Colbert Platinum - Huayra Sports Car, Phil Mickelson & Belle Isle

  • Aired:  02/19/13
  •  | Views: 26,814

The super rich acquire $1.2 million cup holders, Phil Mickelson takes drastic action against tax hikes, and Rod Lockwood plans to buy an island from Detroit. (7:43)

>> Stephen: OH WELL.

IT'S LIKE THE OLD SAYING, THE WORLD ENDS NOT WITH A BANG, BUT WITH A LIGHT SNACK.

[LAUGHTER]

NATION, FOUR YEARS AGO-- THANKS TO OBAMA'S SOCIALIST POLICIES-- THE NEW YORK STOCK EXCHANGE

BOTTOMED OUT AT LESS THAN 6500.

BUT TODAY-- NO THANKS TO OBAMA'S SOCIALIST POLICIES-- THE DOW IS BACK!

>> A HISTORY-MAKING DAY ON WALL STREET.

>> THE DOW INDUSTRIALS AS WELL AS THE S&P 500 CLOSED AT THEIR HIGHEST POINT IN FIVE YEARS.

THE DOW ENDED JUST UNDER 14,036.

>> Stephen: 14,036.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, 14,036 DO YOU UNITS.

DOWNTONS?

I DON'T HAVE TO TELL YOU WHAT THAT MEANS.

DO I?

[LAUGHTER]

I DON'T, GOOD.

AND AMERICA HAS GOT A LOT TO SHOW FOR ALL THAT DOW-ING.

>> ONE WAY TO LOOK AT THE STOCK MARKET IS AS A GIANT, WEALTH-CREATION MACHINE, AND IT

HAS JUST CREATED A LOT OF WEALTH.

WE ARE NOW OFFICIALLY AT THE COUNTRY'S ALL-TIME PEAK OF MILLIONAIRES AND BILLIONAIRES.

>> Stephen: YES, WE ARE AT PEAK BILLIONAIRE.

[LAUGHTER]

PARTLY DUE TO TAX POLICIES THAT FAVOR THE BILLIONAIRE SUPER RICH, AND PARTLY DUE TO

CLONING THEMSELVES FOR SPARE PARTS.

LAX LA.

[LAUGHTER]

AND NOW THAT WE ULTRA-LOADED ARE SO NUMEROUS AGAIN, I'M GONNA GIVE THE MONEYED MASSES THE NEWS

THEY CAN USE--- THIS IS COLBERT PLATINUM!

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

♪ ♪ A QUICK REMINDER: THIS SEGMENT IS FOR PLATINUM MEMBERS ONLY.

SO IF YOUR PERSONAL FOOD TASTER DOESN'T HAVE A PERSONAL TRAINER, WHY DON'T YOU RUN ALONG AND SEE

IF YOUR LOCAL VALPAK HAS COUPON FOR IRREGULAR HAMBURGER MEAT?

[LAUGHTER]

OKAY, THEY'RE GONE.

PLATINUM NATION, AS THE RANKS OF US SUPERRICH CONTINUE TO SWELL, YOU NEED A RIDE THAT SAYS "SUCK

ON MY MONEY SACK," TASTEFULLY.

[LAUGHTER]

NOW, YOU'VE GOT YOUR ROLLS, YOUR MAYBACH, YOUR ASTIN MARTIN.

BUT IF YOU REALLY WANT TO TURN HEADS YOU'LL NEED THE 2013 PAGANI HUAYRA, AN ULTRA-LUXURY

SPORTS CAR THAT CAN GO 230 MILES AN HOUR WITH A PRICE TAG OF $1.2 MILLION.

[AUDIENCE OOHHS]

IT'S A VEHICLE OF SUCH PRESTIGE, THAT THE SIDE MIRRORS READ: WARNING: PEOPLE IN MIRROR ARE

JUST OBJECTS.

DON'T WORRY ABOUT HITTING THEM.

[LAUGHTER]

BUT THE REAL ATTRACTION FOR THE PLATINUM AMERICAN IS THE UNIQUE FEATURE THAT MAKES OF THE HUAYRA

SO RARE.

>> EIGHTEEN AMERICANS HAVE BOUGHT HUAYRAS.

THE FIRST DELIVERY IS SCHEDULED FOR JULY.

THAT IS IF, AND THIS IS A BIG IF, THE CAR IS LEGAL.

RIGHT NOW, THE HUAYRA IS NOT APPROVED BY THE TRANSPORTATION DEPARTMENT FOR U.S. ROADS.

>> Stephen: YOU CANNOT DRIVE IT.

WHICH MAKES IT THE ULTIMATE LUXURY.

ANY SCHMO CAN OWN A CAR THAT CAN TAKE YOU SOME PLACE.

BUT ONLY THE TRUE ELITE CAN AFFORD A $1.2 MILLION CUPHOLDER.

JUST IMAGINE HOW MUCH YOU'LL ENJOY RUBBING IT IN YOUR FRIENDS' FACES, PROVIDED THEY

GIVE YOU A RIDE TO THEIR HOUSE FIRST.

[LAUGHTER]

AND PLATINUM NATION, SPEND IT WHILE YOU CAN, BECAUSE CALIFORNIA'S NEW TAX PLAN FOR

THE WEALTHY HAS ALREADY CLAIMED ONE CASUALTY.

>> PHIL MICKELSON, HE'S CALIFORNIA BASED AND HE'S HAD IT WITH TAXES.

HE SAYS HE'S GOING TO TAKE DRASTIC ACTION BECAUSE HIS TAX RATE IS 63%.

MIKELSON'S GOING TO TAKE DRASTIC ACTION!

AND IN PRO GOLF, THAT COULD MEAN CARRYING HIS OWN PUTTER!

[LAUGHTER]

BUT HE'S GOT NO CHOICE.

HE MAKES ONLY $60 MILLION A YEAR.

AND CALIFORNIA'S RAISED HIS TAXES 3%.

SO MICKELBACK IS CONSIDERING MOVING OUT OF CALIFORNIA OR EVEN RETIRING ALTOGETHER.

I WARNED YOU THAT THESE TAX HIKES WOULD CAUSE OUR BEST AND BRIGHTEST TO TAKE THEIR TALENTS ELSEWHERE.

DO YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENS IF PHIL MICKELSON ISN'T HERE TO WIN THOSE MILLIONS OF DOLLARS?

SOMEONE ELSE WILL!

[LAUGHTER]

IS THAT SUDDENLY OKAY?!

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

LUCKILY FOR GUYS LIKE PHIL AND ME, THERE MAY SOON BE A NEW COMMUNITY WHERE HIGH EARNERS

ARE SAFE.

AND IT'S IN THE LAST PLACE YOU'D THINK: DETROIT.

SURE, WE ALL KNOW THE MOTOR CITY HAS SEEN BETTER DAYS.

LIKE SAY, DURING THE ICE AGE.

[LAUGHTER]

BUT IT'S NOT ALL BAD.

TAKE BELLE ISLE, A THOUSAND-ACRE ISLAND AND PUBLIC PARK THAT MANY CONSIDER THE JEWEL OF DETROIT.

IT'S NO SURPRISE, "BELLE" MEANS "BEAUTIFUL," AND "ISLE" MEANS "NOT CONNECTED TO DETROIT."

[LAUGHTER]

[LAUGHTER]

AND NOW --

[LAUGHTER]

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

AND NOW, IT'S ABOUT TO GET BETTER, THANKS TO LIBERTARIAN REAL ESTATE DEVELOPER AND

DOUBLY-NAMED PORN STAR ROD LOCKWOOD WHO PLANS TO BUY THE ISLAND FROM DETROIT AND CONVERT IT INTO AN

INDEPENDENT COMMONWEALTH "FOUNDED ON THE PRINCIPLES OF LIMITED GOVERNMENT, WHERE

RESIDENTS WOULD NOT PAY ANY CORPORATE OR INCOME TAXES." FINALLY, A CONSEQUENCE-FREE

PARADISE FOR RICH AMERICANS, OTHER THAN THE REST OF AMERICA.

[LAUGHTER]

THIS HAVEN FOR THE WEALTHY IS THE REALIZATION OF A DREAM FROM LOCKWOOD'S SELF-PUBLISHED NOVEL,

ALSO CALLED "BELLE ISLE," IN THE TRADITION OF OTHER FICTIONAL TAX SHELTERS LIKES "NARNIA" AND

"WHERE THE WILD THINGS HIDE THEIR ASSETS."

[LAUGHTER]

AND THIS PLAN DOESN'T JUST HELP THE WEALTHY, IT BENEFITS THE ENTIRE CITY OF DETROIT.

>> DETROIT'S BEEN IN DECLINE FOR 60 YEARS.

THIS WOULD BE A GAME-CHANGER FOR DETROIT BECAUSE IT WOULD ATTRACT 35,000 OR MORE PEOPLE FROM ALL

OVER THE WORLD.

THE PURCHASE OF THE PROPERTY FOR $1 BILLION FROM THE CITY OF DETROIT, WHICH WOULD

REALLY HELP DETROIT.

>> Stephen: YES, YES, GREATLY HELP DETROIT.

BECAUSE WHAT THEY REALLY NEEDS IS A PRISTINE PRIVATE ISLAND THAT THEY CAN SEE FROM

THE BARS OF THEIR POST-INDUSTRIAL HELLSCAPE.

SO THANK YOU, ROD LOCKWOOD, FOR SHOWING THE PEOPLE OF DETROIT THAT WHEN LIFE GIVES YOU LEMONS

TAKE THE LEMONS TO YOUR OWN ISLAND SO YOU CAN DON'T HAVE TO SHARE THE LEMONADE.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

WELL, THAT'S IT FOR COLBERT PLATINUM.

JOIN ME NEXT TIME WHEN I SHOW YOU HOW TO TURN A WALDORF SALAD INTO A WAITER LOSING

HIS JOB.

I SAID NO GREEN APPLES!

[LAUGHTER]

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

♪ ♪