASHION.

>> COEXIST LIKE THAT BUMPERSTICKER THAT PEOPLE HAVE.

>> NOT IN A KUMBAYA BUT NOTNECESSARILY BENDING THEM

TO OUR WILL.>> BUT THEY WILL DO WHAT WE SAY.

[LAUGHTER]>> ARE THERE BETTER WAYS OF

DOING THINGS THAN WE DO THINGS.

OR ARE YOU A BLAME AMERICAFIRST.

LET ME ASK YOU THIS.>> WHAT IS IT, STEPHEN?

DO YOU THINK, ARE PEOPLE INIRAN-

[LAUGHTER]>> STEPHEN HOW MANY OF THESE

HAVE YOU DONE. >> THIS IS MY 3,000TH INTERVIEW

FOR ROSEWATER!>> I'M SO GLAD YOU'RE ON MY SHOW

BEFORE THE SHOW IS OVER. THIS ISSO LOVELY

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]JON STEWART.

ROSEWATER. WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

>> Stephen: THAT'S THE REPORTEVERYBODY, GOOD NIGHT.

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