Stephen's Sound Advice - How to Ace the SATs

  • Aired:  05/12/10
  •  | Views: 53,533

An MIT study finds that longer essays get better scores, so ideally your writing section should read like Glenn Beck's teleprompter. (5:07)

NATION, MANY OF YOU KNOW, IT IS SAT TIME AGAIN, AND I'M SURE A LOT OF HIGH SCHOOL STUDENTS ARE

OUT THERE WATCHING MY SHOW RIGHT NOW, JUST TRYING TO RELAX AND GET THEIR MINDS OFF OF STUDYING.

WELL, I JUST WANT TO SAY -- STOP RELAXING.

IT'S THE MOST IMPORTANT TEST OF YOUR LIFE.

IF YOU SUCCEED IN THE FUTURE,

YOU MAY GET A JOB WITH A CORNER OFFICE.

IF YOU FAIL, IN THE FUTURE YOU MAY BE GIVING A JOB ON A CORNER WITH AN ORIFICE.

LUCKILY... IT'S A TRUE STORY.

THAT'S A TRUE STORY.

LUCKILY, STUDENTS, I AM HERE TO HELP BECAUSE THIS IS "STEPHEN'S SOUND ADVICE."

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

TONIGHT HOW TO ACE THE SATs.

HI FIRST PIECE OF ADVICE IN THIS, AS IN EVERY SITUATION,

SPEND A LOT OF MONEY.

YOU WANT AN EDGE, YOU GET WHAT YOUR MOM AND DAD PAY FOR.

WHETHER IT'S KAPLAN'S COLLEGE PREP ADVANTAGE TRAINING FOR

$999, PREP-ME'S 20 HOURS OF WEB CAM TUTORING FOR $1,500, OR THE

CROWN JEWEL, PRINCETON REVIEW 24 HOURS OF PREMIER SAT TUTORING WHICH FOR $8,400 HAD BETTER

INCLUDE TWO SEMESTERS OF ACTUAL COLLEGE WITH FULL RELIEF,

EVERYBODY ELSE IS DOING IT.

REMEMBER, LAST QUARTER PRINCETON REVIEW PULLED IN MORE THAN $65 MILLION.

IF YOU TAKE ENOUGH OF THEIR MATH CLASSES, YOU MAY EVEN LEARN THEIR EQUATION FOR TURNING

CHILDREN'S FEAR INTO CASH.

NOW YOU'RE ALL PREPPED UP AND YOU'RE READY TO TAKE THE TEST.

FIRST UP THE WRITING SECTION.

NOW, WE ALL KNOW ESSAY WRITING IS USELESS.

IF YOU DON'T BELIEVE ME, ASK YOUR WAITER ABOUT HIS ENGLISH DEGREE.

[LAUGHTER]

NOW, FORTUNATELY, THERE IS A TRICK TO GUARANTEEING A HIGH SCORE.

AN M.I.T. STUDY FOUND THAT LONGER ESSAYS GOT BETTER SCORES REGARDLESS OF ANY ERRORS THEY

CONTAINED, SO REMEMBER, FACTS DON'T MATTER.

JUST LOTS AND LOTS OF WORDS.

SO IDEALLY YOUR ESSAY SHOULD READ LIKE GLENN BECK'S TELEPROMMER.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

NEXT... NEXT... THEY LOVE YOU,

GLENN, THEY LOVE YOU.

NEXT THE VERBAL SECTION, WHICH TESTS ANALYTICAL SKILLS AND COGNITIVE PROCESSING OF WRITTEN INFORMATION.

SO TO IMPROVE YOUR SCORE, YOU'LL WANT TO CLAIM RACIAL BIAS.

IN THE PAST THIS SECTION OF THE SAT HAS BEEN ACCUSED OF RACIAL BIAS IN ITS QUESTIONS.

FOR EXAMPLE, HERE'S AN ACTUAL NAIL JOY STUDENTS WERE ASKED TO COMPLETE.

RUNNER IS TO MARATHON, AND THE ANSWER WAS "AS OARSMAN IS TO REGATTA."

IT WAS THE MOST RACIALLY BIASED QUESTION SINCE "WHEN I DRIVE MY

VOLVO TO BUY DAVE MATTHEWS' TICKET, I AM LISTENING TO NPR'S ALL THINGS BLANK."

[APPLAUSE]

I'M GUESSING A LOT OF MY AUDIENCE GOT THAT ONE RIGHT.

AND IF YOU TRY HARD ENOUGH,

FOLKS, YOU CAN FIND RACIAL BIAS EVERYWHERE.

CONSIDER THIS DISTURBING EXAMPLE: BECAUSE HIS STORY WAS SIMILAR TO THAT OF ANOTHER

WRITER'S, THE JOURNALIST WAS ACCUSED OF BLANK.

THE CORRECT ANSWER IS: AS A CAUCASIAN AMERICAN, I AM OFFENDED THAT A WHITE SPACE IS

SOMEHOW WRONG UNTIL FILLED WITH BLACK INK.

200 POINTS, PLEASE.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

FINALLY, THERE'S A LOT OF PRESSURE IN THE SAT MATH SECTION.

YOU ONLY HAVE A MINUTE AND A HALF FOR A QUESTION LIKE HOW MANY NUMBERS BETWEEN 200 OR 400

BEGIN OR END WITH TWO.

I DON'T KNOW ABOUT YOU, BUT THE IDEA OF SOLVING THAT QUESTION IN A MINUTE AND A HALF MAKES MY

PANTS BEGIN AND END WITH THE NUMBER TWO.

[LAUGHTER]

NOW, LUCKILY, LUCKILY THERE'S A WAY OUT OF THIS TIME CRUNCH.

THE COLLEGE BOARD OFFERS EXTENDED TIME FOR THOSE WITH LEARNING DISABILITIES.

SO BECOME LEARNING DISABLED.

ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS FIND A WAY TO SHOW THAT YOU ARE COGNITIVELY CHALLENGED.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

NOW, I CAN'T THINK OF A WAY TO SHOW YOU'RE COGNITIVELY

CHALLENGED, BUT I'M SURE THEY'RE OUT THERE.

WELL, THAT'S ALL THE TIME WE HAVE.

I HOPE THAT HELPS YOU ACE THE S.A.T.s.

JOIN ME NEXT TIME WHEN WE DISCUSS THE ONE OTHER THING YOU WILL NEED TO GET INTO YOUR DREAM

COLLEGE -- A BUILDING NAMED||||