Stephen for U.S. Senate

  • Aired:  12/10/12
  •  | Views: 36,089

Stephen's two big Christmas balls dress up the studio, and South Carolina voters try to convince Governor Nikki Haley that Stephen should fill Jim DeMint's seat. (6:45)

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> Stephen: WELCOME TO THE REPORT.

GOOD TO HAVE YOU WITH US.

COME ON.

>> STEPHEN, STEPHEN, STEPHEN!

STEPHEN, STEPHEN, STEPHEN!

STEPHEN, STEPHEN, STEPHEN!

STEPHEN, STEPHEN, STEPHEN!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) THANK YOU, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) THANK YOU SO MUCH.

PLEASE, SIT DOWN.

FOLKS, FOLKS-- AS A GREAT LADY ONCE SAID WE GOT TO HANG OUT.

WELL, MERRY CHRISTMAS, EVERYBODY.

AS WITH YOU SEE I HAVE FULLY INCRINGE ELED MY SET FOR THE WEEK.

I HAVE CANDY CANE COLUMNS BACK THERE.

I HAVE MY TWO BIG BALLS RIGHT DOWN HERE.

I HAVE POINSETTIAS ALL BACK THERE, FESTIVE AND DEADLY.

(LAUGHTER) BUT LET'S NOT FORGET IT IS ALSO NIGHT THREE OF HANUKKAH WHICH I AM CELEBRATING BY

HAVING JUST MENTIONED IT RIGHT NOW.

(LAUGHTER) YOU'RE WELCOME, JEWS.

OKAY, THAT'S CALLED THE COLBERT BUMP.

SPEAKING OF ME, EVERYONE'S SPEAKING OF ME.

>> SOUTH CAROLINA SENATOR JIM DEMINT IS STEPPING DOWN, SO GUESS WHO'S STEPPING UP

AS A POSSIBLE CANDIDATE, STEPHEN COLBERT.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> WITHIN HOURS AFTER THE ANNOUNCEMENT HE SET UP A COLBERT FOR SENATE WEB SITE

AND ESTABLISHED A TWITTER ACCOUNT,@COLBERT FOR SE.

>> I WANT TO PUT PIE VOTE IN FOR STEPHEN RIGHT NOW.

SHE SHOULD GIVE HIM SERIOUS CONSIDERATION.

GOD KNOWS THE U.S. SENATE COULD USE STEPHEN COLBERT.

>> THERE IS ALREADY A TWITTER PAGE, A DRAFT COLBERT WEB SITE.

I CAN TELL YOU HAVING DONE A SHOW WITH HIM IN CHARLESTON, HE IS AN ABSOLUTE ROCK STAR

IN THAT STATE.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> Stephen: YES, I AM A ROCK STAR IN SOUTH CAROLINA AND NOT JUST BECAUSE I ENDED MY

RALLY THERE WITH HERMAN CAIN BY BITING THE HEAD OFF A DOVE.

IT'S A LOCAL DELICACY.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Stephen: LOVELY WITH A SIDE OF PALMS.

THEY LOVE ME IN THE PALMETTO STATE BECAUSE I LOVE IT.

I LOVE THE BEACHES.

I LOVE THE MOUNTAINS.

I LOVE THE BEAUTIFUL OLD ESTATES THAT HAVE NO NEGATIVE HISTORICAL CONNOTATION WHATSOEVER.

OF COURSE NOT EVERYBODY IS HAPPY ABOUT MY IMMINENT APPOINTMENT.

FOR INSTANCE THE ATLANTIC CALLED MY VASTLY OVERQUALIFIED.

AND NBC.COM SAID SENATOR STEPHEN COLBERT, PERHAPS NOT AS CRAZY AS SENATOR JIM DEMINT.

WHAT?

I AM AT LEAST AS CRAZY AS JIM DEMINT.

HE WANTED TO BAN GAY TEACHERS FROM THE CLASSROOM.

I WANT TO BAN TEACHERS FROM THE CLASSROOM.

(LAUGHTER) WITH THEIR KNOWLEDGE AGENDA.

I SAY LET THE FREE MARKET DECIDE WHAT THE ATOMIC WEIGHT OF CARBON IS.

BUT MI THE CLEAR, MI THE CLEAR FIRST CHOICE HERE, FOLKS.

FIRST OF ALL THE GOOD PEOPLE AT PUBLIC POLICY POLLING, PUBLICLY POLICY POLLED SOUTH

CARLINIANS TODAY AND FOUND THAT OF THE POSSIBLE REPLACEMENTS, I TOP SOUTH CAROLINA VOTER'S WISH LIST

WITH 20% SUPPORTING ME.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> Stephen: YEAH.

20%, THAT'S A HALF.

NOW MY NETWORK CONTRACT PROHIBITS ME FROM TAKING ON ANOTHER FULL-TIME JOB, SO THE SENATE WOULD BE PERFECT.

(LAUGHTER) BUT WE MUST, OF COURSE, HONOR THE DEMOCRATIC PROCESS HERE, WHEREIN ONE PERSON

PICKS WHOEVER THEY WANT.

NOW THE LAST THING I WANT TO DO IS PUT ANY PRESSURE ON GOVERNOR HALEY, OR TRY TO

INFLUENCE HER DECISION, NOT THAT THAT WOULD WORK.

SHE HAS THE WISDOM OF SALOMON, THE COURAGE OF LINCOLN, AND THE BALLS OF MARGARET THATCHER.

(LAUGHTER) OKAY.

BUT HOTTER, REALLY HOTTER.

I CERTAINLY DON'T WANT THIS SENATE APPOINTMENT TO TURN INTO ANOTHER BLAGOJEVICH

SCANDAL WHERE, AND I'M JUST SPIT BALLING HERE, AN AMBITIOUS WOULD-BE SENATOR WITH A SECRET STASH OF

NEARLY A MILLION COMPLETELY UNTRACEABLE FORMER SUPER PAC DOLLARS USES THAT MONEY TO

BUY POLITICAL INFLUENCE BY TRANSFERRING ALL OF IT TO A SHADOWY FUND LOCATED IF THE

GOVERNOR'S STATE OF SOUTH CAROLINA THAT NO ONE WOULD BE ABLE TO TRACE.

(LAUGHTER) THAT WOULD BE HORRIBLE IF THAT CAME OUT.

WHICH IT WOULDN'T BECAUSE LIKE I SAID, IT'S IMPOSSIBLE TO TRACE.

(LAUGHTER) OF COURSE I CAN'T BE HELD RESPONSIBLE IF OTHER PEOPLE TRY TO INFLUENCE HER LIKE

THE NEARLY 12,000 OF YOU WHO LOBBIED FOR MY APPOINTMENT BY TWEETING@NIKKI HALEY

WHICH THEN FORCED THE GOFF THEY ARE TO RESPOND ON HER FACEBOOK PAGE WRITING STEPHEN, THANK YOU FOR YOUR

INTEREST IN SOUTH CAR LINE' U.S. SENATE SEAT AND THE THOUSANDS OF TWEETS YOU AND

YOUR FANS SENT ME BUT YOU FORGET ONE THING, MY FRIEND, YOU DIDN'T KNOW OUR STATE

DRIJ, BIG, BIG MISTAKE.

NOW SHE'S REFERRING HERE TO HER APPEARANCE ON MY SHOW BACK IN APRIL.

I COULDN'T NAME SOUTH CAROLINA STATE DRINK WHICH IS MILK, THEY MUST HAVE CHANGED IT BECAUSE WHEN I

WAS A CHILD IT WAS A BIG GULP FULL OF GRAIN ALCOHOL AND HI-C.

(LAUGHTER) NOW THE LAMESTREAM MEDIA IS SAYING NIKKI HALEY HAS SHUT THE DOOR ON MY SENATE BID.

THAT IS RIDICULOUS.

BECAUSE IF GETTING A SOUTH CAR LINIA TRIVIA FACT WRONG DISQUALIFIES YOU FOR OFFICE

THEN NIKKI HALEY WOULD HAVE STEP DOWN AFTER SAYING THIS.

>> WHAT'S THE STATE AMPHIBIAN.

>> HMM.

>> Stephen: OH, HOW DOES IT FEEL WHEN THE SPIKE SHOE IS ON THE OTHER FOOT?

IT'S THE SPOTTED SALAMANDER.

OH.

YOU KNOW THE STATE DISH, GOVERNOR?

IT'S REVENGE.

BEST SERVED COLD WITH A SIDE OF SALAMANDER MILK.

(LAUGHTER) SO NATION, DO TO THE GIVE UP THE FIGHT.

KEEP TWEETING GOVERNOR HALEY WHY I WOULD MAKE AN IDEAL SENATOR USING THE HASHTAG

SPOTTED SALAMANDER.

(LAUGHTER) OR, OR GOVERNOR, GOVERNOR YOU CAN END THIS BY COMING ON MY SHOW-AND-TELLING ME

YOUR DECISION IN PERSON.

OR WE COULD MEET SOMEWHERE MORE CONVENIENT, LIKE MY SENATE CHAMBERS

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