AUMF Repeal

  • Aired:  05/23/13
  •  | Views: 31,584

President Obama wants to repeal 60 words of eternal war-justifying deliciousness, but Senator Lindsey Graham would rather broaden Obama's war powers. (8:01)

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

>> Stephen: WELCOME TO THE

REPORT.

THANK YOU FOR JOINING US.

>> STEPHEN!

STEPHEN!

STEPHEN!

STEPHEN!

STEPHEN.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).

>> Stephen: THANK YOU, LADIES

AND GENTLEMEN.

PLEASE, WELCOME TO THE REPORT,

EVERYBODY.

I'M STEPHEN COLBERT.

YOUR LOVE IS LIKE A VACATION.

FOLKS, I'VE GOT A CONFESSION TO

MAKE-- I'M NO FAN OF BARACK

OBAMA.

THERE, I SAID IT.

SOMEBODY HAD TO.

BUT I AM A FAN OF HOW HE'S

HANDLED THE WAR ON TERROR BY

FOLLOWING THE EXACT SAME

POLICIES LAID OUT BY PRESIDENT

BUSH.

BUSH.

( LAUGHTER )

WHO FOLLOWED THE EXACT SAME

POLICIES LAID OUT BY. CHENEY,

PARTICULARLY HIS FLYING DEATHBOT

PROGRAM WHICH HAVE SOME

CRITICIZED BECAUSE IT'S BEEN

USED TO KILL AMERICANS OVERSEAS.

BUT IT'S VERY LIMITED IN ITS

SCOPE IN THAT ONLY AN INFORMED,

HIGH-LEVEL GOVERNMENT OFFICIAL

CAN ORDER YOUR DEATH.

( LAUGHTER )

SECRETARY OF STATE, DEFINITELYE

NO LOWER THAN THE POSTMASTER

GENERAL.

( LAUGHTER )

WHICH I ASSUME MEANS NO MORE

KILLING ON SATURDAYS.

( LAUGHTER )

AND IT'S ALL PERFECTLY LEGAL

THANKS TO A 2001 CONGRESSIONAL

RESOLUTION CALLED "THE

AUTHORIZATION FOR USE OF

MILITARY FORCE" OR A.U.M.F.

SO-CALLED, BECAUSE IT IS WHAT

GIVES OBAMA'S UNCHECKED KILLING

AUTHORITY THAT SPECIAL OOMPH.

NOW, HERE--

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

RIGHT HERE.

IS-- THIS IS HE ACTUAL

RESOLUTION, A SVELTE 60 WORDS OF

ETERNAL WAR-JUSTIFYING

DELICIOUSNESS.

HERE WE GO.

"BE IT RESOLVED THAT THE

PRESIDENT IS UTHORIZED TO USE

ALL NECESSARY AND APPROPRIATE

FORCE AGAINST THOSE NATIONS,

ORGANIZATIONS, OR PERSONS HE

DETERMINES PLANNED, AUTHORIZED,

COMMITTED OR AIDED THE TERRORIST

ATTACKS THAT OCCURRED SEPTEMBER

11, 2001 OR HARBORED SUCH

ORGANIZATIONS OR PERSONS IN

ORDER TO PREVENT ANY FUTURE ACTS

OF INTERNATIONAL TERRORISM

AGAINST THE UNITED STATES BY

SUCH NATIONS, ORGANIZATIONS, OR

PERSONS."

FOLKS, THIS IS THE MOST

BEAUTIFULLY SWEEPING, KNEE-JERK

DECLARATION OF VENGEFUL FURY

SINCE FDR. SAID AFTER PEARL

HARBOR.

THIS IS A DATE THAT WILL LIVE IN

INFAMY.

HEY, TOGO, I DON'T NEED TO STAND

UP TO PUT MY BOOT UP YOUR ASS.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).

AND, FOLKS, THIS UNLIMITED POWER

TO WAGE WAR WHEREVER IS THE

RESULT OF A CAREFUL,

DELIBERATIVE PROCESS BECAUSE

AFTER THE SEPTEMBER 11 ATTACKS,

CONGRESS TOOK AN ENTIRE SEVEN

DAYS TO PASS IT.

THAT'S LONGER THAN IT TOOK GOD

TO MAKE HEAVEN AND EARTH.

( LAUGHTER )

INCIDENTALLY, HEAVEN AND EARTH--

THOSE ARE THE AREAS WHERE THE

PRESIDENT IS AUTHORIZED TO KILL

PEOPLE.

( LAUGHTER )

DON'T TRY HIDING BEHIND THAT

GATE, ST. PETER.

WE HAVE INTELE THAT PUTS YOU IN

THE MIDDLE EAST 2,000 YEARS AGO.

CLEARLY, IT IS A GREAT

RESOLUTION, WHICH IS WHY I WAS

SO DISAPPOINT THE BY A MAJOR

POLICY SPEECH THE PRESIDENT GAVE

TODAY AT THE NATIONAL DEFENSE

UNIVERSITY-- GREAT FOOTBALL

TEAM, BY THE WAY.

THEIR DEFENSIVE LINE IS F-14s.

( LAUGHTER )

AND IN HIS SPEECH, OBAMA

ANNOUNCED HE IS READY TO GIVE UP

ALL THAT POWER.

>> THE A.U.M.F. IS NOW NEARLY 12

YEARS OLD.

THINKING, OUR DEFINITIONS, OUR

ACTIONS, WE MAY CONTINUE TO

GRANT PRESIDENTS UPBOUND POWERS

MORE SUITED TOWARDS TRADITIONAL

ARMED CONFLICTS BETWEEN NATION

STATES.

SO I LOOK FORWARD TO ENGAGING

CONGRESS AND THE AMERICAN PEOPLE

IN EFFORTS TO REFINE AND

ULTIMATELY REPEAL THE A.U.M.F.

MANDATE.

>> Stephen: THE PRESIDENT

WANTS TO REPEAL THE SOURCE OF

HIS POWER.

THAT'S LIKE RYAN GOSLING

REPEALING HIS ABS.

OR MATTHEW McCONAUGHEY REPEAL

HIS ABS.

( LAUGHTER )

OR ME REPEALING MY POWER TO NAME

PEOPLE WITH ABS.

LAUGH AND BELIEVE IT OR NOT,

SOME IN CONGRESSMENT TO HELP HIM

DO IT.

>> I'M CONVINCED THAT IF WE DO

NOT REPEAL THIS AUTHORIZATION TO

USE FORCE THAT I VOTED AGAINST

IN 2001, WE'RE GOING TO SEE THE

STATE OF PERPETUAL WAR FOREVER.

>> HOW DO YOU POSSIBLY SQUARE

THIS WITH THE REQUIREMENT THAT--

OF THE CONSTITUTION THAT THE

CONGRESS HAS THE POWER TO

DECLARE WAR?

>> Stephen: OH, GREAT!

LET'S PUT CONGRESS IN CHARGE OF

THE WAR ON TERROR.

HEY, WE HAVE AL QAEDA NUMBER ONE

IN OURSITIS?

DO WE HIT HIM WITH A DRONE?

THREE MONTHS OF SUBCOMMITTEE

HEARINGS LATER HE'S STILL ON THE

LOOSE BUT ACKNOWLEDGE HAS

NAMESLET AYMAN AL ZAWAHIRI POST

OFFICE.

>> IF ANYTHING I SAY THE

A.U.M.F. IS TOO RESTRICTIVE

BECAUSE THE RESOLUTION SAYS

YOU'VE GOT TO LINK THE

TERRORISTS YOU'RE KILLING TO

9/11.

SO FAR THAT HAS NOT BEEN A

PROBLEM THANKS TIE HIGH-LEVEL

C.I.A. TECHNIQUE KNOWN AS SIX

DEGREES OF GUYS WHO DON'T EAT

BACON.

( LAUGHTER )

FOR INSTANCE, HERE IS HOW WE

JUSTIFIED-- YOU KNOW THEY DON'T

EAT BACON, RIGHT?

YOU KNOW THAT?

I'M NOT GIVING AWAY STATE

SECRETS THERE.

HERE'S HOW WE JUSTIFIED DRONE

STRIKES IN YEMEN.

YEMEN.

LEMON.

LEMON LIME.

7 AND 7.

711

9/11.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

PERFECTLY LEGAL.

BUT, FOLKS, THERE MAY COME A DAY

WHEN WE CAN'T LINK SOMEONE TO

9/11.

OKAY, ANOTHER DAY.

WE'RE GOING TO GET YOU.

LAYOFF LAUGH THAT'S WHY I'M WITH

SOUTH CAROLINA SENATOR AND AUNT

WHO GIVES YOU THE SAME POLO

SHIRT EVERY YEAR, LINDSEY

GRAHAM.

>> WE NEED TO LOOK AT THE

A.U.M.F. ANEW.

WE NEED TO BROADEN THE ABILITY

TO GO AFTER THE ENEMY BECAUSE

IT'S CHANGING DAY BY DAY, BUT WE

NEED TO DO SO WITHIN THE VALUES

OF BEING AN AMERICAN.

>> Stephen: YES, INSTEAD OF

REPEALING THE A.U.M.F., WE MUST

BROAD BROADEN THE PRESIDENT'S

WAR POWERS IN A WAY THAT IS

CONSISTENT WITH THE VALUES

ENSCHIEPPED IN OUR CONSTITUTION.

AS MADISON WROTE IN ARTICLE 3

YIPPEE KI-YAY, ( BLEEP ).

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

FOLKS, I MEAN, WHY STOP AT

REMOVING SEPTEMBER 11?

I MEAN, I THINK-- I'LL AUTHORIZE

ANYTHING THAT MOVES!

ALL RIGHT, TAKE OUT SEPTEMBER

11.

THAT THING CAN GO.

BUT THERE ARE SO MANY OTHER

THINGS THAT CAN COME OUT.

FOR INSTANCE, NECESSARY.

APPROPRIATE.

WE'RE NOT TALKING ABOUT WEARING

WHITE PANTS AFTER LABOR DAY.

( LAUGHTER )

OKAY, THAT CAN GO.

AND WE DON'T NEED THAT.

AND I THINK THAT'S DONE.

THAT'S REDUNDANT.

THAT'S OLD.

THIS IS GONE.

THAT'S OUT.

THAT'S OUT.

THAT'S OUT.

THAT'S OUT.

THAT'S OUT.

OKAY.

THIS IS ALL YOU NEED.

THE PRESIDENT IS AUTHORIZED TO

USE ALL FORCE.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

YOU KNOW, A LITTLE LESS-- A

LITTLE LESS YAKKETY-YAK.

A MORE ATTACKETY-TACK.

THIS IS SHORT ENOUGH TO TWEET.

Loading...