Redemption for All

  • Aired:  05/23/13
  •  | Views: 58,182

Somebody before Pope Francis should have mentioned that believing in God was optional when it comes to getting into Heaven. (3:50)

>> Stephen: WELCOME BACK,

ESH.

THANKS SO MUCH, FOLKS.

FOLKS, AS AMERICA'S MOST FAMOUS

CATHOLIC,IM THE POPE OF BASE OF

BASIC CABLE.

I WAS READY TO EMBRACE THE NEW

PONTIFF FRANCIS.

BIG DADDY FRANK.

THE LEAN, MEAN, ARGENTINE.

THE VICAR SO NICE, HE SPEAKS FOR

CHRIST.

I TRIED TO FOLLOW HIS EXAMPLE

WHEN HE WASHED THE FEET OF THE

POOR I WENT ONE STEP FURTHER AND

SENT SOME HOMELESS GUYS THROUGH

A CAR WASH, EVEN PAYING FOR THE

WAX.

BUT AS A DEVOUT MEMBER OF THE

HOLY ROMAN CATHOLIC CHURCH, MY

SCAPULAR IS IN A BIT OF A TWIST

TODAY.

OVER WHAT HIS HOLINESS SAID IN

HIS HOMILY YESTERDAY.

>> ( translated ): THE

COMMANDMENTS THAT JESUS GAVE TO

US IS TO DO GOOD, AND REDEMPTION

CONCERNS EVERYONE, NOT JUST

THOSE WHO WHO BELIEVE IN JESUS.

THE LORD REDEEMED ALL OF US, NOT

JUSTICALS, AT THE BLOOD OF

CHRIST.

EVERYONE, EVEN ATHEISTS.

>> Stephen: WHAT THE PLUCK?

EVEN ATHEISTS?

I AM A CATHOLIC.

AND I AM A CATHOLIC SO I CAN

HAVE THE FAST TRACK PARADISE

EASYPASS BECAUSE I AM IN

COMMUNION WITH THE ONE TRUE

CHURCH.

IN WORD THE 1-3 SCANNER,

MEMBERSHIP HAS ITS PRIVILEGES.

IF THE LORD REDEEMS ATHEISTS,

ALL BETS ARE OFF?

WHAT'S NEXT?

THE LORD REDEEMS LUTHERANS?

IT'S MADNESS.

I FEEL LIKE A CHUMP.

I WAS AN ALTAR BOY FOR 11 YEARS.

I PUT SOME MILES IN ON MY KNEES,

ALL UPON UPIN' AND DOWNIN' AND

CRISSIN' AND CROSSIN'.

HEY, COLBERT, YOU HAVE A STAMP

ON YOUR HEAD.

I THOUGHT IT WAS A HAND STAMP

FOR HEAVEN.

SOME GODLESS GO GUY CAN SWOOP IN

AT THE 11th HOUR AND GET

REDEEMED?

I WANT A REFUND.

YOU KNOW WHAT I COULD HAVE DONE

WITH ALL THOSE HOURS AT CHURCH?

I COULD HAVE LEARNED SLIDE

GUITAR.

( LAUGHTER )

I COULD HAVE BECOME FLUENT IN

THAI.

"KA PRA NUK NO GAAH."

THAT MEANS, NOTHING BECAUSE I

NEVER LEARNED THAI.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

AND I JUST THINK-- I JUST THINK,

FRANCIS, MAYBE SOMEBODY SHOULD

HAVE MENTIONED THAT BELIEVING IN

GOD WAA OPTIONAL.

BECAUSE-- NEWS FLASH ! -- IT'S

RIDICULOUS.

AN INVISIBLE WIZARD CREATED THE

HEAVENS AND THE EARTHS IN SIX

DAYS?

TOOK ME A MONTH JUST TO STAIN MY

DECK!

( LAUGHTER )

NOW, NORMALLY, FOLKS, IN A TIME

OF TRIAL LIKE THAT I WOULD TURN

TO GOD FOR GUIDANCE.

BUT I GUESS IT DOESN'T MATTER

ANYMORE.

SO I MIGHT AS WELL TURN TO THIS

STAPLER.

SO ACCORDING TO THE POPE, THAT'S

JUST AS GOOD.

( LAUGHTER )

OH, ONE TRUE OFFICE SUPPLY.

I AM SO CONFUSED.

HELP ME.

WHAT SHOULD I DO?

I'M A BUDDHIST.

IN MY NEXT LIFEI'M HOPING TO BE

A FAX MACHINE.

I'M JUST SO GLAD JESUS DIDN'T

LIVE TO SEE THIS.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )