Cold War Update - Nuclear Launch Careers

  • Aired:  06/10/13
  •  | Views: 15,791

Instead of feeling honored by their monumental duty, nuclear launch crews complain about being stuck in dead-end careers. (3:13)

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

>> Stephen: WELCOME BACK,

EVERYBODY.

THANK YOU SO MUCH.

NATION, YOU KNOW, THEY SAY THE

COLD WAR ENDED IN 1989 BUT THEY

ALSO SAID RAT-TAILS WERE OVER.

THEN WHY DOES "THIS BABY" FEEL

SO RIGHT?

THIS IS COLD WAR UPDATE.

NATION, THE KEY TO DEFEATING OUR

COMMIE ENEMIES HAS ALWAYS BEEN

ETERNAL READINESS TO LAUNCH OUR

NUCLEAR WEAPONS.

BUT SADLY WE MAY NO LONGER BE

READY TO SAVE THE WORLD BY

DESTROYING IT.

>> TALK ABOUT A MORALE ISSUE

WHERE YOU DON'T REAL HE'LL WANT

ONE.

EMAILS OBTAINED BY THE A.P. SHOW

THAT SOME MILITARY OFFICERS WHO

ARE IN CHARGE OF THE AIR FORCE'S

MOST POWERFUL NUCLEAR WEAPONS

ARE COMPLAINING ABOUT THEIR

JOBS.

>> Stephen: COMPLAINING?

NUCLEAR LAUNCH OFFICER IS IS THE

COOLEST JOB EVER.

NOW IF A GIRL SAYS SHE WOULDN'T

SLEEP WITH YOU IF YOU WERE THE

LAST MAN ON EARTH, YOU CAN CALL

HER BLUFF.

I WOULD LOVE TO BE IN YOUR PLACE

STANDING 24-HOUR WATCH OVER

NUCLEAR MISSILES ALERT AT ALL

TIMES, READY TO LAUNCH UPON

PRESIDENTIAL ORDER.

BUT INSTEAD OF FEELING HONORED

BY THEIR MONUMENTAL DUTY, THESE

OFFICERS ARE WHINING ABOUT BEING

STUCK IN DEAD-END CAREERS.

OH, COME ON!

YOU HAVE TONS OF TRANSFERABLE

SKILLS.

YEARS OF SITTING IN A CHAIR IN A

CONSTANT STATE OF PARANOIA WOULD

MAKE YOU PERFECT ANCHORS FOR FOX

NEWS.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

GOT A LOT OF FOX NEWS FANS

TONIGHT.

AND THIS ISN'T THE FIRST

INCIDENT UNDERMINING OUR NUCLEAR

READINESS, FOLKS.

LAST MONTH, THE SAME LAUNCH

CREWS EARNED A D-GRADE ON THEIR

MASTERY OF MISSILE LAUNCH

OPERATIONS.

A D-GRADE?

COME ON.

WE ARE FIGHTING THE CHINESE

HERE.

YOU KNOW THEIR CREWS ARE GOING

TO EARN STRAIGHT...

I WANT TO SAY, A BOOK SHELF ON

TOP OF A CHRISTMAS TREE.

WELL, FOLKS, TO TELL YOU WHAT,

TO HELP PUMP UP THE NEXT

GENERATION FOR A REWARDING

CAREER IN NUCLEAR SERVICE, I

HAVE DEVELOPED AN EXCITING NEW

VIDEO GAME: "CALL OF DUTY:

PADDED CHAIR."

IT'S A FIRST-PERSON SITTER, AND

IT CAPTURES ALL THE EXCITEMENT

OF THE REAL THING.

ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS SIT

PERFECTLY STILL NOT PUSHING A

BIG, BEAUTIFUL, SHINY, JOLLY

BUTTON, THE RED, CANDY-LIKE

BUTTON.

JUST BEGGING TO BE LAUNCHED.

[BLEEP].

OH, WELL.

YOU CAN PLAY AGAIN IN 100,000

YEARS.

WE'LL BE RIGHT

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