April 10, 2014 - Sting

  • Episode: 10090 | 
  • Views: 336,274

David Letterman announces his retirement, Botox helps treat depression, Bill O'Reilly fights the grievance-industrial complex, and Sting performs "The Last Ship." 

>> Stephen: WELCOME TO THEREPORT, EVERYBODY.

THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR JOININGUS.

THANKS SO MUCH.

>> STEPHEN!

STEPHEN!

STEPHEN!

STEPHEN!

STEPHEN!

STEPHEN!

STEPHEN!

STEPHEN.

>> Stephen: THANK YOU SOMUCH, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )THANK YOU SO MUCH.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, WE'VE GOTTO-- FOLKS, I GOTTA TELL YOU,

ONE QUICK THING, ONE QUICKTHING.

I KNOW WE'VE GOT A BIG SHOW TODO TONIGHT, BUT ONE THING BEFORE

WE GET STARTED, THERE WAS SOMEBIG NEWS LAST WEEK THAT SLIPPED

THROUGH MY NEWS CRACK, AND ITCONCERNS SOMEONE I'VE ADMIRED

FOR YEARS, AND YET SURPRISINGLYIS NOT ME.

I'M TALKING ABOUT DAVIDLETTERMAN, WHO LAST THURSDAY

NIGHT ANNOUNCED HIS RETIREMENT.

AND I AM GOING TO MISS THIS GOODMAN.

DAVE HAS BEEN ON THE AIR MYENTIRE ADULT LIFE, "LATE NIGHT"

DEBUTED MY FIRST YEAR INCOLLEGE.

I LEARNED MORE FROM WATCHINGDAVE THAN I DID FROM GOING TO MY

CLASSES.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).

ESPECIALLY-- ESPECIALLY THE ONESI DID NOT GO TO BECAUSE I HAD

STAYED UP UNTIL 1:30 WATCHINGDAVE.

( APPLAUSE )THIS MAN HAS INFLUENCED EVERY

HOST WHO CAME AFTER HIM, ANDEVEN A FEW WHO CAME BEFORE HIM.

HE'S THAT GOOD.

( LAUGHTER )AND I GOTTA TELL YOU, I DO NOT

ENVY WHOEVER THEY TRY TO PUT INTHAT CHAIR.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )>> STEPHEN!

STEPHEN!

STEPHEN!

STEPHEN!

STEPHEN!

STEPHEN!

STEPHEN!

STEPHEN!>> Stephen: FOLKS, FOLKS,

THOSE ARE SOME HUGE SHOES TOFILL, AND SOME REALLY BIG PANTS.

( LAUGHTER )NATION, WEDDING VOWS ARE

SUPPOSED TO LAST TILL DEATH DOUS PART, BUT WITH TODAY'S

DIVORCE RATE, SADLY, HALF OFMARRIAGES DON'T END IN DEATH.

THIS IS CHEATING DEATH WITHSTEPHEN T. COLBERT, D.F.A.

>> YES, SIR, WHERE'S THE PRETTYLADY?

( LAUGHTER ).

>> Stephen: DEPRESSIONEDITION.

FIRST UP, FOLKS, A DISCLAIMEREYE AM NOT A MEDICAL DOCTOR.

I HAVE AN HONORARY DOCTORATE INFINE ARTS SO I CAN'T CURE YOUR

BLINDNESS, BUT I CAN OPEN YOUREYES TO THE GRAND MINIMALISM OF

RICHARD SERRA'S SCULPTURES.

AS ALWAYS, CHEATING DEATH ISBROUGHT TO YOU BY PRESCOTT

PHARMACEUTICALS.

PRESCOTT: WHERE MALPRACTICEMAKES MALPERFECT.

( APPLAUSE )FIRST NEXT UP, MENTAL HEALTH.

FOLKS, THIS COUNTRY HAS ASERIOUS DEPRESSION PROBLEM.

ACCORDING TO THE WORLD HEALTHORGANIZATION, NEARLY 20% OF

AMERICANS REPORT AN EXTENDEDPERIOD OF DEPRESSION IN THEIR

LIFETIME.

WHILE THE OTHER 80% INSIST THATEVERYTHING IS OKAY.

SHUT UP, DADDY'S DRINKING.

( LAUGHTER )( APPLAUSE )

, AND, SURE, THERE ARETREATMENTS LIKE PROZAC, PAXIL,

AND ZOLOFT, BUT YOU CANNOTINJECT THEM INTO YOUR FACE.

>> BOTOX IS THE MOST POPULARCOSMETIC ENHANCEMENT PROCEDURE

IN THE COUNTRY.

A NEW STUDY SUGGESTS BOTOX COULDALSO BE USEFUL FOR A TREATMENT

OPTION FOR DEPRESSION.

THE THINKING IS FROWNING SENDSNEGATIVE EMOTIONAL SIGNALS TO

THE BRAIN SO INHIBITING THEABILITY TO FROWN WOULD INHIBIT

THE NEGATIVE EMOTIONS.

>> Stephen: FOLKS, WHEN ILEARNED THAT BOTOX CAN CURE

DEPRESSION, YOU SHOULD HAVE SEENTHE EXPRESSION ON MY FACE.

OR ANY EXPRESSION ON THE FACE OFSOMEONE WITH BOTOX.

CHEERING YOU UP BY KILLING YOURFACE WORKS BECAUSE THERE IS A

CIRCUIT BETWEEN THE BRAIN ANDTHE MUSCLES OF FACIAL

EXPRESSION, IN WHICH THE BRAINMONITORS THE EMOTIONAL VALENCE

OF THE FACE AND RESPONDS BYGENERATING THE APPROPRIATE

FEELING.

WELL, OF COURSE, YOUR FACE TELLSYOUR BRAIN HOW IT FEEL.

YOUR FACE-BRAIN IS MUCH SMARTERTHAN YOUR SKULL-BRAIN AND YOU

KNOW THAT'S TRUE BECAUSE MY FACEJUST SAID IT.

THIS PROCEDURE IS NOT ONLYEFFECTIVE, FOLKS.

IT IS FAR LESS INVASIVE THAN THEPREVIOUS COSMETIC TREATMENT FOR

DEPRESSION-- RECONSTRUCTIVESURGERY TO TURN THAT FROWN

UPSIDE DOWN.

THAT GUY LOOKS HAPPY.

FOLKS, THERE'S ONLY ONE DOWNSIDETO THIS MIRACULOUS CURE FOR

DEPRESSION-- BOTOX CAN ALSO MAKEYOU FEEL DEPRESSED BECAUSE YOU

CANNOT SMILE PROPERLY.

WHICH THEN COULD MAKE YOU VERYSAD, BUT FORTUNATELY, YOU CAN

ALSO NO LONGER FROWN.

BUT PRESCOTT PHARMACEUTICALSKNOWS THAT YOUR EMOTIONAL

PROBLEMS GO WELL BEYOND JUSTHAPPINESS AND DEPRESSION.

THAT'S WHY PRESCOTT IS PROUD TOINTRODUCE VACSA-MEH.

BECAUSE WHY PARALYZE YOUR FACEFROM SHOWING EMOTIONS WHEN YOU

CAN PARALYZE THE EMOTIONSTHEMSELVES?

EVERY SYRINGE CONTAINS THE SAMETOXIN AS BOTOX, BUT WITH AN

EIGHT-INCH NEEDLE THAT ALLOWSYOU TO INJECT IT DIRECTLY INTO

YOUR BRAIN.

WHEN YOU FEEL A TINGLING, THATMEANS IT'S WORKING.

WHEN YOU DON'T FEEL ANYTHING ATALL, THAT MEANS IT WORKED.

( LAUGHTER )SIDE EFFECTS OF VACSA-MEH

INCLUDE SEARCH AND SEIZURES.

MALE PATTERN BALDWIN, ANDHIPSTER DYSPLASIA, AND VACSA-MEH

IS 100% GUARANTEED TO WORK, ANDWHEN IT DOESN'T, THERE'S ANOTHER

SOLUTION IN-- MENTAL HEALTH.

BECAUSE THERE IS YET ANOTHERCURE FOR DEPRESSION.

>> BATTLING LONG-TERMDEPRESSION, OXFORD UNIVERSITY

RESEARCHERS TREATED 38 PEOPLEWITH THE DRUG KETAMINE FOR MORE

THAN THREE WEEKS.

30% SAW THEIR DEPRESSIVESYMPTOMS LESSEN.

EIGHT PEOPLE REPORTED FEELINGFREE OF DEPRESSION.

KETAMINE IS ALSO USED AS A HORSETRANQUILIZER

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).

>> Stephen: IT MAKES SENSE.

FOLKS--( APPLAUSE )

IT DOES MAKE SENSE THAT YOUTREAT DEPRESSION WITH A HORSE

TRANQUILIZER BECAUSE EVERY TIMEI SEE A HORSE I SAY, "WHY THE

LONG FACE?"( APPLAUSE )

( LAUGHTER )HE'S ON A SUICIDE WATCH.

( LAUGHTER )LITTLE MEN IN SILK PAJAMAS GET

ON HIS BACK AND MAKE HIM JUMPOVER STICKING WHILE WHIPPING

HIM.

IT'S SAD.

AND THIS VETERINARY DRUG ISN'TJUST USED TO ANIMALS, FOLKS.

IT'S ALSO USED ON PARTY ANIMALS.

>> KETAMINE IS A GENERALANESTHETIC OFTEN USED BY

VETERINARIANS.

WHEN TAPE IN HIGH DOSES AT THECLUB SCENE, USERS SAY THEY FEEL

DETACHED AND ALMOST HALLUCINATE.

>> KETAMINE IS ALSO USED AT THEDRUG SCENE AS A PARTY DRUG.

WE HAVE SOME FOOT OF THECLINICAL TRIALS.

THAT THAT-- THAT WAS THE CONTROLGROUP.

( LAUGHTER )NOW, ACCORDING TO THE STUDY,

KETAMINE TRIGGERS THE RELEASE OFTHE NEUROTRANSMITTER GLUTAMATE

IN THE BRAIN, WHICH STIMULATESTHE GROWTH OF SYNAPSES THAT HAVE

BEEN DAMAGED BY STRESS.

PUT IN LAYMAN'S TERMS, OXFORDUNIVERSITY RESEARCHERS HAVE

DETERMINED THAT DRUGS MAKE YOUFEEL GOOD SO YOU SHOULD TAKE

THEM, WHICH IS WHY PRESCOTT HASREPURPOSED ITS OWN LIQUID

ANTIDEPRESSION PARTY MEDICATION-- VAC DANIELS.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).

( APPLAUSE )VAC-DANIELS COMES IN THIS

PATENTED MEDI BOTTLE, AND ISGUARANTEED TO TEMPORARILY

RELIEVE DEPRESSION, REDUCESOCIAL ANXIETY, AND MAKE YOU

FUNNY, BRAVE, AND SEXY, PLUS ITMAKES OTHER PEOPLE SEEM MORE

ATTRACTIVE.

( LAUGHTER )SIMPLY ADMINISTER VAC-DANIELS

USING THE CUSTOMIZED BIOINDEX.

HOLD UP TWO FINGERS TO THE GLASSTO FIND YOUR PROPER DOSAGE.

( APPLAUSE )FOR SEVERE CASES, DRINK MORE.

( LAUGHTER )( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

CONTINUE TREATMENT WITHVAC-DANIELS UNTIL THE SOURCE OF

YOUR STRESS GOES AWAY.

WHETHER IT BE DEPRESSION, YOURJOB, OR YOUR FAMILY.

( LAUGHTER )SIDE EFFECTS OF VAC-DANIELS

INCLUDE HIGH BALLS, BUDLIGHT LIME DISEASE, AND

DEPRESSION.

WELL, BROUGHT TO YOU BY PRESCOTTPHARMACEUTICALS.

PRESCOTT-- IF IT WALKS LIKE ADUCK AND TALKS LIKE A DUCK

THERE'S BEEN A BREACH FROM THEDUCK CONTAINMENT FACILITY.

APPROACH WITH CAUTION.

THEY HAVE PIRAHNA TEETH. UNTIL NEXT TIME, I'LL SEE YOU INHELL

>> Stephen: WELCOME BACK,EVERYBODY.

THANKS SO MUCH.

NATION, IF YOU'RE A LONGTIMEVIEWER OF THIS SHOW, YOU KNOW

THAT BILL O'REILLY AND I HAVE AMUTUAL APPRECIATION SOCIETY.

I ADMIRE BILL, AND SO DOES HE.

( LAUGHTER )AND PAPA BEAR HAS BEEN ON A HOT

STREAK LATELY.

LAST WEEK I PRAISED HIM FORTAKING ON THE FAR LEFT'S

OBSESSION WITH EQUALITY.

THAT WAS JUST THE BEGINNING OFBILL'S UNIFIED THEORY OF WHY

EVERYTHING IS GOING TO HELL.

>> THE GRIEVANCE INDUSTRYBASICALLY SAYS AMERICA IS NOT A

FAIR NATION, THAT THE DECK ISSTACKED AGAINST MINORITY, WOMEN,

THE POOR, GAYS, ATHEISTS,MUSLIMS-- YOU NAME IT. AND

THE BAD GUYS ARE WHITE MALES,THE REPUBLICAN PARTY.

AND ANYBODY WHO DOESN'T BUY INTOTHE GRIEVANCE INDUSTRY.

>> Stephen: NOW, YOU MAY NOTHAVE HEARD OF THE GRIEVANCE

INDUSTRY, BUT THEY ARE HUGE.

( LAUGHTER )THEY'RE THE ONES WHO MANUFACTURE

THE NATION'S COMPLAINT BOXES,THOSE PEEING CALVINS, AND YAHOO!

COMMENTS.

SO JUST WHEN DID THE GRIEVANCEINDUSTRIAL COMPLEX BEGIN?

>> BACK IN THE LATE 1960s, THEVIETNAM WAR CAUSED A HUGE

DIVISION IN AMERICA.

MILLIONS OF YOUNG PEOPLE DECIDEDTHEIR COUNTRY WAS WRONG FOR

FIGHTING THE WAR IN SOUTHEASTASIA, SO THEY LAUNCHED MASSIVE

DEMONSTRATIONS ALL ACROSS THEU.S.A., AND BUILT UP A CULTURE

BUILT ON ANTIAUTHORITY-- THATIS, THE MAN WHO HAD POWER WAS

BAD.

TO GO ALONG WITH THE POLITICALSTRIFE, THE YOUTH CULTURE

EMBRACED SEX, DRUGS, AND ROCK'N' ROLL, CHANGE THE COUNTRY

FROM TRADITIONAL ATTITUDES TO"IF IT FEELS GOOD, DO IT."

>> Stephen: YEAH, MAN, LET'SDEFY AUTHORITY AND NOT GO TO

VIETNAM.

BECAUSE IT FEELS GOOD NOT TO DIEIN A RICE PADDY.

FAR OUT, DADDYIO, KEEP ONTRUCKING.

SOCK IT TO ME.

GET A JOB.

CUT YOUR HAIR!

YOU SEE, BILL AND I KNOW IT WASCRUCIAL TO FIGHT THAT WAR.

CAN YOU IMAGINE WHAT WOULD HAVEHAPPENED TO AMERICA IF WE HADN'T

GONE TO WAR IN VIETNAM?

THAT MEANS NO FORREST GUMP, AND,THEREFORE, NO BUBBA GUMP SHRIMP

SHACK MAC AND CHEESE, AND I'MSORRY, BUT THAT'S NOT AN AMERICA

I WANT TO LIVE IN.

( LAUGHTER )FOLKS THIS CULTURE OF GRIEVANCE

LIVES ON TODAY.

I MEAN, IF YOU'RE LOOKING FORGRIEVANCE, LOOK NO FURTHER THAN

BILL'S LATEST.

>> RECENTLY, COLBERT MOCKED MEON THE SUBJECT OF INEQUALITY.

ONLY ABOUT 1 MILLION PEOPLEWATCH HIS LATE-NIGHT PROGRAM AT

11:30 BUT HE IS THE DARLING OFTHE FAR LEFT INTERNET WHEN

RHAPSODIZES OVER HIM.

>> Stephen: BILL'S RIGHT--( BOOING ).

>> Stephen: I KNOW,FOLKS I'M NOT HAPPY ABOUT IT BUT

FOR SOME REASON THE FAR LEFTINTERNET LOVES ME.

I'M IN ALL THE HASH TAGS.

FOLKS, IF I THOUGHT-->> STEPHEN!

STEPHEN!

STEVEEB!

STEPHEN!

STEPHEN!

>> Stephen: YOU KNOW YOUPEOPLE ARE THE BLOOD IN MY

VEINS, RIGHT?

FOLKS, IF I THOUGHT-- IF ITHOUGHT FOR EVEN ONE SECOND

SOMETHING I SAID HURT PAPABEAR'S FEELINGS, I, TOO, AM

HURT, AND TO BE HONEST, A LITTLETURNED ON.

( LAUGHTER )NOT THAT BILL WOULD BELIEVE ME.

>> AH, BUT MR. COLBERT IS ADECEIVER.

I STRONGLY BELIEVE IN FIGHTINGFOR EQUALITY, AND ALSO BELIEVE

INSTITUTIONAL BIAS SHOULD BEAGAINST THE LAW.

WHAT I OPPOSE IS GOVERNMENTTRYING TO IMPOSE EQUALITY

BECAUSE EVERY HUMAN BEING ISDIFFERENT.

>> Stephen: BILL, YOU'VE GOTME ALL WRONG.

I AGREE WITH EVERY SINGLE WORDYOU'RE SAYING, EVEN IF THOSE

WORDS DON'T AGREE WITH EACH OTHER

( LAUGHTER )YOU SEE, I ALSO BELIEVE

INSTITUTIONAL BIAS SHOULD BEAGAINST THE LAW, AND AT THE SAME

TIME, BELIEVE THAT GOVERNMENTSSHOULDN'T DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT.

THAT LEAVES, AH-- MAYBE AVOLUNTARY MAKE AI LAW, TAKE AI

LAW TRAY, OR ROAMING GANGS OFVIGILANTE CANNIBAL EQUALITY

BIKERS. OR WE COULD GIVE BILL O'REILLY A HAT

AND BADGE AND LET HIM WANDER THELAND TELLING PINHEADS TO KNOCK

IT OFF, BING, BING, BING.

>> BING, BING, BING.

BING, BING, BING.

BING, BING, BING.

BING, BING, BING.

BING, BING, BING.

>> Stephen: I COULDN'T HAVESAID IT BETTER MYSELF.

>> Stephen: WELCOME BACK,EVERYBODY.

THE ICON WHOSE LATEST PROJECT ISA MUSICAL.

I'M CALLING IT TIKI BOATS.

PLEASE WELCOME STING!

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )>> HEY, THANKS FOR COMING.

WOW!

FANTASTIC!

THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR BEINGHERE.

STING, THANK YOU-- I'M SOEXCITED.

THANK YOU FOR TAKING TIME AWAYFROM CLEANING YOUR GUTTERS, I

GUESS, TO BE HERE.

( LAUGHTER )BUSY TIME OF YEAR FOR THAT.

>> I DIDN'T WANT TO CLASH.

>> Stephen: THANK YOU VERYMUCH.

NOW, EVERYBODY KNOWS YOU.

YOU WERE THE-- YOU KNOW, YOUHAVE HAD A 40-YEAR CAREER IN

ROCK 'N' ROLL.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )I DIDN'T WANT TO AGE YOU.

YOU'VE HAD A 70-YEAR CAREER INROCK 'N' ROLL.

>> YEAH.

>> Stephen: YOU, BENNYGOODMAN, MITCH MILLER-- THOSE

ARE THE ORIGINAL POLICE.

>> GLENN MILLER.

>> Stephen: OKAY, ALL THEMILLERS.

OBVIOUSLY, I'M A HUGE FAN OF THEPOLICE.

I LOVE THE PRO-AUTHORITY MESSAGETHAT NAME SENDS.

( APPLAUSE )LISTEN, BUT YOU'VE GOT A NEW

PROJECT NOW.

>> I DO.

>> Stephen: THAT TAKES YOUBACK TO YOUR CHILDHOOD, THE TOWN

YOU GREW UP IN.

IT'S CALLED "THE LAST SHIP," ANDIT'S A MUSICAL THAT STARTS THIS

SUMMER IN CHICAGO AND THEN COMESTO BROADWAY.

TELL FOLKS ABOUT THE STORY OFTHE LAST SHIP.

>> I WAS BORN IN THE SHADOW IA SHIPYARD IN A LITTLE TOWN ON

THE NORTHEAST COAST OF ENGLAND.

>> Stephen: I THINK WE HAVE APICTURE OF WHAT THE SHIPYARD IS

LIKE.

>> ONE OF MY EARLIEST MEMORIESIS A GIANT SHIP AT THE END OF MY

STREET.

>> Stephen: THERE IT IS.

>> PRETTY SURREAL ENVIRONMENT TOGROW UP IN.

I DIDN'T WANT TO WORK IN THESHIPYARD.

THE SHIPYARD WAS DANGEROUS ANDTOXIC AND PRETTY UNPLEASANT, SO

I DID EVERYTHING I COULD TOESCAPE.

>> Stephen: OKAY.

>> SO I WANTED TO BE A SINGER.

I WANTED TO SING SONGS IN THEWORLD.

I WANTED TO BE PAID EXTRAVAGANTAMOUNTS OF MONEY.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )I WANTED TO BE FAMOUS.

>> Stephen: WHAT MADE YOUTHINK YOU COULD DO THAT?

>> I WAS VERY CONFIDENT AS ACHILD.

ANYTHING BUT WORK IN THESHIPYARD.

>> Stephen: AND WHEN DID THESHIPYARD END?

>> THE SHIPYARD CLOSED IN THE'80s.

>> Stephen: SO IS THISMUSICAL ABOUT THE CLOSING OF THE

SHIPYARD?

>> YEAH.

>> Stephen: IS MARGARETTHATCHER THE HERO.

THATCHER, I'M A HUGE FAN, A HUGEFAN OF HERS.

>> WE'RE NOT A FAN OF MRS.THATCHER.

IT BEGINS IN SOCIAL HISTORY, THESTORY AND THEN IT BECOMES

ALLEGORY.

>> Stephen: I DON'T KNOW WHATTHAT WORD MEANS.

>> I'M NOT SURE I DO.

>> Stephen: ALLEGORY.

YOU ALSO HAVE THE RAIN FORESTBENEFIT COMING UP AT CARNEGIE

HALL, THE 25th ANNIVERSARYOF YOUR RAIN FOREST BENEFIT.

>> THAT'S TRUE.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )>> Stephen: WHAT SIDE OF THAT

WHOLE RAIN FOREST ISSUE DO YOUCOME DOWN ON?

BECAUSE IF WE DIDN'T CUT THOSETREES DOWN, THEY WOULD SWALLOW

OUR CITIES, OKAY.

AT THIS POINT, WE'RE JUSTPLAYING DEFENSE.

SO WHAT'S-- WHAT'S YOUR TAKEHERE ON THAT RAIN FOREST THING?

>> MY INSTINCT IS WE'RE BETTEROFF WITH IT.

>> Stephen: REALLY.

>> THAN WITHOUT IT.

>> Stephen: REALLY?

>> YEAH, JUST AN INSTINCT.

( APPLAUSE )>> Stephen: WHY DO WE NEED

TREES?

WE HAVE PLASTIC NOW.

>> I-- OUR REAL EMPHASIS IS NOTON TREES.

>> Stephen: NO, WHAT'S IT ON?

>> WE'RE TRYING TO MAKE THELIVES OF PEOPLE WHO LIVE THERE

BETTER.

>> Stephen: PEOPLE WHO LIVEIN THE AMAZON?

>> NOT JUST THE AMAZON.

THE TROPICAL FOREST GENERALLY.

THEY'RE BELEAGUERED PEOPLE.

>> Stephen: WHAT DOES"BELEAGUERED" MEAN?

IS THAT LIKE ALLEGORY.

>> UNDER SIEGE.

>> Stephen: WHAT'S IT LIKE TOHAVE ONE NAME?

>> IT'S -->> Stephen: WHY?

>> FANTASTIC FOR SIGNINGAUTOGRAPHS.

>> Stephen: SAVES SO MUCHTIME.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )THIS SUMMER, THIS SUMMER-- LAST

SUMMER, YOU DID A TOUR WHICH IWISH I COULD HAVE SEEP.

IT WAS YOU AND PAUL SIMON.

RIGHT?

>> YES.

>> Stephen: FOR JUST THISSUMMER, WERE YOU STING-FUNKLE?

>> YES.

>> Stephen: STING, THANK YOUFOR BEING HERE.

WOULD YOU DO ONE OF YOUR SONGS?

>> I WOULD LOVE TO.

>> Stephen: STING, THANK YOUSO MUCH FOR BEING HERE.

THE ALBUM "THE LAST SHIP."WE WILL BE RIGHT BACK WITH APERFORMANCE BY STING.

>> Stephen: HERE TO PERFORM ASONG FROM HIS ALBUM AND

BROADWAY-BOUND MUSICAL "THE LASTSHIP," LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,

STING.

♪ IT'S ALL THERE IN THE GOSPELS♪ A MAGDALENE GIRL COMES TO PAY

HER RESPECTS ♪ BUT HER MIND IS AWHIRL WHEN

SHE FINDS THE TOMB EMPTY, THESTONE HAD BEEN ROLLED, NOT A

SIGN OF A CORPSE IN THE DARK ANDTHE COLD. WHEN SHE REACHES

THE DOOR, SEES AN UNHOLY SIGHTTHERE'S THIS SOLITARY

FIGURE IN A HALO OF LIGHT ♪ HE JUST CARRIES ON FLOATING

PAST CAVALRY HILL IN AN ALMIGHTY HURRY

♪ AYE, BUT SHE MIGHT CATCH HIMSTILL

♪ TELL ME WHERE ARE YE GOINGLORD, AND WHY IN SUCH HASTE?

♪ NOW DON'T HINDER ME WOMAN, I HAVE NO TIME TO WASTE.

FOR THEY'RE LAUNCHING A BOAT ON ♪ THE MORROW AT NOON

♪ AND I HAVE TO BE THERE BEFOREDAYBREAK

♪ OH, I CANNOT BE MISSINGTHE LADS WILL EXPECT ME

♪ WHY ELSE WOULD THE GOOD LORDHIMSELF RESURRECT ME?

♪ NOTHING WILL STOP ME.

I HAVE TO PREVAIL THROUGH THETEETH OF THIS TEMPEST IN THE

MOUTH OF A GAIL. MAY THE ANGELSPROTECT ME IF ALL ELSE SHOULD

♪ FAIL WHEN THE LAST SHIP SAILSOH THE ROAR OF THE CHAINS AND

THE CRACKING OF TIMBERS ♪ THE NOISE AT THE END OF THE

WORLD IN YOUR EARS ♪ AS A MOUNTAIN OF STEEL MAKES

ITS WAY TO THE SEA ♪ AND THE LAST SHIP SAILS

AND WHATEVER YOU'RE PROMISED ♪ WHATEVER YOU'VE DONE

♪ AND WHATEVER THE STATION INLIFE YOU'VE BECOME

♪ IN THE NAME OF THE FATHERIN THE NAME OF THE SON

♪ AND WHATEVER THE WEAVE OF THISLIFE THAT YOU'VE SPUN ON THE

EARTH OR IN HEAVEN ♪ OR UNDER THE SUN

♪ WHEN THE LAST SHIP SAILS♪ OH, THE ROAR OF THE CHAINS AND

THE CRACKIN' OF TIMBERS ♪ THE NOISE AT THE END OF THE

WORLD IN YOUR EARS ♪ AS A MOUNTAIN OF STEEL MAKES

ITS WAY TO THE SEA ♪ AND THE LAST SHIP SAILS ♪

>> Stephen: STING."THE LAST SHIP"!

>> Stephen: LADIES ANDGENTLEMEN, NOW WITH ANOTHER SONG

FROM "THE LAST SHIP," ABEAUTIFUL MUSICIAN AND A REASON

TO DO YOGA--( LAUGHTER )

STING.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).

♪ IN THE STREETS AROUND HERETHERE WAS NOBODY TOUGHER THAN ME

♪ I WAS QUICK WITH ME FISTSAND FAST WITH ME FOOTWORK

AS YOU CAN PLAINLY SEE♪ BUT WHILE FIGHTING WAS USEFUL

FOR GETTING YOUR WAYAMONG THE TOUGHS OF THE TOWN

WHERE YOU COULD HOLD SWAYTHERE HAD TO BE SOMETHING

THAT WAS BETTER THAN THIS♪ I WAS FIFTEEN YEARS OLD

AND I'D NEVER BEEN KISSEDWELL OF COURSE SHE'D IGNORE ME.

♪ HER FRIENDS WOULD ALL SNEERAT ME BLOODY NOSE DRIPPING AND

ME CAULIFLOWER EAR♪ FOR IT'S HARD TO CONVINCE

IN A ROMANTIC POSEWITH A LOVELY BLACK EYE

AND A BROKEN NOSE♪ WHERE A GIRL IS ATTRACTED

TO SKILLS MORE REFINEDTHAN THE PUGILIST'S ART

♪ AND SO I INCLINEDTO TAKE MESELF SERIOUS

AS A MODERN ROMANCERAND I SECRETLY LEARNT

ALL THE MOVES OF A DANCER♪ YE SWING TO THE LEFT

YE SWING TO THE RIGHTKEEP YOUR EYES ON YOUR PARTNER

MORE OR LESS LIKE A FIGHT♪ YE JUST FOLLOW THE RHYTHM

AND YE KEEP TO THE BEATTHE IMPORTANT THING'S NEVER TO

LOOK AT YOUR FEET♪ THEN A MIRACLE HAPPENS

YOUR MIND'S IN A TRANCETHOUGH THE STRATEGY'S SUBTLE

RETREAT AND ADVANCE♪ IT'S ALL ABOUT ATTITUDE

ALL IN YOUR STANCEATTENTION TO DETAIL

LEAVING NOTHING TO CHANCE♪ WHICH EXPLAINS HOW THE

PUGILIST FINALLY LEARNED HOW TODANCE

♪ IT'S A THREE MINUTE ROUND ANDYOU'RE BACK IN YOUR CORNER

YOU'RE LICKING YOUR WOUNDSJUST LIKE LITTLE JACK HORNER,

DON'T LET YOUR GUARD DOWNTRY A JAB WITH YOUR RIGHT OR

YOU'RE LOSING ON POINTS BY THEEND OF THE NIGHT

♪ THEN A MIRACLE HAPPENS ANDEVERYONE SCREAMING

YOU'RE PINCHING YOURSELF JUST INCASE YOU'RE STILL DREAMING

♪ YOU'VE TAKEN THE INITIATIVEYOU'VE TAKEN YOUR CHANCE

♪ IT'S THE NIGHT WHEN THEPUGILIST FINALLY LEARNED HOW TO

DANCE ♪

♪ IN A BOUTWHERE THE STRATEGIST'S

BRIDGES WERE BURNED♪ WHERE IT SEEMED THAT HIS

FORTUNE HAD SUDDENLY TURNED♪ 'TWAS THE NIGHT THAT THIS

SCRAPPER WAS SUDDENLY DAPPERAND THIS POOR FELLOW'S HEART

WAS STILL GOING LIKE THECLAPPERS

♪ THE NIGHT THAT THE PUGILISTFINALLY LEARNED HOW TO DANCE ♪

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )>> Stephen: "THE LAST SHIP,"

STING.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )