Alpha Dog of the Week - David H. Brooks

  • Aired:  08/02/10
  •  | Views: 43,642

Military contractor David H. Brooks demands a memory-erasing pill that will hide the fact he expensed hookers, porn and plastic surgery. (3:52)

>> Stephen: THANK YOU VERY

MUCH.

PLEASE.

NATION, YOU KNOW THAT ANY OLD

DOG CAN BE HOUSE-BROKEN, BUT AN

ALPHA DOG WILL BREAK YOUR HOUSE

RIGHT BACK.

THIS IS MY ALPHA DOG OF THE

WEEK.

[BARKING]

THIS WEEK'S ALPHA DOG IS

AMERICAN HERO DAVID H. BROOKS.

[BARKING]

FORMER C.E.O. OF D.H.B.

INDUSTRIES, A DEFENSE CONTRACTOR

THAT MAKES BODY ARMOUR FOR THE

U.S. MILITARY, WHO DESCRIBES

HIMSELF ON HIS OWN WEB SITE AS

"DAVID H. BROOKS, THE MAN, THE

MYTH, THE LEGENDARY

HUMANITARIAN."

NOW, IN THESE TOUGH ECONOMIC

TIMES, YOU MIGHT THINK A MAN WHO

PROFITS OFF WAR WOULD KEEP THE

EXTRAVAGANT SPENDING TO A

MINIMUM, BUT NOT THE BIG DOG,

DAVE BROOKS, WHO IS CURRENTLY ON

TRIAL FOR A $185 MILLION STOCK

FRAUD AND FOR USING MORE THAN $6

MILLION OF OUR TAX MONEY FOR

PERSONAL EXPENSES INCLUDING A

$100,000 AMERICAN FLAG BELT

BUCKLE ENCRUSTED WITH RUBIES,

SAPPHIRES AND DIAMONDS.

WHICH MAKES IT A PATRIOTIC DUTY

TO SALUTE HIS CROTCH.

I ASSUME HE BOUGHT THAT BELT

BUCKLE WITH MONEY HE DIDN'T

SPEND ON IMPROVING HIS

BULLET-PROOF VEST, WHICH WERE

RECALLED IN 2005 ON THE

TECHNICALITY THAT THEY DIDN'T

STOP BULLETS.

OTHER MONEY HE DIDN'T SPEND

IMPROVING THE VEST WENT TOWARDS

A FACELIFT FOR HIS WIFE AND

PORNOGRAPHIC VIDEOS FOR HIS SON.

ALTHOUGH I SERIOUSLY DOUBT HIS

SON WILL SEE ANYTHING MORE

PORNOGRAPHIC THAN HIS FATHER

[BLEEPED] OUR TROOPS TO BUY A

FACELIFT FOR HIS MOTHER.

HI HONEY.

HI HONEY.

[APPLAUSE]

SO THAT'S NOT ALL FOR THIS COCKY

SPANIEL BECAUSE BROOKS ALSO USED

OUR MONEY TO HIRE PROSTITUTES

FOR HIS STAFF, WHICH HE USED TO

MOTIVATE EMPLOYEES AND MAKE THEM

MORE PRODUCTIVE, BECAUSE NOTHING

MAKES AN OFFICE SEEM MORE

PRODUCTIVE THAN EVERYONE

SHOUTING HARDER, FASTER.

AND IF THAT'S NOT ENOUGH, IF

THAT'S NOT ENOUGH TO GIVE BROOKS

THE MOST SNIP-WORTHY SACK IN THE

PACK, HE FAMOUSLY THROUGH A $10

MILLION BAT MITZVAH FOR HIS

DAUGHTER THAT FEATURED

PERFORMANCES BY 50 CORRECT, TOM

PETTY, THE EAGLES, STEVIE NICKS,

AEROSMITH AND KENNY G, YOU KNOW,

ALL THE MUSICIANS A 13-YEAR-OLD

GIRL LOVES.

AND IT'S PERFECT FOR A BAT

MITZVAH, BECAUSE NOTHING TURNS A

GIRL INTO A WOMAN FASTER THAN

LEAVING HER ALONE WITH STEVEN

TYLER.

BUT, BUT... THAT'S A

GOOD-LOOKING LADY.

NOW, BELIEVE IT OR NOT, NONE OF

THIS IS WHY BROOKS IS MY SUPER

THAT NEWSER.

WHAT CLINCHED IT WAS WHEN HE

REALIZED HIS FORMER C.F.O. DON

SLAGLE MIGHT TESTIFY AGAINST

HIM.

HE DIDN'T TAKE THE EASY ROAD OR

BRIBE HER OR HAVE HER MURDERED.

THAT'S FOR PUSSIES.

BROOKS WENT TO HIS RACEHORSE

VETERINARIAN AND DEMANDED A

MEMORY ERASING PILL.

NOW LET'S THINK ABOUT THIS.

BROOKS ASSUMES HIS VETERINARIAN

IS GIVING HIS HORSES

MEMORY-ERASING PILLS.

THAT MEANS HE MUST HAVE BEEN

DOING SOMETHING TO HIS HORSES

THAT IS SO UNSPEAKABLE THAT THE

ONLY REASON THEY HAVEN'T GONE TO

THE AUTHORITIES IS THAT THEIR

MEMORIES HAVE BEEN CHEMICALLY

ERASED.

THE POINT IS ANY OLD PUP CAN

HAVE A WITNESS BOUGHT OFF OR

BUMPED OFF, BUT FOR TAKING A

GREAT DANE SIZED WHIZ ON THE

TAXPAYERERS' LEGS AND DEMANDING

AN IMAGINARY PILL THAT WOULD

HIDE THE FACT YOU HAD HOOKERS

AND

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