Tip/Wag - Conservative John Lennon & Unfunny Germany

  • Aired:  07/11/11
  •  | Views: 45,624

John Lennon was a closet Republican, and a European poll ranks Germany as the world's least funny country in spite of the name of their breakfast cheese. (5:34)

>> Stephen: WELCOME BACK,

EVERYBODY.

NATION, THANK YOU, FOLKS.

FOLKS, REVIEWERS ALL KNOW

THAT I NEVER RUSH TO

JUDGEMENT.

I LIKE TO SAVOR MY

CONDEMNATIONS.

THIS IS TIP OF THE HAT, WAG

OF THE FINGER.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

FOLKS, I AM A LIFELONG FAN

OF THE BEATLESING ESPECIALLY

THEIR EARLY STUFF.

THEY KIND OF LOST ME AFTER

THEY GOT ALL FREAKY WITH

THAT I WANT TO HOLD YOUR

HAND.

OF COURSE EVERYBODY HAD

THEIR FAVORITE THERE WAS

PAUL THE CUTE ONE, GEORGE

THE QUIET ONE, RINGO THE

RINGO ONE, AND JOHN, THE

CONSERVATIVE ONE.

JIM.

>> JOHN LENNON, THE VOICE OF

CONSERVATIVES?

IT COULD HAVE HAPPENED A

LONG TIME FRIEND SAYS

LENNON'S POLITICS WERE

RIGHT-LEANING LATER IN LIFE.

SAYING LENNON WAS A RONALD

REAGAN FAN AND LOVED ARGUING

WITH HIS FRIENDS.

HIS POLITICS FELL LEFT OF

CENTRE.

>> AHA!.

WE GOT A BEATLE.

>> THAT'S WHY I'M GIVING A

TIP OF MY LAT TO CLOSET

REPUBLICAN JOHN LENNON.

>>

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> FOLKS, THIS CLAIM IS ROCK

SOLID.

AFTER ALL IT COMES FROM A

GUY WHO WORKS FOR LENNON FOR

OVER A YEAR BASED ON A

SINGLE CONVERSATION WITH

LENNON 31 YEARS AGO WHERE

LENNON SAID HE MIGHT VOTE

FOR REAGAN INSTEAD OF

CARTER.

FOLKS, I CANNOT WAIT TO RUB

THIS IN THE FACE OF ALL

THOSE PEAKNIK HIPPIES WHO

HAVE BEEN SINGING LENNON

SONGS IN THEIR ANARCHIST PAN

SEXUAL POT SMOKING DRUM

CIRCLE.

BECAUSE CONSERVATIVE VALUES

RUN THROUGHOUT LENNON'S

SONG.

LUCY IN THE SKY WITH

DIAMONDS WAS JUST A CODED

MESSAGE SECRETLY ENDORSING

SUPPLY-SIDE ECONOMICS

BECAUSE SOONER OR LATER

LUCY'S SKY DIAMONDS WOULD

TRICKLE DOWN.

(LAUGHTER)

>> AND OBVIOUSLY WHEN JOHN

SANG I AM THE EGGMAN I AM

THE WALRUS GOO GOO G'JOOB,

HE MEANT TORT REFORM?

(APPLAUSE)

SO LENNON WAS A CONSERVATIVE

UNLESS HE COMES ON TO MY

SHOW AND DEBATES ME

OTHERWISE.

IF HE DOESN'T, HE IS A

COWARD.

NEXT, A WAG OF MY FINGER TO

BBADU.COM WHICH IS TO THE A

SOCIAL NETWORK FOR FANS OF

ERYKAH BADU T SAY EUROPEAN

SOCIAL NETWORKING SITE WITH

120 MILLION MEMBERS WHICH

CONDUCTED A POLL THAT RANKED

GERMANEE AS THE WORLD'S

LEAST FUNNY COUNTRY.

WHAT?

GERMANNEE NOT FUNNY, REALLY?

THEY HAVE A BREAKFAST CHEESE

NAMED ONERAMMERGAUER, ALPE

KRAUTER DELIQATESSE.

FRUSTUCK, KASE.

THE FUNNY PART IS BY THE

TIME ARE YOU DONE SAYING IT

THEY HAVE INVADED YOUR

COUNTRY.

(LAUGHTER)

CLEARLY, CLEARLY GERMAN

COMEDY HAS GOT ENA BAD RAP

SO TONIGHT I'M GOING TO

CLEAR THE GERMAN'S GOOD NAME,

HERE TO TICKLE YOUR FUNNY

BONES, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,

PLEASE WELCOME GERMAN

AMBASSADOR TO THE UNITED

NATIONS, THE HONORABLE HANS

BEINHOLTZ.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

LAST NIGHT I LEFT THE TOILET

SEAT UP.

MY WIFE WAS ENRAGED.

(LAUGHTER)

DOM ES 'TIS SIT A CAGE OF

OUR OWN INVENTION.

THIS GUY KNOWS WHAT I'M

TALKING ABOUT.

(LAUGHTER)

WHAT IS THE NATURE OF GRAPE

NUTS.

THEY ARE NEITHER GRAPES NOR

NUTS.

AND SO THE SAD FARCE

CONTINUES.

(LAUGHTER)

IS THERE ANYONE HERE ON A

FIRST DATE?

LOVE IS AN EMPTY PROMISE.

(LAUGHTER)

TODAY YOU ARE YOUNG, HOLDING

HANDS, THINKING OF THE

FUTURE.

TOMORROW, YOU ARE CLUTCHING

A CADAVER OF YOUR LOVER.

(LAUGHTER)

AM I RIGHT, LADIES?

(LAUGHTER)

(APPLAUSE)

THAT IS MY TIME.

THAT IS ALL OUR TIME.

FOR LIFE IS FLEETING AND

CRUEL.

THE ARISTOCRATS.

>> Stephen: HINES BEINHOLTZ,

EVERYBODY.

HE WILL BE IN THE CITY

ANIMAL SHELTER EUTHANIZING

ROOM FOLLOW.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.