Sport Report - Team USA vs. the Group of Death & Hans Beinholtz on the World Cup

  • Aired:  06/12/14
  •  | Views: 63,105

Team USA faces brutal adversaries at the World Cup, and Hans Beinholtz discusses soccer from a bleak German perspective. (5:43)

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]>> Stephen: WELCOME BACK,

EVERYBODY.

THANK YOU SO MUCH.

NATION...

[AUDIENCE CHANTING "STEPHEN"]I CAN'T FIGHT THE LOVE-NAMI.

NATION, IT'S NOT WHETHER YOU WINOR LOSE, IT'S WHETHER I WIN OR

LOSE.

THIS IS THE SPORT REPORT.

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]FOLKS, TODAY MARKS THE START OF

THE 2014 SOCCER WORLD CUP INBRAZIL.

AND I AM FEELING THE SOCCEREQUIVALENT OF EXCITEMENT.

MEANING I CAN'T USE MY HANDS.

NOW, UNFORTUNATELY THIS YEAR'S1-1 TIES ARE GOING TO BE MUCH

LESS THRILLING BECAUSE FIREWORKSAND VUVUZELAS HAVE BEEN

FORBIDDEN FROM WORLD CUPSTADIUMS.

[AUDIENCE REACTS]WHAT THE CUP?

THEY'RE TAKING AWAY MY FIREWORKSAND THE THING I SHOOT MY

FIREWORKS OUT OF?

NOW HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO PASSTHE TIME IN BETWEEN THE PRE-GAME

RIOT AND THE POST-GAME RIOT?

THAT ISN'T THE BIGGEST PROBLEMHERE.

TEAM U.S.A. IS FACING ANUP-PITCH BATTLE.

>> TEAM U.S.A. CONTINUES THEIRBUILDUP TO THE WORLD CUP.

>> THEY'RE UP AGAINST A LOT.

AMERICA WILL COMPETE IN GROUP"G" WITH GERMANY, PORTUGAL AND

GHANA.

>> THEY'LL FACE SOME OF THEIRTOUGHEST OPPONENTS IN THE FIRST

ROUND, SO BAD IT'S BEING CALLED"THE GROUP OF DEATH."

>> Stephen: YES, THE GROUP OFDEATH.

AN AFFILIATION GERMANS HAVE BEENTRYING TO GET AWAY FROM FOR

ABOUT 70 YEARS.

NOW, FAITH... FACED WITH THISCHALLENGE, TEAM U.S.A.'S COACH

STEPPED UP AND SURRENDERED,SAYING, "WE CANNOT WIN THIS

WORLD CUP BECAUSE WE ARE NOT ATTHAT LEVEL YET.

REALISTICALLY IT IS NOTPOSSIBLE."

[AUDIENCE REACTS]YOU DON'T THINK AN AMERICAN TEAM

COULD WIN?

WHAT KIND OF AN AMERICAN WOULDSAY THAT?

TERMS OUT A GERMAN ONE.

BECAUSE TEAM U.S.A.'S COACH ISJUERGEN KLINSMANN, A GERMAN

SOCCER STAR SEEN HERE BEINGGERMAN.

[LAUGHTER]HE ALSO SAID, "WE HAVE TO PLAY

THE GAME OF OUR LIVES SEVENTIMES TO WIN THE TOURNAMENT."

SO WHAT?

SO WHAT, JURGEN, WE CAN PLAY THEGAME OF OUR LIVES SEVEN TIMES.

HELL, THEY DID IT EVERY NIGHT ON"FRIDAY NIGHT LIGHTS."

WHAT'S YOUR PROBLEM, FIELDMARSHALL BUZZKILL?

THAT'S NOT THE AMERICAN WAY TOGIVE UP BEFORE YOU BEGIN.

WHAT IF THE PILGRIMS HAD GONEBACK TO ENGLAND AND SAID,

"THERE'S NO POINT.

WE'LL NEVER KILL THAT MANYINDIANS."

I JUST DON'T GET THESE GERMANSOCCER PLAYERS.

HERE TO HELP ME GET THESE GERMANSOCCER PLAYERS IS GERMANY'S

AMBASSADOR TO THE UNITEDNATIONS.

PLEASE WELCOME THE HONORABLEHANS BEINHOLZ.

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]NOW, YOUR EXCELLENCY, THANK YOU

FOR JOINING ME HERE TO DISCUSSTHE GAME.

>> THANK YOU, STEPHEN.

LIKE MANY, I HAVE WORLD CUPFEVER.

SMITTEN WITHIN THE TERRIBLEDISEASE

OF NATIONALISM AND COMPETITION,THE TWIN SEEDS OF WAR.

>> Stephen: YEAH, YOU WANTYOUR OWN TEAM TO WIN.

I ASSUME YOU'RE GOING TO BEROOTING FOR GERMANY.

>> YES, BUT WHAT IN TRUTH DO WEWIN?

THE WORLD CUP IS AN OPIATE OFTHE MASSES, A QUADRENNIAL

CELEBRATION OF BRUTE PHYSICALITYBY WHICH WE HOPE TO QUELL THE

NAUSEA OF THE HORROR OF HUMANEXISTENCE

GO, TEAM.

[APPLAUSE]>> Stephen: OKAY.

FINE.

BUT WHAT ABOUT THE U.S.'S COACH?

WHY WON'T HE MOTIVATE OUR TEAM?

>> DO YOU MEAN LIE TO THEM?

TELL THEM THAT THEY ARE BETTERTHAN HE KNOWS THEM TO BE?

NEIN. TO LOVE SOMEONE

IS TO CONFRONT THEM WITH THEIROWN WORTHLESSNESS.

[LAUGHTER]>> Stephen: THAT HELPS?

>> IT HELPS THE LITTLE LEAGUETEAM THAT I COACH.

[LAUGHTER]BEFORE EVERY GAME I TELL THE

CHILDREN, WE CANNOT WIN. OURSCORE WILL BE MEAGER.

WE WILL SUFFER AT THE CRUELHANDS OF THE BLUE GOPHERS, AND

EVEN IF WE WIN, VICTORY IS ONLYA FLEETING JOY THAT SOON

DISINTEGRATES INTO SORROW, EVENAS IN THE BEAUTY OF THE DAWN WE

GRIEVE FOR THE COMING DUSK ANDIN THE BIRTH OF A CHILD WE

SMELL THE ACRID STENCH OF THEGRAVE.

>> Stephen: THE HONORABLE HANS

BEINHOLZ, EVERYONE.

>> THANK YOU SO MUCH.

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