PRISM Surveillance Program

  • Aired:  06/11/13
  •  | Views: 48,342

Conservatives applaud Obama for imitating George W. Bush, and The Guardian wants a Pulitzer for printing Edward Snowden's NSA revelations. (8:08)

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

WELCOME TO THE REPORT,

EVERYBODY.

THANK YOU FOR JOINING US.

>> STEPHEN

Captioning sponsored by

COMEDY CENTRAL

STEPHEN, STEPHEN, STEPHEN!

STEPHEN, STEPHEN, STEPHEN!

>> FOLKS, THANK YOU SO MUCH,

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.

YOU KNOW I NEED IT.

YOU KNOW I NEED IT.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

THANKS, PLEASE, FOLKS.

PLEASE, FOLKS, YOU KNOW,

THANK YOU SO MUCH.

THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR

CHANTING MY NAME.

JESUS HIMSELF SAID MAN

CANNOT LIVE ON BREAD ALONE

BUT BY EVERY WORD, JUST

CHANTED BY YOUR AUDIENCE.

FOLKS, LET'S GET STRAIGHT TO

THE STORY EVERYONE'S TALKING

ABOUT.

THE NSA KNOWS WHAT

EVERYONE'S TALKING ABOUT.

(LAUGHTER)

AND ACCORDING TO STUNNING

NEW ARTICLES FIRST PUBLISHED

BY FRIEND OF THE SHOW AND

PROFESSIONAL BLABBERMOUTH

GLEN GREENWALD IN THE U.K.'S

THE GUARDIAN THE NEWSPAPER,

THE NSA IS ALSO ENGAGING IN

CYBERSNOOPING.

>> NSA THE NATIONAL SECURITY

AGENCY HAS ASSETS TO THE

CENTRAL SERVERS TO SOME OF

THE TOP U.S. TECHNOLOGY

FIRMS THROUGH A PROGRAM

CALLED PRISM, THOSE FIRMS

BEING MICROSOFT, GOOGLE,

YAHOO!, FACEBOOK, APPLE, AOL,

SKYPE, YOUTUBE AND PAL TALK.

>> Stephen: YOU HEARD RIGHT.

THEY'RE MONITORING PAL TALK.

WELL, FOLKS, FOLKS, YOU KNOW

WHAT THAT MEANS.

WE ARE THIS CLOSE TO

LEARNING WHAT PAL TALK IS.

(LAUGHTER)

NOW THIS BETRAYAL OF OUR

NATIONAL SECURITY COMES

COURT SEE OF FORMER CIA

TECHNICAL ASSISTANCE AND

NERD TRYING TO LOOK LIKE A

COOL GUY TRYING TO LOOK LIKE

A NERD EDWARD SNOWDEN.

SNOWDEN LEAKED A TOP SECRET

POWER POINT PRESENTATION

THAT DETAILED HOW THE

GOVERNMENT GATHERS MASSIVE

AMOUNTS OF INFORMATION ON

EVERYTHING BUT GRAPHIC

DESIGN.

(LAUGHTER)

NOW FOLKS, THIS SECRET

PROGRAM'S NAME PRISM IS AN

ACRONYM FOR PLANNING TOOL

FOR RESOURCE INTEGRATION

SYNCHRONIZATION AND

MANAGEMENT.

INCIDENTALLY, FOR REVEALING

PRISM, SNOWDEN MAY SOON BE

IN PRISON, FOR, PROBABLY,

REGRETTING, IDENTIFYING,

SELF, ON, NATIONAL, TV.

NOW DESPITE BEING IMPLICATED

IN THE POWER POINT GOOGLE

DENIES THEIR INVOLVEMENT

SAYING IN A STATEMENT THAT

GOOGLE DOES NOT HAVE A BACK

DOOR FOR THE GOVERNMENT TO

ACCESS PRIVATE USER DATA.

MAYBE SO.

BUT WHEN I GOOGLED THE WORDS

BACK DOOR AND PRIVATE ACCESS,

I SURE FOUND EVIDENCE OF

DISTURBING PROBING.

AND THERE IS ONLY ONE THING,

FOLKS, THAT I DO NOT LIKE

ABOUT THIS WHOLE NSA

SURVEILLANCE.

IT'S HAPPENING ON PRESIDENT

OBAMA'S WATCH.

AND IT'S EARNING HIM HIGH

PRAISE FROM CONSERVATIVES.

>> WHEN YOU LOOK AT IT IS AS

IF GEORGE BUSH IS BACK IN

OFFICE.

>> WHEN YOU LOOK AT THE

STEPS HE HAS TAKEN TO FIGHT

TERROR TO KEEP HIM SAFE IT

IS MUCH ABOUT WHAT GEORGE

BUSH STARTED AND CONTINUED.

WIRETAPS, INDEFINITE

DETENTION, KEEPING

GUANTANAMO OPEN, IT'S DRONE

STRIKES.

I REFER TO IT AS PRESIDENT

BUSH'S FOURTH TERM.

>> Stephen: SHUT UP, BALDY!

GEORGE W. BUSH IS MY HERO.

HE IS MY ROLE MODEL.

HE IS MY DESIGNATED DRIVER.

THIS GUY, THIS GUY IS JUST

IMITATING, IT WILL MAKE ME

LIKE HIM.

I DON'T CARE HOW MANY BALL

GAME US TAKE PLE TO OR HOW

MANY CITIZENS YOU BLOW UP,

YOU'RE NOT MY REAL

PRESIDENT.

YOU'RE JUST SOME GUY NAMED

BARRY!

(LAUGHTER)

I HATE YOU!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

AND FOLKS, WHILE THERE'S A

LOT OF TALK ABOUT E-MAILS

AND PHONE CALLS, I AM WAY

MORE EXCITED ABOUT THE NEW

SURVEILLANCE DEVICES THAT

THEY ARE COOKING UP.

>> IT'S POSSIBLE FOR THEM TO

KNOW WHEN I'M USING MY

MICROWAVE OVEN.

>> GENERAL PETRAEUS WHEN HE

RAN THE CIA GAVE A SPEECH

THAT HE THOUGHT WAS SECRET

AND SOMEBODY COPIED IT AND

MADE IT PUBLIC THAT SAID NEW

MIKE WAVES AND DISHWASHERS

THAT HAVE COMPUTER CHIPS IN

THERE THAT THEY CAN ACCESS

SO THEY KNOW WHEN YOUS ARE

USING YOUR MICROWAVE AND

DISHWASHER.

>> Stephen: I'M NOT

SURPRISED THEY PUT

SURVEILLANCE CHIPS IN

MICROWAVES.

WE KNOW THEY ALREADY HAVE

METAL DETECTORS.

AND WE NEED TO KNOW WHAT

PEOPLE ARE NUKING.

I MEAN ISN'T A MICROWAVE

BORE ITO?

-- BURRITO, A, THEY ARE

FOREIGN AND I KNOW FOR A

FACT THEY HAVE EXPLOSIVE

POTENTIAL.

BUT LOOK, FOLKS, LOOK--

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

FOLKS, I CAN ADMIT THAT THIS

GUARDIAN STORY DOES RAISE A

LOT OF IMPORTANT QUESTIONS.

LIBERALS ASK IF WE ARE

SACRIFICING TOO MUCH FREEDOM

FOR SECURITY.

CONSERVATIVES ASK IF WE ARE

SHOWING OUR HAND TO THE

TERRORISTS BUT THE GUARDIAN

ASKS THE MOST IMPORTANT

QUESTION OF ALL, COULD THE

GUARDIAN WIN A PULITZER FOR

EDWARD SNOWDEN'S NSA

REVELATIONS?

WHICH LEADS ME TO ASK, COULD

I WIN AN EMMY FOR MY REPORT

ON THE GUARDIAN WONDERING IF

THEY COULD WIN A PULITZER.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

AND --

>> STEPHEN, STEPHEN,

STEPHEN!

STEPHEN, STEPHEN, STEPHEN!

STEPHEN, STEPHEN, STEPHEN!

>> I HOPE YOU'RE VOTERS.

AND WILL MY MORNING RERUN BE

ELIGIBLE FOR A KID'S CHOICE

AWARD.

SHOULD WE EVEN BE DISCUSSING

THIS?

WELL, THE PRESIDENT SEEMS TO

THINK SO.

>> NOW I WELCOME THIS

DEBATE.

AND I THINK IT'S HEALTHY FOR

OUR DEMOCRACY.

>> Stephen: YES, I WELCOME

IT TOO, VERY HEALTHY.

IT'S A DEBATE WELL WORTH

HAVING.

THE MOMENT WE FOUND OUT

ABOUT IT IN 2006.

SO ALSO LET'S HAVE A DEBATE

ABOUT WHY THE GILMORE GIRLS

WERE CANCELLED.

BECAUSE FOLKS, THE FACT IS

WE HAD THIS DEBATE.

AND WE SURRENDERED OUR

RIGHTS BACK WHEN WE WERE

PROPERLY IN THE GRIP OF

FEAR.

AND I KNOW IT WON'T BE EASY.

WE'VE GOT TO DIG DOWN DEEP

AND SOMEHOW FIND THE COURAGE

TO STAY SCARED [BLEEP].

(LAUGHTER)

BECAUSE IF IT REALLY BOTHERS

YOU, FOLKS, THERE ARE PLENTY

OF WAYS TO AVOID THIS

GOVERNMENT SURVEILLANCE.

JUST DON'T TEXT, TWEET, MAKE

PHONE CALLS, OR USE PAL TALK

EVEN THOUGH I KNOW THAT'S A

SACRIFICE.

INSTEAD, INSTEAD IF YOU

ABSOLUTELY POSITIVELY NEED

TO GET A MESSAGE TO A FRIEND,

JUST DO WHAT OUR GRANDPARENTS

DID, AND USE A CARRIER

CHICKEN.

ALL RIGHT.

ALL RIGHT.

SIMPLE PROCESS, OKAY.

SIMPLE PROCESS, ALL RIGHT.

JUST SEND A MESSAGE TO MY

BUDDY HERE, MY BUDDY LOU

DAWG.

WHAT'S UP, WHAT UP, LOU

DAWG!

THINGS ARE CHILL HERE.

CAN I POP BY LATER FOR SOME

FRIED CARRIER CHICKEN?

ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, ROLL

THAT UP THERE.

RIGHT THERE.

THERE YOU GO.

AND UH-HUH THERE YOU GO.

AND GO FIND LOU DAWG.

(LAUGHTER)

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