Census Bureau Harassment

  • Aired:  05/21/13
  •  | Views: 17,284

Every few years, the Census Bureau shows up on people's front porches like a drunk ex-boyfriend, so Congressman Jeff Duncan attempts to stop it. (4:27)

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]

>> Stephen: HEY, WELCOME BACK,

EVERYBODY.

THANKS SO MUCH.

FOLKS, IF YOU WATCH THIS SHOW,

THEN YOU KNOW THAT I HAVE NEVER

BEEN A BIG FAN OF INFORMATION.

SCIENTISTS SAY WE USE ONLY 10%

OF OUR BRAIN, BUT I SAY STOP

THROWING ALL THOSE NUMBERS AT

ME.

WORST OF ALL, THE NOSY PARKERS

OVER AT THE CENSUS BUREAU ARE

ALWAYS COLLECTING DETAILED

INFORMATION ABOUT PEOPLE AND

BUSINESSES.

SO I WAS EXCITED TO LEARN THAT

FINALLY SOMEONE IS TRYING TO

STOP IT.

>> REPUBLICAN CONGRESSMAN JEFF

DUNCAN OF SOUTH CAROLINA

PROPOSED A BILL TO FORBID THE

U.S. CENSUS BUREAU FROM

CONDUCTING ANY SURVEY EXCEPT FOR

A POPULATION COUNT.

>> HEAR THAT, CENSUS BUREAU?

POPULATION COUNT ONLY.

YOU HAVE NO RIGHT TO MY PERSONAL

INFORMATION.

THAT BELONGS TO FACEBOOK!

[LAUGHTER]

JEFF DUNCAN KNOWS THIS IS REALLY

A PRIVATE PRIVACY ISSUE,

EXPLAINING RIGHT NOW THE CENSUS

BUREAU CAN ASK CITIZENS VERY

INVASIVE QUESTIONS.

IF THEY DON'T RESPOND, THE

GOVERNMENT SHOWS UP AT THEIR

DOOR AND THREATENS THEM WITH A

FINE.

AMERICANS ARE FED UP WITH THESE

MANDATORY CENSUS BUREAUS AND

THEY'RE ASKING US TO STOP THE

HARASSMENT.

YES!

STOP THE CENSUS BUREAU

HARASSMENT.

EVERY FEW YEARS THEY SHOW UP ON

OUR FRONT PORCH ASKING FOR

PERSONAL INFORMATION.

IT'S LIKE A DRUNK EX-BOYFRIEND.

SUZANNE, WHO'S THE NEW GUY

YOU'RE DATING?

WHAT'S THE HIGHEST LEVEL OF

EDUCATION HE'S COMPLETED OR IS

HE PACIFIC ISLANDER OR OTHER?

FOLKS, THE GOVERNMENT, THE

GOVERNMENT, LISTEN TO THIS, THE

GOVERNMENT SAYS CENSUS

INFORMATION IS NECESSARY FOR

DISTRIBUTING GOVERNMENT

SERVICES, BUT THE REAL PLANS FOR

THIS INFORMATION ARE ANYBODY'S

GUESS.

OR EVERYBODY'S GUESS.

BECAUSE ACCORDING TO REPORTS

PUBLISHED IN THE HIGHLY

PRESTIGIOUS "THE INTERNET,"

CENSUS DATA COULD VERY WELL BE

USED TO MAKE A DATABASE OF GUN

OWNERS FOR CONFISCATION OR THE

DIRECT U.N. TROOPS WHERE TO KICK

IN YOUR DOOR OR FOR SOMETHING

EVEN MORE SINISTER, LIKE

TRACKING THE CORN HARVEST.

TERRIFYING.

IT'S LIKE THAT HORROR MOVIE

"AGGREGATE YIELD OF THE CHILDREN

OF THE CORN."

BESIDES...

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]

BESIDES, WE DON'T NEED TO COUNT

CORN.

I'M PRETTY SURE AT THIS POINT

MONSANTO HAS GENETICALLY

ENGINEERED CORN SO MUCH IT CAN

COUNT ITSELF.

BUT SOME PEOPLE OUT THERE ARE

NOT SO THRILLED ABOUT DEFEATING

THE INFO-NAZIS.

>> IMAGINE IF SUDDENLY THESE

NUMBERS DISAPPEARED.

>> NO UNEMPLOYMENT RATE, NO GDP

NUMBERS, NO ECONOMIC DATA AT

ALL.

>> THIS WOULD MAKE IT ALMOST

IMPOSSIBLE TO QUANTIFY IMPORTANT

ECONOMIC INDICATORS.

>> THIS IS HOW WE GET ALL

ECONOMIC DATA THAT ALL MARKET

INDICATORS RELY ON.

>> MARKET INDICATORS?

COME ON.

WALL STREET DOESN'T RUN ON

CENSUS DATA.

IT RUNS ON SOMETHING MUCH MORE

POWERFUL -- COCAINE.

BESIDES, CONGRESSMAN DUNCAN IS

IN FAVOR OF SOME INFORMATION,

SAYING, "AS A FORMER SMALL

BUSINESS OWNER, I RECOGNIZE THAT

SOME ECONOMIC DATA GATHERING IS

BENEFICIAL, HOWEVER, IT SHOULD

BE VOLUNTARY, INDUSTRY-DRIVEN

AND NOT MANDATED BY THE

GOVERNMENT UNDER PENALTY OF

LAW."

YES, THE FREE MARKET CAN HANDLE

IT.

AND WE ALREADY HAVE WAY OF

DETERMINING THE UNEMPLOYMENT

RATE, THE NIELSEN RATINGS FOR

"MAURY."

THE U.S. GOVERNMENT SHOULD BE

COMPLETELY IGNORANT OF

EVERYTHING GOING ON WITHIN ITS

BORDERS.

AFTER ALL, WHAT'S AN I.R.S. TAX

FORM BUT A WAGE CENSUS.

UNDER HOUSEHOLD INCOME, I SHOULD

GET TO CHECK A BOX THAT READS,

"LET'S JUST SAY WE'RE

COMFORTABLE."

I MEAN, WHAT'S NEXT?

SERIOUSLY.

IF WE CROSS THIS LINE, IF WE

CROSS THIS RUBICON, WHAT IS

NEXT?

TRACKING ALL VOTERS USING SOME

KIND OF STICKER?

OH, MY GOD!

THE POINT IS, THIS BILL MAY BE A

TACIT REJECTION OF THE AGE OF

ENLIGHTENMENT, BUT WHAT'S SO

WRONG WITH THE AGE OF

ENDARKENMENT.

MAY I REMIND YOU, IF THERE WAS

NO RENAISSANCE, THERE WOULD BE

NO RENAISSANCE FAIRS.

NEW YORK I DON'T WANT A TURKEY

LEG.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

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