Legalized Gay Marriage & Dolphin Love

  • Aired:  06/27/11
  •  | Views: 50,187

New York State legalizes gay marriage despite Bill O'Reilly warnings about interspecies romance. (3:53)

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> Stephen: THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

(CROWD CHANTING "STEPHEN")

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> Stephen: THANK YOU!

THANK YOU SO MUCH.

I HAD NO IDEA THAT YOU GUYS

COULD READ CUE CARDS.

(LAUGHTER)

WELCOME TO THE "REPORT," GOOD TO

HAVE YOU WITH US, AND THANK YOU

ALL FOR WATCHING OUR LAST SHOW

BEFORE THE EARTH SWALLOWS NEW

YORK AND DRAGS IT TO HELL.

(LAUGHTER)

BECAUSE ON FRIDAY THE STATE

LEGISLATURE LEGALIZED GAY

MARRIAGE.

NOW, I AM NOT SURPRISED GOVERNOR

CUOMO SIGNED THE BILL.

IT'S ALL PART OF THE CUOMO

SEXUAL AGENDA.

(LAUGHTER)

BUT A NEW LAW GOES INTO EFFECT

JULY 24 AND MAYOR BLOOMBERG HAS

ALREADY STARTED A NEW ECONOMIC

CAMPAIGN CALLED "N.Y.C. I DO" TO

MAKE THE CITY MORE GAY MARRIAGE

FRIENDLY STARTING WITH SOME

SLIGHT CHANGES TO THE STATUE OF

LIBERTY.

(LAUGHTER)

FOLKS, I AM NOT HAPPY FOR GAYS

THAT THIS LAW PASSED.

I'M VERY SAD.

OR HETEROSEXUAL.

(LAUGHTER)

BECAUSE THIS LAW IS ALREADY

DESTROYING TRADITIONAL MARRIAGE.

ANYTHING GOES NOW.

BIGAMY, POLYGAMY, TRIG NO, MA'AM

TRI.

(LAUGHTER)

THE ANCIENT GREEKS INVENTED IT,

IT'S GOT TO BE GAY.

(LAUGHTER)

FOLKS... AND I'LL TELL YOU, IT

CAN'T COME AS A SURPRISE, BILL

O'REILLY TRIED TO WARN US.

>> ONE OF THE ARGUMENTS AGAINST

GAY MARRIAGE IS THAT IF IT

BECOMES LAW ALL OTHER

ALTERNATIVE MARITAL VISIONS WILL

BE ALLOWED.

YOU COULD HAVE MARRIED A DUCK.

YOU WANT TO MARRY A TURTLE YOU

CAN.

A BRITISH WOMAN MARRIED A

DOLPHIN.

AND THERE IS ONE MORE THING, THE

DOLPHIN IS A FEMALE.

(LAUGHTER)

(APPLAUSE)

>> Stephen: FOLKS, LET ME BE

CLEAR ABOUT SOMETHING, O'REILLY

IS RIGHT.

GAYS, LESBIANS, DUCKS, TURTLES,

ALL THE SAME.

(LAUGHTER)

BECAUSE THERE'S NO ONE IN MY

FAMILY LIKE THAT, BUT SAME-SEX

RELATIONS WITH DOLPHINS IS

DIFFERENT.

(LAUGHTER)

LET ME TELL YOU A STORY I NEVER

THOUGHT I'D TELL ANYONE.

I... I HAD AN UNCLE, ROGER.

HE WAS A GREAT GUY AND MY MOM

WAS ALWAYS SAYING "WHY CAN'T HE

FIND A NICE GIRL?"

WELL, ONE THANKSGIVING HE SHOWS

UP TO DINNER A DAMP SUIT.

W HIS ROOMMATE CLICKY.

(LAUGHTER)

YOU KNOW, IT WAS OBVIOUS TO

EVERYBODY, BUT I DIDN'T KNOW, I

WAS YOUNG.

(LAUGHTER)

SO EVEN AS A KID I FOUND IT ODD

THAT THEY SLEPT IN THE SAME SALT

WATER TANK, AND IT JUST...

(LAUGHTER)

IT JUST BREAKS MY HEART THAT

THEY COULD NEVER BE OPEN ABOUT

IT.

MY UNCLE EVENTUALLY HAD BLOW

HOLE REASSIGNMENT SURGERY.

(AUDIENCE REACTS)

AND GOT CAUGHT IN A TUNA NET.

(LAUGHTER)

SO O'REILLY, BACK OFF ON THE

DOLPHINS.

BUT GAY MARRIAGE, YEAH, THAT'S