Generic Republican Presidential Nominee

  • Aired:  06/21/11
  •  | Views: 57,611

Jon Huntsman announces his presidential candidacy, and Stephen finds the perfect generic Republican presidential candidate. (4:46)

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

>> Stephen: WOO!

WOO!

BOOM!

WOO!

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

WELCOME TO THE SHOW, EVERYBODY.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

LOVELY, THAT'S LOVELY.

THANK YOU SO MUCH.

WELCOME TO THE REPORT BEGUN

EVERYBODY.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

AS YOU CAN TELL PEOPLE ARE

LOVING STEVE FEST COBECELLA-011.

LET ME START BY SAYING --

[LAUGHTER]

SOME OF YOU YOU MAY UNDERSTAND

THAT.

FOLKS BRRK WE GET TO THE ROCK

'N' ROLL, NATION, SOME NEWS TO

TOUCH ON.

NATION, THE REPUBLICAN RACE FOR

2012 IS HEATING UP.

TODAY, FORMER OBAMA AMBASSADOR

TO CHINA.

AND CURRENT CREST WHITE STRIPS

AFTER-PHOTO JON HUNTSMAN GOT IN

THE RACE.

JIM?

>> I'M JON HUNTSMAN, AND I'M

RUNNING FOR PRESIDENT OF THE

UNITED STATES.

WE'RE NOT JUST CHOOSING NEW

WE'RE NOT JUST CHOOSING NEW

LEADERS.

WE'RE CHOOSING WHETHER WE ARE TO

BE YESTERDAY'S STORY OR

TOMORROW'S.

>> Stephen: OF COURSE JON

HUNTSMAN INTENDS TO BE

TOMORROW'S STORY.

BECAUSE FOR HIM, YESTERDAY'S

STORY IS, "HEY, I WORK FOR

BARACK OBAMA."

[LAUGHTER]

AND THEN HUNTSMAN PERFECTLY

DESCRIBED TRUE AMERICANS.

>> PEOPLE SECURE IN THEIR RIGHTS

AND IN LOVE WITH THEIR LIBERTY.

>> Stephen: YES, I'M

PASSIONATELY IN LOVE WITH MY

LIBERTY!

I'D SAY I LUST FOR IT.

[LAUGHTER]

WE HAVE A VERY VIGOROUS PHYSICAL

RELATIONSHIP.

LIBERTY AND I.

SOMETIMES WE ROLE PLAY.

SHE DRESSES UP AS SOCIALISM AND

I SPANK HER WITH A ROLLED-UP

CONSTITUTION.

[LAUGHTER]

AND EVEN THOUGH SHE DOESN'T

ALWAYS REACH HAPPINESS, SHE'S

ASSURED ME THAT JUST PURSUING IT

IS GOOD ENOUGH.

[LAUGHTER]

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

SO I LIKE HIM.

ONLY PROBLEM IS, HUNTSMAN HAS A

FACE AND A NAME. AND RIGHT NOW,

OBAMA LEADS ALL

SPECIFIC REPUBLICAN CANDIDATES

IN THE POLLS, EVEN BEATING

THE ROMNEY.

THANKFULLY, THE REPUBLICANS HAVE

A DARK HORSE.

>> THE LATEST GALLUP POLL HAS

PRESIDENT OBAMA NARROWLY LOSING

TO A GENERIC REPUBLICAN.

>> PRESIDENT OBAMA FALLING

BEHIND A GENERIC REPUBLICAN

CHALLENGER INTO A NEW POLL 39%

TO 44%.

>> REPUBLICANS LEAD BY A FEW

POINTS ON THE GENERIC

PRESIDENTIAL BALLOT.

A GENERIC REPUBLICAN, IF YOU

FIND THAT PERSON, BEATING

PRESIDENT OBAMA.

>> Stephen: GUESS WHAT?

I FOUND THAT PERSON ON MY WAY TO

WORK THIS MORNING.

[LAUGHTER]

REPUBLICAN PARTY, SAY HELLO TO

YOUR GENERIC PRESIDENTIAL

NOMINEE.

LOOK AT THIS GUY.

[LAUGHTER]

HE'S GOT EVERYTHING YOU WANT.

STRONG STRIDE, WELL KNOWN, PLUS

HE'S A FAMILY MAN.

AS YOU CAN SEE FROM THE

BRIEFCASE, HE'S GOT BUSINESS

EXPERIENCE.

BUT HE'S ALSO WORKED BLUE-COLLAR

JOBS.

THIS GUY HAS SOMETHING FOR

EVERYBODY.

HE'S WELL-READ.

HE'S OUTDOORSY.

AND HE LOVES THE FLAG.

OR RECTANGLES.

AND HE'S GOT A VERY COMPELLING

PERSONAL STORY.

HE WAS A PROMISING YOUNG

[LAUGHTER]

ATHLETE, WHO GOT A LITTLE DRUNK

ONE NIGHT SLIPPED AND FELL

[LAUGHTER]

WAS IN A WHEELCHAIR FOR A WHILE,

BUT GOT BACK ON HIS FEET AND

NOW, HE HOLDS A WORLD RECORD IN

RUNNING DOWN STAIRS PAST FIRES.

[LAUGHTER]

PLUS, HE'D REALLY HELP OUR

RELATIONS WITH CHINA.

AFTER ALL, HIS NAME IS

PED XING.

[LAUGHTER]

I GOTTA SAY, FOLKS,

THE ONLY KNOCK ON THIS GUY,

OTHER THAN HIS HEAD NOT BEING

ATTACHED TO HIS BODY, IS THAT

REPUBLICANS DON'T NEED ANOTHER

CANDIDATE WHO SPENDS A

SUSPICIOUS AMOUNT OF TIME

HANGING AROUND MENS' ROOMS.

[LAUGHTER]

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