"Watters' World" - Tad's Turf

  • Aired:  05/01/14
  •  | Views: 45,254

Stephen's building manager visits Columbia University in an effort to find laughably ignorant students. (5:01)

NATION, I HAVE TO ADMITSOMETHING.

HERE, HERE ON THE REPORTEVERY NIGHT NAILING

POLITICIANS AND PUNDITS,SOMETIMES I WORRY THAT I

HAVE LOST TOUCH WITH EVERYDAY FOLKS.

BUT WATTERS WORLD HAS SHOWNME I CAN FEEL SUPERIOR TO

AVERAGE AMERICANS AS WELL.

OF COURSE I CAN'T GOINTERVIEW PEOPLE MYSELF

BECAUSE I HAVE A MEDICALCONDITION WHERE I DON'T WANT

TO.

BUT I DO HAVE ONE EMPLOYEEWHO IS PERFECT FOR THE JOB.

MY BUILDING MANAGER TAD.

HE'S GOT ALL THEQUALIFICATIONS THAT JESSE

WATTERS DOES.

HE REFLECTS LIGHT.

(LAUGHTER)AND THAT'S ABOUT IT.

SO I ALSO-- (APPLAUSE)

I ALSO SENT TAD UP TOLIBERAL COLUMBIA UNIVERSITY

TO SEE JUST HOW MISINFORMEDTODAY'S YOUTH ARE IN THE

FIRST INSTALLMENT OF MY LONG-RUNNING SERIES, TAD'S

TURF.

>> I WENT UP TO COLUMBIA TOENROLL THOSE IVY LEAGUERS IN

THE UNIVERSITY OF TAD.

>> THIS IS TAD'S TURF, ANDYOU'RE ON TAD'S TURF.

>> GREAT.

>> HOW LONG YOU HAVE BEENGOING TO SCHOOL HERE.

>> FOUR YEARS.

>> CHECK OUT THE BIG BRAIN ONBRAD.

>> ARE YOU A STUDENT HERE.

>> YES, I AM.

>> WHAT DO YOU STUDY.

>> I STUDY HISTORY.

>> LET ME SHOW YOU A PICTUREAND I WANT YOU TO TELL ME

WHO IS IS, OKAY?

>> JOE BIDEN.

>> JOE BIDEN?

VICE PRESIDENT.

>> YOU'RE LIKE A DETECTIVE ORSOMETHING.

>> THE VICE PRESIDENT.

>> WHO IS THIS.

>> JOHN KERRY.

>> THAT IS JOHN KERRY.

>> WHAT'S HAPPENING.

>> SUPREME COURT.

>> IS THIS ELENA KAGAN.

>> IF YOU DIDN'T RECOGNIZETHIS WHO WOULD YOU SAY IT

IS.

>> I DO RECOGNIZE HIM.

>> IS HIS NAME ON HERE?

>> CLEARLY SOMEBODY HADWARNED THESE PEOPLE I WAS

COMING.

BUT I HAD A FEW MORE TRICKSUP MY TURF.

>> OKAY SO, WHO IS THIS?

>> THAT'S JOE BIDEN WITH AMUSTACHE.

>> HOW WOULD YOU ANSWER THISQUESTION IF YOU HAD A

CATASTROPHIC BRAIN INJURY.

>> NOT SO SMART NOW ARE YOU.

>> HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO KNOWWHO IT IS IF YOU JUST FLASH ITIN MY FACE

FRANKLY MY DEAR I DON'T GAVE ADAMN.

>> WHAT NUMBER AM I THINKINGOF?

>> 13.

>> DAMN IT.

>> I'M MAD AS HELL ANDI'M TO THE GOING TO TAKE

THIS ANY MORE.

>> SUPREME COURT JUSTICEKAGAN.

>> THAT'S JUST GREAT

NOW WHAT THE[BLEEP] ARE WE SUPPOSED TO

DO.

>> GOOD QUESTION, THERE HADTO BE A WAY TO MAKE YOUNG

PEOPLE SEEM STUPID, I JUSTHAD TO FIND THE RIGHT YOUNG

PEOPLE.

>> DO YOU KNOW WHO THAT IS?

>> NOPE.

>> DO YOU KNOW WHO THAT IS?

WHO IS THIS?

>> I'M NOT A SMART MAN.

>> CAN YOU NAME THREEBRANCHES OF GOVERNMENT?

>> OKAY.

DOGGIE.

>> DOGGIE.

>> COW.

>> COW.

>> HORSEY.

>> WHAT YOU JUST SAID IS ONEOF THE MOST INSANELY IDIOTIC

THINGS I HAVE EVER HEARD.

JUST SO WE UNDERSTAND YOU,YOU HAVEN'T GOTTEN ONE

ANSWER CORRECT.

>> YOU'RE DUMBER THAN RAYBAG OF HAMMERS.

>> ARE YOU WORRIED ABOUT THEFUTURE OF THIS COUNTRY?

>> YEAH.

>> HOW COME.

>> BECAUSE I LOVE IT.

>> WELL, YOUNG PEOPLE SUREHAVE A FUNNY WAY OF SHOWING

IT.

AND THAT'S THE VIEW FROM TAD'STURF.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)>> Stephen: TAD'S TURF,

EVERYBODY.

GREAT JOB, TAD.

GREAT JOB.

I GOT TO TELL YOU, UNTIL ISAW THE TAPE, UNTIL I SAW

THE TAPE I WOULDN'T BELIEVEWHAT A BUNCH OF IDIOTS THOSE

KIDS WERE.

>> THANKS, STEPHEN.

YEAH, PRETTY STUPID.

>> Stephen: NO DOUBT, NODOUBT, NO DOUBT.

THIS IS A GOOD FEELING.

OH IT IS.

>> I CAN'T BELIEVE THOSEYOUNG PEOPLE ARE THE FUTURE.

>> AND WE ARE THE PAST.

(LAUGHTER)(LAUGHTER)

>> Stephen: I'M SO LONELY.

>> I'M SO SORRY.

>> Stephen: WE'LL BE RIGHTBACK.

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