Thanksgiving Under Attack - Hanukkah

  • Aired:  10/08/13
  •  | Views: 136,657

In a rare convergence, Thanksgiving falls on the first day of Hanukkah. (5:19)

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )>> Stephen: WELCOME BACK,

EVERYBODY.

THANK YOU SO MUCH.

THANK YOU, LADIES ANDGENTLEMEN.

NATION, CHECK YOUR CALENDARSBECAUSE THANKSGIVING IS JUST

AROUND THE CORNER, AND, FOLK, ITIS MY FAVORITE HOLIDAY, WHICH IS

A BIT SURPRISING SINCE I'M NOFAN OF GIVING OR SAYING THANKS.

( LAUGHTER )EVERY YEAR, WHEN I CELEBRATE IT,

I PUSH THE ENVELOPE.

LAST YEAR, I HAD A GRAVY BOAT.

THIS YEAR I HAVE A GRAVY KAYAK.

BUT, SADLY, FOLKS-- YEAH, YEAH.

LOOKS PRETTY GOOD, DOESN'T IT?

SADLY, AMERICA'S SACRED DAYDEDICATED TO FAMILY AND

HEARINGNANA'S UNVARNISHEDOPINION OF PHILIPPINEOS IS IN IS

IN DANGER BECAUSE THIS ISTHANKSGIVING UNDER ATTACK.

( GUNFIRE )( GOBBLE )

>> IF YOU NEED--( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

IF YOU NEED SOME EXPLANATION ASTO WHY JESUS IS COMING OUT OF

THE TOMB, WEARING A PILGRIM HATAND A BLUNDERBUSS, WATCH SOME OF

OUR SHOWS FROM ABOUT FIVE YEARSAGO.

NATION, THE THANKSGIVING TABLEIS GOING TO BE EXTRA CROWDED

THIS YEAR.

NOT JUST BECAUSE YOU STILLHAVEN'T WALKED OFF LAST YEAR'S

GREEN BEAN CASSEROLE.

>> TURKEY DAY MEETS THE JEWISHFESTIVAL OF LIGHTS THIS YEAR.

IN A RARE CONVERGENCE,THANKSGIVING FALLS ON THE FIRST

DAY OF HANUKKAH.

>> Stephen: HOW DARE YOU,HANUKKAH!

THESE TWO HOLIDAYS HAVE NOTHINGIN COMMON.

HANUKKAH CELEBRATES THE STRUGGLEOF AN OPPRESSED PEOPLE'S FIGHT

AGAINST INVADING CONKERS, WHILETHANKSGIVING IS ABOUT OUR

HEALTHY AND NURTURINGRELATIONSHIP WITH THE INDIANS.

( LAUGHTER )( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

>> Stephen: NOW, NOW-- BUTNOW THEY'RE OVERLAPPING.

AND KEEPING THE STORY STRAIGHTIS GOING TO BE IMPOSSIBLE.

PRETTY SOON, SCHOOL KIDS WILLTHINK THANKSGIVING STARTED WHEN

THE WAMPANOAG SAT DOWN WITH THEYAKABEES, AND THE YAMS LASTED

EIGHT NIGHTS.

FOLKS, IT WASN'T A MIRTELEKELL.

NOBODY LIKES YAMS.

REALLY, AH, REALLY?

SYMPATHY FOR THE YAMS.

( LAUGHTER )AND NOW, INSTEAD OF DRAWING A

HAND TURKEY, WE'LL BE EXPECTEDTO DRAW A HAND MENORAH.

IT'S IMPOSSIBLE!

YOU NEED BOTH HANDS TO MAKE THEMENORAH, AND THEN WHAT DO YOU

DRAW WITH?

IT CAN'T BE DONE.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )>> THE SHAMS OSH IS NOT

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )>> THE SHAMS OSH IS NOT

STRAIGHT.

I'M SORRY.

NATION-- NOW IT'S ON MY FACE.

THAT IS NOT COMING OUT.

THAT'S IT.

ANYWAY, NATION, I SHOULD HAVESEEN THIS COMING.

( LAUGHTER )( APPLAUSE )

I WANT TO WARN OUR ANILLATES WEMIGHT BE GOING A LITTLE BIT LONG

TONIGHT.

I CAN'T BELIEVE I'M DISCUSSINGHANUKKAH AND I DREW A MUSTACHE

RIGHT THERE.

THAT IS BAD FORM.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).

REALLY, REALLY NOT GOOD.

FOLKS, I SHOULD HAVE SEEN THISCOMING.

I HAVE NEVER, EVER TRUSTEDHANUKKAH.

IF IT DOESN'T HAVE ANYTHING TOHIDE, WHY DOES IT HAVE SO MANY

ALIASES.

PLUS, PLUS HANUKKAH IS SUPPOSEDTO OVERLAP WITH CHRISTMAS.

SO I CAN SAY MERRY CHRISTMASINSTEAD OF HAPPY HOLIDAYS, AND

EVERYONE WILL KNOW EXACTLY WHICHHOLIDAY I'M NOT WISHING THEY

HAVE A HAPPY ONE OF.

SO THIS YEAR, FOLKS, TO MAKESURE NO ONE IS CONFUSED I'M

GOING TO HAVE TO SPENDTHANKSGIVING WISHING EVERYBODY A

MERRY CHRISTMAS.

IT'S CHAOS.

AND YOU KNOW WHAT, HANUKKAH,I'VE HAD IT UP TO HEAR BLOCKING

OUR HOLIDAYS.

I DO NOT-- LISTEN TO ME EYE DONOT WANT TO SEE HANUKKAH

STARTING ON THANKSGIVING DAY FORANOTHER 80,000 YEARS.

>> IT WON'T HAPPEN AGAIN FORANOTHER-- GET THIS-- 79,000

YEARS.

>> Stephen: NOW YOU'RE JUSTTRYING TO PISS ME OFF.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

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