ThreatDown - Bears in Rehab, Bear Terminators & Sanctimonious Enviro-Bears

  • Aired:  10/03/11
  •  | Views: 28,949

Ukranian bears quit vodka cold turkey, a terminator bear hunts Stephen, and a California black bear steals a Prius. (4:48)

>> Stephen: WELCOME BACK,

EVERYBODY.

NATION, THANK YOU SO MUCH.

FOLKS, THERE IS DANGER

AROUND EVERY CORNER BUT

DON'T FORGET THE CORNER

ITSELF.

THEY CAN BE SURPRISINGLY

SHARP.

THIS IS THE THREATDOWN.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

FIRST UP, FOLKS, HORRIFYING

NEWS OUT OF THE UKRAINE.

FOR MORE WE GO TO CT I WANT

TO SAY 5 WITH A LINE DOWN

THE BACK.

UKRAINE'S NEWS LEADER.

I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE THINKING.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Stephen: BEAR IN A CAGE

AND A LARGE BALD MAN,

CLEARLY UKRAINIAN LOVE

STORY.

BUT NO, THE UKRAINES

ENVIRONMENTAL MINISTER AND

WHITE VING RHAMES MYKOLA

ZLOCHEVSKY HAVE VOWED TO PUT

AN END TO THE UKRAINIAN

PRACTICE OF FORCING BEARS TO

DRINK VODKA FOR HUMAN

ENTERTAINMENT.

AND THAT BRINGS US TO THREAT

NUMBER THREE.

BEARS IN REHAB.

(LAUGHTER)

FOLKS, WE CANNOT HAVE BEARS-- WE

CAN'T HAVE BEARS GO THROUGH

THE 12 STEP PROGRAM.

FIRST OFF, THEY'LL EAT THEIR

SPONSORS.

HOW CAN THEY ACCEPT A HIGHER

POWER WHEN THEIR GODLESS

KILLING MACHINES.

THEY MAY BE GOING COLD

TURKEY BUT THAT COLD TURKEY

IS JUST AN APPETIZER FOR

HOTMAN.

KEEP THEM DRUNK.

NEXT UP, A DISTURBING STORY

OUT OF CONNECTICUT.

>> HE SAYS HE AWOKE AND

HEARD A LOUD NOISE.

HE CAME OUT ON TO HIS DESK,

LOOKED DOWN AND RIGHT HERE

AT HIS BIRTH YEAR WAS A

GIANT BEAR.

THE BEAR STAYED IN HIS

BACKYARD FOR ABOUT HALF AN

HOUR CHOMPING AWAY AT THE

FOOD INSIDE THE BIRD

FEEDERS.

>> Stephen: NOTHING TO SEE

HERE, INNOCENT ENOUGH BUT

LISTEN TO THE MAN'S NAME.

>> RICH COLBERT SAYS BOTH

TIMES THE BEAR HAS BEEN HERE

HAS GONE AFTER HIS BIRD

FEEDER.

>> Stephen: RICH COLBERT,

FOLKS, CLEARLY I'M BEING

HUNTED.

THEY'VE HEARD ABOUT MY

ANTI-BEAR STANCE AND THIS

BEAR IS GOING THROUGH ALL

THE COLBERTS IN THE PHONE

BOOK LOOKING FOR ME.

WHERE--

(APPLAUSE)

>> Stephen: WHERE HAVE I

SEEN THAT BEFORE.

(LAUGHTER)

WHICH BRINGS ME TO THREAT

NUMBER TWO.

BEAR TERMINATORS.

NOW FOLKS--

(APPLAUSE)

I'M NOT SAYING THAT HE'S A

CYBORG BEAR, THAT WOULD BE

INSANE.

I'M JUST SAYING HE'S A BEAR

SENT FROM THE FUTURE TO KILL

ME, MANKIND'S ONLY REMAINING

HOPE IN THE INEVITABLE BEAR

WAR OF 2025.

AND RICHARD COLBERT, THE

BEAR'S ALREADY UP TO THE Rs.

NEXT, NEXT-- NEXT COMES-- NEXT

COMES RODNEY, RONALD, RUPERT,

THEN SAMMY, SERGIO AND SIMON.

THEN ME.

(LAUGHTER)

SO IF ANY BEARS ASK YOU,

THIS IS STEPHEN COLBERT.

OKAY?

(APPLAUSE)

>> Stephen: OH, AND BEARS,

BEARS, HE TASTES LIKE HONEY.

DON'T ASK ME HOW I KNOW.

FINALLY, FOLKS, THERE'S A

NEW KIND OF BURGLAR PREYING

ON CALIFORNIA.

>> A BLACK BEAR TAKES A WILD

RIDE AFTER STEALING A CAR.

TAKE A LOOK AT THE WRECKAGE

OF THIS PRIUS, A BLACK BEAR

CLIMBED COMPLETELY INTO IT

WHILE THE CAR WAS PARKED

OUTSIDE A LAKE TAHOE CABIN.

IT SOMEHOW HIT THE GEAR

SHIFT AND ENDED UP DRIVING

THE CAR BACKWARDS.

>> Stephen: APPARENTLY A

BEAR ALSO SHIFTS IN THE

WOODS.

(LAUGHTER)

BUT FOLKS--

(APPLAUSE)

TRUE STORY, TRUE STORY.

BUT FOLKS, THIS PRIUS

DRIVING ERSINE BRINGS ME TO

THE NUMBER ONE THREAT IN

AMERICA, SANCTIMONIOUS ENVIE

RO BEARS.

IT IS BAD ENOUGH THEY EAT

ORGANIC SALMON, RIDE AROUND

ON BIKES AND ARE LITERALLY

TREE HUGGERS, NOW THEY'RE

DRIVING HYBRIDS.

SO NOW INSTEAD OF MALLING

YOU TO DEATH, IT WILL BORE

YOU TO DEATH BYIAMERING ON

ABOUT HOW YOUR WATER BOTTLE

IS LEECHING BPA INTO YOUR

BODY.

PLUS THESE GRR-NOLA MUNCHERS

ARE JUST A BUNCH OF

HYPOCRITES.

I HAPPEN TO KNOW THAT THEY

LITTER THE ARCTIC WITH THEIR

COKE BOTTLES AND NEVER USE

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