Cris-Ish in Syri-Eh

  • Aired:  09/04/13
  •  | Views: 65,174

Only 29% of Americans want the U.S. to attack Syria -- which, on the plus side, means that 29% of Americans know there is a place called Syria. (5:48)

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> Stephen: THANK YOU, LADIES

AND GENTLEMEN.

(AUDIENCE CHANTING "STEPHEN")

WELCOME TO THE "REPORT,"

EVERYBODY OUT THERE, IN HERE,

ALL AROUND THE WORLD, LADIES AND

GENTLEMEN!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

FOLKS, GOOD TO HAVE YOU WITH US,

FOLKS.

YOU ASKED THESE PEOPLE, THEY

KNOW, I'VE GOT A BUG UP MY ASS.

(LAUGHTER)

THAT'S NOT THE ONLY PLACE.

(LAUGHTER)

I'LL TELL YOU, I'VE BEEN WARNING

YOU FOR YEARS -- HERE'S WHAT

IT'S ABOUT.

I'VE BEEN WARNING YOU FOR YEARS

THAT BARACK OBAMA IS A WEAK

LEADER AND HE HAS PROVEN ME

RIGHT ONCE AGAIN.

DAMN MY GIFT!

(LAUGHTER)

THE MAN COULD NOT LEAD US ON

HEALTH CARE REFORM.

HE COULD NOT LEAD US ON THE

BUDGET TALKS.

AND NOW HE CAN NOT LEAD US INTO

WAR.

SPECIFICALLY WITH SYRIA!

WHERE DICTATOR AND HIGH SCHOOL

FRESHMAN TRYING TO GROW A

MUSTACHE BASHAR AL-ASSAD --

(LAUGHTER).

-- HAS USED CHEMICAL WEAPONS

AGAINST HIS OWN PEOPLE.

NOW, AS THE WORLD'S POLICEMAN,

AMERICA HAS A MORAL IMPERATIVE

TO BLOW SOME (BLEEP) UP!

(LAUGHTER)

BUT THANKS TO OBAMA'S LIMP

LEADERSHIP, THAT IDEA IS GOING

OVER LIKE A TURD FALAFEL.

ONLY 29% OF AMERICANS WANT US TO

ATTACK SYRIA.

NOW, ON THE PLUS SIDE, THAT

MEANS 29% OF AMERICANS KNOW

THERE IS A PLACE CALLED SYRIA.

(LAUGHTER)

BUT THAT'S NOT ENOUGH, FOLKS.

IT'S ALL BECAUSE OF HOW OBAMA IS

SELLING IT!

>> I HAVE DECIDED THAT THE

UNITED STATES SHOULD TAKE

MILITARY ACTION AGAINST SYRIAN

REGIME TARGETS.

THIS WOULD NOT BE AN OPEN-ENDED

INTERVENTION.

WE WOULD NOT PUT BOOTS ON THE

GROUND.

INSTEAD, OUR ACTION WOULD BE

DESIGNED TO BE LIMITED IN

DURATION AND SCOPE.

OUR CAPACITY TO EXECUTE THIS

MISSION IS NOT TIME SENSITIVE.

IT WILL BE EFFECTIVE TOMORROW OR

NEXT WEEK OR ONE MONTH FROM NOW.

I I TRANSLATION, WE DON'T KNOW

WHAT THEY WANT TO DO, WE WON'T

DO MUCH AND IT DOESN'T MATTER

WHEN WE DO IT.

WHO'S WITH ME?

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

I MEAN, HOW ARE YOU SUPPOSED TO

GET BEHIND THAT?

I'VE GOT A CRACK GRAPHICS

DEPARTMENT UPSTAIRS READY TO

MAKE A SIZZLING TITLE SEQUENCE

LIKE "AMERICA AT WAR!"

OR "DESERT STORM" OR "SHOW DOWN

IN THE GULF."

BUT THANKS TO OBAMA, THIS IS THE

BEST THEY COULD DO!

>> CRISIS SYRIA.

(PLAYING "PRICE IS RIGHT LOSER

THEME).

(LAUGHTER)

WHERE'S THE EXCITEMENT, OBAMA?

WHERE THE ZAZZ?

COME ON YOU PUSSSY, SLAP SOME

ANDROGEL ON AND GROW A PAIR!

YOU'RE THE GODDAMNED

COMMANDER-IN-CHIEF OF THE UNITED

STATES OF AMERICA!

I MEAN, YOU'RE THE ONE WHO SET A

RED LINE!

>> I DIDN'T SET A RED LINE.

(LAUGHTER)

THE WORLD SET A RED LINE.

>> THE WORLD?

WHO CARES ABOUT THE WORLD?

WE'RE AMERICA!

IF WE CARED ABOUT WHAT THE WORLD

IS WE'D EAT FLAN AND WATCH

SOCCER.

(LAUGHTER)

OH, I'M SORRY, FUTBALL.

(LAUGHTER)

YOU KNOW WHAT, FOLKS?

I MISS GEORGE W. BUSH.

(AUDIENCE REACTS)

THAT MAN -- YEAH, I CAN TELL YOU

MISS HIM, TOO.

(LAUGHTER)

THAT MANU HOW TO SELL A WAR.

OBAMA HAS HARD EVIDENCE OF

WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION AND

HE CAN'T EVEN GET ENGLAND TO GO

ALONG WITH IT.

MEANWHILE, PRESIDENT BUSH GOTTEN

A INTERNATIONAL COALITION WITH

NOTHING MORE THAN COLIN POWELL'S

REPUTATION AND HALF A TEST TUBE

OF CRYSTAL LIGHT.

(LAUGHTER)

YOU WANT TO HEAR SOME WAR

MARKETING?

BUSH HAD US HANGING ON EVERY

WORD BECAUSE BY THE NEXT WORD HE

MIGHT ALL BE DEAD.

(LAUGHTER)

JIM?

>> SADDAM HUSSEIN IS A HOMICIDAL

DICTATOR WHO IS ADDICTED TO

WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION.

ING A SEUSZ OF EVIL.

50 TONS OF MUSTARD GAS AND A

TURKEY FARM.

MOBILE BIOLOGICAL WEAPONS LABS.

SIGNIFICANT QUANTITIES OF

URANIUM.

THE REGIME SEEKING A NUCLEAR

BOMB.

THE SMOKING GUN.

IT COULD COME IN THE FORM OF A

MUSHROOM CLOUD.

>> GOD I LOVE BEING LIED TO BY A

PROFESSIONAL!

(LAUGHTER)

YOU CAN FEEL THE HAND

CRAFTSMANSHIP SO PRESIDENT

OBAMA, YOU COULD LEARN A THING

OR TWO ABOUT SALESMANSHIP FROM

THIS GOOD MAN!

STOP ASKING OUR PERMISSION AND

START TELLING US OUR PEREL, LIKE

THIS: MY FELLOW AMERICANS,

BASHAR AL-ASSAD HAS USED POISON

GAS ON HIS OWN PEOPLE.

IF WE DO NOT RESPOND SOURCES SAY

NEXT HE WILL HIT EPCOT THEREBY

TAKING OUT PARIS, LONDON, AND

CHINA AND IT FLOWS OVER TO

DISNEY, THAT'S ALL OF OUR

ROBOTIC PRESIDENTS.

(LAUGHTER)

FURTHER MORE, WE HAVE SATELLITE

PHOTOS OF HIM PUNCHING YOUR

MOTHER AND SODOMIZING A

BASEBALL!

AND HE HAS PURCHASED URANIUM

FROM HITLER'S GHOST.

(LAUGHTER)

IT IS OUR MORAL OBLIGATION TO

STOP THIS MADMAN AND IF BRITAIN

WON'T HELP US, I SAY (BLEEP)

'EM, FROM NOW ON ENGLISH MUFFINS

WILL BE CALLED LIBERTY TOAST

BECAUSE AMERICA --

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

-- AMERICA, THIS LAND IS MY LAND

AND YOUR LAND AND AMERICA DOES

NOT BACK DOWN ON THE FACE OF

TYRANNY.

FOOL ME ONCE, SHAME ON YOU.

FOOL ME TWICE A PENNY SAVE SAD

HORSE TO WATER WHOSE COLORS DO

NOT RUN!

MAY GOD BLESS THE UNITED STATES

OF

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