Tip/Wag - HAPIfork & Kevin Garnett

  • Aired:  01/10/13
  •  | Views: 11,449

A consumer technology keeps people from consuming, and Kevin Garnett dishes out some Hefty brand trash talk. (4:37)

>> Stephen: WELCOME BACK, EVERYBODY.

NATION, I BELIEVE SEVEN ENTITLED TO MY OWN OPINION.

THIS IS TIP OF THE HAT, WAG OF THE FINGER.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

THE TIP AND HAT PEOPLE ARE IN THE HOUSE.

YOU KNOW ME BOOM.

YOU KNOW ME, I'M A GADGET GUY.

SOIFS DISAPPOINTED TO LEARN ABOUT A NEW INVENTION THAT SET OUR CULTURE BACK.

>> THIS IS THE HAPIFORK.

BELIEVE IT OR NOT THIS FORK MEASURE HOW'S QUICKLY YOU ARE EATING.

FIT FINDS THAWR EATING TOO QUICKLY IT'S GOING VIBRATE IN EUROPE HAND AND FORCE YOU TO

SLOW DOWN.

>> Stephen: FIRST OF ALL AMERICANS HAVE SOMETHING THAT MAKE YOURS HAND TREMBLE SO WE

STOP EATING.

IT'S CALLED A STROKE.

THAT'S WHY I'M GIVING A WAG OF MY FINGER TO HAPIFORK.

THIS CAN COMES FROM HONG KONG WHERE THEY HAVE A CENTURY'S OLD TRADITION OF TABLEWEAR THAT

PREVENTS YOU FROM EATING.

[ LAUGHTER ]

WHICH ONE IS THE SPOON?

[ LAUGHTER ]

I SAY IF WE'RE IMPROVING OUR UTENSILS, IT'S TIME TO MOVE BEYOND THE HAPIFORK TO MY

PATENTED NEW "SELF-LOATHING FOOD SLUICE."

[ LAUGHTER ]

IT'S A COMBINATION FUNNEL AND HIGH CAPACITY GRINDER THAT DELIVERS A CONSTANT STREAM OF

NUTRIENT INTO YOUR GORGE.

[ LAUGHTER ]

STEPHEN COLBERT'S SELF-LOATHING FOOD SLUICE IS AVAILABLE IN SMALL, MEDIUM, AND "I HATE

MYSELF."

[ LAUGHTER ]

NEXT UP ON TIP HAT WAG FING, I LOVES ME MY B-BALL.

IT'S FAST PACED, TOUGH, AND AGGRESSIVE.

AND THAT'S JUST WHEN PLAYERS ARE PUNCHING THE FANS.

[ LAUGHTER ]

BUT NOW THERE'S AN EVEN BETTER REASON TO ENJOY THE GAME.

>> WHAT WAS UP WITH KEVIN GARNETT AND CARMELO ANTHONY LAST NIGHT?

ALL NIGHT LONG, CHIPPING, PUSHING AND SHOVING IN THE CELTICS' WIN OVER THE KNICKS.

MELO EVEN WAITED OUTSIDE FOR THE CELTICS BY THEIR TEAM BUS TO HAVE FURTHER WORDS WITH KEVIN

GARNETT AFTER THE GAME.

IT'S BLOWING UP ALL OVER THE PLACE.

WHY WAS HE SO UPSET?

REPORTEDLY GARNETT TOLD CARMELO ANTHONY HIS WIFE TASTED LIKE HONEY NUT CHEERIOS.

[AUDIENCE REACTS]

>> Stephen: OH SNAP, KRACKLE, AND POP!

[ LAUGHTER ]

CARMELO, YOU JUST GOT APPLE-JACKED!

KEVIN'S SAYING HE HAD YOUR WIFE REALITY STAR LA LA VAZQUEZ, AS A PART OF THIS COMPLETE BREAKFAST!

[ LAUGHTER ]

THIS BRINGS ME TO A TIP OF MY HAT TO KEVIN GARNETT, FOR FORGING A BOLD NEW PATH IN

PRODUCT PLACEMENT.

[ LAUGHTER ]

THIS ISN'T JUST TRASH TALK, IT'S HEFTY BRAND TRASH TALK.

[ LAUGHTER ]

FORGET GYM SHOES AND SPRITE, FROM NOW ON, ALL NBA GAMES SHOULD BE FILLED WITH ATHLETES

INCORPORATING NATIONAL BRANDS INTO THEIR TAUNTING.

"YO MAMA'S SO FAT SHE SHOULD SWITCH TO CHOBANI NON-FAT GREEK YOGURT, NOW WITH ACTIVE

PROBIOTICS."

[ LAUGHTER ]

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

OR "I'M GONNA CUT THROUGH YOUR D LIKE THE FELLOWES POWERSHRED 84Ci.

[ LAUGHTER ]

THEY'LL BE SCRAPING YOUR RAGGEDY 1-1/2 INCH CROSS-CUT PARTICLES OUT OF THE SIX-GALLON PULLOUT BIN.

AND YOU WON'T BE SCORING ON THE RETURN EITHER, BECAUSE LIKE THE 84Ci, I'M 100% JAM PROOF--

BEE-OTCH!"

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

BUT KEVIN, AS MUCH AS I ADMIRE YOUR BUSINESS ACUMEN, IT'S HIS WIFE.

LAY OFF THE DEROGATORY COMMENTS THAT COULD BE MISINTERPRETED AS SEXUAL.

JUST SAY SOMETHING COMPLIMENTARY LIKE "SHE'S GRRRRRRRR-EAAT!"

[ LAUGHTER ]

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUS

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