Rapiscan Scanners

  • Aired:  01/28/13
  •  | Views: 24,017

With the removal of TSA full-body scanners, America will never complete its national database of radical Islamic naughty parts. (3:21)

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

WELCOME!

BOOM!

BOOM!

WOO!

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

[CROWD CHANTING STEPHEN]

>> Stephen: YES!

YES!

YES!

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

ABSOLUTELY.

WELCOME.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

YES, PLEASE.

THANK YOU, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

WELCOME BACK.

PLEASE.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THOSE BASTARDS HAVE HAD A FREE RIDE LONG ENOUGH.

IT ENDS TONIGHT.

NATION, PRESIDENT OBAMA'S SECOND TERM IS ONLY A WEEK OLD, AND ALREADY WE ARE ONE WEEK CLOSER

TO DYING.

WELCOME TO OBAMACARE.

[ LAUGHTER ]

AND THE PRESIDENT IS DROPPING THE BALL ON HOMELAND SECURITY.

>> THE TSA IS REMOVING THE BODY SCANNERS THAT PRODUCE A NAKED IMAGE OF THE PASSENGERS BODIES.

YOU REMEMBER THOSE?

THEY'RE BEING REMOVED BC THE COMPANY THAT MANUFACTURES THEM COULDN'T MEET A DEADLINE TO

INSTALL THE PRIVACY SOFTWARE.

THEY'RE GOING TO BE REPLACED WITH OTHER SCANNERS THAT PRODUCE A GENERIC OUTLINE OF THE

PASSENGER'S BODY.

>> Stephen: A GENERIC OUTLINE OF THE BODY?

[ LAUGHTER ]

HOW CAN I LEGALLY SHOW THE TSA MY PENIS NOW?

[ LAUGHTER ]

I USED TO WRITE THEM LITTLE MESSAGES IN LEAD-BASED PAINT.

[ LAUGHTER ]

LIKE "GOOD MORNING" OR "ALL EVIDENCE TO THE CONTRARY, I DO "NOT" WISH TO HAVE A KOSHER

MEAL."

[ LAUGHTER ]

OR ON A PARTICULAR CHILLY DAY, "HI."

[ LAUGHTER ]

THE TSA'S JUST CAVING TO PRESSURE BECAUSE THE SCANNERS WERE CRITICIZED FOR BEING TOO INVASIVE.

OH, PLEASE!

WHAT IS INVASIVE ABOUT A TECHNOLOGY CALLED, AND I THINK I'M PRONOUNCING THIS CORRECTLY RAPE-I-SCAN?

[ LAUGHTER ]

THIS IS A MISTAKE, NATION.

NOW, WE'LL NEVER COMPLETE OUR NATIONAL DATABASE OF RADICAL ISLAMIC NAUGHTY PARTS.

[ LAUGHTER ]

WE'D ALREADY ESTABLISHED A PROFILE, YOUNG AND LEANING TO THE RIGHT.

[ LAUGHTER ]

PLUS, IT WAS A DETERRENT.

TERRORISTS ARE KNOWN FOR THEIR MODESTY.

THAT'S WHY KHALID SHEIKH MUHAMMAD WAS WEARING A T-SHIRT OVER THAT SWEATER.

[ LAUGHTER ]

FASHION FANS HERE.

LAUGH THE WORST PART IS, WITHOUT THESE SCANNERS, I HAVE NO REASON TO LAUGH STAY IN SHAPE ANY MORE.

[ LAUGHTER ]

SURE, EXERCISE WILL MAKE ME LOOK BETTER, FEEL BETTER, BE MORE ATTRACTIVE, BUT IF A GOVERNMENT

EMPLOYEE GETTING PAID TEN BUCKS AN HOUR DOESN'T SEE HOW I'VE SHAVED INCHES OFF MY MUFFIN TOP,

WHY EVEN FLY ANYMORE?

[ LAUGHTER ]

I MIGHT AS WELL TAKE THE BUS,