New Hampshire GOP Debates

  • Aired:  01/09/12
  •  | Views: 25,452

To grease the voting skids, the Republicans hold not one, but two, New Hampshire presidential primary debates. (3:49)

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

STEPHEN, STEPHEN, STEPHEN!

STEPHEN, STEPHEN, STEPHEN!

STEPHEN, STEPHEN, STEPHEN!

>> Stephen: VERY NICE.

THANK YOU, LADIES AND

GENTLEMEN.

THANK YOU BROTHERS AND

SISTERS.

WELCOME TO THE REPORT,

EVERYBODY.

THANK YOU SO MUCH.

PLEASE.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> Stephen: WELCOME TO THE

REPORT, THANK YOU.

FOLKS GOOD TO HAVE YOU WITH

US.

NATION T IS THE EVE OF THE

NEW HAMPSHIRE PRIMARY.

WHEN THE FOLKS IN VILLAGES

OF DIXVILLE NOTCH AND

FIDDLER'S CHRIS AND

PINKLER'S SACK EXERCISE

THEIR CONSTITUTIONAL RIGHT

TONED THE PRIMARIES BEFORE

THE REST OF US CAN VOTE.

NOW THIS WEEKEND JUST TO

GREASE THE VOTING SKIDS, THE

REPUBLICANS HELD NOT ONE,

NOT ONE AGAIN, BUT TWO

PRESIDENTIAL PRIMARIES.

THE PARTY KICKED OFF

SATURDAY NIGHT WITH THE ABC

YAHOO! WMUR RED LOBSTER ALL

YOU CAN EAT OPINIONFEST.

NOW WHEN I WATCH ANY DEBATE

OBVIOUSLY I PLAY ONE OF

THOSE DRINKING GAMES.

BUT I KNEW THERE WERE TWO

DEBATES THIS WEEKEND SO TO

TAKE IT EASY, I TOOK A SHOT

ONLY WHEN SOMEONE SAID THE

WORD CONTRACEPTION.

>> CON TRACEPTION,

CONTRASENSE, CONTRACEPTION,

CONTRASENSE.

>> CONTRACEPTION.

>> CONTRACEPTION WITHIN

CONTRACEPTION.

>> BY THE END I WAS MORE

WASTED THAN A DONATION TO

THE HUTTSMAN CAMPAIGN.

(APPLAUSE)

NEEDLESS TO SAY-- NEEDLESS

TO SAY, I WAS A LITTLE

HUNGOVER.

I WOKE UP THE NEXT DAY

THANKING JESUS, WHOSE

OPINIONS DID I AGREE WITH

LAST NIGHT.

BUT NOTHING CURES A DEBATE

HANG OVER LIKE A LITTLE HAIR

OF THE ELEPHANT THAT BIT

YOU.

LUCKILY NBC HAD A DEBATE THE

NEXT MORNING AT 9 A.M.

A GREAT CHANCE TO SEE HOW

MITT ROMNEY'S POSITIONS HAD

CHANGED OVER THE PAST TEN

HOURS.

(LAUGHTER)

AND I HAVE TO SAY, FOLKS, IN

BOTH DEBATES I WAS REALLY

IMPRESSED WITH RICK PERRY.

>> I THINK THAT YOU HAVE

TO-- I WOULD SEND TROOPS

BACK INTO IRAQ.

>> YES!

ABOUT DAMN TIME!

LET'S GET OUR TROOPS BACK

INTO IRAQ!

WE'VE BEEN FOR ALMOST TWO

WEEKS NOW.

PLENTY OF TIME FOR THOSE

BASTARDS TO GET WEAPONS OF

MASS DESTRUCTION.

THE GOVERNOR PERRY KNOWS THE

GEO POLITICAL CHESS BEING

PLAYED HERE.

>> I THINK IT IS A HUGE

ERROR FOR US.

WE'RE GOING TO SEE IRAN IN

MY OPINION, MOVE BACK IN AT

LITERALLY THE SPEED OF

LIGHT.

>> THE SPEED OF LIGHT.

NOT FIGURIVELY, LITERALLY.

I MEAN FORGET NUCLEAR

WEAPONS.

(APPLAUSE)

SPEED OF LIGHT.

FOLKS, FORGET NUCLEAR

WEAPONS, IRAN HAS DEVELOPED

THE WARP DRIVE.

THOSE SEN RI-- CENTRIFUGES

WERE ACTUALLY ENRICHING

DILITHIUM CRYSTALS AND

UNLESS WE STOP THEM CAPTAIN

AHMADINEJAD WILL BE GETTING