Dirt Bike Badass in the Lincoln Tunnel

  • Aired:  04/05/12
  •  | Views: 66,947

Stephen catches the spirit of America popping wheelies in the Lincoln Tunnel during his morning commute. (2:58)

WELCOME BACK, EVERYBODY,

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

NATION, YOU KNOW IF YOU WATCH THIS SHOW YOU KNOW I'M A JOURNALIST 24 HOURS A DAY,

INCLUDING WHEN I'M ASLEEP.

WHICH IS HOW I SCOOP THE COMPETITION WITH MY RECENT EXPOSE, AMERICA'S POP

QUIZZES, WHY DIDN'T WE STUDY.

ALSO WHY IS THE TEACHER ON MOM Y ARE MY PANTS, OH GOD I'M FALLING, I'M FALLING.

AND MY QUEST FOR THE STORY EXTENDS TO MY MORNING COMMUTE.

TODAY AS I WAS DRIVING THROUGH THE LINCOLN TUNNEL I CAPTURED A STORY OF HOPE WITH MY iPHONE.

FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO HAVEN'T HAD THE PLEASURE OF COMMUTING THROUGH THE

LINCOLN TUNNEL, LET ME PAINT A PICTURE FOR YOU.

IMAGINE TAKING 250,000 JELLY BEANS AND POURING THEM THROUGH A SINGLE DRINKING

STRAW WHERE ALL THE JELLY BEANS ARE PISSED BECAUSE THEY'RE LATE FOR WORK.

WELL, TODAY I WAS ONE OF THOSE SWRELEE BEANS.

STUCK IN BUMPER TO BUMPER TRAFFIC AND THIS IS TRUE,

WHEN A GUY ON A DIRT BIKE BLEW BY MY CAR, POPPING A WHEELLY IN THE LINCOLN TUNNEL!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> Stephen: THEN HE CHANGES LANES AND HE LOOKED BACK AT ME LIKE YEAH.

AND I'M LIKE [BLEEP] YEAH,

WHOOO!

SO HE POPS ANOTHER WHEELIE!

THIS GUY IS A TOTAL BAD ASS!

I MEAN YOU CAN GET A PARTICULAR FOR CHANGING LANES IN THE LINCOLN TUNNEL.

CLEARLY AMERICA IS BACK,

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) THIS, THIS, THIS HUGE, HUGE BALD STICK IT TO THE MAN

LIVE FREE OR DIE ATTITUDE HAS BEEN A VITAL PART OF THIS COUNTRY EVER SINCE

GEORGE WASHINGTON JUMPED THE DELAWARE.

(LAUGHTER) ONLY PROBLEM, ONLY PROBLEM HE DIDN'T STICK THE LANDING.

THAT'S HOW HE LOST HIS TEETH.

FOLKS, THIS LINCOLN TUNNEL GUY IS THE SPIRIT OF AMERICA.

AND SO AM I WALL STREET I FOCUS ON THE ROAD?

NO, I WAS VIDEOTAPE CC RIDER HERE.

AND GUESS WHAT, GUESS WHAT!

THE COPS CAN'T TOUCH YOU.

WE'RE UNDER THE HUDSON RIVER.

I BELIEVE THAT'S INTERNATIONAL WATERS.

YOU CAN GAMBLE DOWN THERE.

THIS GUY CERTAINLY WAS.

NOW THE END OF TUNNEL MR. DIRT BIKE DROPPED BACK AND ASKED ME TO TEXT HIM THE VIDEO FROM MY PHONE.

BUT I FORGOT YOUR AREA CODE.

I DIDN'T WRITE IT DOWN BECAUSE I WAS DRIVING AND VIDEOTAPING, AND WRITING WOULD HAVE MADE IT DANGEROUS.

SO I HOPE THAT BROADCASTING WILL BE ACCEPTABLE INSTEAD.

AND BY THE WAY, MY NAME IS STEPHEN COLBERT, AND I HAVE A TELEVISION SHOW.

(LAUGHTER) (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

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