Obamacare Victory Lap

  • Aired:  04/01/14
  •  | Views: 30,383

The Obama administration claims victory after more than 7 million people sign up for the Affordable Care Act. (6:00)

>> Stephen: HELLO, EVERYBODY!

THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR JOININGUS!

(AUDIENCE CHANTING STEPHEN)THANK YOU, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN!

WELCOME TO THE REPORT!

THANK YOU FOR JOINING USTONIGHT!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)THANK YOU FOR JOINING US IN

HERE, OUT THERE, ALL AROUND THEWORLD!

I WANT TO WELCOME EVERYONEJOINING US, ALL THE PEOPLE HERE.

I DON'T KNOW ALL YOUR NAMESOTHER THAN LAUREN MASTERSON --

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)I'LL TRY.

FOLKS, TONIGHT WE'RE ALL HAPPYAND I WISH I COULD COME TO YOU

WITH GOOD NEWS, BUT THE WORSTIMAGINABLE THING THAT

HAPPENED -- MILLIONS OFAMERICANS ARE GOING TO GET

HEALTHCARE...

(LAUGHTER)JIM?

>> THE WHITE HOUSE ANNOUNCED7,041,000 PEOPLE SIGNED UP FOR

COVERAGE UNDER THE AFFORDABLECARE ACT.

THEY'VE REACHED THEIRANTICIPATED GOAL OF 7 MILLION.

>> THE OBAMA ADMINISTRATION ISCLAIMING VICTORY IN ITS LONG,

PAINFUL STRUGGLE TO SIGN UPCONSUMERS FOR HEALTH CARE.

>> 7.1 MILLION AMERICANS HAVENOW SIGNED UP FOR PRIVATE

INSURANCE PLANS THROUGH THESEMARKETPLACES.

7.1.

>> Stephen: 7.1 MILLIONAMERICANS HAVE

SIGNED UP FOR OBAMA CARE.

NOW WHEN I GO TO MY DOCTOR'SOFFICE, THERE WILL BE

7.1 MILLION PEOPLE IN THEWAITING ROOM AHEAD OF ME.

(LAUGHTER)AND I'M SORRY, FOLKS --

AND THE HIGHLIGHTS MAZE STOPSBEING CHALLENGING AFTER YOU'VE

DONE IT THE FIRST TEN TIMES!

FOLKS, THEY WERE NEVER SUPPOSEDTO MAKE IT TO 7 MILLION.

>> 2 MILLION PEOPLE TO SIGN UPAND TEN DAYS TO GO.

>> THE LIKELIHOOD OF THEMGETTING TO THAT PLACE IS HIGHLY

UNLIKELY.

>> WE CALL IT "MISSIONIMPOSSIBLE."

>> THEY'LL PROBABLY BE A LITTLEUNDER 4.5 MILLION.

>> THERE'S NO WAY THEY'RE GOINGTO GET ANYWHERE CLOSE.

IT JUST AIN'T GOING TO HAPPEN.

>> Stephen: I JUST DON'T SEEHOW COULD KARL ROVE AND HIS LIFE

PARTNER BOARDY BE WRONG?

(LAUGHTER)AFTER ALL, THEY'RE THE

MATHEMATICAL WIZARDS THAT CALLEDOHIO FOR ROMNEY!

IT WAS ONLY LOGICAL.

IF NO ONE "HAD" SIGNED UP, NOONE "WOULD" SIGN UP.

BECAUSE EVERYONE KNOWS PASTPERFORMANCE ALWAYS INDICATES

FUTURE RESULTS.

THAT'S WHY I ALWAYS PLAYYESTERDAY'S WINNING LOTTO

NUMBERS.

(LAUGHTER)AND MAY I POINT OUT, I'VE NEVER

LOST -- YESTERDAY'S LOTTO.

BUT NOW THIS LAST MINUTE SIGNUPSURGE HAS COMPLETELY RAINED ON

OUR PARADE.

SERIOUSLY, WE HAD TO CANCEL THEPARADE.

AND I HAD TO SCRAP MY PLANS FOR"STEPHEN COLBERT'S ROCKIN'

EROLLMENT FAILURE EVE," WHEREME, RYAN SEACREST AND T.I. WERE

GOING TO COUNT DOWN ON A GIANTCLOCK UNTIL THEY DROPPED AN

UNINSURED PERSON IN TIMESSQUARE.

(LAUGHTER)THEN WE DON'T TAKE HIM TO THE

HOSPITAL 'CAUSE HE DOESN'T HAVEINSURANCE.

APPARENTLY, THIS LAST-MINUTEHEALTH-SCRAMBLE WAS ALL THANKS

TO YOUNG ADULTS SIGNING UP ATHIGHER RATES.

NO ONE COULD HAVE FORESEEN THATCOLLEGE KIDS WOULD PUT SOMETHING

OFF UNTIL THE LAST MINUTE!

(LAUGHTER)BUT FOLKS, MAYBE THERE'S A

SILVER LINING HERE.

YES, THE ADMINISTRATION HITTHEIR GOAL OF 7 MILLION.

BUT IS THERE ANY WAY TO SAY THEYDIDN'T?

>> THERE'S STILL A LOT OF KEYQUESTIONS UNANSWERED ABOUT

HEALTH CARE, INCLUDING WHOSIGNED UP FOR IT.

YOUNGER HEALTHY PEOPLE WHO WILLPAY FOR OLDER SICKER PEOPLE?

AND DID EVERYONE WHO ENROLLEDPAY FOR COVERAGE?

>> HOW MANY DIDN'T HAVEINSURANCE BEFORE?

>> HOW MANY ARE YOUNG?

>> HOW MANY OF THEM HAVE PAID?

>> Stephen: YEAH, HOW MANY AREYOUNG?

HOW MANY HAVE PAID?

WHAT IF THEIR CHECK DOESN'TCLEAR?

WHAT ARE NUMBERS BUT ARTIFICIALCONSTRUCTS?

AND DID YOU KNOW THESE AREARABIC NUMERALS?!

I MEAN, THE "3" IS JUST TWOISLAMIC CRESCENT MOONS STACKED

ON TOP OF EACH OTHER!

THE TERRORISTS HAVE WON!

(LAUGHTER)(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

SPOOKY STUFF!

AND SPEAKING OF TERRORISTS --BARACK OBAMA!

THIS MAN STOOD IN THE PEOPLE'SROSE GARDEN TODAY AND MADE

OUTRAGEOUS ACCUSATIONS ABOUTREPUBLICANS.

>> THE AFFORDABLE CARE ACT ISHERE TO STAY.

AND THOSE WHO HAVE BASED THEIRENTIRE POLITICAL AGENDA ON

REPEALING IT, THEY HAVE TOEXPLAIN

TO THE COUNTRY, WHY JEANIESHOULD GO BACK TO BEING

UNINSURED?

I GOT TO ADMIT, I DON'T GET IT.

WHY ARE FOLKS WORKING SO HARDFOR PEOPLE NOT TO HAVE HEALTH

INSURANCE?

>> Stephen: WHAT?

WHAT?

THAT'S DIRTY POLITICS!

IF VOTERS BELIEVE THE G.O.P.

WANTS TO TAKE AWAY PEOPLE'SHEALTH INSURANCE, THEN

REPUBLICANS WON'T BE ABLE TOTAKE OVER THE SENATE IN

NOVEMBER.

AND THEN HOW WILL THEY TAKE AWAYPEOPLE'S HEALTH INSURANCE?

SO, TO WIN THE MID-TERMS ISGOING TO REQUIRE SOME STRAIGHT

TALK.

WE CONSERVATIVES MUST LOOK THEAMERICAN PEOPLE IN THE EYE AND

SAY...

APRIL FOOL'S!

(LAUGHTER)GOTCHA!

GOTCHA!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)>> Stephen: COME ON!

FIGHTING OBAMA CARE WAS AFOUR-YEAR PRANK!

I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU BOUGHT IT.

WHY WOULD WE BE THE ONLY WESTERNINDUSTRIALIZED NATION WITHOUT

ACCESS TO AFFORDABLE HEALTHCARE?

(SLIDE WHISTLE)(LAUGHTER)

(APPLAUSE)>> Stephen: THIS IS PRICELESS!

OH, YOU SHOULD SEE YOUR FACE!...

SERIOUSLY, YOU GOT A GROWTHTHERE. I'D HAVE A DOCTOR CHECKTHAT OUT.

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