How to Ruin Same-Sex Marriages

  • Aired:  08/05/10
  •  | Views: 272,557

If an openly gay judge can rule on same-sex marriage, we should just let cases about endangered species be decided by a manatee. (8:34)

I GOT TO TELL YOU, IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY DREAM JOURNAL.

HELLO, GAY-MERICA.

DID YOU KNOW THAT YOU WERE GAY?

BECAUSE YOU ARE.

YOU'RE CERTAINLY A WHOLE LOT GAYER THAN YOU WERE YESTERDAY.

AND I THINK WE ALL KNOW WHO TO BLAME.

JIM.

>> A FEDERAL JUDGE HAS OVERTURNED THE BAN ON SAME-SEX MARRIAGE IN CALIFORNIA.

>> THIS JUDGE HAS PROVED THE CASE FOR GAY MARRIAGE IS ULTIMATELY ROOTED IN THE

REJECTION OF COMMON SENSE.

>> THE JUDGE HAS DEALT A TERRIBLE BLOW TO NATURAL MARRIAGE.

>> THE VOTERS' RIGHTS, THE CONSTITUTION AND THIS REPUBLIC WE CALL THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA.

>> Stephen: FOLKS, IT'S ARMMA THE-GAY-DON.

AND WHO KNOWS WHAT TASTEFULLY ARRANGED DESTRUCTION AWAITS US.

AND SURPRISE, SURPRISE,

EVERYBODY, GUESS WHAT WE JUST LEARNED ABOUT JUDGE WALKER.

>> THE LATEST SALVO IN THE WAR OVER GAY MARRIAGE WAS FIRED BY FEDERAL JUDGE VAUGHN R. WALKER,

A REPUBLICAN APPOINTEE WHO IS ALSO OPENLY GAY.

>> Stephen: HE'S GAY.

A CASE THAT AFFECTS GAY PEOPLE BEING DECIDED BY A GAY GUY.

WHY DON'T WE JUST LET CASES ABOUT ENDANGERED SPECIES BE DECIDED BY A MANATEE.

[LAUGHTER]

JUDGE WALKER'S BIG GAY BIAS IS ALL OVER THIS DECISION.

HE EVEN SIGNED GAY.

IT IS SOOOOO ORDERED.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

I DON'T KNOW ABOUT THIS GUY.

NOW, DON'T GET ME WRONG, FOLKS.

GAY PEOPLE ARE PERFECTLY CAPABLE OF SERVING AS JUDGES.

THEY DO A WONDERFUL JOB ON "PROJECT RUNWAY." BUT JUDGE WALKER ISN'T MERELY GAY.

AS NOTRE DAME LAW PROFESSOR AND FOX NEWS CONTRIBUTOR GERALD BRADLEY POINTS OUT, HE'S IN A

STABLE SAME-SEX RELATIONSHIP AND MIGHT WISH OR EXPECT TO WED IF SAME-SEX MARRIAGE BECAME LEGAL.

A STABLE RELATIONSHIP?

WHAT HAPPENED TO TRADITIONAL GAY VALUES, YOU KNOW, HOT, SWEATY,

ROCK-HARD MEN SLAPPING AGAINST EACH OTHER IN A DARK ROOM, NO NAMES.

YOU KNOW, LIKE THE ILLUSTRATION IN WEBSTER'S.

[LAUGHTER]

FOLKS, FOLKS, ON TOP OF EVERYTHING ELSE, IT IS SO CLEAR THIS DECISION IS BAD FOR OUR CHILDREN.

THE FAMILY RESEARCH COUNCIL'S TONY PERKINS KNOWS JUST WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT.

>> SOCIAL SCIENCE SHOWS THAT CHILDREN DO BEST WITH A MOTHER AND A FATHER, NOT TWO ADULTS,

NOT THREE ADULT, NOT FOUR ADULTS.

>> Stephen: THAT'S RIGHT.

YOU CAN'T RAISE KIDS WITH FOUR ADULTS.

SO THANKS FOR THE HELP GRANDMA AND GRANDPA, BUT YOU'RE TOTALLY GAY.

[APPLAUSE]

WORST OF ALL, JUDGE WALKER CLAIMS, "THE EVIDENCE SHOWS THAT BY EVERY AVAILABLE METRIC,

OPPOSITE-SEX COUPLES ARE NOT BETTER THAN THEIR SAME-SEX COUNTERPARTS.

" HOW TYPICAL OF HIM TO USE THE METRIC SYSTEM.

THE GAYEST WAY TO MEASURE THINGS.

[LAUGHTER]

NOTWITHSTANDING THE FINE WORK THEY DO OVER AT INCHES MAGAZINE.

IT'S AS IF... IT'S AS IF WITH THAT LAST STATEMENT THAT THE

JUDGE IS SAYING THAT THERE'S NO SUCH THING AS GAY MARRIAGE.

THERE'S ONLY MARRIAGE, AND GAY PEOPLE HAVE THE SAME RIGHT TO IT AS ANYONE ELSE.

WHICH, FRANKLY, MAKES THE WHOLE IDEA OF GETTING MARRIED SEEM KIND OF GAY.

[LAUGHTER]

THE POINT IS, GAY PEOPLE ARE RUINING OUR MARRIAGES.

SO WE'VE GOT TO RUIN THEIR MARRIAGES RIGHT BACK.

BUT BEFORE I REVEAL HOW WE DO IT, HEY, GAY, VIEWERS, YOU MIGHT WANT THE CHANGE THE CHANNEL TO TLC.

I HEAR THE CAKE BOSS IS ATTEMPTING A MERMAID.

SEE YA LATER.

[LAUGHTER]

OKAY.

THEY'RE GONE.

HERE'S HOW WE'LL STOP THE GAYS FROM MARRYING.

OKAY.

STEP ONE, I CAN'T ALL OF MY STRAIGHT MALE VIEWERS TO START HANGING AROUND IN GAY BARS.

MAKE FRIENDS WITH A GAY MAN.

NOW YOU'RE GOING TO BE SPENDING A LOT OF TIME TOGETHER.

SO YOU'RE GOING TO WANT THE FIND ONE YOU REALLY CLICK WITH.

OKAY.

IT MIGHT SEEM LIKE ALL THE BEST ONES ARE TAKEN, BUT DON'T GET DEPRESSED.

HE'S OUT THERE.

YOU'LL KNOW HIM WHEN YOU MEET HIM.

STEP TWO, MAKE HIM FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU.

STEP THREE, MOVE TO CALIFORNIA.

GET A COZY LITTLE COTTAGE IN VENICE BEACH, MAYBE OPEN AN UPSCALE DOG GROOMING BOUTIQUE.

YOU'RE GOOD WITH BUSINESS AND JONATHAN IS AMAZING WITH ANIMALS.

YOU MEET HIS PARENTS.

HE INTRODUCES YOU AS HIS ROOMMATE.

TENSION.

REALLY, JONATHAN?

IT'S BEEN TWO YEARS.

YOU HAVE A FIGHT.

HE APOLOGIZES, TELLS HIS PARENTS AND THEY'RE NOT SURPRISED.

AND THEY JUST WANT WHAT'S BEST FOR THE BOTH OF YOU.

STEP FOUR.

YOU'RE WINE TASTING IN SONOMA.

YOU STOP AT THIS GREAT LITTLE ANTIQUE PLACE, HIDE A RING INSIDE THE ROLL TOP CREDENZA

HE'S BEEN EYEING FOR WEEKS.

HE OPENS IT, BAM, YOU DROP TO A KNEE AND ASK HIM TO MAKE YOU THE LUCKIEST MAN ON EARTH.

HE SAYS, OF COURSE, BECAUSE YOU'RE A CATCH.

STEP FIVE, STALL.

DO NOT, NOT SET A DATE.

SAY YOU JUST WANT TO WAIT UNTIL YOU'RE FINANCIALLY STABLE.

SAY YOU CAN'T HONEY MOON IN BALI IN THE SUMMER BECAUSE IT'S MONSOON SEASON.

SAY ANYTHING.

JUST DRAG IT OUT.

BEFORE YOU KNOW IT, SIX YEARS HAVE PASSED.

YOU'RE NOT GETTING ANY YOUNGER.

HE'S THREATENING TO LEAVE.

YOU SAY, FINE, FINE, JONATHAN,

NOVEMBER 2 BSD -- 2nd IN BIG SURE.

THE DAY IS PERFECT.

IT'S ON THE BEACH.

WHITE LINEN CASUAL NO SHOES.

CUPCAKES INSTEAD OF A CAKE.

THAT'S FUN.

YOU LET HIS COUSIN PLAY THE O'BOW.

HE'S NOT THAT GOOD BUT IT MEANS THE WORLD TO HIM.

AND AS THE SUN IS SETTING OVER THE PACIFIC AND YOU'VE RECITED YOUR HAND-WRITTEN VOW, THE RABBI

ASKS, IF YOU TAKE THIS MAN TO BE YOUR LAWFUL WEDDED HUSBAND, AND YOU LOOK INTO HIS EYES AND SAY,

"NO WAY [BLEEPED].

I AM NOT GAY." YEAH.

SO ALL THIS SEX WE HAD WAS STRAIGHT SEX.

IT WILL DESTROY HIM.

HE WILL FOREVER BE EMBITTERED AGAINST THE IDEA OF MARRIAGE.

THEN YOUR TRAP SPRUNG, YOU TURN ON YOUR HEEL, MARCH RIGHT BACK UP THAT AISLE PAST YOUR LOVED

ONES SECURE IN THE KNOWLEDGE THAT HE WILL NEVER... [AUDIENCE REACTS]

THAT HE WILL NEVER BE MARRIED TO ANYONE.

CERTAINLY NOT YOU.

AND YOU CAN'T FORGET THE LOOK ON HIS BEAUTIFUL FACE WHEN YOU TOLD HIM.

HIS EYES WERE LIKE TWO DEAD BIRDS.

OH, GOD.

THERE'S ONLY ONE PERSON RIGHT NOW WHO CAN COMFORT HIM, AND THAT'S YOU.

BUT YOU WILL -- HE WILL NEVER TALK TO YOU AGAIN, AND NEITHER WILL HIS AMAZING MOTHER JANET.

WHAT A PILL.

ON VALENTINE'S DAY SHE SENT HIM A BOUQUET OF ACORNS.

SHE LOVES HIM SO MUCH.

[LAUGHTER]

WHAT HAVE I DONE?

SAVED MARRIAGE, THAT'S WHAT.

WELL DONE.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

AND WE'VE GOT TO BECAUSE THOSE PEOPLE DON'T LOVE EACH OTHER LIKE WE DO.

OKAY.

ONCE YOUR JOB IS WELL DONE, YOU GO FIND YOURSELF A NICE GIRL.

MAYBE ONE OF THOSE||||

Loading...