Tip/Wag - Kansas' Male Birth Control Pill & New York's Babyccino

  • Aired:  02/29/12
  •  | Views: 56,623

The spermicidal maniacs at the University of Kansas develop a male birth control pill, and Brooklyn coffee shops hook babies on the foam dragon. (5:12)

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

WELCOME BACK, EVERYBODY.

THANK YOU, SIR.

NATION, ANYBODY WHO WATCH THIS

IS SHOW KNOWS I NEVER RUSH TO

JUDGMENT.

I WAKE UP EARLY, SHOWER AND

SHAVE, EAT A FULL BREAKFAST,

THEN ACCUSE YOU OF BEING A HORSE

MOLESTERRER.

(LAUGHTER)

YES, I SAID "MOLESTERRER."

(LAUGHTER)

THIS IS TIP OF THE HAT, WAG OF

THE FINGER.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

FOLKS, PRESIDENT OBAMA'S RECENT

TUSSLE WITH CATHOLIC BISHOPS HAS

MADE BIRTH CONTROL A CONTROVERSY

FOR THE FIRST TIME IN YEARS!

IT IS SUCH A FUN THROWBACK!

I HOPE THE NEXT THING WE'RE

ARGUING OVER IS THE GYRATIONS OF

ELVIS' PELVIS!

WE'VE GOT TO KEEP OUR DAUGHTERS

AWAY FROM THAT NEGRO MUSIC!

WELL, THERE'S BEEN A NEW MONEY

SHOT ACROSS THE BOW IN THE

BATTLE OVER CONTRACEPTION.

50 YEARS AFTER THE ADVENT OF THE

BIRTH CONTROL PILL FOR WOMEN, A

REPRODUCTIVE BIOLOGIST IN KANSAS

SAYS HE MAY HAVE COME UP WITH A

COMPOUND THAT WOULD ESSENTIALLY

BE THE FIRST BIRTH CONTROL PILL

FOR MEN.

>> Stephen: FOLKS, THIS IS

DANGEROUS.

(LAUGHTER)

IF BIRTH CONTROL BECOMES WIDELY

AVAILABLE TO MEN THEY MIGHT WANT

TO HAVE A LOT OF SEX.

(LAUGHTER)

THAT'S WHY I'M GIVING A WAG OF

MY FINGER TO THE SPERMICIDAL

MANIACS TO THE UNIVERSITY OF

KANSAS WHO DEVELOPED THIS PILL.

ANY OF US WHO HAVE ATTENDED MASS

AT THE CHURCH OF THE IMMACULATE

SANTORUM KNOW...

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

KNOW THAT CONTRACEPTION IS AN

AFFRONT TO ALL THAT'S HOLY.

AND BIRTH CONTROL HAS SOME

UNINTENDED SIDE EFFECTS.

>> WHEN YOU WERE CAMPAIGNING IN

IOWA YOU TOLD AN EVANGELICAL

BLOG IF ELECTED YOU WOULD TALK

ABOUT WHAT "NO PRESIDENT HAS

TALKED ABOUT BEFORE.

-- THE DANGERS OF

CONTRACEPTION."

WHY?

>> WHAT I WAS TALKING ABOUT IS

THE INCREASING NUMBER OF

CHILDREN BEING BORN OUT OF

WEDLOCK IN AMERICA.

>> Stephen: YES.

CONTRACEPTION LEADS TO MORE

BABIES BORN OUT OF WEDLOCK.

(LAUGHTER)

THE EXACT SAME WAY FIRE

EXTINGUISHERS CAUSE FIRES.

NOW WE'RE GOING TO... THANK YOU.

THANK YOU.

AND IF WE'RE GOING TO GIVE MEN

ACCESS TO THIS BIRTH CONTROL

PILL, WE NEED TO DO IT

RESPONSIBLY.

EVERY SPERM THAT HAS POTENTIAL

TO BE A HUMAN BEING WAITING TO

BE BORN.

SO BEFORE WE GIVE MEN THE POWER

TO JUST WIPE THEM OUT, WE MUST

BE SURE THAT THEY SEE THE FACE

OF THAT SPERM.

(LAUGHTER)

THAT IS WHY I'M CALLING FOR A

LAW REQUIRING ALL MEN WHO WANT

THIS PILL SO FIRST SUBMIT TO A

TRANSURETHRAL ULTRASOUND.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

TOTALLY NONINVASIVE PROCEDURE

WITH THE EXCEPTION OF THE

ULTRASOUND WAND JAMMED UP THE

WING-WANG.

(LAUGHTER)

YOU JUST GET IT UP THERE AND

LOOK AROUND UP PERISCOPE!

PING!

YOU WILL... YOU MEN WILL THINK

TWICE ABOUT TAKING THAT PILL

ASSUMING YOU SURVIVE.

NOW FOLKS...

(LAUGHTER).

EVERYONE KNOWS...

(APPLAUSE).

NEXT NEXT UP, FOLKS, EVERYONE

KNOWS ADVERTISERS LOVE THE YOUTH

DEMOGRAPHIC THAT'S WHY MY SHOW

IS GEARED TOWARD INFANTS.

OH, WHICH REMINDS ME, BREAKING

NEWS, PEEKABOO!

(APPLAUSE)

THAT ALWAYS GETS ME.

I MEAN, WHERE DID I GO?

ONE OF LIFE'S GREAT MYSTERIES.

NOT SUPPOSED TO KNOW, I GUESS.

THAT'S WHY I WAS SO EXCITED BY A

BRAND NEW BABY TREND.

FOR MORE WE GO TO AMERICA'S MOST

TRUSTED NEWS SOURCE, TWO WOMEN

SWILLING CHARDONNAY AT 10:00

A.M.

>> SO IN BROOKLYN AND APPARENTLY

THIS TREND STARTED IN AUSTRALIA

THEY HAVE SOMETHING CALLED BABY

CHINNO.

THEY ARE CAPPUCCINOS FOR BABIES.

ONE OF THE BARISTAS IN BROOKLYN

IS SERVING A HANDFUL OF THEM

EVERYDAY.

>> YES, BABY CCINOS AND THEIR

EVEN YOUNGER BEVERAGE FETAL

LATTES.

SO A TIP OF MY HAT FOR HOOKING

BABIES ON THE FOAM DRAGON.

ANYONE WITH A BABY KNOWS IT'S

ALWAYS IMPOSSIBLE TO GET THEM UP

IN THE MORNING.

SOME SLEEP UNTIL NEARLY 4:00

A.M.

ACCORDING TO ONE PARENT WHO

BRINGS HER KIDS IN FOR

BABYCCINOS, THEY JUST LOVE THE

TASTE OF COFFEE, I DRINK COFFEE

EVERYDAY OF THE YEAR SO THEY

LIKE IT, TOO.

YES, PARENTS, EVERYTHING YOU DO

EVERYDAY YOUR KIDS SHOULD DO THE

SAME.

FOR INSTANCE, A LOT OF PARENTS

CAN'T HAVE A COFFEE WITHOUT A

CIGARETTE SO IT'S TIME WE

STARTED SELLING KIDS VIRJUNIOR

SLIMS.

YOU'VE COME A LONG WAY, ACTUAL

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