Pope Francis's Breastfeeding Support & Affordable Sainthood

  • Aired:  01/20/14
  •  | Views: 26,068

Pope Francis encourages women to nurse their babies in the Sistine Chapel and moves to slash the cost of sainthood. (3:11)

>> Stephen: WELCOME BACK,EVERYBODY.

FOLKS, YOU KNOW, I DON'TTHINK IT'S ANY SECRET IF I

TELL YOU FOLKS THAT I LOVETHE CATHOLIC CHURCH.

NEED PROOF?

WELL YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE TOTAKE IT ON FAITH.

IN FACT, OUT OF 1.2 BILLIONCATHOLICS OUT THERE, THERE

IS ONLY ONE OF THEM WHOREALLY BOTHERS ME.

IT'S THIS GUY NAMED FRANK. I AMSO P.O.-ED AT THIS SOCIALIST

POOR-CODDLING, GAY NOT-JUDGINGFOOT-WASHING ATHEIST

HUGGING AUDACITY OF POPETHAT I HAVE TO TELL YOU I

MAY START FLIRTING WITHOTHER RELIGIONS.

FULL CONFESSION LAST NIGHTHAD A FEW DRINKS AND TEXTED

YOU UPTO THAT TREE FROM AVATAR.

FOLKS, I SEE YOU.

I SEE YOU.

AND FOLKS, THE POPE'S LATESTASSAULT ON OUR TRADITIONAL

VALUES IS OUTRAGEOUS.

>> POPE FRANCIS ENCOURAGEDMOTHERS TO BREAST-FEED THEIR

BABIES IN THE SISTINE CHAPELYESTERDAY DURING A BAPTISM

CEREMONY, A DOWN TO EARTHPONTIFF SAID IF THEY ARE

HUNGRY, THEN FEED THEM.

DON'T THINK TWICE.

>> Stephen: HOW DARE, HOWDARE, I CLAP WHEN I'M ANGRY

TOO.

HOW DARE THE POPE ENCOURAGEJUST TO WHIP THEM OUT IN

PUBLIC.

THE CATHOLIC CHURCH SPENTTHE PAST 2,000 YEARS MAKING

US FEEL SHAME ABOUT OURBODIES. THAT IS

WHY I SHOWER IN A BATHINGSUIT WHILE WEARING ONE OF

THOSE DOG CONES, OKAY?

(LAUGHTER)THE SHOWER IS OVER WHEN I

START TO DROWN.

(LAUGHTER)PLUS ENCOURAGING WOMEN TO

BREAST-FEED VIOLATES THECENTRAL TENET OF

CATHOLICISM THERE IS NOSNACKING IN CHURCH.

IF THAT KIDS ALLOWED TO CHOWDOWN AT HIS PERSONAL DAIRY

QUEEN I SHOULD BE ALLOWED TOBRING IN A PLATE OF BUFFALO

WINGS, ALL RIGHT?

YOU WANT TO PUT SOME-- YOUWANT TO PUT SOME BUTTS IN THE

PEWS? FILL UP THE BAPTISMALFONTS WITH BLUE CHEESE

AND PUT THE GAME UP ON THEALTER.

THE POINT IS SOMEONE NEEDSTO STOP THIS HIPPIE

BEFORE HE STARTS WEARING TIEDYE VESTMENTS AND GIVING OUT

SERMONS ABOUTJESUS MULTIPLYING THE LOAVES

AND THE PHISH TICKETS.

AND THAT'S NOT THE ONLYTHING THAT GOT ME HEADED FOR

THE NARTHEX.

>> THE FRUGAL LIVING POPEFRANCIS IS LOOKING TO SCALE

BACK THE COST OF BECOMING ASAINT.

VATICAN LEADERS ARE NOWBEING GIVEN AN UNANNOUNCED

REFERENCE PRICE TO USE AS AGUIDE IN SAINTHOOD

APPLICATIONS, AS PART OF ANEFFORT TO CUT DOWN ON THE

COST AND MAKE IT MORE EQUALFOR CASES WITH LESS FUNDING.

CASES SUPPORTED BY WEALTHYDONORS MAKE IT THROUGH

FASTER.

>> YOU CAN'T SLASH THE PRICEOF BECOMING A SAINT.

BEING RICH IS THE FIRSTMIRACLE

(LAUGHTER)>> SAINTHOOD IS LIKE GOD'S

COUNTRY CLUB.

THEY DON'T LET IN POORPEOPLE OR JEWS.

BUT-- IF THERE IS A POORCANDIDATE THEY JUST NEED TO

GET RESOURCEFUL LIKE MOTHERTERESA BY SELLING

SPONSORSHIP ON THEIR ROBES.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

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