Tip/Wag - Coal Industry Crackdown & Box Spring Bunker

  • Aired:  04/10/12
  •  | Views: 7,227

The EPA regulates power plant carbon emissions, and a revolutionary box spring bunker stores up to 105 weapons. (4:32)

PEACE.

A TRUER CONSONANT HAS NEVER BEEN TYPED.

NATION, YOU KNOW, I DON'T NEED TO TELL YOU WHAT I THINK.

I NEED TO TELL YOU WHAT YOU THINK.

THIS IS "TIP OF THE HAT, WAG OF THE FINGER."

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]

>> FOLKS, I AM SICK AND TIRED OF OBAMA'S JOB-KILLING ENVIRONMENTAL REGULATIONS.

ALTHOUGH I COULD JUST BE SICK AND TIRED FROM ALL THE HEAVY METALS IN MY WATER.

WELL, NOW THE E.P.A.-HOLE HAS HER SIGHTS SET ON AN INDUSTRY NEAR AND DEER TO AMERICA'S

HEARTS IN THAT IT IS IN OUR LUNGS.

JIM, DO IT.

>> THE E.P.A. HAS ISSUED NEW REGULATIONS THAT CAN VIRTUALLY PUT THE COAL INDUSTRY OUT OF BUSINESS.

>> THE ENVIRONMENTAL PROTECTION AGENCY PLANS TO PUT LIMITS ON POWER PLANT CARBON EMISSIONS.

>> Stephen: PUTTING LIMITS ON CARBON EMISSIONS?

WHAT'S NEXT, PUTTING LIMITS ON HOW FAST WE CAN DRIVE?

WHAT?

REALLY?

WELCOME TO OBAMA'S AMERICA.

[LAUGHTER]

NOW, FORTUNATELY THE COAL INDUSTRY IS TAKING A STAND HERE.

SO A TIP OF THE HAT TO CECIL ROBERTS, PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED MINE WORKERS, WHO KNOWS HOW TO

APPEAL TO AMERICAN SENSE OF JUSTICE

>> THE COAL INDUSTRY IS NOT FAR BEHIND WITH RESPECT TO WHAT HAPPENED WITH OSAMA BIN LADEN.

THE NAVY SEALS SHOT OSAMA BIN LADEN IN PAKISTAN AND LISA JACKSON SHOT US IN WASHINGTON.

SO THERE YOU GO.

>>

>> Stephen: WELL DONE, SIR.

OSAMA BIN LADEN WAS DEFINITELY THE SYMPATHETIC FIGURE IN THAT STORY.

AND WHO CAN FORGET HOW UPSET THE AMERICAN PEOPLE WERE WHEN THE AMERICAN GOVERNMENT TOOK BIN

LADEN OUT.

>> U-S-A, U-S-A!

>> Stephen: U-S-A, OF COURSE,

THE FIRST THREE LETTERS OF USAMA.

IF YOU'RE COMPARING THE COAL INDUSTRY TO HOMICIDAL MANIAC, I WOULD HAVE GONE WITH SADDAM HUSSEIN.

THE GUY KNEW A LOT ABOUT FOSSIL FUELS AND HE SPENT SOME TIME IN AN UNDERGROUND SHAFT.

TRUE STORY.

SAD BUT TRUE.

NEXT UP, I LOVE SLEEPING.

IT'S THE SECOND MOST FUN THING YOU CAN DO IN BED.

THE FIRST BEING BREAKFAST.

THIS IS FAMILY SHOW.

SO A TIP OF MY HAT TO THE RESEARCH CORPORATION FOR AN INNOVATION THAT WILL HELP ME

SLEEP BETTER AT NIGHT.

>> TODAY I'M GOING TO SHOW YOU SOME FEATURES OF OUR REVOLUTIONARY BED BUNKER.

IT'S A CONCEALED SAFE THAT REPLACES YOUR BOX SPRINGS.

MANY PEOPLE HAVE ASKED ME, HOW LONG DOES IT TAKE TO ACCESS YOUR BED BUNKER.

IT TAKES LESS THAN TEN SECONDS.

GUNS ARE RIGHT BENEATH YOU SO YOU CAN ACCESS THEM IN A HURRY.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

>> Stephen: THAT'S LIKE A LULL BUY, AND THERE'S NOT LIKE

COUNTING YOUR SHEEP AND THEN BLOWING THEIR HEADS OFF.

FOLKS, THIS BED BUNKER SYSTEM ANSWERS ALL THOSE QUESTIONS THAT KEEP ME AWAKE AT NIGHT, LIKE HOW

CAN I PROTECT MY FAMILY AND WHY IS MY BOX SPRING NOT FILLED WITH GUNS.

BUT THANKS TO THE BED BUNKER, I CAN SET MY SLEEP NUMBER TO 357,

AND IT'S BOUND TO KEEP YOUR GUNS SAFE.

WHAT THIEF WOULD EVER THINK TO LOOK FOR VALUABLES UNDER A MATTRESS?

BUT IS THE BED BUNKER SYSTEM BIG ENOUGH TO HOLD ALL MY WEAPONS?

>> THE SAFE HOLDS UP TO 35 RIFLES AND 70 HANDGUNS.

>> WHAT A RELIEF.

NOT ONLY WILL I SLEEP BETTER KNOWING MY GUNS ARE RIGHT BENEATH ME, I'LL PROBABLY DO

SOME OTHER THINGS BETTER IN BED KNOWING I'VE GOT ALL THAT FIREPOWER DOWN BELOW.

AGAIN, I AM SPEAKING OF BREAKFAST.

PLUS, THIS BUNKER IS GREAT, BUT WHEN I'M IN THE BEDROOM AN HEAR

A SUSPICIOUS NOISE AND HAVE JUST A FEW SECONDS TO GET UP, PUSH THE MATTRESS OVER, FETCH THE

KEEP TAPED BEHIND THE CURTAIN ROD, OPEN IT, SELECT THE PERFECT WEAPON FROM MY 35 RIFLES AND 70

HANDGUNS AND THEN OPEN FIRE ON THE BASTARD.

BUT REMEMBER, YOU HAVE GOT TO WIN THIS FIREFIGHT, BECAUSE IF YOU DON'T, THOSE CRIMINALS WILL

NOW HAVE ACCESS TO 104 WEAPONS.

[APPLAUSE]

BUT, AS GOOD AS THIS SYSTEM IS,

I AM NOT SURE I CAN WAIT TEN WHOLE SECONDS TO GET MY GUNS.

THAT'S WHY TONIGHT I AM PROUD TO INTRODUCE STEPHENS COLBERT'S PHASE BUNKER.

JUST REMEMBER TO TAKE IT OFF BEFORE MAKING BR