Tip/Wag: Pheromone Parties & Arizona's "Pre-life" Laws

  • Aired:  04/23/12
  •  | Views: 27,330

Pheromone parties encourage premarital smelling, and Arizona lawmakers declare that pregnancy begins two weeks before conception. (4:22)

UNLIKE SOME PEOPLE.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) FOLKS, YOU WATCH THE SHOW.

YOU KNOW, I'M A TASTEMAKER.

EVERYONE WANTS MY SEAL OF APPROVAL.

THE ALTERNATIVE IS MY WALRUS OF CONDEMNATION.

THERE IS TIP OF THE HAT, WAG OF THE FINGER.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) NATION, IT CAN BE TOUGH TO MEET PEOPLE OUT THERE, IT

SEEMS EVERYWHERE YOU GO THE SINGLE PEOPLE YOU MEET ARE ONLY INTO ONE THING,

SOMEBODY ELSE.

BUT A NEW SERVICE IS TRYING TO CHANGE THAT.

PHEROMONE PARTIES WHICH HELPS PEOPLE FIND THEIR MATCH BASED ON SCENT.

HERE IS HOW IT WORKS.

EVERYONE GOING TO THE PARTY SLEEPS IN A CLEAN T-SHIRT FOR THREE NIGHTS TO CAPTURE

THEIR ODOR, AND THEN BRINGS THAT SHIRT IN A ZIPLOCKED BAG TO THE PARTY.

THE BAGS ARE THEN PLACED ON A TABLE WHERE GUESTS CAN SMELL THEM AT THEIR LEISURE

TO SEE IF THEY WANT TO MEET THE PERSON BEHIND THE STANK.

IT'S DOUBLY CONVENIENT BECAUSE SHOULD YOU SUDDENLY HAVE THE AGONIZING

REALIZATION THAT YOU HAVE BEEN REDUCED TO SMELLING OLD T-SHIRTS TO FIND A DATE-- (LAUGHTER)

>> YOUR HEAD IS ALREADY IN A PLASTIC BAG, JUST ZIP IT SHUT.

PLUS-- (APPLAUSE)

>> I'M GIVING A WAG OF MY FINGER TO PHEROMONE PARTIES FOREIGN COURAGING PREMARITAL SMELLING.

READ THE BIBLE, YOU MUST WAIT FOR THE WEDDING DAY,

AFTER THE PRIEST SAYS YOU MAY NOW SNIFF THE BRIDE.

THAT'S WHY WE WEAR COLOGNE,

TO KEEP US FROM SMELLING EACH OTHER AND FALLING INTO A WILD, UNCONTROLLABLE RUT.

ONCE AGAIN, MY APOLOGIES TO DORIS CONCERNS GOODWIN,

USING SENSE OF SMELL TO FIND YOUR SOULMATE SAY SLIPPERY SLOPE, FOLKS.

PRETTY SOON OUR YOUNG SINGLES WILL HAVE TAWDRY ONE-NIGHT STANDS WITH BOUNCE

DRYER SHEETS AND THE SNUGGLE BEAR.

YOU SLUT!

(APPLAUSE) NICE.

NEXT UP, EVER SINCE REPUBLICANS STARTED TALKING ABOUT DEFUNDING PLANNED PARENTHOOD DEMOCRATS HAVE

ACCUSED THE RIGHT OF HAVING A WAR ON WOMEN.

WELL, THAT'S RIDICULOUS.

WHY WOULD WE GO TO WAR ON WOMEN.

THEY DON'T HAVE ANY OIL.

THE FACT IS, REPUBLICANS CARE DEEPLY ABOUT WOMEN.

JUST WOMEN WHO HAVEN'T BEEN BORN YET.

AND NOW IN ARIZONA, THEY'RE EVEN LOOKING OUT FOR FEMALES WHO HAVEN'T BEEN CONCEIVED YET.

>> ARIZONA LAWMAKERS HAVE JUST PASSED THREE ANTIABORTION BILLS,

INCLUDING ONE THAT DECLARES THAT PREGNANCIES BEGIN TWO WEEKS BEFORE CONCEPTION.

IT BASICALLY SAYS THAT THE GESTATION BEGINS WHEN YOU OVULATE AND NOT WHEN YOU

ACTUALLY-- WHEN THE EGG IS INSEMINATED.

>> THEY ARE NOT ONLY PRO-LIFE, THEY ARE PRELIFE.

(LAUGHTER)

>> SO A BIG TIP OF THE HAT TO THE STATE OF ARIZONA FOR CALLING A WOMAN LEGALLY

PREGNANT TWO WEEKS BEFORE SHE IS ACTUALLY PREGNANT.

THAT MEANS, ACCORDING TO ARIZONA LAW, ANY WOMAN WHO IS NOT PRESENTLY MEN STRAIGHTING IS PREGNANT SO

CON-- MENSTRUATING IS PREGNANT.

SO CONGRATULATIONS, NANA.

SHE'S NOT SHOWING AT ALL.

SHE'S NOT SHOWING AT ALL.

SHE MUST BE IN LIKE HER 95th TRIMESTER.

BUT YOU'RE NOT OFF THE HOOK,

FELLAS.

REMEMBER, YOUR SPERM CARRIES THE CHROMOSOME THAT DETERMINES GENDER.

SO OUR BALLS ARE ALSO PREGNANT.

MAKES SENSE, I HAVEN'T HAD MY PERIOD IN YEARS.

THIS IS SO MUCH RESPONSIBILITY.

I MEAN I WANT TO BRING THEM UP RIGHT.

YOU KNOW, PEOPLE SAY PLAYING MOZART TO YOUR BABY IN UTERO MAKES THEM SMARTER.

SO-- I THINK, UM, I THINK IT'S TIME TO PLAY SOME -- -- (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> A LITTLE, A LITTLE NUT MS. IC TO MY MAGIC FLUTE.

>> OH, I THINK I FELT A LITTLE KICK.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

Loading...