The Blitzkrieg on Grinchitude - Fired Santa Claus & Colbert Super PAC Christmas

  • Aired:  11/08/11
  •  | Views: 22,542

New York bureaucrats stick their budget-cutting knives right into Santa's bowlful of jelly, but the Colbert Super PAC makes things right. (3:27)

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> Stephen: WELCOME BACK.

MERRY CHRISTMAS, EVERYBODY!

PLERRY CHRISTMAS.

OHIO HO!

YES, FOLKS, THE BIG DAY IS RIGHT

AROUND THE CORNER.

IT'S NOT ENOUGH TO JUST

CELEBRATE THE HOLIDAY.

THIS IS THE BLITZKRIEG ON

GRINCHITUDE.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

♪ HALLELUJAH... ♪

FOLKS, IN THIS BLEAK ECONOMY

CHRISTMAS MEANS MORE THAN EVER

OUR BEST HOPE TO FIX THE DEFICIT

IS FOR TIM GEITHNER TO ASK SANTA

FOR $14 TRILLION WORTH OF

SCARVES WITH GIFT RECEIPTS.

(LAUGHTER)

BUT INSTEAD OF HELPING SANTA,

BUREAUCRATS OUT THERE ARE

STICKING THEIR BUDGET-CUTTING

FIVES INTO HIS BOWLFUL OF JELLY.

JIM?

>> FACED WITH DRASTIC BUDGET

SHORTFALLS SUFFOLK COUNTY NEW

YORK HAS LAID OFF SANTA.

DAVID McKEL HAS BEEN PLAYING THE

PART OF SANTA AT THE ST. JAMES

GENERAL STORE SINCE 2001.

THE STORE'S IS PARTIALLY FUNDED

BY SUFFOLK COUNTY AND DUE TO

BELT TIGHTENING THIS YEAR,

SANTA'S $6060 CONTRACT WAS

CANCELED.

(AUDIENCE REACTS)

>> Stephen: THEY FIRED SANTA!

HOW IS HE GOING TO BREAK THIS TO

MRS. CLAUSE?

OH, THEY'RE GOING TO BE EATING A

LOT OF VENISON THIS WINTER.

(LAUGHTER)

HERE'S THE WORST PART, FOLKS...

IF YOU HAVE KIDS WATCHING GET

THEM OUT OF THE ROOM, OKAY?

THIS IS THE SECRET I'M ABOUT TO

GIVE OUT.

THIS GUY AT THE SUFFOLK COUNTY

GENERAL STORE, HE'S THE REAL

SANTA!

HOW DO WE KNOW?

BECAUSE HE FOUGHT IN WORLD WAR

II.

(AUDIENCE REACTS)

DO YOU REALLY THINK WE COULD

HAVE BEATEN HITLER WITHOUT

SANTA?

I MEAN, THAT'S HOW WE TOOK THE

BEACHES ON D-DAY.

(LAUGHTER)

NOW, FRANKLY... FRANKLY,

FOLKS...

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

SANTA WITH MACHINE GUNS!

SANTA WITH MACHINE GUNS SHOOTING

THEM RIGHT DOWN GERI'S TOMB.

FRANKLY, I BELIEVE SANTA IS

BETTER OFF IN THE PRIVATE SECTOR

BECAUSE FOLKS, HE'S A JOB

CREATOR.

THAT'S WHY HE OUTSOURCED

EVERYTHING TO THE NORTH POLE.

HE DOESN'T WANT THE LABOR

DEPARTMENT ASKING QUESTIONS

ABOUT HIS SEASONAL MIGRANT

NON-UNION ELF LABORERS WHO,

LET'S BE HONEST, ARE PROBABLY

GUATEMALAN.

HARD TO TELL, THEY'RE ALL SO

SMALL.

THIS YEAR THERE WILL BE NO

CHRISTMAS.

(AUDIENCE REACTS)

UNLESS I SAVE IT.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

SO SUFFOLK COUNTY, COLBERT

SUPERPAC IS WILLING TO COVER

THAT $660.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

THAT'S RIGHT, KIDS.

I SAVED CHRISTMAS AND ALL SANTA

HAS TO DO IS COME ON MY SHOW AND

SAY THAT CORPORATIONS ARE

PEOPLE.

(LAUGHTER)

AND NOT NAUGHTY PEOPLE, NICE

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