Sport Report - A-Rod's Drug Scandal & Combat Juggling

  • Aired:  08/05/13
  •  | Views: 37,368

Alex Rodriguez is allegedly connected to alleged doping operations at an alleged anti-aging clinic, and combat juggling is the summer's hottest sport. (6:14)

ANYWAY, YOU KNOW, FOLKS, IF YOU

WATCH THIS SHOW, YOU KNOW I AM A

BORN SPORTSMAN.

IN FACT I'VE BEEN TOLD BY MANY

DOCTORS THAT I HAVE ATHLETE'S

FEET.

THIS IS THE SPORT REPORT.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

FIRST UP ON THE SPORT REPORT,

BASEBALL.

FOLKS, LIKE ANY RED-BLOODED

AMERICAN MALE I'M AN AVID

WATCHER OF OUR NATIONAL PASTIME

HUZZAH HUZZAH FOR THE

WHITE-STOCKINGS.

GIVE WHAT-FOR TO THOSE FINKS ON

THE BROOKLYN BRIDEGROOMS BUT

LATELY OUR BELOVED GAME OF

BALL-AND-STICK OR ROUNDERS, AS

THE KIDS CALL IT, HAS HAD TO

CLEAN HOUSE AFTER ANOTHER

PERFORMANCE-ENHANCING DRUG

SCANDAL.

PERSONALLY I WAS ALL FOR

WATCHING A BUNCH OF

WEAPONS-GRADE HUMANOID MONSTERS

TURN THIS SPORT INTO THEIR OWN

PERSONAL PACIFIC RIM BUT

UNFORTUNATELY IT IS AGAINST THE

RULES AND TODAY THE HAMMER CAME

DOWN ON ONE OF THE GAME'S MOST

RECOGNIZABLE LARGER THAN NORMAL

FACES.

>> THEY'VE ANNOUNCED THAT THIRD

BASEMAN ALEX RODRIGUEZ OF THE

NEW YORK YANKEES AND I'M READ

INNING DIRECTLY HAS BEEN

SUSPENDED WITHOUT PAY FOR THE

REMAINDER OF THE 201 SEASON AND

ALSO POST SEASON AND THE ENTIRE

2014 SEASON AS WELL.

FOR VIOLATIONS OF THE JOINT

PREVENTION TREATMENT PROGRAM AND

BASIC AGREEMENT.

>> Stephen: THAT'S RIGHT.

ALEX RODRIGUEZ OR AROD HAS BEEN

SUSPENDED THROUGH THE END OF

NEXT SEASON SO IF HE'S ON YOUR

FANTASY BASEBALL TEAM IT IS TIME

TO SWAP HIM OUT FOR A DIFFERENT

HOBBY.

SERIOUSLY, YOU'RE AN ADULT AND

YOUR WIFE MISSES YOU.

NOW RODRIGUEZ HAS ALLEGEDLY BEEN

CONNECTED TO ALLEGED DOPING

OPERATIONS AT BIOGENESIS AN

ALLEGED MIAMI-BASED ALLEGED

ANTIAGING CLINIC ALLEGEDLY.

FOR THAT M.L.B. BASEBALL

SUSPENDED HIM A TOTAL OF 211

GAMES.

OTHERWISE KNOWN AS WHAT A SINGLE

BASEBALL GAME FEELS LIKE.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

NOW, FOLKS, BASEBALL'S

CONFIDENTIALITY AGREEMENTS MAKE

THE FACTS OF THIS CASE A BIT OF

"HE SAID, SHE SAID, THEN HE

FLIPPEDDED OUT IN A ROID RAGE

AND PUNCHED A WATER HEATER" BUT

THE LEAGUE'S EVIDENCE AGAINST

RODRIGUEZ IS RUMORED TO BE

DAMNING.

>> THEY PROBABLY HAVE EVIDENCE

THAT HE TAMPERED WITH THE

INVESTIGATION AND MAYBE EVEN

TAMPERED WITH SOME OF WITNESSES.

>> THEY FEEL HE NOT ONLY

VIOLATED THE DRUG POLICY.

HE THEN TRIED TO GO AROUND AND

BUY UP EVIDENCE AGAINST THEM.

>> Stephen: SERIOUS STUFF.

THE LEAGUE GREW EVEN MORE

SUSPICIOUS LAST SUMMER WHEN

RODRIGUEZ WON HIS 7th TOUR

DE FRANCE.

PERSONALLY, FOLKS, I THINK THE

BASEBALL'S MAKING A HUGE MISTAKE

HERE.

A TWO-YEAR SUSPENSION MAY SOUND

LIKE A LOT TO YOU AND ME BUT NOT

TO SOMEONE WORKING SO HARD TO

LIVE FOREVER.

RODRIGUEZ CAN JUST WAIT BASEBALL

OUT IN HIS PRIVATE HERMETIC

CHAMBER OF FETAL BOVINE SERUM.

ON A PERSONAL NOTE MY THOUGHTS

GO OUT TO AROD.

I'M SURE HE'LL HAVE A TOUGH TIME

BEING AWAY FROM THE GAME HE

LOVES WHILE CONTINUING TO PLAY

THROUGH HIS APPEAL AND

COLLECTING $61 MILLION IN

GUARANTEED SALARY EVEN IF HIS

CAREER IS OVER.

BUT REMEMBER THANKS TO

BIOGENESIS HE HAS TO SPREAD THAT

$61 MILLION OUT OVER THE NEXT

2,000 YEARS.

OF COURSE, FOLKS, BASEBALL IS

NOT THE ONLY HOT-WEATHER GAME.

AS YOU KNOW, EVERY SUMMER ON

THIS SHOW I ANNOUNCE WHAT SPORT

WE ARE ALL GOING TO BE OBSESSED

WITH.

IN YEARS PAST IT WAS TIMBER

SPORTS, CANOE DANCING, DRESSAGE,

AND THE SHORT-LIVEDDED HORSE

CANOE-CHOPPING.

WELL, GET READY, FOLKS, BECAUSE

THIS SUMMER WE ARE ALL GOING TO

BE INTO THE HOTTEST NEW GAME OUT

THERE.

COMBAT JUGGLING.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

KIDS LOVE THIS.

KIDS LOVE COMBAT JUGGLING.

NOW, I KNOW COMBAT JUGGLING

SOUNDS COMPLICATED SO LET ME

BREAK IT DOWN FOR YOU.

IT'S JUGGLING PLUS COMBAT.

JIM?

>> WHAT A MOVE THERE.

(SCREAMING).

>> Stephen: BOOYAH!

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

OH, BABY!

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

THAT IS SOME PRIMO COME-JUG.

YOU JUST GOT SERVED, ONE

IMAGINES.

FOLKS, THIS IS THE SPORT FOR YOU

IF YOU'VE EVER SEEN SOMEONE

JUGGLING AND THOUGHT, "MAN, I'D

LIKE TO PUNCH THAT GUY."

AND MAKE NO MISTAKE, FOLKS.

COM-JUG IS HARD CORE.

COMBATANTS MUST DISRUPT THEIR

OPPONENT'S JUGGLING BY THROWING

A CLUB HIGH IN THE AIR AND

ATTACKING THEM BEFORE CATCHING

THEIR CLUB AND RESUMING A

THREE-CLUB JUGGLE COMBINING THE

SKILL OF MIXED MARSHAL ARTS WITH

THE HIGH-STAKES EXCITEMENT OF A

FOURTH GRADE BIRTHDAY PARTY.

FOLKS, THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT

COM-JUG VARIATIONS INCLUDING

ZOMBIE BOMB CAT AND SUMO COMBAT

WHERE TWO JUGGLERS TRY TO FORCE

EACH OTHER OUT OF A CIRCLE AND

OF COURSE SOLO COMBAT WHERE YOU

STAY HOME KISSING A PILLOW

BECAUSE THE GIRLS AT SCHOOL

FOUND OUT YOU DO COMBAT

JUGGLING.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

FOLKS, I'M SWEPT UP IN COM-JUG.

I LOVE IT SO MUCH THAT I WISH

OTHER STREET PERFORMANCES WOULD

ADD A COMBAT ELEMENT LIKE

CARICATURE ARTIST THUNDER DOME.

TWO MEN ENTER, ONE MAN LEAVES

WITH A GIANT HEAD HITTING A GOLF

BALL OFF THE EMPIRE STATE

BUILDING OR ULTIMATE BALLOON

ANIMAL WRESTLING WHERE YOU NOT

ONLY HAVE TO PIN YOUR OPPONENT

BUT TIME HIM INTO A POODLE.

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