Tiny Triumphs - Infrastructure & River Pollution

  • Aired:  04/22/13
  •  | Views: 8,620

According to the ASCE Report Card, America can now proudly say that only 25% of its bridges are structurally deficient or functionally obsolete. (4:14)

OF COURSE, THERE HAS BEEN

WALL-TO-WALL COVERAGE OF THESE

TERRORIST ATTACKS ALL WEEK

BECAUSE THE MEDIA LOVES

REPORTING BAD NEWS.

I BACK THAT UP WITH DETAILS BUT

OUR FACT CHECKER WAS HIT BY A

A BUS CARRYING MEDICINE TO AN

ORPHANAGE FOR PUPPIES AND

WHEELCHAIRS.

( LAUGHTER )

BUT TONIGHT, I AM HERE TO TELL

YOU TO BUCK UP, AMERICA.

IF YOU'RE ONE OF THE FEW

AMERICANS WHO STILL HAS A BUCK

BECAUSE IT'S TIME FOR TINY

TRIUMPHS.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

FOLKS, THE AMERICAN SOCIETY OF

CIVIL ENGINEERS RECENTLY

RELEASED THEIR QUADRENNIAL

REPORT CARD, AND FOR THE FIRST

TIME IN 15 YEARS WE IMPROVED OUR

GRADE.

IN 2009, THEY GAVE OUR

INFRASTRUCTURE A

D, BUT THIS YEAR WE HAVE

ROCKETED UP TO D-PLUS.

BOOM!

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

WE ARE CLIMBING THE LADDER.

( LAUGHTER )

BY THE WAY, DO NOT CLIMB THAT

LADDER.

IT IS A DEATH TRAP.

FOLKS, THIS REPORT, WHICH GIVES

A COMPREHENSIVE ASSESSMENT OF A

NATION'S INFRASTRUCTURE WAS

RELEASED IN MARCH, BUT I JUST

GOT IT BECAUSE THE DELIVERY

TRUCK SPENT FOUR DAYS STUCK IN A

POTHOLE.

( LAUGHTER )

BE PROUD, NATION.

BECAUSE WE HAVE BOOSTED OUR

GRADE IN ALL 16 INFRASTRUCTURE

SUBJECTS, EXCEPT FOR 10 OF THEM.

( LAUGHTER ).

FOR MORE, WE TURN TO THE FIRST

NAME IN CRUMBLING, CNN.

JIM.

>> SIX CATEGORIES SAW

IMPROVEMENT.

BRIDGES, RAILROADS, DRINKING

WATER, SOLID WASTE, AND

WASTEWATER.

SOLID WASTE EARNED THE HIGHEST

GRADE ON THE REPORT, A B-MINUS--

GO, SOLID WASTE.

( APPLAUSE )

( LAUGHTER )

>> Stephen: YES, YES.

GO SOLID WASTE.

SPEAKING OF WHICH, TUCKER

CARLSON IS THE NEW HOST OF "FOX

& FRIENDS WEEKEND."

GO, TUCKER.

ACCORDING TO THE REPORT, WE CAN

NOW PROUDLY SAY THAT ONLY 25% OF

OUR NATION'S BRIDGES ARE

STRUCTURALLY DEFICIENT OR

FUNCTIONALLY OBSOLETE.

THAT'S RIGHT.

THERE IS A THREE-IN-FOUR CHANCE

IF YOU DRIVE ACROSS A BRIDGE,

YOU WILL MAKE IT TO THE OTHER

SIDE.

AND AMERICA CAN HOLD ITS HEAD

HIGH, KNOWING WHEN IT COMES TO

OUR NATION'S LEVEES, 8% ARE IN

ACCEPTABLE CONDITION.

OF THE REMAINING LEVEES, 22% ARE

UNACCEPTABLE, 42% ARE

CONSTRUCTED OF OLD MARSHMALLOW

PEEPS, AND 28% DON'T WANT TO

WORK.

THEY JUST WANT TO BANG ON THE

DRUM ALL DAY.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).

NATION, I BELIEVE THIS INSPIRING

D-PLUS IS A GRADE WE CAN ALL BE

PROUD OF.

IN FACT, I BELIEVE WE SHOULD

HANG THIS REPORT CARD SOMEWHERE

HIGH WHERE EVERYONE CAN SEE IT.

BUT NOT A BRIDGE.

( LAUGHTER )

IT MAY NOT BE ABLE TO HANDLE THE

LOAD.

( LAUGHTER )

BUT KEEP THOSE PARTY HATS ON,

NATION, BECAUSE I'VE GOT MORE

GOOD NEWS TO REPORT.

AN ENVIRONMENTAL PROTECTION

AGENCY STUDY SAYS THAT MORE THAN

HALF OF U.S. RIVERS ARE UNABLE

TO SUSTAIN LIFE.

BUT I AM AN OPTIMIST.

I PREFER TO SEE OUR NATION'S

RIVERS AS HALF NOT A

PHOSPHOROUS-SOAKED-AQUATIC

GRAVEYARD.

AND THIS SUMMER YOU CAN HAVE

JUST AS MUCH FUN IN A SO-CALLED

POLLUTED RIVER.

NO TIRE SWING?

JUST JUMP IN AND CHANCES ARE

YOU'LL LAND ON ONE.

IF ONLY 45% OF OUR RIVERS AND

STREAMS CAN SUPPORT LIFE, I'LL

SAY THE PROBLEM ISN'T WITH THE

WATER, IT'S WITH THE FISH.

HEY, IF YOU CAN'T STAND THE

HEAT, GET OUT OF THE WATER THAT

FOR SOME REASON IS ON FIRE.

( LAUGHTER ).

SO CHEER UP, NATION.

THESE TWO REPORTS SHOW THAT

WE'RE GOING TO BE JUST FINE.

EVEN IF A BRIDGE DOES COLLAPSE,

CHANCES ARE THE RIVER WILL BE SO

POLLUTED, YOU'LL BE ABLE TO

DRIVE RIGHT ACROSS IT.

( LAUGHTER )

( APPLAUSE )

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

( CHEERS )