Colbert Report Consumer Alert - Demonic Goodwill Items

  • Aired:  02/28/13
  •  | Views: 18,181

According to Pat Robertson, evil spirits are suckers for secondhand rayon slacks, broken blenders and classic albums like Ken Snyder's "By Request Only." (3:24)

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

[CROWD CHANTING STEPHEN]

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

THANK YOU SO MUCH.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

WELCOME TO THE REPORT.

THANK YOU FOR JOINING US.

WHEN YOU CHANT MY NAME LIKE THAT, YOU MAKE ME FEEL ONE TOKE OVER THE LINE.

[ LAUGHTER ]

THE TOP STORY TONIGHT HAS TO BE THE DRAMATIC NEWS COMING FROM THE WORLD'S MOST POWERFUL

RELIGIOUS LEADER PAT ROBERTSON.

[ LAUGHTER ]

YOU KNOW, IN A WORLD FULL OF WAR AND POVERTY AND MORAL DECAY, PAT IS WILLING TO CONFIRM THE

ETERNAL QUESTIONS.

ON MONDAY HE DID IT AGAIN.

>> THIS IS KERRY WHO SAYS I BUY A LOT OF CLOTHES AND OTHER ITEMS AT GOODWILL AND OTHER SECONDHAND SHOPS.

MY MOM TOLD ME I NEEDED TO PRAY OVER THE ITEMS, BIND FAMILIAR�i SPIRITS ANPi�i�� BLESS THE ITEMS

BEFORE I COME INTO THE HOUSE.

CAN DEMONS ATTACH THEMSELVES TO MATERIAL ITEMS.

>> CAN DEMONIC EXPERIENCE ATTACH THEMSELVES TO INANIMATE OBJECTS THE ANSWER IS YES BUT I DON'T

THINK EVERY SWEATER YOU GET FROM GOODWILL HAS DEMONS IN IT.

>> Stephen: NOT EVERY SWEATER, JUST THE V-NECKS, ALL RIGHT.

[ LAUGHTER ]

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

THAT'S WHY TONIGHT I'M ISSUING A STEPHEN COLBERT CONSUMER ALERT.

FOLKS, I WANT YOU TO HEED PAT ROBERTSON'S WARNING BECAUSE THERE'S A GOOD CHANCE THE ITEMS

YOU BUY AT GOODWILL ARE POSSESSED BY DEMONS.

EVERYBODY KNOWS EVIL SPIRITS ARE SUCKERS FOR RAYON SLACKS, BROKEN BLENDERS AND CLASSIC

ALBUMS LIKE KEN BY REQUEST.

YOU NEED TOLL PURIFY YOUR SECONDHAND�� CLOTHING.�i THANKFULLY MANY SECONDHAND CLOTHING MANUFACTURERS PRINT

DETAILED DEMON BANISHING INSTRUCTIONS ON THE TAG ALONG WITH A SERIES OF SYMBOLS NO ONE UNDERSTANDS.

SEE IF WE HAVE ONE ON IN A SHIRT RIGHT HERE.

OKAY, TO CAST OUT LUCIFER AND ALL OF HIS�i MINIONS, ALWAYS WASH IN COLD, TUMBLE DRY LOW.

VERY IMPORTANT.

HEAT JUST SETS THE DEALON -- DEMON.

AVOID RINSING OUT YOUR WIFE'S DEMONS.

MOST CAN'T GO IN THE DRYER AND HANGING OVER THE CHAIRBACK IS HELL.

YOU WANT TO PRETREAT YOUR DOMON GO.

FORTH AND PURGE YOUR GARMENTS AMERICA, IN